Disclaimer: I do not feel good at all. I am on lots of meds, including half a vicodin for the unrelenting sore throat and general muscle soreness that is accompanying this cold from hell. Oh yeah, AND I had a tooth pulled this week too. This week has been kinda crappy. At least right now it doesn't feel too bad. I am getting a little sleepy though. So if blog is goofy, it is because I am blogging on meds.
Last May Aaron applied for a position with the Border Patrol. With his background we figured hey, great job, good pay, no worries of layoffs, we can't go wrong?
Last week Aaron got a phone call from someone in Washington DC that said his application was completely processed and it looked good, now we are just waiting for the final/official offer. HOLY SHIT. This job will definitely move us out of state, to the Mexican Border. He put his preference in for Tucson Arizona. The man from DC is talking to the hiring center about our house, he will hopefully find a way for us to get out of our mortgage so we can move. We simply can't afford to go to AZ and pay for our mortgage here too.
I know virtually nothing about Arizona. I just googled different stores I go to, and yes, they have a Target, Kmart and 13 Walmarts. However, no Meijer or Kroger. Where will I buy food? I talked to the lady from the Chamber of Commerce there, and I think she thought I was a dumbass. I asked her if there were scorpions. Heh, she was like, "Yes, honey, we live in the desert." I act cool like, oh, OK... but inside I am freaking out. DESERT? People really live in deserts? I used to live in New Mexico when I was a young child but 1. I lived on an Air Force Base, and 2, I moved to Michigan before my 6th birthday and I have been here ever since. I remember having grass in New Mexico. All the pictures of houses for rent I see in Tucson just have dirt, bushes, gravel... no grass. I guess that is cool for someone who doesn't like to mow the lawn (i.e. Aaron and I). But if I see a scorpion I will definitely, without a doubt in my mind either shit myself or scream. I am leaning toward a little of both. I don't like creepy crawlies. Oh and PS- she said they have Black Widows there too. Great. Fan-f*cking-tastic. Every time I have been bitten by a spider in the past I end up in the ER due to the swelling of the area that gets bitten. So why don't we add a spider with poisonous venom into the mix. Awesome. Will I need an epi-pen? :/
On the bright side when I was looking for houses for rent, they have a WHOLE lot of new houses for rent, bigger than our current house, well kept (at least it appears that way on the 'net...) for hundreds less than we pay for our mortgage now. I mean sure, we could get one that costs more, but that would just be stupid. Plus, I like the thought of making more money than we do now and spending less to live than we do now. It won't make up for being essentially alone in a strange place, but at least maybe we can get in a better place financially, which sounds great.
The thought of being without my families (my own and Aaron's...) and our friends is depressing as hell. I don't want to miss my sister grow up, or Sadie and Juniper (that's what I will call her until I know what her real name is). I love my job, I like my house, I have great friends that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world... and there's a really good chance I am going to leave it all. Sounds horrible. But at the same time, with the economy the way it is, passing up a job in the Border Patrol could very well prove to be the biggest mistake we ever made. AND, if we have the opportunity to get out of our mortgage and just rent again and not have all the worries home-ownership entails, that would also be a huge blessing. I just hope all our friends and family keep that in mind and instead of making us feel guilty for leaving they wish us well instead. :( And I hope they all move with us too.
Don't you all want to live in the desert with me? Cue in Sam Kinison's stand up comedy "YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING DESERT! IT'S SAND!" LOL.
So, can anyone tell me anything about Tucson? Have you ever been there? Would you live there? What parts should I avoid? Which hospital should I try to work in? Are they nice there? Will I be a minority being non-Hispanic? (better known as pasty white girl) Fill me in!
OK, I think it's about time for me to flop on the bed and get some much needed rest. So friends, please consider moving with us. It'll be fun! It'll be an adventure! Please don't make us do it alone!! :(
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Dentist from Heaven
So, I was at work yesterday training a patient how to administer her own home antibiotics and out of nowhere I feel something big in my tooth. It's huge filling was coming out. Grrreeeeaaattt. This tooth is, believe it or not, a baby tooth. I have two spots in my mouth where adult teeth buds never formed, so after the baby teeth came out, all I have after that is a toothless gap. Yuck.
This filling is GINORMOUS. I basically had no tooth left when it came out. So after teaching patients about antibiotics I go back to the office, google dentists in Livonia (why Livonia I don't know, I just did. However I live in Westland. Whatever.) I find this one called Concord Dental Group, I like their website, they have evening hours 2 days a week, and they're only a few miles from my house. I called them, they can take me that night for an emergency appointment. YAY! Someone can fix my mouth!
