Isabella Maria

Isabella Maria
Her 3 week pictures... such an angel!

Thursday, September 2, 2010


It's getting harder and harder with every day to be in Texas. I am far away from everyone and everything I know. I have a baby that almost no one has met, and it kills me that her own family doesn't know her, apart from my mom, dad, step mom, mother in law and brother and sister. While I am SO grateful they have had the chance to meet her, there are so many more to go! Aaron works all the time, so not only do I have none of the comforts of home, but I am alone raising a baby *practically* by myself. Having said that though, Aaron is an excellent father and does tons for Izzie whenever he gets the chance. He adores his daughter, and it makes me love him even more than I did before I had her. :)
One of my friends posted this on facebook, and it made me think so I am going to re-post it and give my thoughts on it.
God sends us what we need just when we need it, sometimes He's early BUT He's never late! Remember that Andrea God will give you what you need to get out of that hell hole soon!

She made me think... maybe why we are here is because we needed to learn something different from the lives we were already living. Maybe we had to be in another environment to get something out of life that God thought we were lacking. So I am going to write a list of all the things I have learned here in hopes that God will read my list, decide we have done what needs to be done, and let us go home!!

1. I have learned how to say goodbye to (almost) everyone I love. It was painful, but I learned that I am strong enough to do it. I might not be happy, but I am surviving. I continue to exist.
2. I have learned that my husband and I are a strong couple that is very devoted to each other. This is one of those situations that will either "make or break" a couple, and it has just given more proof that we are meant to be together. That's a great feeling.
3. I have learned that I can get pregnant, because I did. I also learned what pregnancy is like, and I got the added bonus of high risk pregnancy. Yippee! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, it is the best thing I have ever done. I try not to complain because there are so many out there who can't get pregnant at all, I was one of the lucky ones.
4. I have learned what its like to be a mother and experience the most (in my opinion) powerful bond in the world. I don't care if everyone I know is crying, the ONLY one that is going to make my boobs leak is Isabella! Bonds don't get much stronger than that!!
5. I have learned some Spanish and been immersed in what I can only describe as a different culture.
6. I have learned what it feels like to be a minority.
7. I have gotten experience in pre and post operative nursing, including IV starts.
8. I got my first brown recluse bite here, super! :/
9. Two words: Frito Pie.
10. I learned to maneuver through San Antonio highways and traffic.
11. I have learned how to budget, finally. That lesson was a very tough one to learn!
12. I have never prayed this much in my life. While I have only gone to church once since I have been here, The Big Guy and I converse often. Well, I talk, He listens. I am waiting for a response!
13. I am still learning what it's like to live alone in a new place. Yes Aaron and I live together, but he works so much that I don't get to see him often. Most days I am alone. But when we do have the same days off it's great, we always try to make sure and enjoy our time together. So there's...
14. I am learning how to appreciate the small things. A lot of times those small things are all we get! Having dinner together at home and a half hour of sitting on the couch before one of us has to go to bed is often the only time we get together for a day or two. So our social life has gone from parties nearly every weekend and living close to lots of friends, to mac and cheese on the couch while watching an episode of SNL that is saved on the DVR. But when its all you get, you have to learn to appreciate it.
15. I have learned a little bit about respect here. I never realized it, but people from the North rarely use "Ma'am" and "Sir". Here that is just how you address people. And since I have seen that I will try to raise Isabella to address her elders saying Ma'am and Sir.

OK so I think it goes to show that in 10 1/2 months I have learned a lot. I have had a lot of life experiences here. So, that being said, hopefully God realizes this and decides that we have gone through enough and we deserve to go home. Fingers crossed!!!!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

A site I visit... often.

It makes me feel better to see the number get smaller every day. Then I use it to update my facebook page. I know it's pathetic. And I can almost guarantee you that you'd do the same thing if you were here!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Hello World!

Well well well... it sure has been a long time since I have blogged. I have been a little busy with childbirth and a newborn and all. There have been several things I have thought to myself since last time, "Make sure to put that in your next blog!" but now there are so many that I would be on here all night blogging.
In a nutshell, Isabella Maria was born on July 13, 2010 at 4:27 AM emergency c-section. Before I go any further, let me paint a picture. The night before the induction I couldn't sleep. I was too excited. And I couldn't sleep all that day because I kept having visitors, plus I was excited, plus the cramps made me uncomfortable. So by the time all this excitement starting happening, I was spent! They induced me with Cytotec pills to ripen my cervix, which worked somewhat. They started at about 8:30AM and by 3:00AM the next morning (after having some pitocin too) I was dilated ALL THE WAY to 1.5 centimeters. Fun. Contractions suck, but I was lucky. Mine never got worse than period cramps. But it was period cramps that I had essentially all day, which never let up and it became extremely irritating. That and sleep deprivation made for a bitter Andrea.
Around 9:00PM they started the pitocin and Izzie almost immediately started acting different. Her heart rate went way high, in the 170-180 range. She is usually 130-150. It was like that for hours. They had my laying on my right side and gave me fluid resuscitation and 100% oxygen to try to make it better. The nurses assured me that sometimes babies react like this to pitocin and that it was OK. I was terrified. All I kept thinking was I went through so much work to get here, I am AT the finish line, you better not kill her now!! At about 11:00PM they gave me my epidural. When I say "they", I actually mean my co-worker Brady. lol. He was great. Great bedside manner. I felt very comfortable with him. Shortly after the epidural was when I had to lay on my right side, which may have contributed to future problems that I'll get into later.
The epidural went into a vein before it went into the right place, so I wonder if some of the meds (one of which was fentanyl, a potent narcotic) got in my blood stream. I am sure if that happened it was a minute amount. But if you add epidural plus the aforementioned sleep deprivation I felt loopy. Like, dreaming while awake, hallucination loopy. I kept waking Aaron up because I felt like I was dying whenever I started to fall asleep. I remember one of the "images" I had in my mind (my awake dreams, for lack of a better expression) was a combination of Will Ferrell and a teddy bear. Really? WTF!
My doctor came in later to check me and I told him I was scared that I did something wrong to cause this. Then I confessed that I had eaten feta cheese during my pregnancy (LMAO, looking back now he probably thought I was INSANE) and that I briefly had a tick on my neck (EEEWWW) over the weekend. I distinctly remember asking him if I could have gotten a "freaky tick disease" or a "feta cheese disease". Then I laughed because feta cheese disease rhymed. He laughed too. He probably wanted to smother me with my pillow. And I don't blame him. LOL. He assured me that the feta cheese in the US is pasteurized so it was OK, and he thinks the brief tick encounter was OK and in no way contributory to my situation.
He then checked me and saw that after all the meds I was only dilated to 1.5 cm, and with the way Izzie was acting he didn't think it was safe to try to go vaginally. I agreed, and we went ahead and did the c-section. By this point I was exhausted. To put it into perspective, they had to prep shave me (yes down there) and I slept through it. Then my manager wheeled me into the OR (did I ever mention that the hospital where I had Izzie is also the hospital where I work, and I work in Day Surgery? So the people in the OR are my co-workers? Yeah. Fun, huh? My boss and other co-workers saw my junk. Sigh...) I was half awake through a lot of the OR preparation but I remember telling them I could feel my legs and move them, despite being given a spinal dose of meds through my epidural. They said it was OK and that I would kick in soon. I said OK. I also remember being able to feel being prepped with the cold iodine solution.
Next thing I know Aaron is next to me, the blue sterile sheets are up and we're starting the c-section. I said "Ooh, I can feel that". They told me "Yes, you will feel a lot of pressure." But after a few seconds I was like, "Ow, ow ow, it hurts." I kept grimacing and complaining. I felt a hot burn at the same time that I heard the cautery machine go off and knew something was up. I told them I felt burning. They also used utensils like shoe horns to keep the incision open, and I felt it stretch my skin and click into place, complaining while it was going on. I was told if I kept having sensation that I would have to be put under general anesthesia. I told them to keep going because I wanted to be awake, and I wanted Aaron to see his daughter be born. Then I felt pain on my left side and said OUCH!. One of the doctors asked me what I felt, and I told him that he pinched me. No one said anything for a couple seconds, and then I was told again I might have to go under. I told them if they were almost done to just go ahead and do it. It wasn't painful as if I had no medicine at all, it felt like what I imagine it would feel like if I had been operated on my leg or hand after it fell asleep from being laid on wrong. The pain was not as bad as if I was just cut without warning, but it still was not fun. They told me they had only made the skin incision, nothing else had been done yet. So there was no way I was going to be able to make it without being put under, unless I was into severe pain (which I am NOT). I remember telling my boss I was scared, and I think she held my hand. They put the mask on me, pushed on my throat so I didn't vomit and get it in my lungs, and I was out shortly thereafter.
Next thing I know, I wake up to "You have a beautiful baby girl!" from Brady. I try to talk but have an oral airway in my mouth in case I needed to be reintubated. I later learned that I am just FULL of surprises. I was difficult to intubate. They gave me the propofol to knock me out and then couldn't get the ET tube in. They had to use 2 types of blades before they could get my airway in. The prolonged time to intubate me made it so that Izzie was exposed to my medicine, and she was sleepy when she was born. That made her Apgar scores 6 at 1 minute and then 9 at 5 minutes. Turns out she also had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice, which was why I wasn't dilating. She was otherwise fine. Poor baby!
After surgery I needed oxygen for longer than was expected, but I was OK. Turns out I was a difficult intubation because, for lack of better explanation. I am fat and more so because of the pregnancy, have a short neck and a big fat tongue. Now am I or am I not the EPITOME of sex appeal? LMAO. (I would like to use this opportunity to say now that I gained a total of 10 pounds during the pregnancy and now am 25 pounds less than I was when I got pregnant so HA! I wasn't that fat, just unfortunately shaped. Not sure if that makes it better...)
I woke up in the PACU to my manager being my nurse and my coworkers seeing me. It was nice to see friendly faces, even though I was stoned. It must have been weird for them to see a coworker in the place where usually strangers are. But everyone was great. After I was extubated I sounded all hoarse and had to cough, which sucked because I felt like if I coughed I was gonna shoot my uterus out. I remember telling my coworkers that I sounded like a sorority girl that drank and smoked too much. LOL. I shouldn't have been allowed to talk after all those meds!
Then FINALLY I got to see my baby. She was so little and cute. Aaron was holding her. She was all wrapped up in a blanket with a little hat. She looked just like her daddy! Now she looks more like me, but not in the beginning! :)
OK so much for not blogging much. Izzie has been asleep for the last hour and I am going to quit being a fool and go lie down until it's time for her next feed.
In short, Isabella is wonderful, healthy, beautiful and a joy to have. She was worth every poke, prod and tear. I would do it for her all over again without hesitation. I suppose I will do it one more time so I can have a second child. But two is my max, unless I get a multiple pregnancy. Pregnancy does not like my body, although I loved being pregnant.
OK seriously, lying down now!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Final Thoughts on Pregnancy

