Isabella Maria

Isabella Maria
Her 3 week pictures... such an angel!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Things that are really starting to piss me off.

Warning: this is an INCREDIBLY BITCHY blog. If you feel like you're having an overly-sensitive, easily offended day please don't even bother reading it because if you comment to me and piss me off I swear to God I will lose my shit on you. :)

OK, so sorry this is not a particularly festive blog subject, but I am home alone on Christmas Day while my husband is at work so I think it is slightly fitting. I have the WHOLE DAY to do pointless stuff like blog instead of celebrate my favorite holiday with my husband... Yes I am bitter.
This blog was originally going to be titled "Things about Texas that Piss Me Off", but now I am going to extend it to global proportions. Hey why not? It's not just Texas, it is a whole lot of stuff.

1. Homesickness:
I want to go home. I am sick of being gone. It would be easier to be gone if it were in a place that wasn't so damn foreign feeling. There are tarantulas, scorpions, wild hogs and cacti out here. Does that sound normal? Or homey? Not to me. Palm trees are NOT synonymous with Christmas to me. AND Aaron recently explained to me (after I dig it out of him... I say this because getting the full story from him is similar to a fecal impaction, you have the dig the shit out of him piece by piece...) that in 2 years Aaron is eligible to put in for a transfer. Not he will automatically be granted it... no, at that point he can ask for one. And it doesn't mean we will get it. This is BS. I promise to not bitch about Michigan as much anymore. Now that I have been gone and I have learned a little bit of what else is out there, I realize now what I had. I prefer the Midwest part of the country to the Southwest.

2. Peoples' "advice" about pregnancy:

I am not claiming to know it all. I will be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn about life. I know this! But WHY oh WHY does everyone who comes into contact with me that knows I am pregnant accidentally mistake themselves for a perinatologist? I have been told "you know, you should cut back on your sodium intake when you're pregnant", and "you should exercise when you are pregnant", and "only one pop a day, because any more is too much caffeiene" (which is bullshit, the upper limit of daily recommended consumption is 200 mg of caffeine a day, and a 12 ounce Coke has 35mg), and "You should drink lots of water now..." and, my personal favorite "You need more iron if you're anemic for your Thalassemia." Really? I need more iron? Do you really want my spleen to rupture?! You callous bastard.
I know I don't know everything, but I am pretty sure that I went to college for SEVEN YEARS and THREE of those years were spent in a Bachelor's Degree Nursing Program! I am pretty sure I went to one of the best Nursing Schools in the State of Michigan. I am almost positive I spent 7 weeks busting my ass in an OB clinical where I had to teach women what to do when they took their babies home. And, to top it all off I have been a practicing RN now for 4 years and 5 months. So I think it is safe to assume that I know basic things such as recommended sodium consumption, the basic physiology of a woman's body and a basic knowledge of own disease processes. I for now on will make it a general rule that I will offer NO advice on pregnancy to anyone unless I am asked. I will do this because 9 times out of 10 unsolicited advice has been an insult to my intelligence and I will give others the same courtesy. Please remember that I have wanted to be a Mom for years. Just because I couldn't get pregnant doesn't mean I haven't been looking into it all these years. I came into this condition as a well informed woman. If you want something really badly, don't you read about it, learn about it because you're interested in it? Well that is exactly what I did. That is why I am easily offended when told something a 12 year old knows. I DID THE RESEARCH PEOPLE.
Having said that, if I ask you for advice that is a completely different thing! If I want to hear what you have to say then I am not going to harbor negative feelings towards you. Promise. Well, almost promise. These hormones are kicking my ass!
3. People who put their dogs in the back of trucks.
This kind of stupidity unfortunately runs rampant down here. Animal life is not valued here like it is where I came from. They leave their dogs in cars all the time. I have watched a couple dogs almost plunge to their deaths out of moving trucks. If I could rule the world for one week... those people would be SCARED! How stupid do you have to be? Really? Do people not comprehend that dogs aren't able to reason why you shouldn't jump out of a moving vehicle? There should be a new rule. You HAVE to be smarter than your pet. If you are not then you are not allowed to have one. Good GOD. Would you put your 3 year old in the back of your truck?! Then don't put a dog in it. I think this is fairly simple logic. Please let me know if you disagree and let me know why, because I can't fathom this.

OK I have more to say but I am honestly sick of bitching for right now. Thank GOD! It is tiring to be this bitter. As happy as I am that I am pregnant and that I am finally going to be a Mommy, I am sooooo looking forward to feeling like I am in control of my emotions again. I know this can only happen when I am no longer pregnant. I don't want to wish it away, I want to embrace every single day of this pregnancy. But I do not want to embrace the... anger/moodiness/whatever-the-hell-you-call-this anymore.

On a brighter note, Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful, fun, peaceful day! I know that can't even sound genuine, but it honestly is. ;)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pregnancy Hormones.

Yeah... they're a bitch.
I was at work today and Wayne (the recovery nurse who brings has laptop to work and we listen to Christmas Carols) played something on youtube called The Pink Glove Dance. It is about promoting breast cancer awareness. And for whatever the hell reason, it made me cry, at work. Seriously. It's not even fricking sad! If you want to see it click here.
As embarrassing as it was, thank God there is a 13 or 14 week pregnant girl there named Shanna who knew EXACTLY what I was going through and we had a good laugh about it. All I could say in between sobs and laughter was "I'm an asshole", "stupid baby" and "Breast cancer is sad". Jesus. I have 33 more weeks to go. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
But I am still grateful for it, no matter how unreasonable and swollen I become.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Humor knows no language.

At my job now, a lot of my patient's primary language is Spanish. A lot of people speak some English, but you always run into the few people now and again who can't speak any at all. I really want to take a Spanish course, but have been told it may not be that helpful. The Spanish taught in most classes is Traditional/European Spanish, and what is usually spoken here is a mixture of Spanish and English. One of my co-workers Bennie called it "Tex-Mex", and said that she grew up speaking that but it someone talks to her in real Spanish she can't understand some of it. So... I guess I will just get some CD to learn Spanish and not devote a lot of time or money to it right now, since it may not be that big a help.
Anyway, there was a patient I talked to on the phone while I was training in the pre-operative department. This is how the conversation went.
Me- Hi, this is Andrea from Uvalde Memorial Hospital, I am calling to speak to Mrs. So-and-so regarding her procedure on December 3rd.
Patient- blahblahblahblahblah (for some reason I could hear her fine but couldn't make out what she was saying)
Me- I'm sorry can you please say that again?
Pt- blahblahblahblahblahblah
Me- What?
Pt- blahblahblahblahblahblah
Me- Habla Ingles? (or however you spell it...)
Pt- No.
Me- Oooooooooohhhhh... OK.....
We both start busting out laughing at this point. You probably had to be there, but it was hilarious.

So, this week I was working in pre and post op, so I got people ready for and (kinda) recovered them from their surgeries and procedures. I was told me next patient didn't speak any English. I didn't put two and two together.
So she comes in, and most of the stuff that needs to be discussed was done by Bennie (our Spanish, Tex-Mex speaking nurse, whose sister BTW makes the BEST TAMALES EVER.) and then I do the small stuff for her. I learn she can understand some English but can speak very little. Like, she can say "yes, no, it's OK", that about covers it.
I look at her wrist band to make sure it's correct, and ask "Su namo es?" (Remember I know very little Spanish so I probably butcher it, but this nice lady knows what I mean) and she says her name. Then I ask her for her birthdate and she says "blahblahblahblahblah". I continue to keep looking at the wrist band and say "Ooookaaaayyyy...." and again, peals of laughter. :)
I just think its so funny that you can not understand what the hell the person next to you is saying, but then humanity kicks in and you can laugh about it. She knew what I was asking, and I know what she was telling me, but neither of us really had an idea of what the actual words meant. It was just so funny. I know it's probably not to you and I am cool with that but I had to blog about it because it's funny to me! I guess that's all that matters! :)
In other news, my first OB appointment is this Wednesday. Aaron is leaving work early so he can go too in case theu do an ultrasound or listen for a heartbeat. He's such an excited Daddy-to-be... and it's the best feeling ever. :D
Every night when we're laying in bed we say good night to each other, and then I tell him the (insert the name of the small thing the same size of the baby is) here loves him, and he always says he loves it back. :) First it was a poppy seed, then an orange seed, and now we're up to a blueberry! It's crown to rump legnth is 7-9mm.! I put 7 and then 9 dimes in a stack to see how big my baby is now, and it's about the size of my fingernail. Awww!!! I can't freaking wait to meet my little blueberry! :)
OK enough for now. Have a good weekend.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Quick but awesome update.

