Doctor Appointment with Reproductive Endocrinology

Ah...
Finally, someone who took it all seriously. Finally, a doctor who made more than just a passing, fleeting comment about my fertility (or lack thereof). I talked to two doctors and one nurse today whose primary goal is to see that I become a mom. I didn't feel like a bother to them. It was nice. But what they told me wasn't so much.
First, they want to rule out PCOS and metabolic disorder. Hmmm. Didn't a doctor already tell me I was out of the woods for PCOS. Yes, a doctor who does not have the tools or the knowledge to do so. She tested my hormones and sure, they were all within normal limits. But since I hadn't had a period in 3 months, there is no way to tell what part of my "cycle" I was in, which basically rendered those levels (as well as the time I took out of work AND 2 pokes) useless. Thanks. I appreciate it. While I am at it, thanks for the false hope I had for the last month that everything was really OK. The only good thing she did for me was make me have a medicine induced period and refer me to someone who knows what they are doing.
So in a nutshell, here is the plan:
If I don't either have a positive pregnancy test or a period on my own by beginning of Feb. then I have to take more meds to induce another period, then on day 2 of my period I have to have a fasting glucose test done, as well as all the female hormones AGAIN. (Yes, all the tests I have already done... all over again.) In addition to this they are running genetic tests for cystic fibrosis since Aaron and I are both European descent. That is just a blood test, but THANKS for making me think of something that 1. most Caucasian people don't even think about when trying to conceive and 2. giving me a WHOLE NEW THING to worry about. Then, AS IF that wasn't enough, on March 5th I am having a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography. AND... they want to do a semen analysis on Aaron. So there ya go, a whole reproductive workup. Oh yeah, and I have to consult with a dietician, which can really only be a good thing. I hope my insurance can cover all this...
So I spent a part of my morning crying and being scared. Pap smears just about send me flying off the table because for whatever reason they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I had a nurse practitioner ask me after a Pap a couple years ago if I was a victim of sexual abuse because of how much pain it was for me, because usually "only women who have been traumatized have that kind of reaction." No, the only one traumatizing me is the bitch with the speculum and the mascara wand who is shoving it in the os of my cervix! A Pap is only scraping the cervix, and with this test they are going to go straight through my cervix. OH MY GOOD GOD I AM SCARED. AND, they give nothing for pain control. No, wait, I am sorry. They wrote me an order for f*cking Motrin, so my fallopian tubes do not vasospasm, therefore messing up their images. It has nothing to do with my comfort. They say it should just feel like a pinch. Well, they just say "a little pressure" when they do my Pap and that makes me just about jump off the table. It feels like electric shocks going up my body. I bet they're right though... just a pinch. I wish you could see my face as I type this. Yeah right just a pinch.
I am so disheartened by all this crap. Why can't I just have sex and get pregnant like you're supposed to?! Why does everything have to be such a pain in the ass for me? I know, I am probably blowing it out of proportion right now, but whatever. My blog, my feelings.
I hope to God more now than ever before that I am pregnant before this all happens to me so I don't have to go through it. I know that damned test would be a walk in the park compared to what childbirth is. But just as much as I am afraid of the pain, I am angered and disappointed in what it all signifies. My body potentially failing me. I just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself up with the biggest fluffiest blanket I can find and hide from the world.
And if one person leaves a comment on here saying "Well, there's always adoption!" I am going to scream. Yes, I know, and it would be an amazing thing to adopt, but this isn't the issue right now. If I have to yes I will. And I will love an adopted child very much. But I want to give my husband and I our own biological child. I want to make a baby with him and see ourselves in him/her and know that little person exists because two people loved each other so much. I want to feel a baby kicking from the inside, not the outside for once.
Ugh. The whole world feels gray to me today. I am going to bed.