Feeling a tad sorry for myself.

Instead of sleeping happy in my bed I have been awake for hours. I WAS EXHAUSTED all day yesterday. So I woke up about 3AM and have been up ever since, watching the Discovery Health Channel, which happens to be my favorite.
I have my myspace's playlist playing in the background, and to be honest it is kinda depressing me. I LOVE the songs I have chosen for it, but some of them have a lot of meaning to them, or they remind me of things I can't have. OK, so Lean like a Cholo has no true deep meaning, but I love it. LOL. The songs remind me of my youth, or England, or my English family, my friends that I can no longer see on a regular basis because we're all wives and moms and homeowners and full time workers, or my American Family that only miles and steep gas prices keeps me from.
I know, I am still pretty young, but when I refer to my youth I refer to the part of it that I know I can never have back. No responsibilities, no true worries, no career yet... I don't really want to go back there, but the carefree fun we had was just... amazing.
I miss England so much. I haven't been there in 3 1/2 years. It is so beautiful, the weather is perfect (for me anyway), it's just different than here. You'd have to go there to see it. And no, I am not talking London. London is nice, but not the same. I would love to go there and have a ball, but that's not what I miss. All big cities have a lot of similarities, at least in my experiences. The real stuff to see is north of London. Durham, Newcastle, the Lake District, the hilly, green countryside dotted with lambs and farms. I keep looking online at ticket prices and nearly crying every time, about $3000 per person. At that rate I will never get there before my grandmother passes away, and that breaks my heart. I really want Aaron to meet her. Unless I learn how to shit money I just don't see it happening. I have twin cousins that I have never met. At any given point I am without half of my entire family. If I am here, I have not one member of my mother's side of my family. If I am in England I have not one member of my dad's side of my family. It sucks. So no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be missing out on my family's lives.
Having said all that though, I have a lot of be thankful for. I am healthy and am married to and in love with a good man who loves me very much, we both have jobs and are capable of paying our bills, we don't go without any necessities, we have friends and family we love very much, not to mention I have the most beautiful dogs on the face of the Earth. And hopefully very soon I will have a bun in the oven. I guess it is true that no one is ever truly happy. Well hopefully this is just me being premenstrual and moody. I am 18 days late, after all. 8 HPT later, I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. Ugh.