Hello All!
Sorry it has been so long since I have gotten on here. I STILL don't have internet access at my house until Thursday. I am at the library in Uvalde to pay some bills and do a little Christmas shopping, so before the kick me off I thought I would get on here and update you.
Texas is nice! It's been in the 60-70's (with the exception of this rainy, cold week in the 40s-50s) since we have been here. Aaron and I are both enjoying our jobs. Thank God! I would be PISSED if we relocated just to be angry and miserable.
The girls at my new job are very nice. The job is a little slow at times, being a rural day surgery unit, but I am still learning things and appreciating the new slower, less stressful lifestyle.
And now, for the biggest news EVER. I took my first cycle of Clomid on October 21. Ovulated November 4th. And got a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST on November 15th!!! Thank God! I am soooo incredibly happy that I can't even begin to describe it. The closest thing I can think of is to want something for Christmas... really REALLY bad but you already know you can't afford it and you just know you're not going to get it. Then, on Christmas morning you open a little box under the tree with your name on it that you weren't expecting and *WHAM* there it is, that little thing you've been coveting.
Due to the PCOS I am not out of the woods. I have a higer rate of miscarriage then most women because of this. Some people might think I am crazy for telling everyone already (I am only 7 weeks and due in the end of July) but you know what, if I were to (God forbid) lose this baby, it doesn't make him/her mean any less to me. I am going to celebrate this gift from God as much as possible, enjoy every minute of it (sore boobs, peeing all the time, serious fatigue, a sense of smell that a Bloodhound wound envy and mood swings like I don't know what) because it is a HUGE gift and I am incredibly lucky to have it. I just pray everything stays good and healthy. I quit smoking in October, do not drink a thing, quit taking the meds I was on for PMDD, sleep all the time, try to limit my caffeine intake, take prenatals vitamins and my metformin religously, in short I am doing everything possible to make this a healthy pregnancy. The only things against me are the extra weight and the PCOS, one of them being out of my hands entirely. Damnit if women can smoke crack throughout their pregnancies and have healthy babies, surely I, as a tubby woman, can have one as well, right? I am sure my developing embryo would rather have a heaping helping of Cheez Whiz (what I have been craving since last night... don't know why... but whatever, I like it anyway!) than a little cocaine, right?
Another thing, since we conceived on Clomid, who knows how many little stinkers are in there! There could be multiples in store for us. I say bring it on, lets just do this! Don't get me wrong if we had 5 or 6 in there I think I would have a panic attack, but twins would be just fine.
I am not a particularly religous person, but this experience completely reaffirms my faith. I know I have mentioned the Big Guy in here a few times, and I think for a great cause. If I, a reproductively challenged woman gets pregnant as quickly as I did on my first cycle of the least medically invasive treatments possible, someone simply HAS to be helping me out.
Well I better go before the lady at the desk screams "Number 3 your time is up!"
Thank you all for reading, I hope you're all well, and stay tuned for my baby adventure! :)

Monday, October 5, 2009

T minus 6 days and counting!

I occasionally freak out realizing that this move really IS going to happen. Aaron IS going to graduate. We ARE leaving Michigan. On the 11th our lives are going to totally change. And it is noon on the 5th. Wow. Maybe I am being too dramatic... but I think not. We are doing a lot of big changes.
My last day of work at the University of Michigan was this past Friday. It was a really busy day so it flew by, but still a little emotional for me. My co-workers couldn't have been sweeter if they tried. On Thursday we ordered out, and they gave me a present... beautiful jewelry hand made by one of my co-workers Sheryl. They were all beaded jewelry, different patterns, all black and silver. Some of them had very faint pink beads too. They were all beautiful! Sue made me some awesome greek chicken lemon rice soup which was amazing. Seriously good stuff. Tina brought a Chocolate Lover's Cake. I felt very loved!
On Friday Deb (my manager) gave me a cute little stuffed monkey in a U of M tee shirt and U of M pen. She has been saying for months that I am not leaving, and she is mad at Aaron. hahaha. I in turn told her that if I ever find out I am coming back my replacement must be sabotaged!

March 9, 2010- Wow I found this unfinished blog and realized I never finished it. haha. Well, here it is now. :)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It was a good weekend. My friend Erica and her daughter Jenna stayed at my house on Friday night. We hung out, watched TV and movies, and had a little garage sale at my house on Saturday morning. It was so fun.
Saturday Erica's husband Tom kept Jenna and the other two kids (Dylan and Ian) so Erica and I could time just us time. It was honestly the first time we had no kids with us since she got pregnant with Jenna in 1998! (Well, apart from when her Dad was in the ICU, the kids weren't there the first time we went there.) It was awesome to have some time with just the two of us. I love her kids, they are sweet and funny, but it's nice to have grown up time, too.
We went to Mark and Jason's birthday party and had a good time. We got to watch Stevie's weird neighbors fight for over an hour in the front lawn. I was so embarrassed for them. They were two white guys, calling each other honky (sp?) and also the N word. The first one was just stupid, they are both white. And the second name was stupid for the same reason, but it pissed me off just to hear them say it. I hate that word. It's disgusting. I know I have a rotten ass mouth, but even I have a limit. I mean come on people, get some standards.
We watched their stupidity for a while, but when they actually started physically fighting we called the cops. It took them about 15-20 minutes to get there, which from what I heard is good for Westland cops. A couple times I chanted "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!". I don't think they heard it though. It was mostly for my own amusement though. I didn't want the fight to come over to where we all were. None of us wanted to get involved but we did enjoy the show. There were people in their driveways watching. I am surprised we didn't make popcorn. LOL
Today Erica and I slept in a little, and then played around on the computer looking up people we used to know on facebook and myspace. Being dissatisfied with that since we really didn't find anyone we knew, we looked on OTIS and the sex offender registry... and found an ex boyfriend of mine. So now, two of my ex boyfriends are sex offenders. YUCK. One (Jason) went in for rape and aggravated sodomy, as well as beating the girl (his girlfriend at the time) that he raped and assaulting a police officer. I knew about him years ago. The one I found out about today (Will) was a guy I dated in high school. He lived a couple hours north of where I lived then. I actually broke up with him to start dating the one that beat and raped his girlfriend. The one I found today was actually convicted for Criminal Sexual Conduct - Third Degree (Multiple Variables). Frigging sicko.
How do I attract these men? And thank you God for not letting me be one of their victims. I dated Will when I was a senior in high school and then dated Jason for a year and a half after him, but most of the time he was in Korea for the Army.
So that makes reason # 512 why I am lucky to have Aaron. He is not a sexual deviant! :)
OK I need to get back to life and do something productive.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Progesterone levels and Labor Day

OK, so the two aren't related. But I do want to talk about both of them. So on Friday, 7 days after my + Ovulation test, I had my progesterone level drawn to see if it is a good level and to see if I actually ovulated. Although I haven't received any word on this from the MD office yet, different people on the TTC Boards on say that my level was good. Makes me happy! My level was 30. From what I gather, 10-15+ is acceptable for ovulation. Clomid is a MIRACLE drug. Now I just need to take Clomid when I am with Aaron so I can actually have sex and try to get pregnant.
My friend Brandi invited me to go camping with her for the Labor Day weekend to their Family Labor Day Weekend (FLDW) trip. So my dogs and I went Saturday afternoon. It was a beautiful wooded area somewhere in between Cadillac and Ludington. Her husband's family has made it their tradition to go there for the last 12 years, and they do a great job making it. The cook, Jose, is a great friend of the family and makes all the meals for the people there, which is anywhere in between 50-80 people a year. They have a talent show, field day and night time hide and seek game planned for everyone (13 years old +) there on the property, which is somewhere in between 20-30 acres. It's a family oriented place and it seemed like a lot of fun, so I wanted to go! We got there at 5PM on Saturday and we were home by Sunday at 2PM. However I had every intention on staying until Monday morning or early afternoon. The dogs had another agenda.
The dogs (well, Bear) was ridiculous. He screamed when I was not there with him. We gave each dog a bone, a pull toy, a big bowl of fresh water in the shade, right next to my new fun little tent (courtesy of the birthday money my Dad and step-mom gave me), and he still wailed like a baby when I left. After about 10 minutes of me no longer in his sight and he stopped. Every single whimper, bark and cry was painful for me. He was sad. :(
At one point earlier in the evening on Saturday I commented to Brandi on Bear snarfing down the sticks and leaves, saying it looked like anxious behavior. I should have just seen that and known I should have not brought them and just went home. I guess I was mistaken about thinking they were having fun. I thought they would like being outside in the forest. Most dogs do. Not mine. Nope, I am not sure my dogs even realize they are dogs. I think they might think they are human. After all they do sleep in bed with me and Aaron and have just as much right to be on the couches and love seats as we do... in my opinion. Anyhow, I am getting off topic...
My anxiety increases as the sky gets darker because of that tent. While it is located around about 10-15 other tents, it is still in the forest in the pitch black. I am not scared of the dark, but I am definitely scared of monsters and other things that lurk in the dark. So, me + 2 dogs + small tent in the middle of nowhere + alcohol and an overactive imagination =me laying in my tent afraid all night. Because of this my friend's step-daughter graciously lets me and my canines stay in her tent with her. This relieves me greatly. :)
Because of their (well mostly Bear's) behavior Brandi and I had the dogs with us most of the time. 99% of the other dogs there were happily sleeping in front of their tents and campers, but mine had to act like babies. They were with me most of the time because I couldn't handle hearing them be upset (don't go telling me how I can't do that with kids... I already know. I will baby my dogs because they will never grow up and need to get a job. If I am ever responsible for raising anything with poseable thumbs then I will definitely lay down the law.) and figured the other people shouldn't have to be inconvenienced because my dogs won't shut up. Other dogs there were definitely barking too, and during the day it didn't matter. But Bear and Harvey barked at night too, and I felt bad. So I figured it was better to just have them with us. I even tried to take them with us for hide and seek, but that proved to be a bad idea. Walking with 2 dogs in the dark while trying to successfully hold a drink and a flashlight was very difficult. They also tend to pull at times, making the walk that much more interesting. Needless to say they did not stay long.
Let's fast forward. After drunken hide and seek I get the dogs because Bear is crying. We're sitting at the camp fire, and later I decide to go to bed. Me and my boys curl up in the camper to sleep. They actually fall asleep way quicker than I do, and I have no idea why because I am the one who had 5 bottles of delicious Mikes Hard Lemonade and Labatt Blue. Anyhow, the sleep is not restful. I woke up about once an hour, either being cold or having a sore hip from the less than optimal mattress. If I rolled over one of the 2 dogs would whine because I rolled over and was no longer spooning them. (Seriously.) In the middle of the night I get the brand new sleeping bag Brandi let me borrow and wriggle into it and get all warm and toasty. An hour or so later I wake up to Bear gagging and then puking, on the very camper bed we slept on.
They get down off the bed and I search all over for said vomit. Can't find it. I get off the bed and put my shoes on so I can put them out, still searching for the puke. Did he just have a wet burp or something? I can't be sure, I can't find the evidence. Then, I move the sleeping bag to keep searching. The reason why I couldn't find the vomit was because I ROLLED OVER ON IT IN THE SLEEPING BAG. It was a massive, reeking pile of sticks, twigs, leaves and only God knows what else. I think I described the scent to Brandi as what one would imaging Satan's taint to smell like.
So after I properly dispose of all that grossness and a little sitting with the last of the drunk people at the fire, we sleep in my car until about 8:30. We're on the road again by 11AM.
On the bright side, I got to see Brandi and her family, who I love dearly. :) And I am pleasantly surprised with how well the boys did with the car ride. Let's see they do going to TX. :)
OK well it is time to lay back down on the couch. I am going to get as much relaxing time as I can today before back to dreaded work in the AM.