In a week from today I will be in the hospital being induced so I can have my little girl. Time has FLOWN by! I know I thought it would take forever to get here, and now I can definitely say that I was wrong.
It's kinda funny how many emotions I am experiencing right now. I am SOOO excited to meet my baby, see what she looks like, kiss and hug her, etc. I am scared for the labor. I am scared of the responsibility of being another person's eyes and ears for the next however many years of her life... because I am petrified of hurting her. I have wanted this for so long and have finally been blessed with it, but still I am nervous about it. I am a little sad too, because in a way I don't want the pregnancy to be over. I mean, I know I can't live this way forever (and I certainly don't want to either, haha!) but I will miss having her so close to me. I imagine what it will be like when they take her away to weight and measure her, and give her a quick health assessment and it makes me sad because I want to have her with me for those first few minutes. As of right now I know her better than anyone else in the world. Part of me doesn't want to share that. One day I will be her lame ass mom who is embarrassing and so mean and doesn't get it... but right now we're like a little team. I know there will be years of me being cool, and fun, and the best cook ever (poor unknowing soul, haha) but I dread the day when she would rather talk to her friend than her Mom. Am I ridiculous or what? I am literally crying while I type this. Stupid emotional cow. LOL.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Updates on Kiki

On July 12th I will be getting induced, providing Isabella does not make her appearance on her own before that. That is only 36 short days away! Holy crap! Don't get me wrong I can't wait to meet her, and I can't wait to not be in pain anymore, but seriously... this shit is REAL! LOL. In reality I know it has been all along, but now its coming down to the crunch time. It's really going to happen... and its going to be sooner rather than later. I am going to be in some serious pain very soon. Whether it be ripping vaginal pain or lower abdominal incisional pain... there is no way around it. She's coming out, and it is not going to tickle. But even though I haven't actually even met her yet, I already love her and know that is is worth it any pain that's coming my way. I compare this in a way to when you're getting something waxed and the beautician sticks that warm stuff on your skin and attaches the paper to it. Well, you can't walk around with that thing on for the rest of your life. You have officially hit the point of no return. So even though you knowingly walked into the salon requesting this be done... you still think "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkk..." in those moments before she holds your skin taut and RIP! off it comes. But the funny thing is the labor should really be the least of my worries. After that's done, I have a brand new infant who is solely dependent on her father and me. I am a nurse, so I know how to not kill people, (thank sweet baby Jesus) I just hope I don't screw her up in some way. Whenever I make comments on facebook about my concerns people sound pretty convinced that I will indeed not kill or maim my baby. The reassurance is nice. But no matter what people tell me, I am sure I am going to worry. I mean, how can you be a first time parent and NOT worry? It's the biggest, most important job you ever have... I hope that apprehension is a sign of taking it seriously.
I keep having dreams about her. Usually its a baby whose face I do not see, but I dream about holding her. I've had a few labor dreams too, where I go to the bathroom and see blood and know that I am ready to have her, but the pain hasn't started yet. Kinda funny that my brain is not filling out the blanks for me. You'd think my subconscious would try to answer the questions in my mind. Instead it is reiterating to me the things I do not know yet. Like, yep, there is a baby in there. And we don't know what she looks like. And yep, you're gonna have labor pains. But I can't tell you what its going to feel like.
We are just about done preparing for her arrival. This past week we have rearranged the computer room to fit a twin sized bed in there for when our Moms come to visit. We also got the house sprayed for bugs (again) because apparently there is a big flea and tick problem here (yuck) and I don't want to deal with it. So they sprayed the house inside and out. Bear and Harvey are on a pill called comfortis that kills fleas that they take monthly like the heartworm medicine. They are also sporting some new flea and tick collars AND are getting another flea bath on Wednesday. I don't think they have fleas but I also don't want to later discover that I was wrong. The baby's furniture is all put together, clothes are washed, dried, folded and put away, and today I will be cleaning and making her bed. I know her mattress is clean because it is brand new, but it still has to be wiped down with some bleach wipes or else I won't quite be comfortable. I suppose this is all nesting? Now all that is left before she gets here is I would like to rent a carpet cleaner and give the carpet a good once over and get our cars detailed so they are clean for her ride home. Oh, and the birthing class on June 19th, and putting her carseat/stroller combo together soon. My Mommy bag and her diaper bag are both packed too, so we are pretty much ready to go.
We STILL don't have a middle name picked out. Aaron is too damn picky. I like Renee, Joy, Maria, Rose, Grace (but am trying not to steal family names) and Marley. I kinda like Eden and Gianna, too. Aaron hasn't been crazy about any of these, of course. He likes Christine. So do I, but we still aren't completely sold on it. Ugh. The kid HAS to have a full name before we take her home. So that is another thing we are working on.
Until she is born I have to have non-stress tests every Tuesday and Friday, just to make sure everything is OK. I also have weekly doctor appointments and will be having ultrasounds every 2 weeks to check my amniotic fluid index. If she has plenty of amniotic fluid then that is a sign that the placenta is functioning properly. Apparently women with gestational diabetes tend to have problems with the placentas "stroking out" as my doctor put it, and the babies "start dying toward the end of the pregnancy.". So needless to say, bring on the ultrasounds. :)
I am SO incredibly thankful that I could get pregnant, and this has been the best experience of my life, hands-down no doubt about it. But I am beginning to understand why women look forward to the pregnancy being over. I am swollen, my feet and pelvis are sore, I am tired, and I pee constantly.
Last night I think the baby was on my bladder, because I had to pee SO BADLY and it took forever to empty my bladder. I think I could have spit faster than the stream of urine I was able to produce. In the middle of it the stream actually stopped twice and then restarted. It was tortuous! LOL I woke up from falling asleep to TV on the couch, hobbled to the bathroom with only one eye open because I fell asleep in my contacts, and peed for what seemed like an eternity. It felt so unfair- there was SO much in there and my body was so reluctant to let it go. I leaned forward, backwards, sideways, all trying to move the baby off my bladder and let it out. No luck. And of course I didn't close the bathroom door because I was half awake and there was a sense of urgency, so I had to do all this while petting Bear. He loves it when we pet his butt, so I had to pat his ass while trying to relieve the discomfort. I am laughing out loud as I type this now because I can see the humor now that my bladder is empty and both eyes are open... but at the time it was bad sensory overload. LOL. It reminds me of something that might happen on "Everybody Loves Raymond".
I hear the couch calling me. It is time to get off this computer because my feet are swelling more as I sit here, and I feel crampy. Time to relax some more.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

What a couple of weeks!

