Isabella Maria

Isabella Maria
Her 3 week pictures... such an angel!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Unfortunately this is probably a good sign.

I feel evil. No, I don't think you get it. Evil. EEEVILLL. Like, leave the room, don't come in to my eye sight without either a dazzling compliment or ... actually no. Not even that, and chocolate makes me sick now, so that won't even sway me. I am glad I don't have the balls to act out the images in my head. I would be in big trouble. I don't want to kill anyone, but I do want to yell at people until they cry and/or crack a dining room chair across someone's back. Damnit.
I am trying SO hard to let it pass. But as soon as I feel it going away, I see something that pisses me off all over again.
As bad as this is to go through, and as ugly as it could be, deep down I know this is good because it probably means my body is absorbing my hormones again. Unfortunately the hormones that make me feel like a sociopath are the same little nuggets of joy that will help me ovulate and ultimately, conceive, so I really can't complain too much. This ugly, vile attitude I feel is probably estrogen, progesterone, or a cyclone whirl mix of the two coming back into my blood stream in the amounts that I should be having. God, one can only hope. Because if I feel this livid for NO DAMN REASON it will only be bad.
Yeah I have been moody over the last few months occasionally even though I wasn't having periods, but this is above and beyond. I hope this means I am "back to normal".
I feel like if I open my mouth and speak it will sound like Reagan from the Exorcist.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My observations about Lent

So this year for Lent I gave up fast food and regular pop. For the most part I have done well, but I have slipped a few times. Yesterday I stopped and got a beef and cheddar (no fries because I figured it would be better than a cheeseburger from McDonalds. To me, Arby's is the Cadillac of fast food, it IS fast food but it's not as shitty as McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King. I had to eat something so I could take my meds. I was on 23 going up to visit my family for the weekend. Can't eat a salad in the car now can I? So that was bad. But I think God gets it. The ONLY time I have had regular pop is when it was the ONLY thing to drink and I take as little as possible. I am trying.
A woman from my work has been giving me things from her church lately. I like it though, I think I approached her about it, so it's not annoying. Last week she left a little black book on my desk that has daily 6 minute reads, and you read one section a day through all of Lent. I have really enjoyed it, and it has made Lent make more sense to me. I realize now it's a time to try to be closer to God through denying yourself things you would usually have. Through your "suffering" you should be seeking God, not bitching because you can't have jelly beans because that is what you gave up. By reading it I have realized calling yourself a Christian and actually BEING a Christian are two very different things. I believe in God very much and pray and think about Him more than I probably let on, but even with that I still do not lead a very Christian lifestyle. So this year I have trying very hard to do more than just give up pop and not eat meat on Fridays and I am using this time to reflect on God and my relationship with Him. It's just what I needed too. I can't really explain what it's doing for me, I guess the best way to put it is it is giving me comfort I wouldn't otherwise have. Different from the comfort and love of my husband, family and friends. I am very lucky to have a life blessed with people I love, it's just something other than that. Anyhow, I am rambling about something that probably few people wish to read, and that's fine. :)
My last pondering thought for the day is this... am I judgmental or do I just vocalize my thoughts? At what point does it go from an opinion to a judgment? So for example, if last night there was a woman at a bar who was wearing a horrific outfit from the 60's. I asked the people at the table if they thought she had lost a bet. lol. Now is this a judgment or a joke/opinion? I personally think it's amusing either way, bad or not. This is also something I am trying to work hard on during Lent, as well as swearing. I swear like a sailor and I should try to curb that before I have babies.
OK well I am going to dinner and a movie with my cousin Yasmine to celebrate her birthday. She is honestly one of my favorite people in the world... I love her.) :)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Goober and Clyde.

Yesterday, after I left the RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist's) office, I just wanted to run away. But then I realized that I am taking my problem (my ovaries) with me. No matter where I go, there they are. So in my head I imagined these two little green gross looking things with eyes, (my perception of my bum ovaries) that resemble a cross between an almond and the Squidbillies. (If you don't know who they are, you HAVE to google them.) Two sad little reject ovaries with pathetic little eyes, goofy teeth and the occasional random hair sticking out of it's little ovary face. It kinda made me laugh. I would find the ability to make a joke out of a disease. Ah well. I am still quite upset about it, but thankfully I learned at an early age how to not stay sad for long consecutive periods of time. There is the occasional comic relief. I assume it's a coping mechanism. Well whatever it is, I am glad I have it! I'm not fooling myself, but at least I am not constantly depressed.
So tonight I drew a picture of my two ovaries and named them Goober and Clyde. I was slightly amused by this. Now there's a face to the name(s). :)

So you all might find this part cheesy...
I was looking for a quote to use for the name of my blog, something along the lines of, laugh so you don't cry... something to that effect. Then I came across Nat King Cole's song "Smile" and it is perfect. It is EXACTLY how I feel. So of course I have to put the lyrics here. And NO I am not doing this to be like some little weird emo kid. That shit annoys the hell outta me.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.