Friday, August 28, 2009

OK... I need to calm down.

In my last post I said that I hope I have something awesome to say in the next blog... well I already do!
I got my LH surge after taking the Clomid! FINALLY!!! I am ecstatic that it finally happened. :D
Well if I don't get off the computer and get ready for work I will be late.... again.
I just wanted to share my latest nugget of joy!

(PS- I am not going to lie, I feel crampy on my left side... and it kinda sucks ass. But I guess that's just me making an egg. My ovaries are working against their will! Muahahahahahaaa....)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Good old fashioned emotional purge.

Here's a word to the wise... a word I can only wish someone would have shared with me a few weeks ago. Don't take clomid when you are in the middle of several life altering events. As if it's not hard enough already! In all honestly though, I don't know if I can blame the mood swings, insatiable ferocious appetite and inconsolable crying fit I had on the meds, or the fact that my life is upside down right now.
The clomid has just reminded me one more time that my body isn't working the way it should. The ONE thing I want to do more than anything else, that other people can do without trying, is the one thing I can't do. Ugh. Pisses me off. And then I wonder if I am not ovulating because of all the stress going on. Another piss off. I should not have taken it!
All I know is one day when I FINALLY have a child, it better not be an asshole! It better an awesome kid. I have gone through enough BS already. That future child/follicle/sperm in New Mexico owes me.
Anywho... it finally hit me on Sunday that I am moving. I was driving to my dad's house for dinner and I got a little misty-eyed. So I dabbed at my face and thought I was done. Then... out of no where, I started wailing. Like I watched my dog get hit by a car wailing. I sat in my car in front of my dad's house crying like a little bitch for a good 5 minutes before I called him and asked him to come out and talk to me. I couldn't act like that in front of my brother and sister, or my step-sisters and their SOs. So he came out and talked to me while I cried my eyes out, and the tears turned into a choking panicky feeling, and I started to hyperventilate. Badly. My face from my cheek bones to my chin were tingly like my face fell asleep. What freaked me out though was when I was getting dizzy and the base of my skull felt weird. Then the nurse part kicked in and thought uhhh... that's where my brain stem is... and it feels fuzzy. Bad sign. Stop it. In order to stop I had to breathe into my hands.
I think my poor, sweet Dad shit himself just a little when I had my little fit. He's the best guy ever though... couldn't ask for a better Dad. Leaving him is going to kill me. And here I go with the water works again. Damnit!
I will miss going to his house for dinner and having talks about the different things to has cooked or wants to cook (the man loves food, this is where I get it from!), and talking about old times that makes him laugh so hard that his face turns red and he stops making noise. Brent and Brianna and I have decided that is our favorite thing to do together is hang out with Dad so we can get him laughing like that. Seeing him laugh like that makes us all so happy, and makes us crack up too... I need a tissue. And a cigarette. Damnit!
We'll be leaving for Texas two days before my sister's 13th birthday. Reason # 531 why this move sucks and Reason #660 why I am going to weep all the way until we get to Little Rock.
But, on the bright side... I have a job interview lined up for a job at the Uvalde Memorial Hospital. Two of their directors called me. The second one that I talked to today told me that all of the directors of nursing are going to be there, so we can discuss where I want to go. Wow. A little intimidating, huh? haha. But this hospital only has 66 beds in the entire place. So it's not like there will be TONS of people there. I don't think...
OK well I need to go to bed. I need sleep so desperately and for some reason I keep denying myself of it. Can't shut my brain off to sleep unless I am sitting at my desk at work. Strange.
OK, night all... I hope the next blog I type has lots of good news, like I am pregnant, gainfully employed in Texas and took a strange liking to extreme heat and large bugs.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


I talked to Aaron this morning and he told me that he should be done with his Spanish class on October 8! This is great because I don't have to wait as long to see him. But it is horrible because I just lost a month of planning time. Shit!
So I called in to work for tomorrow. Here's the list of why:
1. I have about 8 houses in Uvalde TX that I have to call on and arrange appointments to see the houses.
2. I have to find a U-Haul truck or something like that and book it... fast!
3. I have to apply for more jobs in Texas so we can eat and stuff.
4. I have to apply for a Nursing License in Texas ($200... ugh).
5. I have to get my brakes and rotors done because when I drive it sounds like metal on metal when I brake and it really freaks me out!
6. Hair needs cutting.
7. Need new tags for both cars.
8. Need to mail Aaron his phone so we can actually talk daily and use Verizon instead of pay extra for a pay as you go phone...
9. PACK.
10. Not to mention... I have to figure out what to do with my house... because I can no longer afford it AND fund the move to Texas... isn't that special?!

It's times like these that I am glad I am not a drinker... because if I was I would be drunk as hell.

PS- I am also in the middle of my first cycle on Clomid. While I have not experienced any psychosis that I was warned about, I doubt it's helping anything. I have been having some cramps for most of the night. That's just wonderful...
OK, I am exhausted. I am going to bed. I hope I wake up with a brain full of answers!
Another PS- Any party I planned to have on the 22nd at my house is officially OFF!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Nicki came to visit!

Nicki and her daughter Hope left last night. We had a great visit. Wednesday night I picked them up from her cousin Norma's house. After that we drove around Belleville so Nicki could see how much it changed. She could barely recognize it! We past our old high school, which does look the same. We passed the old house that she grew up in, and that was sad. They put a little pond in the front yard, and took the pool out. They put an addition onto the back of the house for a hot tub which definitely looked cool but made it soooo different from the place we used to hang out all the time! We went past where we took our old art classes too, and from the looks of it the house is now abandoned. Either that or they REALLY need to work on that house!
Thursday we went to the Lenawee County Fair. Her cousin was there working for a Christian club of some sort, he is a member. It was me, Nicki, Hope and their cousin Amy. We had fun. It was kinda in the middle of nowhere and we had to drive an hour to get there, but it was interesting. There were a lot of farm animals. I saw some of the strangest things ever there!
1. A horse with crystal blue eyes. They were gorgeous!
2. A goat almost ate my hair when I leaned in to talk to him and pretend to kiss him. (I loved the animals and really did want to kiss a few of them. But they smelled like ass, so it was easy to refrain.)
3. A cow with fuzzy ears! He had long hair on his ears, it looked like he had earmuffs on. lol. He almost licked my face. I was again, acting like I was going to kiss him and he went in for a sneak attack. If I learned nothing else that say I learned that cows have freakishly long tongues. I was several inches away from his face and he almost got me. Weird.
4. The fattest rabbit EVER. He was so friggin' fat that he had chest fat that his head laid on and rested there. It was like he had never eaten anything but Whoppers in his whole life. Not to mention he was long as hell. He was seriously the size of a Beagle. WOW.
5. OK this just shows my sophomoric sense of humor but... There was a goat that was in his pen and he apparently had a hair ball. So, he started coughing, HARD, and he definitely shit himself. Lucky for him he's a goat and probably would have done it in a few minutes anyway, so I doubt he was self conscious. But his butt happened to be facing Amy and me, and we about died laughing. Nicki pretended to not know us then. LOL.
6. Conversation between Amy and me as we were walking into a cow barn, all their butts were facing us:
Amy: We need to be careful, cows kick hard and when they poop they can shoot it out far!
Me: That's disgusting.
Then we simultaneously look to our left and look at the cow we are walking by. This particular cow was, uh... cocked, locked and ready. Either he JUST got done going to the bathroom or was JUST about to go. Either way it was not pretty, and we didn't want to wait to see which one it was. We ran. Laughing.

I saw more shit that day than anything else. Seriously.

Friday I had to work. Boo! But Friday night after work I picked up Nicki and Hope from their cousin's house again and we hung out and watched TV and had some much needed catch up conversation.
Saturday we went to her cousin's house for lunch because more family was there that time, and they had to see them. Thank God I have known her forever or else I would have been so uncomfortable. It was Nicki, Hope, Me, (the rest is all her family) Aunt Marge, Uncle Rex, Norma, Lonnie, Amy, Megan, Onsby, Julia and their three kids. Even though I barely knew most of them they were all very warm and inviting. I felt very comfortable. :)
That night we went to my Dad's house and he got to meet Hope. She is seriously one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen! Her personality is the best, too. She is smart, funny and so, so loving. She would tell me all the time "Andewa ( pronounce it And-oo-wah, haha), I love you." And "I love you to the moon and back." Ugh. I miss her so much already!
Saturday night we watched Twilight... come on, Nicki had to see my new boyfriend (haha)! She liked it. :) Of course she did.
On Sunday we went to Frankenmuth. We were broke so we didn't go to Zehnder's but we walked through all the shops. Hope got her face painted. I'll post pictures when I friggin learn how to.
Nicki is 50% Chippewa, and there just so happens to be a Chippewa Memorial in Frankenmuth in one of the parks. So we got to go to that, it was nice. Small and hidden, but nice. I think it meant a lot to Nicki to see it. She doesn't know all that much about that part of her background.
Then I dropped them off at her cousin's house last night so they could drive back home with Marge and Rex this morning. I cried like a little bitch when I had to say bye to Hope! It went something like this:
Me- OK Hopie, gimme a hug, I have to go home.
Hope- I go wif you?
Me- No baby, you have to stay here with Mommy so you can go home in the morning. (sniffle, wimper)
Hope- Why?
Me- So you can see your Daddy.
Hope- Is your nose running?
Me- (peals of laughter) Yeah, probably.
Kisses, hugs, more crying, put the baby down, say good bye, leave the house as fast as I can.
It was so much easier to say bye to Nicki this time than it was last year! Probably because it was so much harder to say goodbye to Hope than it ever had been to say bye to Nicki.
I want to keep her!
OK, it is about time for bed. I am exhausted. Plus I have only had one cigarette today and I am trying really hard to not run to my car and get a pack.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Nicki is coming to visit!