I have meant to blog several times in the last few weeks and have just not found the time/motivation to do it. So much has gone on!
Last Saturday my real estate agent called me and told me that my mortgage lender was ready to go through the short sale, as long as I sign a $20,000 promissary note. I would have to pay it over the next 15 years. That money could be a college fund for Isabella, or buy the new car I need, or it could be well spent in day care, diapers, etc. It is just not an option to pay these people that kind of money in this kind of economy. So needless to say, I am currently exploring other options and have seen a lawyer. I have another appointment with him on Wednesday. This likely will not end well. That's probably all I will be willing to discuss in a blog due to the nature of the situation along with my very hurt pride.
This past Tuesday Aaron went to work, just like every other morning. At 6:00AM my phone rang, it was Aaron. He called and told me that his car was pretty much fucked, that he was driving behind a truck and something fell off the truck and hit his car. His car made it to the side of the road and then stopped right away. So, I called work and drove out to get him. When I got there I just about died. In my head I imagined a F-150. No, it was an 18 wheeler. Apparently the guy driving the truck had his breaks fixed the day before, but the asses who did it did not tighten any bolts. Four of the bolts holding the tires on were completely stripped, and he had 4 blown tires. And the thing that fell off this guy's truck was apparently a part of his break or rotor, was about a foot long and about 4 inches wide of pure metal. Thank God it went under his car and destroyed his motor rather than through his wind shield and ruined his skull. A distance of a few feet is probably what made the difference between life and death for him. Not even being over dramatic here, if that thing hit him in the face going 70 miles an hour, he would not have survived that. Good Lord. I wanted to fucking strangle the truck driver, even though it wasn't really his fault I guess. He should have been more apologetic. He should have been kissing our asses. Providing he is telling the truth and it was a shop that did his breaks I know there is no reason to really blame him... but it was his truck that could have killed Aaron. I wanted to take a baseball bat to his face.
On the bright side, Aaron is fine. On the bright side again, I put rental coverage on Aaron's car insurance policy about a month ago... and thank God I did. He has had the rental since Tuesday, which we would have not been able to afford otherwise. I don't know if they have even started working on the car. State Farm is not sending an estimator out there to look at it until probably tomorrow. Not going to work is not an option for him, neither is it for me to not to go to work. Since we have no one here to depend on, I am glad we spent the few extra bucks per month on the insurance. I HATE not having friends or family here to depend on when shit hits the fan. But I digress, that is a whole different paragraph all together.
We have been calling our landlord for the last three week days in a row asking him to send someone over to look at the house. It was very poorly built and flies are able to crawl in and out at their convenience through our shitty, cheap, substandard windows. With a baby coming in 8-9 weeks, I am not cool with flies. Well I am not anyway, but I swear I am going to have a shit fit if I find a fly on my baby's bottle or binky. But I am sick of his bullshit and empty promises, so last night I went and bought caulk for the windows and door sealant for the uneven, shitty, substandard doors. It cost about $27, and I think I will subtract that amount from my next rent check and include the receipt in the envelope to give him the proof. Id that too ballsy? I think not. I think I am sick of this damn house. I think I am sick of asking for things and not getting them. I am sick of being fucked with. I definitely feel like a ticking time bomb over here.
The day after Aaron's car incident he was putting together and baby's bedroom furniture and hurt his back. So there the nursery is, filled with boxes, wood and other crap and most definitely NOT ready for an infant. It is stressing me the hell out! I want the room done! My baby deserves to have her room pretty and ready for her and there is nothing I can do about it. Aaron is working nights this month and is done about 12 hours for each shift he works. Damnit.
Between the car and the house(old house AND new house... PS there are several details I left out of this blog regarding the old house situation because I don't know exactly who reads this and who doesn't... ) I have been under a large amount of stress. Which brings me to the next dilemma. Since there is no explanation why it happened I am wondering if the stress has brought it on. This past weekend we have had storms, including some hail. Aaron called me at about 2AM and told me to pull my car into the car port so my car did not get hit with hail if we had any. So I went out there quickly, half running because it was drizzling and only one contact was working (fell asleep in them again) and I couldn't really be on snake/tarantula lookout. (They may not be in my yard, but I do NOT want to risk it. YUCK.) I pulled my car up and went inside to go back to sleep. I made a pit-stop at the bathroom and noticed a spot of bright red blood. It was about the size of the tip of my pinky finger. So no it was not big but it was enough to scare me. So I called the OB department at the hospital where I worked and they told me to come in. I was there for a couple hours and they sent me home saying everything was fine and they don't know what the bleeding was from. But I was not in labor, having had no contractions in the 2 hours I was on the monitor. The baby looked fine, I was fine besides being a little dehydrated. I had no ketones in my urine, which is good because ever since the gestational diabetes started I have had ketones. So hopefully that means I am on the road to having more controlled sugars and will stop losing weight. (So far I have lost 8-10 pounds, which the doctors are not happy about.)
On top of all this, the homesickness is just as bad now as it was when we first got here. It is not getting easier. Sometimes I think it is getting harder. Every time my tummy moves and no one is there to see it or feel it, it reminds me we are here alone and have no support system. When Isabella is born she is not going to know her family. She won't recognize her own grandparents when she sees them, not to mention her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It breaks my heart. I blame part of the reason why I am not as close to my family up in Michigan to being in England for the first few years, so no one was able to bond with me as an infant. All the other cousins were born and raised up there, and they are all closer to each other than I am. Don't get me wrong, we all love each other, I just didn't grow up up there and there is a difference. I don't want her to miss out like I did because she is so far away from her family, too. I feel like it is starting to affect me. I feel myself pulling away from potential social situations, which kinda scares me. Being a nurse I know the signs to watch out for regarding depression and I sometimes wonder if that is starting to happen to me. I have no idea how it couldn't really... I am isolated most of the time. I rarely see Aaron, and I never see any one else unless I am at work. And I am not particularly close to any of them. They are nice, but they are not my people. It's too different here. I want to go home. I can't say that enough.
I was on the phone with a very close friend tonight who was telling me about how it was so hard for her to juggle all the things she wants to do in her weekends, and how there is not enough time in the day to do all the social things she wants to do. I found it incredibly hard to feel sorry for her. Telling me that is like complaining to a starving person that you burnt the roof of your mouth on your sandwich. Oh, poor thing has so many fun things to do that there is not enough time to do them all. The highlight of my weekend was putting clothes on and going to Wal-Mart. I am not kidding. Well that and seeing Aaron and sitting with him for that half hour before he goes to sleep. That's when I get to cook for him. Yay. Not that I don't want my friend to tell me about her life, but damn. lol. I do want to hear about it. But hearing about all the fun people are having without us just makes me feel forgotten. But I wouldn't want people to not do things because we're not there. I don't know... I can't explain it. All I know is it is probably a lot of selfishness and self pity on my part. But at least I can admit it. I make no promises that it will change. Not till we come home again.
OK reading what I wrote is actually making me feel worse so I am going to quit while I am ahead! lol. I have to be at work at 5:45.... so I better get ready for bed.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What's been going on

These last couple weeks have been very busy. The days were filled with preparation of going to Michigan for our first visit home since we moved, as well as doctor's appointments, Aaron's car breaking down and trying to find someone in Uvalde who knows what to do with a Mazda, so on and so forth. It was busy, fun, and now wholly depressing since we are back home now and back to the regular grind. I am SO SICK of being ALONE. I miss my husband and our friends and family! Being in a house by myself is NOT how I like to spend my time. I am too social for this life I have now! People tell expectant couples to "live it up" before the baby gets here... but I would like to know how the hell I am supposed to do that when I am in a little town where I only know my co-workers, and they have full lives without extra time to entertain my sorry ass? In addition to this, Aaron and I rarely get to see each other. I cried more about that on our way back to Texas than I did about leaving everybody. The thought of coming back to this empty house while Aaron works just broke my heart. People might think "Oh well go out and make some friends!" Well that would be easier if there was somewhere to go to do that, or if the people in my town and I could both be fluent in the same language. It's not always the case. (Granted yes most young people to my knowledge are bilingual or just speak English...) I want our friends. Our families. I don't want to substitute for other peoples' friends and families. Granted the few friends we have here are great, I am not referring to them. Anyway... I could go on bitching about this for hours. I refuse to call Texas "home" because there is no way that home should be this unhappy. If I talk about home, you can assume I am talking about Michigan. If I talk about where I am now, or where I currently work, sleep, etc., that is Texas. I have tried to be positive, no I am not talking myself out of being comfortable here, no it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you think that it's just because you haven't been here yet! I wanna go HOME. Yes my job and house here are OK... but it's not home. I could have a mansion here and feel just as bad because there is no one to share it with. :(
Anyway... so more fun stuff, on April 20th I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. Yay! A day before I start my vacation I learn I get to poke myself with a needle 4+ times a day AND will likely be on insulin! Waa-Hoo! Throw in only having one car, sitting outside waiting for my husband who got stuck in traffic on his way home from work to pick me and and me ultimately calling a co-worker to pick me up while weeping like a crazy woman, it was a great day. Fabulous. But on the bright side, getting my equipment was pretty easy, 100% free thanks to my insurance, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. I made Aaron poke my finger for the first time, but after that I do it and its fine. I mean, I don't like it, but I will live. My numbers are high... fasting blood sugar should be less than 110 and this morning it was 133... even after a diabetic diet dinner (shit) but at least I am aware of it and am trying very hard (most of the time) to make the right decisions. It's not easy. I bought all this healthy crap yesterday after seeing the dietician. Basically the more fiber I have in my diet the more even my glucose will be. So I bought hippie wheat bread that has 5 grams of fiber per slice in it. It smells like wood, no joke. Opening the bag in the morning to make toast reminds me of being in shop class. But, no splinters yet so I will continue to eat it. She wants me to drink 24 ounces of milk a day which sounds LOVELY... I will happily oblige. Anything that is not water makes me happy!
Well I will blog more later, I have to get in the shower and get ready for my 11:20 OB appt. I have to shave and stuff. Since I am officially in my 3rd trimester I don't know what to expect. But I should at least be prepared in case he has to check my cervix. Ugh I hope not as he is a co-worker... LOL I don't know why I am worried about him checking my cervix when 1. he has already given me a pelvic exam and 2. he will be delivering my child and I will likely shit on his shoes. Ah well. The less amount of times he has to look at my genitals the happier I am.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Just some random thoughts.