My doctor's appointment was yesterday and yes, it is official, I have PCOS. I saw my cyst filled ovaries with my own eyes. Well, not in person, that would be bad, but on the ultrasound screen. PS- If you ever have to have a saline infusion sonohysterography thing and someone tells you it doesn't hurt you tell them they are a F*CKING liar, because YES IT DOES.

I am so angry. And sad. It makes me mad because there is no one to blame. It's no one's fault, yet I have to deal with a world of crap now. I will be on Clomid in 4 or 5 months time if I don't get regular periods with just the glucophage.
On the bright side though, I love my reproductive endocrinologist. She is such a sweet caring woman. She actually enjoys what she does and it shows. I got lucky to get her. And she is very pro-active. She has a plan in store for me and I don't think she'll stop until I have a child. :)
I am scared. I am trying to remind myself this is not a death sentence or anything like that, but I can't help but feel like I am grieving a little. I am grieving the loss of my fertility, in a sense. There is no guarantee I can have a baby. I do have one friend who has PCOS and she said she felt the same way I do. And now she has a beautiful 2 month old daughter. I will remember them often during all this BS.
I have been doing some research: women without PCOS have a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. Women with PCOS, 45-50%. Women with PCOS also have a higher risk of gestational diabetes, high blood pressure during pregnancy, blood clotting issues (that could cause a clot in my placenta and cut off the blood to a baby, killing it...), premature births and high birth weight babies than women without PCOS. So even if I DO get pregnant, the worry is not over. Even though I know the news could be worse, I could have uterine cancer or something equally nightmarish, it's still bad news.
This diagnosis almost makes me feel like less of a woman. I am a woman for one thing, to reproduce. The one thing that my body was MADE FOR I may not even be able to do. Women who can't read or write and live in a friggin van down by the river can still get knocked up. People who have no reason bringing offspring into this world can make a hobby of it, while people like me have to go to infertility specialists and cry and go through painful procedures and take medicine just to try to get that chance.
I said it before, and wow does it hit me like a ton of bricks now. THIS is the thanks I get. I played by the rules (mostly) all my life. I went to school, graduated, went to college, got a degree, met a great guy, fell in love, got married, got a good job, got a 401K, bought a house, and this is how I am repaid for doing the right thing. Maybe I should have slept around, rob people, did drugs and not go to college. Then I would probably be a mother of 4.
OK I have to go get ready for work. I will feel sorry for myself more later.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Blood work

I had my blood drawn yesterday in preparation for the big test this Thursday. My doctor is a U of M doctor, and I work for U of M, so I have access to my labs. Each one pops up one by one, and I look at the results. Fasting glucose was OK. 2 hour post prandial glucose was OK too. Good. FSH was OK, estradiol was higher than it should be for this time in the month, but I don't know what that means. SO for the most part, my workup is unremarkable, which is good. Then, my insulin comes back. Normal is 1-21. Mine was 56.6. Looks like I am insulin resistant. I'm not a doctor, so I am not sure, but that's definitely what it sounds like. And insulin resistance is a hallmark sign of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Well isn't that just fabulous.

On the bright side, I may be wrong. I may get another diagnosis on Thursday. I highly doubt it, but I could be wrong. But all the signs pretty much fit the bill. If the doctor says I do not have PCOS I may even go for a second opinion, it seems that unlikely for it to be something other that PCOS. And on the other bright side (is there one when you're about to be diagnosed with the number one reason for female infertility?) at least now I KNOW what the hell is going on. That is probably why I have gained 30-40 pounds in the last 2 years. That is why the skin on my arms looks different. That is why I do not have periods. Maybe now something can be done to fix it? Now maybe I can get pregnant??

Ugh. Who knows. I will put up another blog later in the week after I have my appt.