My friend Nicki, who lives in VA, is coming to Michigan this week. I am so excited! I saw her last summer for literally a day when I went to VA for a family wedding. Besides that though I haven't seen her since 2004. So it will be great to catch up.
And, she is going to have her 3 year old daughter Hope with her, so I can finally meet her little girl! I can't wait!
I am going to try to get a day off work this week if I can, so I can spend a little more time with them. I found out that she is definitely coming earlier today, so having notice to try to get the time off was not exactly an option.
Today we celebrated my dad's birthday at his house. We had steaks on the grill, it was damn good. Then after that my sister Brianna and I went to see 'My Sister's Keeper.' I cried like a little girl. I honestly probably cried for half of the movie. It was good though. And I am glad I got to see it with her. The little goober made fun of me for literally sobbing in the movie theatre but it was still worth it. :)
I love what that my relationship with my brother and sister is getting better and better as we get older. We have a lot of fun together. We laugh a lot. It's a relationship unlike any other. I have nothing else to compare it to. I love those two so much. How our lives came together was definitely not an ideal situation, but at least we got something good out of it- each other.
OK... total change of subject.
I really, REALLY want to keep working on the book ideas I have. However, everything I write usually sounds like a giant pile of garbage. It is irritating. I have stories in my head, and in there they sound like good ideas. As soon as I start to type the words, the story lose it's fluidity and it turns into mechanical He said: blah. She said: blah pile of crap. I don't understand it. Maybe I am creative enough to think of OK ideas to write about but not talented enough to be a good story teller. I know I can't tell a joke to save my life... maybe this is the case. That pisses me off. I want to be good at the things I am interested in/enjoy doing!
OK, I am tired, my contacts feel like they are glued to my eyeballs, and I have to work in the morning. See ya'll later.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

My letter to Jermaine

I don't even know where to begin. First of all, every single opinion I have of you is a direct result of your actions. I didn't pull this all out of thin air. I formed these feelings and opinions over the years watching her confidence and well-being dwindle away while she stayed with you.
At first you were charming, as you men tend to be. She was besotted with you. You were warm, affectionate, caring, all the things you were supposed to be and all the things she deserved. In the beginning I actually defended you.
I know that she, like all girls can fabricate things in her head, making them worse than they actually are. I gave you the benefit of the doubt more times than anyone should. Each time you ended up proving me wrong and her suspicions correct.
Over time this changed, the fun and newness of your relationship with my friend faded. I know there were several factors that contributed to this. With every relationship the spark can fade a little over time, and I don't blame you for that. That's natural. I do, however, blame you for not trying harder. Relationships are hard work. I know I shouldn't expect you to know what hard work is, since I don't think you have had many experiences with it. You tend to avoid responsibility and work like the plague. And if you don't believe me, talk to the mother of your child that you don't support. I am sure she will agree with me.
You made her actually believe that she deserved your bad behavior. She must have believed it on some level, because I can't explain why else she would have stayed with you for so long.
To my knowledge you never abused her physically. That's good for you. I can assure you your life would be much more grim than it already is if you had. I don't know how because I know I am no match for you in the physical sense. But I strongly outweigh you mentally and would configure something to hurt you badly. Between me and her family and our friends... lets just say it would have been gravely dangerous for you. I promise you that. And never forget that.
Even though you never laid your hands on her you hurt her like no other man ever has. With your words and your actions you made her feel so low and useless. How dare you?! She was easily the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you shit on her. I don't understand it. Someone like you would be very lucky to be with a woman half as good as her.
You took advantage of her in every way you could. You used her, you lied to her, you stood her up, you called her names, you treat her like she was less than human. You made her cry countless times. She missed out on so much in those two years because of you. You sucked the strength and life out of her. Before she got with you she was a very strong woman. By the time she left you she was stripped of her strength that defined her and became a vulnerable shadow of her former self. You robbed her of her confidence that has taken her so long to get back.
What gets me so mad is she never deserved any of it. She never did anything but treat you well. The times she was bad to you was a reaction to you treating her bad. I know this, do not deny it. You just did it because you could. If you turned the energy you spend being manipulative and cruel to people into something useful you could be a successful man. But I won't waste my time talking about the man you could be because you will never exert that energy for something useful. You will never accomplish anything good, it is not in your nature.
I really despised your facade of friendliness whenever I was around you. I know you didn't like me. I don't blame you, I kept trying to talk your girlfriend into leaving you. I used to get so angry when I would see you because I would automatically smile and say hi to you as a reaction, because that's what I do when I see all people that I know. Then my brain would catch up and realize what my body did and get pissed because you were not worth the energy used to make the fake smile. I think about it often that if I run into you again I hope I can overcome the nervousness and not smile and say hi but just stare at you blankly.
And if you're wondering why I would be nervous about you being around me, refer to the night I was in your driveway at your mom's house in her car, and your car was parked behind hers blocking us in the driveway. My God you are so lucky I didn't tell my husband about that until months later. You have absolutely no idea how incredibly lucky you are.
I know that she told me about your dad dying when you were young, and how she figures that is where so many of your problems come from. While I am very sorry you had to go through that I am sorry for the loss of your father, I got news for ya buddy... life's not fair. Everyone has obstacles to overcome. Everyone has bad things happen to them. Those things don't define you. How you react, learn and grow from them defines you and makes you who you are.
I see people go through worse than you imagine at work. Then, they get better and continue with their lives and do great things. What's your excuse? Why weren't you capable of that. Here's the answer. You ARE capable of it and you choose not too. You are so weak.
I hope that the hate that I feel for you now will fade into indifference. I know that I am not completely indifferent to you yet because I get mad when you call her and bother her. But in some aspects I am actually indifferent. For example, I do not care if you live or die. Maybe one day when I mature more I will be able to pity you. That's really how it should be. But I am not there yet.
In conclusion, you are such a waste of a human being. Such a colossal failure. You have cost my friend, whom I love dearly, an immeasurable amount of suffering. She didn't deserve it. There is nothing you can do to repair it but leave her alone. Never talk to her again. Never see her again. That is the best thing you could do for her.
You're a disappointment to all who know you. You are a burden to the world. I am not overexaggerating. You truly do no good, apart from maybe make your friends laugh. But they are bound to be as useless as you are. I doubt the company you keep now can be any better than you, because real people wouldn't put up with your shit. Your family doesn't even spend time with you.
I wish I could tell you that I wish you the best and to have a nice life. But I can't. I just wish you would go away.

Monday, July 13, 2009

My playlist makes me laugh!

I was listening to my MP3 player on the way home from Kim's house tonight and it just kinda amused me. On my playlist is Aerosmith, Michael Buble, Lady Gaga, the Twilight Soundtrack (don't judge it is AWESOME), Tone Loc, Guns and Roses, Black Sabbath, Marilyn Manson, Eve, Bob Marley and others.
If nothing else I have a wide range of interest in music. LOL
Soon to be on there is Madonna, Dixie Chicks (don't tell anybody) and Missy Elliot. haha.

Ooh and Kim I want to burn some that Sail song from the Lionel Richie CD!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Update on the Myspace drama. :) Renamed.

Haha, so my friend emailed me back and said, "Yeah I have no idea what happened, I lost a lot of my friends on here, send me another request." So it looks like it was no more than another instance of me over reacting. I do it often.
And where in the hell are all the mosquitoes coming from? I kill at least one a day in my house! Mother effers!
My first day back to work after the three day weekend was today and I am very upset to be back already. I need a vacation! A loooong one. Like, 3 months. Speaking of needing things, I also need someone to buy my house, to lose about 80 pounds and an ipod nano. I would be a much happier girl if all those things happened.
After I finish watching Twilight again (for the ninth time... Good Lord) I am going to work out, shower, then go to bed. I just can't help myself. I love Robert Pattinson. He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to be my boyfriend. ;)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

MySpace Politics

I recently had an old friend (lets call him Bob) find me on myspace that I had not spoken with in probably, 7 or 8 years. It was very nice to get reconnected to Bob, catch up on things, etc. We had a few long phone conversations. It was cool.
However, my husband did not like it. And I don't blame him. I found out something quite interesting about this friend of mine and waited for him to come clean with it and he never did. I was waiting for Bob to tell me where he had been all these years. Another friend and I were searching on the Michigan OTIS, goofing around to see if we knew any people in prison (we actually did- scary) Bob being one of these people. Since he was in for armed robbery (holy crap!), I think the honest thing would be is to admit it to me. We were at one time very close. He was one of my best friends in high school.
Despite what he did I was willing to look past it and still be at least friends who occasionally talk. I don't know his side of the story, and even if he did do it (which he must have, right?) I think the chance of him doing something stupid around me is probably very low. Am I stupid? Naive? Quite possibly. But it is hard to think one of my friends was capable of doing something that bad. So I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. And once people have served their time, they should be given a clean slate? Maybe?? Under certain circumstances?? I dunno. There's a whole lotta gray area here.
So we talked on myspace a few times, and he was friends with a couple of my friends. I am not on myspace much now, because I am indeed a grown woman with a career... and plus I like facebook more now. LOL. Yeah, don't let me fool you into thinking I am "beyond" social networking websites. But I hadn't hear from him in a while so I shot him an email. Never heard back. OK, we're all busy, I understand. A couple months later I send him another email inviting him out to the festival I am going to today and gave him my cell.
I checked myspace this morning to see if he read the email I sent him. He did. So I went to send him a comment on his page and say hey are you going today? And then myspace said to me "You must be one of this person's friends to leave a comment."
Hence the reasoning behind this entire blog. Why do people take myspace and fb so seriously? Just because I don't talk to you often on there because I have a real life doesn't mean I am ignoring you. Damn people. There should be a box people have to check when they start one of those websites so it can warn the rest of the normal people.
It should look something like this:
I will be:
A.- Not at all offended if you don't contact me often on here because it's a website and I understand it is real life.
B.- Somewhat offended you don't contact me often on here because although it is a website it is one of my favorite ways to communicate with friends and family.
C.- F*CKING PISSED if you don't contact me often on here because this is as important as any other aspect of my social life! This is my life and don't you rob me of it!