I was listening to my ipod a few days ago and a Marilyn Manson (love!!!) song came on, so I blasted it as loud as my ears could handle. It reminded me of driving to one of my high risk appointments in San Antonio. I found a radio station there that literally played one ass-kicking song after another, and I was BLARING it with the windows down. For a few minutes I didn't think about home, or being sad, or anything negative. I was just loving it! But I kinda giggled to myself when I got out of the car in case anyone happened to be watching. Out of the car with the blaring heavy metal comes an obviously pregnant woman waddling to her doctors appointment. hahaha. I bet it looked amusing.
Then I thought about it. When I have the baby, I won't be able to blare the music when we are driving together, it'll frighten her. Then for a brief moment I *slightly* mourned the loss of that part of my life. I know I will get it back again one day. I know it sounds and is trivial, but lately my jollies are few and far between. In Uvalde we really don't get a radio station that isn't Tejano or static 50% of the time. So when I actually get a radio station that doesn't play crap AND that plays songs I like, I like to play it loud. :) Obviously having my baby and not scarring her for life is worth not playing the radio loud (I am not 15 anymore, lol) but it did make me realize (again) that I will have to lose/neglect certain parts of my personality in order to cultivate another. But I already know that it will be well worth it. Even admitting this makes me feel selfish and horrible. But I guess it's better to realize the limitations of the life I am about to embark on now than to learn because I did something bad, right?
And I am sure that the Wiggles will be JUST as gratifying as the Lest We Forget CD. :)
On a completely different note... I went to Church today for the first time in well over a year. (Bad me.) But hey I went and I enjoyed it. It's an Episcopalian Church that is less than a mile from my house. It was so similar to the Church we were married in back home that it almost made me teary eyed! But I had a good time. Aaron is not a churh-goer, so I did go by myself, but I met my co-worker Shanna and her family there. They were all very nice. It was a good experience and I hope to go back again soon and try to go regularly.
After Eucharist we sat down while the rest of the people went up and we sat in the pews and had some quiet/prayer time. They started playing a song and the first few motes of it sounded like "What if God was one of us?" by Joan Osborne and I almost lost it! It took almost everything in me not to LMAO!!! :)
OK well I am going to attempt to do house work, but more than likely will end up watching TV. Hope you all have a great Easter!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The movies I have seen today.

Aaron and I got Netflix this week. It is awesome. For $11 a month we can rent one DVD at a time to be delivered to our house and we can watch as many movies as we want on our PS3. This includes Blue Ray movies. Great deal, right? I recommend everyone gets it. It's way cheaper than going to Blockbuster, or even the RedBox if you're forgetful like me. Also, the selection on Netflix is like nothing you've seen before. Blockbuster and Redbox have next to nothing compared to Netflix.
Today I watched a couple of the movies that I know Aaron is not interested in, because he was at work all day. So first I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. That was gut wrenching. Poor little boys. Hell, poor every single person in that camp. I know this movie was fictional, but I am sure parts of it were accurate, like the way the nazis treat the Jews. Horrible. I can't understand how one man can turn a whole country into hating machines.... Wow. It is sickening. After I watched the movie I did a little research online and one person wrote that it wasn't as shocking to see the humans' ability to hate as much as the humans' ability to be indifferent. How true! You could smell the burning of the dead's bodies for miles, people were ran out of their houses, beaten, starved, shot for no reason, and people were capable of pretending they didn't see that?! I understand that any resistance to the "final solution" or lack of loyalty to the government could earn you a spot in a concentration camp too, but damn. I think I would just leave the damn country and never go back. When I think of stuff like that kind of cruelty, it seems like it should have taken place hundreds of years ago. But no, that happened in the 30's and 40's. My grandparents were alive when that happened. They probably heard about it on the radio. Especially my grandparents in England, since they were so much closer than the American grandparents. That's an assumption, I could be wrong. But going on how little the American media talks about what's going on in the Sudan today, I would assume the American media has always had a tendency to focus on American based issues more than global issues. If I want world news, I watch the BBC. Sad, huh? I am not a huge news buff by any means, but in the morning when I am getting ready for work on Channel 12 in San Antonio they don't seem to talk about anything outside of Bexar County. But if I watch BBC, I hear about global issues. Like I said, no expert over here but that's my experience.
The other movie I watched today was the Stoning of Soraya M. Wow, talk about assuming that kind of stuff happened hundreds of years ago. My Lord. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am to be an American woman. If I lived in Iran or another country like that (that practices stoning) I probably would have been dead long ago. I can't wrap my head around the fact that women are really, seriously seen as inferior in other places of the world. I guess that just shows how naive I truly am. I probably have no friggin clue what its like to actually suffer. Well thank God for that.
I wanted to put something on here that I got from The Global Campaign to Stop Killing and Stoning Women.
"In the Iranian Penal Code, a married woman has no right to divorce, a privilege which is reserved for the husband. Women have no custody rights of their children after age seven; as a result, women who can obtain a divorce by proving their husbands are either abusive or an addict, choose not to do so fearing the loss of their children. A man can marry up to four wives simultaneously, and may establish a sexual relationship with any other single woman through a temporary marriage without the requirements of marriage registration, ceremony, or obligation to any possible child that may result. In addition, a woman is legally obliged to submit to her husband’s sexual demands and do her best to satisfy him sexually. Hence if a man is sexually unsatisfied or in an unhappy relationship, he has many avenues open to him to dissolve the marriage and/or satisfy his sexual needs in a temporary “marriage”. However, these legal options are denied to Iranian women, and a woman seeking alternative intimate relationships is, in the eyes of the law, “committing adultery”. "
I have three words to say about this: Oh. Hell. No.

All I know is I am SO thankful to be who and where I am today. Compared to those movies I saw today it could be SO much worse than I could ever ever ever imagine. I need to quit my bitching and be a little more appreciative.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The things people say...