For future reference... if I am not on myspace or facebook often it's not because I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for you, it's because I have to do things like cook and clean and work. OK?

Friday, July 3, 2009

Not sure what to call this one...

I feel this need to write even though my life is, at this point, particularly boring. Sorry for those of you who feel compelled to read this. haha.
I have been thinking about writing a book. I have talked about it for years. I had a... for lack of a better word... "interesting" childhood and this is what sparks the idea for the book. It is a fictitious piece of writing inspired by true events that happened to me and my family. One day I was thinking about it and was like, "WOW- wouldn't this shitty situation be even more horrific if events A,B and C were thrown in too?! Now that is something I can write about!" And *poof* there was the idea.
Now I just hope I can commit to it and actually do it. I have lots of ideas for things and never follow through with them.
Although no I take it back, life is not entirely boring right now. On July 1 Kim had my second niece, Violet. She is adorable! I am actually going over to Kim's house ASAP to help out/pick up dinner/visit/whatever needs to be done. I am only blogging right now because I just fed the dogs and now they have to be outside for their obligatory post-feeding poo. I do not want to come home to two dog piles in my kitchen. Hardly appetizing.
So Aaron has been gone for almost 2 months now. It is still hard. I am getting used to sleeping on my own, but I miss the companionship. I miss his laugh. I really resent having to get a step stool or a pair of tongs to reach the cereal on the top shelf. He was really handy that way. I still shriek like a little bitch when I see a bug, and miss his bug killing expertise dearly.
On the plus side to being alone though, dinner time is very easy. I don't think I have cooked in two weeks. lol. Dinners often consist of food from the local middle eastern restaurant, or soup, or toast with peanut butter and jelly. And no I am not destitute. I am lazy! I find I actually eat less with Aaron here. Weird. I SO thought it would be the opposite.
Well the dogs are probably done, so I should go. I want to snuggle my newborn niece.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A few random thoughts.

I am so tired this morning. I had a surprise visitor knocking on my door at quarter past twelve, after I had already been lying in my bed for over an hour. While I love the friend who came to visit me, I do NOT love the time he chose. Now I am f*cked for work this morning. I was laying in bed after he left too awake to go back to sleep. Not to mention he scared the SHIT out of me.... I live alone and when someone knocks on your door and gets you out of bed at Midnight it is scary. Well at least it was for me last night! I called Autumn and woke her up because I was scared! LOL OK I need to get over this. It's done.
I have been thinking of ways to embrace the desire to lose the weight. Then it occurred to me as I was looking at some thin, slender girl and being mad at her for her that there is no reason to get mad at her. She obviously made a decision. You can't have it all. You can't be thin and eat what you want. That thin girl probably never eats half the crap I do. She's probably miserable because she never gets to taste anything good. Well, I would rather that kind of miserable then being miserable because you're fat and feel disgusting and unhealthy. So then I realized I have to make a decision. Either way you're gonna be miserable, which way do I want to be miserable? Either because I am fat or because eating now sucks because all the food tastes like cardboard and garbage. I am trying to stick to my decision to be miserable for the latter cause.
I did NOT do a good job of that this weekend. I blame that on hormones and craving to eat chips and dip all weekend. It was FAB but I know it was so bad.
On Saturday I signed up to be a Mona Vie distributor. I have not ordered the juice yet but as soon as I can afford to I will. If anyone is interested in learning about it let me know. :)

Friday, May 29, 2009


So a couple months ago my cousin and I watched it. I LOVED it. I was with her over Memorial Day weekend, we watched it again. Oh my God. LOVE. So I went out and bought it the next day. I have watched it twice this week. And I am reading the book. Help me.
I feel silly because people say it is geared for teenage girls, but hell no it's NOT. Edward Cullen is way too smoldering hot for teenagers. Uhhh.... I probably shouldn't watch it anymore. I am a married woman. Yet that movie... uh you just gotta watch it. Kim said that vampires shouldn't sparkle. He could roll around in a pile of dog shit and look just as delicious as he does sparkly. And what's my favorite thing ever? Diamonds! If a man looks encrusted in jewels it's all the more reason to love him. :D
Robert Pattinson is probably one of the most painfully sexy people I have ever seen in my life. Painful. Frustratingly, painfully gorgeous.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Don't even feel like blogging.

Maybe it's the PMS... maybe it's the whole situation coming to a head in my life... I think it's likely a rotten combination of the two. Aaron left for training today. I am probably not going to see him again for 6 months.
I should have known I was going to be an emotional wreck when I cried at Kroger because I saw ham steaks and those are one of his favorite things. I shoulda known...
I came home tonight after Kim's Baby Shower talking to Aaron on the phone. I could feel myself welling up and figured, OK lets get this over with now. I was dreading going through the house and seeing his things so I just went through every room and looked at it to get the heart sinking feeling out of the way. I didn't cry. I wailed like a child. I am not sure why. It's not like he freaking died!
The way I feel now is like the way I felt after a particularly horrible break up with a guy I dated in college. I was a mess for weeks. I cried at everything. It was a total surprise break up. I thought we were doing great, but apparently not. haha.
Anyway... I saw his stuff he left in the shower, lip quivered. I saw his slippers in the bedroom, it only got worse. Then I thought about what it's going to be like to lay in bed tonight and hug his pillow and smell him on it and that precisely when I started crying like a 5 year old who dropped their ice cream cone on the floor at the fair. Needless to say I have set up camp on the couch in the basement until I am ready to go handle it all. WTF. I wish I would start my f*cking period already people. If this is what I am like the whole 6 months he is gone I am going to need some intervention.
We've been apart before, when he went to Iraq for a year... but this seems just as hard even though it's MUCH better circumstances. Before we weren't even engaged for half of the time he was gone, and now we have been married for 2 years and living together for over 3... I don't even know what to do with myself. It's depressing.
So tonight I will sit on my couch, cry and eat cheesecake for dinner. I don't even care enough to have a real meal. Plus the leftover cheesecake sounds damn tasty. And no one is here to stop me. haha.
Hopefully my next blog won't be so obnoxiously... um.... emotional/pathetic/lame as this one. :(

Sunday, May 3, 2009

No BFP for me!

Due to the whole Aaron leaving for Texas on May 17 and us moving in November we are going to quit trying to get pregnant. It sucks but it makes the most sense. Well since he will be gone in about 2 weeks it kinda puts the whole trying aspect to a screeching halt so that kinda made the decision for us! No but seriously as long as I'm not pregnant right now I have to kinda keep it that way until he gets done with training and we are living together again.
If I were to get pregnant now that would suck so bad for both of us. All the housework and moving to me, the pregnant one. He would miss out on his first child's ultrasounds and first kicking, etc... and God forbid if I were to miscarry. That would screw him all up with training and the academy because all he would want to do is be here with me.
So of course this is the responsible, mature thing to do. But if I were to find out I was pregnant I would still be ecstatic. I would get to be a Mommy! AND then I would know my girlie bits are working! Double Yay!
While I am on the whole subject I suck SO bad at temping. Every day is practically a different time. But I am sorry I am not getting up early to take my temp so it's at exactly the same time every day. says it hasn't detected ovulation but I think it's wrong... I think I might have last week. :) We'll see in a few weeks I guess!
Hmm... if I am pregnant now I hope the multiple beers and shots I had last night don't touch the little stinker. I usually don't drink anymore at social things because we are TTC, but hey the party was at my house and for my husband before he leaves for 6 months... drinks were in order for me. And I figure even if I do get pregnant this month, s/he hasn't even implanted yet. So no guilt.
OK I am starving and have much stuff to around this house before my Mom gets here tomorrow. :)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Texas Bound!

Well it's official... Aaron got his offer to join the Border Patrol... and he is going to be stationed in Carrizo Springs, Texas.
I haven't been to Texas since I was like, 5 when I would do day trips El Paso for shopping when we lived in Clovis NM. I have no freaking idea what to expect. Well yeah I do, I expect men with big belt buckles and tight jeans, in trucks with Confederate Flags on them going "WOOOOO". And cows, and tumble weed, and Hank Hill.
Does anyone know about Texas? Am I right? Am I a Michigander that is going to have a complete culture shock in 6 months? Fill me in!
Aaron leaves for training on May 17... so from there it is just me left to get the house ready then out it up on the market. Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk....

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Something cooler than an Easter Basket!

So I woke up this morning to none other than a period. YAY!
I know, how many women can say they're honestly happy about getting a period!? But this is a GREAT step for me! It means I ovulated! According to my new "cycle", I ovulated around probably the end of March. So only after about 3 weeks of being on glucophage. That shit is magic, I swear!
I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am hoping it happens more often (lets say, every 28-35 days) so I can have a little Lamorand.
I was literally hopping up and down in the bathroom with the biggest smile on my face. You would have thought I won the lottery. :)
So maybe there is hope after all...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Unfortunately this is probably a good sign.

I feel evil. No, I don't think you get it. Evil. EEEVILLL. Like, leave the room, don't come in to my eye sight without either a dazzling compliment or ... actually no. Not even that, and chocolate makes me sick now, so that won't even sway me. I am glad I don't have the balls to act out the images in my head. I would be in big trouble. I don't want to kill anyone, but I do want to yell at people until they cry and/or crack a dining room chair across someone's back. Damnit.
I am trying SO hard to let it pass. But as soon as I feel it going away, I see something that pisses me off all over again.
As bad as this is to go through, and as ugly as it could be, deep down I know this is good because it probably means my body is absorbing my hormones again. Unfortunately the hormones that make me feel like a sociopath are the same little nuggets of joy that will help me ovulate and ultimately, conceive, so I really can't complain too much. This ugly, vile attitude I feel is probably estrogen, progesterone, or a cyclone whirl mix of the two coming back into my blood stream in the amounts that I should be having. God, one can only hope. Because if I feel this livid for NO DAMN REASON it will only be bad.
Yeah I have been moody over the last few months occasionally even though I wasn't having periods, but this is above and beyond. I hope this means I am "back to normal".
I feel like if I open my mouth and speak it will sound like Reagan from the Exorcist.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My observations about Lent

So this year for Lent I gave up fast food and regular pop. For the most part I have done well, but I have slipped a few times. Yesterday I stopped and got a beef and cheddar (no fries because I figured it would be better than a cheeseburger from McDonalds. To me, Arby's is the Cadillac of fast food, it IS fast food but it's not as shitty as McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King. I had to eat something so I could take my meds. I was on 23 going up to visit my family for the weekend. Can't eat a salad in the car now can I? So that was bad. But I think God gets it. The ONLY time I have had regular pop is when it was the ONLY thing to drink and I take as little as possible. I am trying.
A woman from my work has been giving me things from her church lately. I like it though, I think I approached her about it, so it's not annoying. Last week she left a little black book on my desk that has daily 6 minute reads, and you read one section a day through all of Lent. I have really enjoyed it, and it has made Lent make more sense to me. I realize now it's a time to try to be closer to God through denying yourself things you would usually have. Through your "suffering" you should be seeking God, not bitching because you can't have jelly beans because that is what you gave up. By reading it I have realized calling yourself a Christian and actually BEING a Christian are two very different things. I believe in God very much and pray and think about Him more than I probably let on, but even with that I still do not lead a very Christian lifestyle. So this year I have trying very hard to do more than just give up pop and not eat meat on Fridays and I am using this time to reflect on God and my relationship with Him. It's just what I needed too. I can't really explain what it's doing for me, I guess the best way to put it is it is giving me comfort I wouldn't otherwise have. Different from the comfort and love of my husband, family and friends. I am very lucky to have a life blessed with people I love, it's just something other than that. Anyhow, I am rambling about something that probably few people wish to read, and that's fine. :)
My last pondering thought for the day is this... am I judgmental or do I just vocalize my thoughts? At what point does it go from an opinion to a judgment? So for example, if last night there was a woman at a bar who was wearing a horrific outfit from the 60's. I asked the people at the table if they thought she had lost a bet. lol. Now is this a judgment or a joke/opinion? I personally think it's amusing either way, bad or not. This is also something I am trying to work hard on during Lent, as well as swearing. I swear like a sailor and I should try to curb that before I have babies.
OK well I am going to dinner and a movie with my cousin Yasmine to celebrate her birthday. She is honestly one of my favorite people in the world... I love her.) :)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Goober and Clyde.

Yesterday, after I left the RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist's) office, I just wanted to run away. But then I realized that I am taking my problem (my ovaries) with me. No matter where I go, there they are. So in my head I imagined these two little green gross looking things with eyes, (my perception of my bum ovaries) that resemble a cross between an almond and the Squidbillies. (If you don't know who they are, you HAVE to google them.) Two sad little reject ovaries with pathetic little eyes, goofy teeth and the occasional random hair sticking out of it's little ovary face. It kinda made me laugh. I would find the ability to make a joke out of a disease. Ah well. I am still quite upset about it, but thankfully I learned at an early age how to not stay sad for long consecutive periods of time. There is the occasional comic relief. I assume it's a coping mechanism. Well whatever it is, I am glad I have it! I'm not fooling myself, but at least I am not constantly depressed.
So tonight I drew a picture of my two ovaries and named them Goober and Clyde. I was slightly amused by this. Now there's a face to the name(s). :)

So you all might find this part cheesy...
I was looking for a quote to use for the name of my blog, something along the lines of, laugh so you don't cry... something to that effect. Then I came across Nat King Cole's song "Smile" and it is perfect. It is EXACTLY how I feel. So of course I have to put the lyrics here. And NO I am not doing this to be like some little weird emo kid. That shit annoys the hell outta me.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.


My doctor's appointment was yesterday and yes, it is official, I have PCOS. I saw my cyst filled ovaries with my own eyes. Well, not in person, that would be bad, but on the ultrasound screen. PS- If you ever have to have a saline infusion sonohysterography thing and someone tells you it doesn't hurt you tell them they are a F*CKING liar, because YES IT DOES.

I am so angry. And sad. It makes me mad because there is no one to blame. It's no one's fault, yet I have to deal with a world of crap now. I will be on Clomid in 4 or 5 months time if I don't get regular periods with just the glucophage.
On the bright side though, I love my reproductive endocrinologist. She is such a sweet caring woman. She actually enjoys what she does and it shows. I got lucky to get her. And she is very pro-active. She has a plan in store for me and I don't think she'll stop until I have a child. :)
I am scared. I am trying to remind myself this is not a death sentence or anything like that, but I can't help but feel like I am grieving a little. I am grieving the loss of my fertility, in a sense. There is no guarantee I can have a baby. I do have one friend who has PCOS and she said she felt the same way I do. And now she has a beautiful 2 month old daughter. I will remember them often during all this BS.
I have been doing some research: women without PCOS have a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. Women with PCOS, 45-50%. Women with PCOS also have a higher risk of gestational diabetes, high blood pressure during pregnancy, blood clotting issues (that could cause a clot in my placenta and cut off the blood to a baby, killing it...), premature births and high birth weight babies than women without PCOS. So even if I DO get pregnant, the worry is not over. Even though I know the news could be worse, I could have uterine cancer or something equally nightmarish, it's still bad news.
This diagnosis almost makes me feel like less of a woman. I am a woman for one thing, to reproduce. The one thing that my body was MADE FOR I may not even be able to do. Women who can't read or write and live in a friggin van down by the river can still get knocked up. People who have no reason bringing offspring into this world can make a hobby of it, while people like me have to go to infertility specialists and cry and go through painful procedures and take medicine just to try to get that chance.
I said it before, and wow does it hit me like a ton of bricks now. THIS is the thanks I get. I played by the rules (mostly) all my life. I went to school, graduated, went to college, got a degree, met a great guy, fell in love, got married, got a good job, got a 401K, bought a house, and this is how I am repaid for doing the right thing. Maybe I should have slept around, rob people, did drugs and not go to college. Then I would probably be a mother of 4.
OK I have to go get ready for work. I will feel sorry for myself more later.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Blood work

I had my blood drawn yesterday in preparation for the big test this Thursday. My doctor is a U of M doctor, and I work for U of M, so I have access to my labs. Each one pops up one by one, and I look at the results. Fasting glucose was OK. 2 hour post prandial glucose was OK too. Good. FSH was OK, estradiol was higher than it should be for this time in the month, but I don't know what that means. SO for the most part, my workup is unremarkable, which is good. Then, my insulin comes back. Normal is 1-21. Mine was 56.6. Looks like I am insulin resistant. I'm not a doctor, so I am not sure, but that's definitely what it sounds like. And insulin resistance is a hallmark sign of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Well isn't that just fabulous.

On the bright side, I may be wrong. I may get another diagnosis on Thursday. I highly doubt it, but I could be wrong. But all the signs pretty much fit the bill. If the doctor says I do not have PCOS I may even go for a second opinion, it seems that unlikely for it to be something other that PCOS. And on the other bright side (is there one when you're about to be diagnosed with the number one reason for female infertility?) at least now I KNOW what the hell is going on. That is probably why I have gained 30-40 pounds in the last 2 years. That is why the skin on my arms looks different. That is why I do not have periods. Maybe now something can be done to fix it? Now maybe I can get pregnant??

Ugh. Who knows. I will put up another blog later in the week after I have my appt.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Since last Monday I have been having shitty luck. It is starting to piss me off... bad. Here's the details.

I like to think of myself as an optimist. Really I do. I know I am a very lucky person in the grand scheme of things.

Last Monday- my filling falls out of my tooth and I have to have an emergency tooth extraction. The silver lining: at least I found a dentist near my house that I really like that took me that day. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Wednesday- I get a sore throat, which turns into a cold. I have to call in Thursday because I am sick. The silver lining: I was feeling back to my old self by this Tuesday, and thank God I have a job where I can call in sick. I accrue 16 hours of PTO a month. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Saturday- I was at a party, feeling like crap, when it finally hit me. *I AM PROBABLY MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I AM LEAVING ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE.* I proceed to spend the rest of the time I am there crying uncontrollably and leave without saying goodbye, which is SO not my style. The silver lining: I won't be leaving until I sell the house, so I am practically guaranteed more time with these awesome friends of mine. AND, thank God we have the opportunity to find a better job for my husband when thousands of people are losing theirs. Yes, we are lucky. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Sunday- Our washing machine starts banging loudly and acting possessed in our basement. It is broken in the middle of a load. We have tons of laundry to do. The silver lining: My sister in law lives 8 miles away and she graciously lets us use her washer and dryer when we need it. AND we have a warranty on our washer until October 2010, so it will be fixed at no charge to us. OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
This Tuesday- I am on my way to work, and I start my car to heat it up... my tire is flat. Motherf*cker. I have to call AAA to get them to put my spare on (no, I don't know how to do it myself and as long as I have a husband or a AAA membership I have no intention on learning. And no you can't talk me out of it...) then I sit in Discount Tire for 1 1/2 hours waiting for my tire to get fixed. And I shit you not, as I get out of my car I stand up and almost scream in pain because I pulled a muscle I didn't know I had in my nether-regions. My God I didn't know you could have a pain like that and not be on your period or crowning. It was horrible. Thank God it subsided after 600mg of motrin and a Coke. The silver lining: Discount Tire patched the 2 holes in my tire for free, and I was not in trouble for coming in to work 2 1/2 hours late. I am still trying to look at the bright side.
Wednesday-Today- My husband tells me that he is reenlisting for 6 years in the National Guard, which sucks. But, on the bright side, he is going to get a 15K bonus if he passes the PT test... by March 1. Thanks to President Obama there will be no more reenlistment bonuses after March 1, 2009. But I am thinking to myself, WOW- we can pay off our credit cards and be in a MUCH better financial situation! AWESOME!!!!! Alas, he was not able to run the 2 miles in less than 17 minutes. That sucked. I feel bad for him though because he tried as hard as he could. I am not at all disappointed in him, I am proud of him for trying. In his defense he had NO warning. The same day he found out about the test he went and did it. The silver lining: Well, at least no one took 15K away from us, right?? There has GOT to be a bright side, right?
Today- We got our tax return info back today and we're not getting half of what we expected. Son of a BITCH. Now we can't buy the treadmill we wanted OR pay off the small (ha) credit card. The silver lining: Our good friend Jessica is going to redo our taxes and see if she can find something was missed last time. I think at this point the bright side is a bad, bad place.