Today I was at work taking a well needed rest because I had been on my feet since I got there at 6:45, and it was about 10:45AM. Usually we are slow but I had a patient getting a blood transfusion and I am super cautious when I give blood, so it took a lot of my time.
I was saying how yesterday I worked all day, came home and fed the dogs, went to the post office, spent an hour at Wal-Mart, came home, put the groceries away, cooked dinner and did dishes. I was going from about 6:30AM-6:30PM. In addition to having had a busy day, I am 22 weeks pregnant. I was tired!
I was saying this in our work area where several co-workers were, and one my co-workers informed me that "If you did what I do, you wouldn't be able to handle it." This is the same one who kept informing me in the beginning of my pregnancy that "it was going to be a long pregnancy" and rolling her eyes in disgust at me because I was tired. I have held my tongue for long enough. I am getting pissed now. So I told her that "Well, I guess it's just because I am not as cool as you." A nursing student laughed, and she said "Well, it's not that...I just live in the country, and blah blah blah" and I said "Yeah well that's why I don't live in the country. I don't DO outside." She is usually a nice lady but has no problem saying whats on her mind, and sometimes I think she says it before her mind has a chance to censor it. I think she could tell that she pissed me off, because the rest of the day she was ridiculously nice to me. Well I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you kinda put me in this position in the first place. If I am made to feel the need to defend myself, damnit I am going to! So I did!
Not even a half hour later, I was trying to squeeze my pregnant (and fat) ass in between a woman's (who I really do like) chair and a counter so I can get to the fridge and get another patient of mine some crackers. I said "Oh wow, this belly is taking up a lot of room." She found it necessary to tell me that "Well, you took up a lot of room before..." Really. You said that, huh. OK. Let it be known I NEVER EVER EVER make sure to tell people I know (or don't for that matter) that they are fat. Because I am no longer 6 years old, and that part of my brain that recognizes "rude things to say" and "polite things to say" developed. (Saying this reminds me of the time my Mom and Dad took my brother and me to Old Country Buffet and Brent said, pointing "Hey look at that BIG FAT GUY!!!" Yeah, I don't do that. But I digress...)
Later, when I was in the staff lounge at about 1:00PM eating lunch, our housekeeper and I were talking and she was giving me her point of view on how some people treat her as if she is inferior because she is a housekeeper, and that this is one of the reasons why she is going to school... so she doesn't have to clean up after people like that anymore. I have never treat her like that, we get along well, and I don't understand why someone would be like that. But anyhow... toward the end of the conversation she said to me "Well you and I are the two most imperfect people here, so you understand what I mean..." or something to that effect. I smile and say some socially acceptable response like "Uh-huh" or something like that... but on the inside I am thinking WTF do you people think I AM??!?!?!!! I never realized people had such shitty opinions about me! Before today I didn't realize I am seen as a lazy, fat leper! How funny, I had no idea. All this time I thought I was fucking fabulous... only to find out that indeed I am seen as the opposite of this. OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Oh, AND in the 5 months and 11 days I have lived here I have now been pulled over twice and got a parking ticket for blocking the sidewalk in the front of my house, which was written at 1:45 IN THE MORNING. I need to get back to Detroit, where there is real shit going on and no one cares if I am going 38 in a 30, even though I am approximately 500 feet ahead of the sign that says SPEED LIMIT 35 MPH. By the way, the cop that pulled me over pulled a U turn on the street, he was previously going about 35 mph himself, all just to give me a written warning and inform me of where EXACTLY the speed limit turns from 30 to 35. Seriously? Really? We live in a town where there are DEFINITELY illegal aliens, drug dealers (being so close to the border, of course it's ALL OVER) and KNOWN murderers (from what I am told) and you want to pull over a pregnant nurse on her way to work at 6:45 in the morning TWICE within about 3 months AND ticket me. OK, it all makes sense now. I am a threat to society. With my border patrol husband, my frightening self, and our paid on time bills, I am dangerous. Well, I MUST be since they are so concerned with me and not with the other criminals in town. Hey at least I know. :/
Well, having said that I am going to get ready for bed. I have a busy day of threatening the well-being of all in my town while I drive to work tomorrow and tormenting my co-workers with my lazy, fat hideous self. I need to get out of here.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Name Game.

I have been thinking about middle names for the baby. With a long first name like Isabella and a three syllable last name, I think the middle name should be a one syllable name so its not overkill. Maybe a two syllable name if its a short name, like for example Renee.
So I would like some suggestions on middle names. Here are the ones I think sound good with Isabella.

-Jean (my American grandma's middle name) (Oh and PS my English Grandma's name is Mary Isabel so Isabella is practically a tribute! And that's awesome because she is the sweetest little soul to ever live.) I like this one but it is not my favorite and I think Aaron said no... but whateva.
-Grace (I love this one but it's our niece's middle name. We should't name thieve like that.)
-Taylor (My Mom's maiden name.)
-Renee (this is one of my oldest and best friend's daughter's middle name and she is a wonderful kid. So that would be cool too. :) )

People like to suggest things like Marie, Maria, Ann, etc. and those are so not me! There's nothing wrong with them, I just don't want to use them.
I was thinking it would be cool to give the baby's middle name a Texas influence... so I looked up the names of wild flowers that are indigenous to Texas. They were either long names or things that sounded ugly like Spiderwort or Rosinweed. OK, I kinda liked Primrose a little bit.... but it's weird and too long. Then I thought of Star, since this is the Lone Star State. But is that too hippy? Or does it sound like a hooker/stripper name? That is SOOO not the kind of name I am going for. I'm trying to think of a baby name, not a stage name!

This child sure does love my cervix. Feels like she is trying to kick or dig her way out. Sometimes it's a cute little reminder of her existence, and sometimes I feel like she is mad at me. Seriously child, why are you doing this to me? That is a sensitive place to be harshly prodded, from either direction. lol. It made me laugh today because it was like she was working out, about 12-15 kicks within a minute or two, then nothing. Nothing from her for an hour or two. Then she'll give the occasional nudge. Is that how all fetuses are? Or is mine a weirdo? Usually once a day I have a few minutes of hyper child, and then the rest of the day is occasional nudges, bumps etc. Either way, even if it hurts, I love it!
OK I feel like poo so I am going to lie down. Having stomach cramps like my body is trying to work on a barf. NOT cool. Now I feel a little hot and sweaty and have done absolutely nothing to feel this way. Great. Here's hoping its just from my guts being rearranged by the uterus and nothing more sinister. I don't have the PTO for sinister viruses.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Newest thoughts...

My latest facebook update was "Only 1 year, 2 months and 6 days till we can request a transfer back home. :) Is it bad that I am starting the countdown now?" I put this up here because I just went on looking for rental homes in Belleville and Livonia. It scared me that the house I liked the most in Livonia in our price range wants a credit score/before they will consider you for the house. Don't these people get that the reason a lot of us are renting is because we had to lose our first house? Ugh. I have a feeling this is going to haunt me for a long time.
Aaron told me this weekend that his 2 years of service he has to put in before he can request a transfer started May 23, 2009 (when he started training) and NOT October 19, which was his first day on the job in Carizzo Springs. I was ELATED!! That (hopefully!) cuts 5 months off this sentence we have here! He could not have told me this news at a better time. It was a Sunday and we decided to go out to lunch, and I barely even wanted to go. The sadness of being here was getting to me. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and just stare at the wall. So instead of having 19 months now there are only 14. It's still a long time but it was a relief when I really needed it. It makes it seem easier to be here. :) But this is no guarantee... it only means he can request a transfer, it doesn't mean he'll get it. But there's hope. Turns out there are 4 places in Michigan in which he could potentially get transferred. Listed in order of my preference they are:
1. Detroit.
2. Port Huron.
3. Gibraltar.
4. Sault St. Marie. (I hope I spelled this right!)
Random thought here... I renewed my nursing license for the state of Michigan today. It lasts 2 years only, but I hope to be back in Michigan by then.
I want sooooo much to be able to go home. I know these blogs must seem like a broken record. But seriously if it doesn't have to do with going home back to my friends and family or Izzie, I am probably not thinking about it.
Rather than continue to battle with my wonderful yet not very um... house work friendly husband, I put an ad on today looking for help with yard work and a housekeeper. I am offering $10/hr for the housekeeper and $15-20 per visit for the yard work. Does that seem fair?
OK even though I am not tired I need to do the dishes and get ready for bed.
Shit. Forgot to cook Aaron's dinner. Must go. :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Evil woman.

I think they wrote this about me.
What I wouldn't give right now for a large glass of red wine, a cigarette and maybe an Ativan. I feel like I am going crazy! I am not even going to get into what pissed me off so bad because 1. I am so sick of dwelling on it, but I have no life so I have TONS of time to think about it. and 2. it would just be rude to the party involved because I am having a hard time censoring myself.
All I know is pregnancy makes me a bitch. I think I might start wearing a shirt to warn all who come near. And maybe instead of getting a sign on my fence that says "Screw the dogs, beware of the crazy bitch in the house!" I could literally, very literally, beat the shit out of someone with a shovel right now. I am sure this is not healthy, and most definitely not Christian of me. But Good God. To those of you who have been pregnant, you probably understand. To those of you who will be pregnant, beware. To those of you who have impregnated someone, may God be with you. If your woman is anything like me, just 1. do as you're f*cking told, 2. invest in a good helmet and 3. do as you are damn well told, just in case you missed it the first time.
This might seriously be an only child here in my womb. I hope I forget all about this craziness and convince myself to do it one more time.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Little Mommy... the old version and my version

Yesterday I was at our local grocery store getting some stuff and I (of course) went through their limited baby stuff. I have decided that with every paycheck I am going to pick up the baby a little something so when she is here there will be (hopefully...) less stuff to stress about financially. At least for a few minutes. So far I have just gotten some body wash, a pack of diapers and a nose aspirator... but hey it's a start! I still have 20 more weeks to get stuff! But so far besides that, a few books, a couple toys and a laundry basket the poor child has nothing. The room still has boxes in it. We need to get a move on!
Anyhow, so I see the childrens' books and stop. The first one I see is a cute little Golden Book called Little Mommy. It starts off cute as a button. "This is my house and I am the mommy. My children are Annabelle, Betsy and Bonny. They are good little children and do just as I say. I put on their coats and they go out to play. (This is the bullshit part here...) Billy is daddy; he works in the city. He has a new car, isn't is pretty?" Those are the first few pages. It goes on and on about how this Little Mommy cooks and cleans all day. "I do the dishes and sweep the floor and wipe fingerprints off the door." It basically teaches female children that girls cook and clean and take care of children while the man works. Oh. Hell. No. Decades of women have not fought for equal rights for me to buy this shit book in 2010! I would like to rewrite the book. Ahem..
My name is Mary, and this is my condo. In the garage you can see my new Honda (close enough shut up this is impromptu!)
I am not married, I do not need a man, but if I change my mind I know I can.
This is my 10th floor corner office for all to see, and above my desk is my college degree.
After work sometimes I go to the martini bar but if I decide I don't want to the gym is not far.
I love my condo with a view of the city. This is my pool boy, isn't he pretty?
Lovely to look at, not much to say. I sip my mimosa while he works away...
I didn't settle, and I answer to no man. Instead of my dishes, I work on my tan.
Loving my life, I might marry one day. Until the right one comes along I'll continue to play.
If the day comes when I will be wed, I will have some things to be said.
I will not pick your dirty socks off the floor. I work too, do your own chores.
My job is JUST as important as yours. And don't let me catch you flirting with whores.
You have no idea how lucky you are, to have a woman with a career, job, brain AND a car.
And if perhaps you forget, on your ass you must go. When it comes to that shit, the only answer is NO.