So... today I played the lottery. LOL. I figured hey, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen? NOT WIN? LMAO after this week who gives a shit. But on the bright side, if my luck turns around this would be a GREAT pay back for all the bullshit I went through these last couple weeks. And I would LOVE to help out my family and friends by paying off their mortgages, cars, whatever else they needed. Oh and PS I would go to England and live it up. :)
Hey, dreams are free...

Oh PS- while all these things are happening I am having another medicine induced period which makes me feel like ASS. AND the big test is Thursday. I am terrified to think of what the result could be. If I am infertile I will find out that day at the meeting afterward with the doctor. I was told at my last appointment to bring someone with me, because I could potentially get really bad news, and that the test is humiliating because you're sitting on a table, spread eagle, with saline leaking out of you and it feels like you're peeing on the table. Yay, I can't wait. :/

Randomness: Aaron is sitting next to me as I type this and he is playing the guitar and singing for Harvey. He has played most of his regulars... but Bob Marley's Redemption Song is having a tranquilizing effect on Harvey. He actually had to lie down in the middle of the song because he literally could not hold his eyes open any longer. Before Harvey was sitting intently right in front of Aaron watching him play. It was sweet. We have to get a video camera and tape Harvey and Aaron and their Daddy-Doggy bonding time. :)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Arizona or Bust?

Disclaimer: I do not feel good at all. I am on lots of meds, including half a vicodin for the unrelenting sore throat and general muscle soreness that is accompanying this cold from hell. Oh yeah, AND I had a tooth pulled this week too. This week has been kinda crappy. At least right now it doesn't feel too bad. I am getting a little sleepy though. So if blog is goofy, it is because I am blogging on meds.

Last May Aaron applied for a position with the Border Patrol. With his background we figured hey, great job, good pay, no worries of layoffs, we can't go wrong?
Last week Aaron got a phone call from someone in Washington DC that said his application was completely processed and it looked good, now we are just waiting for the final/official offer. HOLY SHIT. This job will definitely move us out of state, to the Mexican Border. He put his preference in for Tucson Arizona. The man from DC is talking to the hiring center about our house, he will hopefully find a way for us to get out of our mortgage so we can move. We simply can't afford to go to AZ and pay for our mortgage here too.
I know virtually nothing about Arizona. I just googled different stores I go to, and yes, they have a Target, Kmart and 13 Walmarts. However, no Meijer or Kroger. Where will I buy food? I talked to the lady from the Chamber of Commerce there, and I think she thought I was a dumbass. I asked her if there were scorpions. Heh, she was like, "Yes, honey, we live in the desert." I act cool like, oh, OK... but inside I am freaking out. DESERT? People really live in deserts? I used to live in New Mexico when I was a young child but 1. I lived on an Air Force Base, and 2, I moved to Michigan before my 6th birthday and I have been here ever since. I remember having grass in New Mexico. All the pictures of houses for rent I see in Tucson just have dirt, bushes, gravel... no grass. I guess that is cool for someone who doesn't like to mow the lawn (i.e. Aaron and I). But if I see a scorpion I will definitely, without a doubt in my mind either shit myself or scream. I am leaning toward a little of both. I don't like creepy crawlies. Oh and PS- she said they have Black Widows there too. Great. Fan-f*cking-tastic. Every time I have been bitten by a spider in the past I end up in the ER due to the swelling of the area that gets bitten. So why don't we add a spider with poisonous venom into the mix. Awesome. Will I need an epi-pen? :/
On the bright side when I was looking for houses for rent, they have a WHOLE lot of new houses for rent, bigger than our current house, well kept (at least it appears that way on the 'net...) for hundreds less than we pay for our mortgage now. I mean sure, we could get one that costs more, but that would just be stupid. Plus, I like the thought of making more money than we do now and spending less to live than we do now. It won't make up for being essentially alone in a strange place, but at least maybe we can get in a better place financially, which sounds great.
The thought of being without my families (my own and Aaron's...) and our friends is depressing as hell. I don't want to miss my sister grow up, or Sadie and Juniper (that's what I will call her until I know what her real name is). I love my job, I like my house, I have great friends that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world... and there's a really good chance I am going to leave it all. Sounds horrible. But at the same time, with the economy the way it is, passing up a job in the Border Patrol could very well prove to be the biggest mistake we ever made. AND, if we have the opportunity to get out of our mortgage and just rent again and not have all the worries home-ownership entails, that would also be a huge blessing. I just hope all our friends and family keep that in mind and instead of making us feel guilty for leaving they wish us well instead. :( And I hope they all move with us too.
Don't you all want to live in the desert with me? Cue in Sam Kinison's stand up comedy "YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING DESERT! IT'S SAND!" LOL.
So, can anyone tell me anything about Tucson? Have you ever been there? Would you live there? What parts should I avoid? Which hospital should I try to work in? Are they nice there? Will I be a minority being non-Hispanic? (better known as pasty white girl) Fill me in!
OK, I think it's about time for me to flop on the bed and get some much needed rest. So friends, please consider moving with us. It'll be fun! It'll be an adventure! Please don't make us do it alone!! :(

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dentist from Heaven

So, I was at work yesterday training a patient how to administer her own home antibiotics and out of nowhere I feel something big in my tooth. It's huge filling was coming out. Grrreeeeaaattt. This tooth is, believe it or not, a baby tooth. I have two spots in my mouth where adult teeth buds never formed, so after the baby teeth came out, all I have after that is a toothless gap. Yuck.
This filling is GINORMOUS. I basically had no tooth left when it came out. So after teaching patients about antibiotics I go back to the office, google dentists in Livonia (why Livonia I don't know, I just did. However I live in Westland. Whatever.) I find this one called Concord Dental Group, I like their website, they have evening hours 2 days a week, and they're only a few miles from my house. I called them, they can take me that night for an emergency appointment. YAY! Someone can fix my mouth!
I get there, fill out the health questionnaires, and one of the questions was "Are you scared of being at the dentist's office?" or something to that effect. Well this little pebble of a tooth is very sensitive, even if I just touch my tongue to it. In addition, my teeth are very sensitive to cold and hot, so why wouldn't they be sensitive to everything else? Even with cleaning visits my hands are so tight on the armrests that my knuckles are white. So I said yes.
They were SO receptive to that! After we made the decision to pull out the baby tooth, they gave me topical numbing mouth gel, a continuous mask of nitrous oxide (awesome!) and headphones playing music from the 70's. Very trippy with the nitrous, it kept me entertained in my head. Very cool choice. The worst part was the numbing, that hurt bad. Usually, like before a filling they only shoot up your gum on the outside. No, this time I got a shot there AND in my hard palate. Even being squirrely from the nitrous that STILL hurt.
There were, however, thought I had while wearing the nitrous nose piece that made me LOL to myself in the chair. I was the only one in the room. They put big aviator style goggles on me and then the nitrous, which came in a pointy, gray nose piece. When they started to numb me I thought that I probably looked like an aviator mouse who had a stroke and it was all over. I was laughing to myself. What a dork.
I will finish this later when I have more time, I have to get ready for work now!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Haunting Memory

I can't go into too much detail about it because it is about a new patient I have. He's a nice gentleman, and I was in his home a few weeks ago giving him an intravenous infusion as part of my new job as a home infusion nurse. This person has health issues that impair his range of motion.
Just as I was about to give him his medication he said he noticed that his dog was acting strangely. Shortly thereafter his dog started having a grand mal seizure. Drooling, convulsions that sent him in different directions in the room, it was horrible to see. My old dog Cody was epileptic too, so at least I have seen this before or else I wouldn't be able to handle it. Thing is though, seeing a Lab seize is a little more scary than seeing a Beagle seize. Labs are way bigger and can do more damage. I knew he wasn't capable of hurting anyone, but it was just a little frightening regardless.
So here this man is, on his hands and knees, petting this dog, holding his head, comforting him, and he is disabled himself. There's a disabled man on the floor helping his disabled dog. My God it haunts me. He is a very nice guy, the dog is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. The man was the sweetest, most comforting thing to his dog. It broke my heart because they have each other, they are the only two people (dogs are people too) who live in this house, and they both have health ailments. The man and his dog love each other to pieces, and yet they have to see the other one suffer. It makes me want to cry and wail and stomp my feet. Why does crap like this have to happen? Why does this situation even exist? It's not fair! Talk about kicking you when you're down.
When the whole thing was over, he got back in his chair, kept petting his dog, and began his infusion. In my eyes he was a hero to Rocky. He was there for his dog and what was going on with himself was secondary. The rest of the day we watched a movie while the patient and dog had some snacks and relaxed. I made sure to give Rocky lots of kisses and hugs while I was there.
All I know is despite whatever that man could have possibly done in his life prior to that moment in God's eyes is probably all forgotten now. If God is the wo/man I think/believe s/he is, an action like that is so loving and selfless that he probably just got himself a one way ticket to Heaven.
Ugh. Thinking about it kills me.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

75 Things I Want to do Before I Die.

This was an assignment I had to do in high school. Write 75 things I wanted to do before I die and hand it in for my English teacher, Mr. Koch. (Pronounced Mr. Cook, call him Mr. Cock and he got mad. haha)
I have often thought of re-writing it, so here it goes.

1. Be a Mom.
2. Lose weight and be sexy!
3. Have all my credit card debt paid off.
4. Get a Master's Degree in Nursing Management, or Health Administration, or sell out and get my Nurse Anesthetist Degree for the $.
5. Learn to speak Spanish so I can be a more effective Nurse.
6. Go to Italy and look up the Stanziones that I am distantly related to.
7. Watch 4th of July fireworks from a hot air balloon (but far enough away to there they won't fall in and burn me alive or pop the balloon.)
8. Go to NYC.
9. Run into a particular ex boyfriend while Aaron is with me so he can see how good my life is and let it sink in that his probably blows and that dumping me was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Muahahaha...
10. Go to Disney World.
11. Buy a big farm house in the country and get privacy fencing around a large plot of land so I can have my own Dog Rescue. But instead of adopting the dogs out to families I just keep them all. I couldn't ever give one of my babies away. If I had enough money I would hire people to pick up the dog poop and help play with them so I knew they would be well cared for.
12. Win the lottery so I could pay for aforementioned Dog Rescue.
13. Go on a (safe) nature ride/safari in Africa so I can see the animals in their own natural habitat.
14. Take a vacation in a beach house in New England.
15. Spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
16. Spend a Halloween in Salem MA and see Boston too.
17. Go to another Emeril's restaurant.
18. Buy/rent a van or trailer and travel all over the US and see all the States.
19. Go on a cruise.
20. Be a Nurse Manager.
21. Own a brand new vehicle.
22. Go to Bethlehem.
23. Spend a Christmas at a cool resort at Disney World/Universal Studios with my family and our kids so they could spend Christmas in Cinderella's castle, or something equally exciting.
24. Go to Stratford-Upon-Avon.
25. Renew our wedding vows on the shore at Bamburgh Castle
26. Have a meeting with a real psychic/medium like Rebecca Rosen.
27. Get another tattoo. Not sure what or where, but I know I want more.
28. Take a cooking class.
29. Go Christmas Shopping in New York City.
30. Spend a New Year's Eve in Times Square.
31. Write a book.
32. Go to Christmas Eve Mass in the Durham Cathedral again.
33. Have a large collection of angel figurines. I already have a couple.
34. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
35. Take an Alaskan Cruise. This is separate from #19, by this I meant a Jamacian-or-something-to-that-effect Cruise.
36. See the set of Coronation Street. They used to do tours of it!
37. Learn to speak Italian just because I love the way it sounds.
38. Have an unlimited shopping spree in Rogers and Hollands and Tiffany.
39. Take a globe, close my eyes, spin it, put my finger on a spot, then go there. Except for like, Iraq. F that.
40. OK so I can't think of anything else right now. I will put more on here when I think of more!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So annoying

Yesterday I took a pregnancy test when I got home from work. It was negative. So OK fine, I go about my day.
Well I had forgotten to throw the negative test away. So when I went to the bathroom to shower last night before bed I pick it up to throw it away... then I look at it, it's POSITIVE. Hours later this tests looks different.
The other tests I took this week (I buy them at the dollar store, so I will take them as often as I feel like and not feel bad, haha) bled and caused weird lines on them after I read them as negative too. But this one looked different. Kim, it looked JUST like the one you had in November that you showed me. A very faint line, but a line nonetheless.
So this morning I took another one to see if it was true and that I really am pregnant. Nope. No go. Big fat negative.
I know that is says readings after 10 + minutes are not accurate, but damn. I have taken a LOT of pregnancy tests and none of them had ever looked like that. Last night I was so excited I felt like a kid at Christmas. I was too excited to go to sleep. Now I have to go to work tired and NOT pregnant.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Doctor Appointment with Reproductive Endocrinology

Finally, someone who took it all seriously. Finally, a doctor who made more than just a passing, fleeting comment about my fertility (or lack thereof). I talked to two doctors and one nurse today whose primary goal is to see that I become a mom. I didn't feel like a bother to them. It was nice. But what they told me wasn't so much.
First, they want to rule out PCOS and metabolic disorder. Hmmm. Didn't a doctor already tell me I was out of the woods for PCOS. Yes, a doctor who does not have the tools or the knowledge to do so. She tested my hormones and sure, they were all within normal limits. But since I hadn't had a period in 3 months, there is no way to tell what part of my "cycle" I was in, which basically rendered those levels (as well as the time I took out of work AND 2 pokes) useless. Thanks. I appreciate it. While I am at it, thanks for the false hope I had for the last month that everything was really OK. The only good thing she did for me was make me have a medicine induced period and refer me to someone who knows what they are doing.
So in a nutshell, here is the plan:
If I don't either have a positive pregnancy test or a period on my own by beginning of Feb. then I have to take more meds to induce another period, then on day 2 of my period I have to have a fasting glucose test done, as well as all the female hormones AGAIN. (Yes, all the tests I have already done... all over again.) In addition to this they are running genetic tests for cystic fibrosis since Aaron and I are both European descent. That is just a blood test, but THANKS for making me think of something that 1. most Caucasian people don't even think about when trying to conceive and 2. giving me a WHOLE NEW THING to worry about. Then, AS IF that wasn't enough, on March 5th I am having a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography. AND... they want to do a semen analysis on Aaron. So there ya go, a whole reproductive workup. Oh yeah, and I have to consult with a dietician, which can really only be a good thing. I hope my insurance can cover all this...
So I spent a part of my morning crying and being scared. Pap smears just about send me flying off the table because for whatever reason they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I had a nurse practitioner ask me after a Pap a couple years ago if I was a victim of sexual abuse because of how much pain it was for me, because usually "only women who have been traumatized have that kind of reaction." No, the only one traumatizing me is the bitch with the speculum and the mascara wand who is shoving it in the os of my cervix! A Pap is only scraping the cervix, and with this test they are going to go straight through my cervix. OH MY GOOD GOD I AM SCARED. AND, they give nothing for pain control. No, wait, I am sorry. They wrote me an order for f*cking Motrin, so my fallopian tubes do not vasospasm, therefore messing up their images. It has nothing to do with my comfort. They say it should just feel like a pinch. Well, they just say "a little pressure" when they do my Pap and that makes me just about jump off the table. It feels like electric shocks going up my body. I bet they're right though... just a pinch. I wish you could see my face as I type this. Yeah right just a pinch.
I am so disheartened by all this crap. Why can't I just have sex and get pregnant like you're supposed to?! Why does everything have to be such a pain in the ass for me? I know, I am probably blowing it out of proportion right now, but whatever. My blog, my feelings.
I hope to God more now than ever before that I am pregnant before this all happens to me so I don't have to go through it. I know that damned test would be a walk in the park compared to what childbirth is. But just as much as I am afraid of the pain, I am angered and disappointed in what it all signifies. My body potentially failing me. I just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself up with the biggest fluffiest blanket I can find and hide from the world.
And if one person leaves a comment on here saying "Well, there's always adoption!" I am going to scream. Yes, I know, and it would be an amazing thing to adopt, but this isn't the issue right now. If I have to yes I will. And I will love an adopted child very much. But I want to give my husband and I our own biological child. I want to make a baby with him and see ourselves in him/her and know that little person exists because two people loved each other so much. I want to feel a baby kicking from the inside, not the outside for once.
Ugh. The whole world feels gray to me today. I am going to bed.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Crazy Pants

So... turns out there is this weird guy on who thinks its necessary to tell you you're going to hell if you don't share EXACTLY the same very narrow minded and unaccepting views as he has. I saw him messing with my friends, so I made a comment to him on one of their blogs.
I woke up this morning to find 24 new comments on my latest blog that I posted days before I ever commented about him. At first I was going to erase them but then as I was reading them they became quite comical. So I am going to save them for your gawking pleasure if you want to see it. Just go to my last blog and read the comments.
I will say this about him, I think it's great that he has such a love for God. I wish more people did. But, I also love God and I don't go around harassing people who don't, or who do but just have different beliefs than I do. I think about 95% of Christians agree with me here when I say that he is NOT helping out God or Christianity because he is promoting hate and intolerance.
I know if I had a problem like drug addiction or anything else bad, I could go to the woman who married Aaron and I and she would accept me and try to help me in any way she could. She really IS a follower of God and would try to help. If I emailed Crazy Pants and asked him for help he would send me links to websites that tell me to be afraid that I am going to hell for eternity. How is that helping? Would Jesus do that? NO. He would probably hug me and tell them that no matter what, he loves me.
I know nothing I say or blog will change this person's point of view, and that is fine. That was not my intent. But I HAD to blog about it for the sheer WTF factor of it all.

A little nugget of wisdom/info/whatever I have for him and anyone else like him is this: Love the sinner, hate the sin.
If you truly think that someone is doing something wrong, chastising them for it will not improve their behavior.
***I am SOOOO not saying this because I want this person's acceptance! I'm just sayin is all.***

He said in a couple things that he is a saved Christian. All jokes and irritation aside, I am glad for him. But if he is trying to get others closer to God by doing what he is doing, he is actually causing much more harm than good.

PS- If I keep getting harassed by him on here I am going to copy and paste this blog as well as every comment I have ever gotten from him and send it to the administrators and try to get him booted off of here. This is not a threat, it's a promise. Pick your battles, buddy.