I swear to GOD if I receive that book as a gift for my daughter she will never so much as see it. I will print off what I just wrote and read it to her first. If she wants to be a stay at home Mom, that's great and honorable. Stay at home Moms work their asses off, non-stop, for no pay and it is hard, and probably very rewarding all at the same time. Hell, I wouldn't mind doing it now. However, I don't want my child to read this patriarchal bullshit thinking she needs to find a Prince Charming, or that she has no other options other than to be a mother and wife. I was told often as a child that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be and that being a girl had nothing to do with what I could and could not achieve. My mother also taught me very young to never be in a situation where I had to depend on someone else. She would say to me, "Andrea, never depend on..." and I would say "a man". She learned the hard way, and Thank God we both refused to let that happen to me.
Well I am surprised to see that this blog went from a baby shopping experience to a bra burning feminist pow-wow! LOL. I never considered myself a feminist... maybe I just learned something about myself?
Anywho, I am coming down with a cold and need to go to bed. Hope you enjoyed my first Golden Book that I wrote. Maybe I should look into writing empowering childrens' books for the children of feminists? LMAO!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Lonely Friday Night...

Came home from work today after a busy week at work... with nothing to do. Nothing to do to unwind. No social outlets. Aaron is at work and won't be home until 9PM at the earliest. I watched all the good shows on the DVR already. I should be cleaning the house or something but I want to relax because I have been tired all day and my ankles are a little swollen. My options are looking a little crappy.
If I were in Michigan I would be talking to one of my friends on the phone, likely making plans to go to someone's house, or have someone over for a little while. Not much, but its something. And its a hell of a lot more than I am doing here. I feel so lonely here. Apart from Shanna at work I have no real friends here. :( While Shanna is very nice and we get along great, we both have husbands, she has a 4 year old son and one on the way. She's busy. And I know I will be soon enough too. I just hate feeling like there is no real support for us out here. Aaron has no friends to speak of here either. We miss our friends. I would KILL to go over to a friend's house and sit in their smokey basement, play poker and listen to the radio. All that time I took it for granted assuming I would always have that. Sigh.
I am SO happy that my little one will be here in just a few months, and I am very happily married to a wonderful man. I know I am lucky. But can it seriously be too much to ask for to take my baby, husband and dogs and go back home WITH our nice jobs? Must I really live 1600 miles away in order to make it? We're financially making it now, and thank God for that. But in other ways like socially, and to an extent emotionally we're drowning out here. My child is going to grow up not understanding what friends are because she's never going to see us with any. :(
I used to think that I could never miss any place like I miss England. I love shopping in the streets of Durham, and I love looking at the sheep on the green hills in Esh Winning. It's beautiful there. I love the food, and the TV shows, even silly things like candy bars and drinks that you can't get in the States make me miss it. Sometimes when I think of it I get a passing heart flutter and then it sinks just a little, because I want to be there so bad and I know I can't. I think of my family there and miss them all so much. I often wonder if I will see my Grandma again before she passes away (she is 94 after all...). But then I think of home and it blows it out of the water. Yep. The stupid ass commute to the the University of Michigan, and the horrible parking situation there, the assholes on the roads that can't drive, the rude people and their 37 children at Wal-Mart (they are here too, I am just thinking of the Wal-Mart by my old house.), Vernors, Olga's Kitchen, Mini Eggs, 95.5 (the radio stations here are SHIT), restaurants other than fucking MEXICAN, cold weather (no I still don't miss snow but I am willing to live in a fucking Igloo if that means I can come home...), bonfires and a Labatt Blue with good friends... I can go on and on and on... This is more than a little heart flutter and sink. This is a heart ache and crash. I hope it gets better when I am back to my normal amount of hormones. And if you notice that a lot of this has to do with food just keep in mind this is a blubbering pregnant woman here and really I would do without the food for some HUMAN INTERACTION.
I just want to go home. I miss my family and friends. So much more than any of you realize. This fucking sucks all day long and I want to go back!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Funny Texans

One day this week while sitting at work my co-workers and I were talking about our favorite way to eat chili. (I know, exciting.) Apparently people down here put Fritos in their chili and top it with cheese and call it Frito Pie. Sounds yummy, huh? They will even sell it at football games by opening a small individual sized bag of Fritos and pour some chili on it. Yum. I need to go to a football game down here. :)
The day after we talked about this, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to tell them all how damn funny their accents are. When they say Frito Pie it sounds like "Free-TOE Pah". LMAO!
My friend Shanna kept repeating it because she couldn't hear it in her voice. After telling her that her accent is not that strong at all, our co-worker Donna walks into the room and sits down. I whisper to Shanna to ask Donna to say Frito Pie because she has a THICK accent. What does she say? Free-TOE Pah. She and I both about fall out of our chairs laughing our asses off! Maybe it's not funny to read but MAN do I wish you could have been there to see it and hear it for yourself. :)
I work with another woman named Dana, whose accent is SO strong that sometimes I mistake what she is saying for something else. For example, when she would call our co-worker Wayne it would sound like she is saying "wine". LOL
When I (finally) get to come home I am pretty sure I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it here at least a teeny bit. The people here are cracking me up! I work with a little lady named Bennie, who is in her early 60's and I swear she makes me look old. She was telling us a story about how she caught a rooster to give to one of our general surgeons, Dr. Watkins the night before. Yes, she had a rooster in the back of her truck to give to the doctor. And that doctor wears cowboy boots to work. And BIG belt buckles from rodeos. :) I swear to you Michiganders it is a different world out here! But not always bad. Don't get me wrong, I would leave in a heartbeat to come home because I am SO homesick, but the people are so incredibly nice.
OK, gotta go. Off to the fish fry at the local Knights of Columbus Hall. We might not be good southern folk but we can pretend. :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cletus Update

As of Friday I am 18 weeks pregnant. I feel fine apart from the occasional (weekly) headache (which I desperately try in vain to keep as a headache and not progress to a migraine) and getting more tired again. I assume the fatigue is due to my hemoglobin dropping. At my last blood draw on Feb. 3rd I am down to 8.6. Dr. White said he wants to keep me above 8. I think it is probably lower than that now because in the last week or so I am more tired than I have been. It feels like my first trimester again. People always say how good you're supposed to feel around this time. I think you're all liars! haha. Just kidding. But seriously, since my second trimester started I have felt worse. Oh well. 22 short weeks and this is all history anyway!
The most exciting part of the story is this... I was sitting at work yesterday and I felt (what I believe to be) the baby kick for the first time! I felt something that I would compare to little fingertips (not the baby's, that would be creepy. lol.) very gently tickling the inside of my tummy. It was over almost as quickly as it begun, but it was definitely there. I have had a couple confirmation tickles today as well. So either I have a wonderful, growing baby or a HORRIBLE case of worms. LOL.
Feeling Cletus move makes this even MORE real now. Not that is wasn't before, but now there is an actual reason behind the ever growing gut. I don't just feel fatter anymore. I feel like there really IS someone in there. It's making me do a lot of thinking too.
1. It's crazy that you can begin to love someone before you ever even know them. I feel so privileged that I get to know this person from the beginning, before anyone else gets to know it. When the world sees my baby for the first time with their eyes, they are seeing someone I have known for months. What an advantage a mother has when compared to the rest of the world!
2. I worry that I am going to be a crappy mother. Waiting for baby to get here is like waiting to meet your new boss. You hope it goes well from the start and that there is no awkwardness. Although I am sure there will be much awkwardness because this is me we are talking about here. :)
3. Even though this little person will come out completely defenseless and dependent on Aaron and me, how come I am a little scared of it? I know I must sound like such a loser but I am a little scared. Both of our lives are completely at each others mercy. Cletus will eat when and if we feed her/him (which is a horrible thought, as if I would anything other than what's best for her/him) and I will sleep when and if Cletus feels like sleeping.
Well I am done writing for now. I want to go lay back down on the couch. I only feel the baby when I am very still. And nothing in the whole world is cooler than that little feeling. :)

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Things that are pissing me off Volume #2.

Sorry. I have nothing better to do but clean my house or blog. And my back hurts too bad to clean. Sooo....

The Real Housewives of Orange County:
Seeing as how I have no life and it was on because I missed Top Chef (which is good, BTW... saw it for the first time today.) I decided to watch this abomination of a TV show. I learned that money does NOT make the man or woman. All they are is a bunch of petty poor little rich girls that gossip and bitch. It was painful. I almost had to change the channel when their ignorant daughters were talking... all the "ums" and "likes" were burning my brain. I am sure at least one of their parents has to be smart, like their father who probably works his ass off to put those little brats in their Gucci this and Prada that... but you wouldn't be able to tell any of them are smart because they can't parent a child worth a damn. The episode I watched, they had a "Youthologist" come to talk to their "challenging" daughter. Well I think I am going to move to California or wherever the hell these idiots live and be an "Assholologist" to help people that are Assholes become more normal, less irritating people. I am pretty sure that chimps are better parents than these people. I don't care if I am middle class, or lower middle class, or whatever I would be considered, I would MUCH rather live paycheck to paycheck than be as embarrassingly materialistic and painfully dumb as these people are. I can't believe our society flaunts our stupidity by putting people like this on TV. Why can't we have a reality show about people who live in reality? What about teaching Americans about the brave men and women who are currently doing a tour in Afghanistan, or the struggles that middle school teachers face? If it is possible for me to lose more respect for the media, then it just happened.

MORE unsolicited advice about pregnancy! MORE!!! No Cassie not you! :)
There are people at work who just can't help themselves. One saw me walking down the hall with a Coke and said "You can't have that... the Baby..." In a word, BITCHYESIFUCKINGCAN. Here is my proof. And anyone with eyes can read a can of Coke and see that it has 34 mg of caffeine per 12 ounce serving. Yes, I try to have only 1 can of Coke per day. Sometimes I slip and have 2. And if I have a Excedrin tension headache I make sure to not have any Coke because it has a lot of caffeine in it. Let's look at it like this: I quit smoking, I don't come within 3 feet of any alcohol, I avoid artificial sweeteners like the plague, I don't eat soft cheese or lunch meat even though I would love to, I avoid taking even Tylenol even though I am in enough pain daily to make me cry (even though it is safe for the baby I figure it's safer not to)... I KNOW WHAT I CAN AND CAN NOT HAVE AND IF I DON'T KNOW I WILL ASK. Before I got cheese at the deli I made sure it was Pasteurized or else I wouldn't even buy it! Lay OFF me people!!!
Someone also told me that if I sit too much when I am pregnant the baby will have a cone head. *Sigh*. Now, correct me if I am wrong, I am not an Obstetrician, but I am pretty sure that the molding of the head only happens when the baby is in the birth canal, yes? And my 15 week old fetus's head is probably the size of a grape? And I am also pretty sure that my tiny precious little baby is happily swimming in a vast pool of amniotic fluid and no where near going into a birthing position anytime soon... so I rest my case.
This same someone also gave me a horrified look when I told her how excited I was to go to the Chiropractor. "But the BABY!!!" So I don't DIE between now and late July of excruciating back pain that started before I ever got pregnant, since I can't take anything for the pain besides Tylenol and Pez, I am going to an expert who can help me. Unless they know something I don't, like the Chiropractor is going to take the baby out and crack it's back, or I must take a hit of acid before they will see me, what is the harm in a little alternative therapy? It's not like I am going sky diving for God sakes! The worst thing I do is DRINK COKE. NOT DO COKE.
I know people mean well but one day I am going to lose it and scream. I just try to remind myself daily that it is only out of love and concern. But try telling my estrogen and progesterone (and whatever other crazy hormones are running through my veins) that.

So this didn't piss me off but it was funny so I must share. Aaron did something really funny and made me laugh HARD at him yesterday. I ran to the bathroom because apparently all that laughing made me feel like I was going to pee out the teaspoon of urine in my bladder that I had produced in the last 5 minutes since my last bathroom trip. So I am in the bathroom, LMAOing it up, while I pee, and tears start to run down my face because I am laughing so hard. Then, for reasons that I can't understand or explain, my laughs turn into sobs and in 5 seconds flat my good mood is shattered and I am crying for ABSOLUTELY no reason. This makes me laugh more, which makes me cry more. WTF???!?! Are you kidding me right now. Then, sobbing and with an empty bladder, I go to Aaron, crying, to tell him that I am crying and I have no idea why. He looks at me rightfully as the crazy bitch that I am.
Pregnancy is wonderful and weird as HELL!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Freaky Thumb AKA "Non-Bendy"

My thumb on my right hand does not bend. It never has a day in it's little life. I went to an orthopedic specialist when I was about 6 and it turns out my thumb's tendon is under-developed so it never had the strength to bend it. It looks a little freaky... have you ever seen a thumb with no creases?! It's bizarre I tell you. I am used to it. When I was a kid it was a topic of conversation. Kids enjoy showing off their hidden talents like being able to flip their eyelids inside out, but I was almost always the coolest, as mine was a congenital abnormality that no one could learn how to do. In my teenage and young(er) adult years it felt like something to be ashamed of, so I hid it as best I could. Hell, I didn't even tell Aaron until we had been together for about a year because I was scared he would break up with me for being different. LOL. I am so melodramatic at times, its not like it's my leg or neck that doesn't bend. Lord.
Once in a great while, I will be going about my day, doing countless insignificant things and I will see my left thumb bend and think to myself "OH MY GOD! I DID IT! IT BENT! MY THUMB CAN BEND!" And then I realize my Non-Bendy is on my right hand. The first couple times it was quite a let down! After that I laugh at myself, call myself an asshole or some other insult equally fitting, and go on about my day.
Recently, Aaron and I were sitting on the couch and he was showing me some sign language that he learned because his first girlfriend was deaf (I am sorry, if he can look past a girl not having one of the 5 basic senses, why in the HELL would he care about a thumb?? Stupid girl...). I realized that I was not able to do some words/letters because of my thumb.
This made me wonder, half kidding, half honestly curious... does my non-bendy mean that in the sign language community I would be considered to have a speech impediment? LOL
Just wanted to share this. It almost feels like I came out of the "mild, insignificant congenital abnormality closet". LOL. I hope my baby can bend everything. You know how new parents count all their kids digits? I will be bending mine. :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Obsessed with listening to the heart beat.

I think I blog about silly little things because I can't just call or talk to my friends like I used to be able to. I like to get it all out, even if no one is really listening/reading. haha.
Last night I tried listening to the baby's heartbeat and thought I found it but was not sure. But I heard a while lot of what I can only imagine is fetal movement on the doppler. I was laying on my side with the hand piece definitely not moving because I had it firmly on my belly and was resting that hand on my leg. I know it wasn't because I was moving it. But I heard tons of "whoosh" noises, so I think it was Cletus swimming around in there. I know once I was with a nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and we heard a whoosh and she said it sounded like fetal movement. :) SO based on that I think that's what it was.
Today when I came home from work I listened for Cletus again and got him/her almost right away. Heart rate ranged from 150-168. I have never seen it as low as 150 before! It has always been 160 or higher.
If I had to guess, I would say this baby is going to be a girl, it will be born August 1st or 2nd, and it is going to be very energetic! Let's see if I am right! Only time will tell.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Lazy Weekend

It's going to be a very lazy weekend but that's OK, I am welcoming it with open arms. For example, I have been sleeping on and off since about 11PM last night until about 3:30PM today. How incredibly wonderful is that?! Hey judge if you want, but I plan on being sloth-like for as long as I can until Cletus gets here and puts my life in a tailspin.
Aaron is working nights all weekend and next week, so I am basically spending my weekend alone. It sounds worse than it actually is. I got used to being alone when Aaron was in New Mexico for training, so now I am actually quite comfortable that way. I get to watch what I want to watch on TV, stay in my jammies all day, and do rude things like burp without having to worry about grossing out company. :)
I was going to do some grocery shopping today, but now I don't feel like it so I think I will pick up Chinese for dinner and go to the store tomorrow instead. I think that sounds reasonable. But crap, I have no Coke or bottled water, so I will have to stop by the grocery store. Ugh.
It is insane to me that I have had the AC on in January. The cheap bastards who built my house put NO screens on the windows, so when it is 75 here it gets hot in my house, and there's really no other way to cool it down except for turn on the house fan and/or AC. I think Aaron and I are going to put up some screen doors though, so we can at least leave the doors open when we want. That is one of many things wrong/irritating with this house and I am very excited to move back home so this house can be a little memory. I say little because the house is so damned little.
Anyway, as of yesterday I am 14 weeks pregnant! Time is flying by. So exciting! In a few weeks' time I will be able to feel my baby kicking. I can't wait for that. I am in maternity clothes but still look nothing other than just fatter than usual. That's getting old.
So real news here. Still pregnant, still living in Texas, still want to come home. I need to travel more of this state though, I bet there's a WHOLE lot more than the tiny bit I see. Texans are very proud people, and I owe it to the state and to them to find out why. So far I am not too sure. I don't do cattle, and I don't do Mexico (can't, too dangerous per my hubby unless we fly in and go to a resort) so there's not a whole lot for me to do here. But the people are very nice. My co-workers and boss are very nice. So yes the people are friendly but I left lots of friendly people to come here, so I need to find more to make me happy here. I really am sick of bitching about wanting to come home. I know people tell me that at last I have Aaron with me, which is completely true and I don't know what I would do without him. But I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. We lived 20 minutes away from a border, why couldn't he work there? Then I wouldn't be destroying my credit by doing a short-sale on my house, I wouldn't be pregnant 1600 miles away from anyone who I am close with, and I wouldn't have to worry obsessively about tarantulas.
OK, done bitching for today. Getting in the shower so I can try the new Chinese place in town tonight. :)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Today sucked.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I have been tired all day.
I found a weird lump last night so I went to the doctor to have it seen, and no worries everything is fine, but for whatever reason I wept uncontrollably for about an hour because of this. The nurse practitioner told me that it seems like that baby is good and healthy because it's affecting Mom's moods so much. Ha. Thanks lady. She had a student with her, an NP student, who works with me. So not only did she see my weep like a child, she got to see my weep like a child in a paper gown while I told her I was sorry but she couldn't stay in because it was too personal. Ugh shoot me.
I went back to work and a patient called me a little girl. I am 29. Not that I want to look my age or anything, but chances are if I am assisting with your blood transfusion I am indeed an adult. Just sayin'. THEN he had the audacity to ask my co-worker if I am pregnant. OK, so I am... but I am not far enough along to be showing! Why are people asswipes? How can you NOT tell the difference between uterus and chub?! Granted I am convinced the uterus is already pushing the chub out more... it's harder to suck my gut in. I think it's just difficult to suck in uterus.
When I went to the doctor's office it said I gained two more pounds since the last time I was there on the 6th. I think that contributed to my weepiness. I figured out then that I have gained 5-6 pounds since I got pregnant. Total bullshit. However, I figured it all out. I'll give my breasts a pounds between the two of them. They are full! I'll give my uterus itself a pound between the growth of it and the amniotic fluid. Extra blood flow is probably another half pound, the baby weighs a half ounce, and the other 3 pounds and 7 1/2 ounces is the baby's bad attitude. Hey, anyone that moves around that much during an ultrasound has got to be a rebel!
Oh, and I brought my crying fit back to with me and everyone had to say aww and pat the silly crying pregnant girl. Don't get me wrong I am so glad they care, just for whatever reason when I am upset and people hug me it makes it worse and I cry more. I don't know why. Oh, and Dr. Watkins heard me call myself an asshole. I actually think that is amusing though. :)
OK I am sore and stiff from being constantly on edge today, so I am going to bed. Hope tomorrow is better!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Update #1 on Cletus.

And by this I mean Cletus the Fetus. Yes, until I find out it's a girl or until this baby is born it will be known as Cletus. :) heh heh heh I hope this kid has a good sense of humor, or at least is a good sport!
So I am officially 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My due date is July 23rd, which is awesome because that is my Father's birthday. If I can actually manage to have the baby of the 23rd I will be his favorite child for LIFE. :)
My second doctor's appointment was January 6th, last Wednesday. I have gained three pounds, which is interesting since the baby only weighs a half ounce... but nevermind...
I had a nurse come in the room and tell me we were going to listen for the baby's heart beat. I thought to myself, "cool, because I can never hear it at home!" She can't find it. But then she sends in someone else to find it. She can't find it either. I think really nothing of this because I think I am only 10 1/2 weeks along and it is still pretty early. However, Dr. White tells me that this is "concerning because at 11 1/2 weeks we should be able to hear the baby by now." He told me this after the third person, a nurse practitioner with previous OB experience, comes in and listens for a long time and can't hear the baby either. (However, we did hear a big WHOOSH noise and she told me that sounded like movement. That FLOORED me that a person that small can make noise inside me and I am completely oblivious to it!)
So of course I start to feel nervous, as I am sure anyone would be. Hey if the doctor tells me I might have reason to worry then I am about 3 seconds away from a nervous breakdown.
Eventually (after he takes care of an emergency patient) he comes back in the room and begins the ultrasound. I'm a little nervous but trying to keep my composure. A few seconds after he puts the (for lack of a better term, I assume...) wand down on my belly he says "Oh my God there's three in there!" I said "WHAT!" and then he just giggles. Awesome. I love that I have a slightly smart-ass doctor. This is the same doctor that tells me before my Pap smear last month to "not worry, he did this once before and it went fine." and after asking if my breasts were sensitive just before the breast exam made a mention of mashing them. LOL. I seriously could not have an high strung doctor for something like this. I mean, lets be reasonable. In all likelihood I am probably going to end up pooping on this guy's shoes... I need to be able to laugh with him.
So after my brief heart attack I learn there is actually only one child, and it is doing something that looks like break dancing in my uterus. It was the most amazing, hilarious thing I have ever seen. Dr. White said "You're going to have one energetic child." LOL. He almost couldn't even measure him/her because it was so active. It was hard to get a good view to measure! Dr. White kept saying "come on Munchkin, just slow down for just one minute!" And yes, I cried a little bit. I didn't boo-hoo it up but I did need a tissue. It was a huge relief to see my baby not only alive but thriving. I think if something was wrong it wouldn't be busting a continuous move in my womb. I saw this little person actually do a flip. A flip! I made a person who has two arms and legs and can flail! I don't think this will ever, ever get old or boring. :)
Yeah, I love being pregnant. I know what I am about to say sounds weird, but I am still going to try my best to put it into words. Being a grown up, you know what all your bodies functions are. You know what your legs do, and your hands and eyes, etc. And then you get pregnant and you learn what else your uterus (and breasts, and their magical vein making capability) does. Sure we all know the usual functions, but WOW can it do more. It is amazing to learn about your body more when you thought you knew it all already. It is all so new. I am only 12 weeks pregnant, but I definitely feel different already. I have a fullness in my lower abdomen. It has become uncomfortable to lie flat on my belly. It feels like I am squishing myself. If I stand up too fast after tying my shoes, or if I stretch in a certain position I feel my round ligaments stretching, which is NOT my favorite feeling in the world. It's amazing and fun, and I hope that every woman that wants to experience it for herself gets to at least once.
One more thing before I go watch American Idol and laugh at the audition... last night Aaron and I heard Cletus's heart beat for the first time ever last night! It was so cool! There was no mistaking that rapid heart beat for mine. It was 160 beats per minute and just sounded like it came from something little. On the doppler my heart beat sounds like whoosh, and the baby's sounded like a little *bip*. :)
I don't even know the little stinker yet and I am already falling madly in love with it!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Feed Me!

We are trying to plan a long weekend home in Michigan in late April. And I am almost as excited for the food I will be eating in Michigan as I am to see my friends and family. I have plans of all the places I want to dine...
1. Olga's Kitchen... I want a basket of snackers with extra cheese! And an orange cream cooler while I am at it.
2. Bahama Breeze... I want the chicken with the lemon butter sauce and sweet mashed potatoes and yuca fries. Damn.
3. Buca di Beppos for some gnocchi... Mmmmm.....
4. MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD!!!!! I want some falafel and real homemade hummus so bad it hurts! Ooh and some fattoush salad. Gotta get all this at Fattoush Village in Livonia.
And... to wash it all down... Vernor's. Please and thank you.

I am thinking of all this food that I can't have and it gets me angry. :/ We have diddly squat in the house because I have been too busy napping to go to the grocery store. I had Long John Silver's for dinner because the baby wanted mercury... uh I mean fish. hahaha Don't worry this is the second time in my pregnancy I have had any fish. But because of my poor choices this afternoon I can and will not order out. I can't afford to gain 50+ pounds with this baby! However my poor choice was glorious!

I wish I could quit thinking about food. I would say my appetite is increasing for sure now. The last few days I eat the normal amount of times but every time has been 100% of all meals, and side salads, and stealing from Aaron... this kumquat sized little goober gives me the appetite of a big brawny man!
I should be ashamed to tell anyone this but it is so gross that I have to tell. This morning all I could think about was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and fish. Not together, but I knew I had to have both of those today. So I had a little roll with some PB&J on it and a big glass of milk, and maybe 2 hours later... Aaron came home with my fish. Good GOD!