I get there, fill out the health questionnaires, and one of the questions was "Are you scared of being at the dentist's office?" or something to that effect. Well this little pebble of a tooth is very sensitive, even if I just touch my tongue to it. In addition, my teeth are very sensitive to cold and hot, so why wouldn't they be sensitive to everything else? Even with cleaning visits my hands are so tight on the armrests that my knuckles are white. So I said yes.
They were SO receptive to that! After we made the decision to pull out the baby tooth, they gave me topical numbing mouth gel, a continuous mask of nitrous oxide (awesome!) and headphones playing music from the 70's. Very trippy with the nitrous, it kept me entertained in my head. Very cool choice. The worst part was the numbing, that hurt bad. Usually, like before a filling they only shoot up your gum on the outside. No, this time I got a shot there AND in my hard palate. Even being squirrely from the nitrous that STILL hurt.
There were, however, thought I had while wearing the nitrous nose piece that made me LOL to myself in the chair. I was the only one in the room. They put big aviator style goggles on me and then the nitrous, which came in a pointy, gray nose piece. When they started to numb me I thought that I probably looked like an aviator mouse who had a stroke and it was all over. I was laughing to myself. What a dork.
I will finish this later when I have more time, I have to get ready for work now!
This filling is GINORMOUS. I basically had no tooth left when it came out. So after teaching patients about antibiotics I go back to the office, google dentists in Livonia (why Livonia I don't know, I just did. However I live in Westland. Whatever.) I find this one called Concord Dental Group, I like their website, they have evening hours 2 days a week, and they're only a few miles from my house. I called them, they can take me that night for an emergency appointment. YAY! Someone can fix my mouth!
I get there, fill out the health questionnaires, and one of the questions was "Are you scared of being at the dentist's office?" or something to that effect. Well this little pebble of a tooth is very sensitive, even if I just touch my tongue to it. In addition, my teeth are very sensitive to cold and hot, so why wouldn't they be sensitive to everything else? Even with cleaning visits my hands are so tight on the armrests that my knuckles are white. So I said yes.
They were SO receptive to that! After we made the decision to pull out the baby tooth, they gave me topical numbing mouth gel, a continuous mask of nitrous oxide (awesome!) and headphones playing music from the 70's. Very trippy with the nitrous, it kept me entertained in my head. Very cool choice. The worst part was the numbing, that hurt bad. Usually, like before a filling they only shoot up your gum on the outside. No, this time I got a shot there AND in my hard palate. Even being squirrely from the nitrous that STILL hurt.
There were, however, thought I had while wearing the nitrous nose piece that made me LOL to myself in the chair. I was the only one in the room. They put big aviator style goggles on me and then the nitrous, which came in a pointy, gray nose piece. When they started to numb me I thought that I probably looked like an aviator mouse who had a stroke and it was all over. I was laughing to myself. What a dork.
I will finish this later when I have more time, I have to get ready for work now!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Haunting Memory
I can't go into too much detail about it because it is about a new patient I have. He's a nice gentleman, and I was in his home a few weeks ago giving him an intravenous infusion as part of my new job as a home infusion nurse. This person has health issues that impair his range of motion.
Just as I was about to give him his medication he said he noticed that his dog was acting strangely. Shortly thereafter his dog started having a grand mal seizure. Drooling, convulsions that sent him in different directions in the room, it was horrible to see. My old dog Cody was epileptic too, so at least I have seen this before or else I wouldn't be able to handle it. Thing is though, seeing a Lab seize is a little more scary than seeing a Beagle seize. Labs are way bigger and can do more damage. I knew he wasn't capable of hurting anyone, but it was just a little frightening regardless.
So here this man is, on his hands and knees, petting this dog, holding his head, comforting him, and he is disabled himself. There's a disabled man on the floor helping his disabled dog. My God it haunts me. He is a very nice guy, the dog is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. The man was the sweetest, most comforting thing to his dog. It broke my heart because they have each other, they are the only two people (dogs are people too) who live in this house, and they both have health ailments. The man and his dog love each other to pieces, and yet they have to see the other one suffer. It makes me want to cry and wail and stomp my feet. Why does crap like this have to happen? Why does this situation even exist? It's not fair! Talk about kicking you when you're down.
When the whole thing was over, he got back in his chair, kept petting his dog, and began his infusion. In my eyes he was a hero to Rocky. He was there for his dog and what was going on with himself was secondary. The rest of the day we watched a movie while the patient and dog had some snacks and relaxed. I made sure to give Rocky lots of kisses and hugs while I was there.
All I know is despite whatever that man could have possibly done in his life prior to that moment in God's eyes is probably all forgotten now. If God is the wo/man I think/believe s/he is, an action like that is so loving and selfless that he probably just got himself a one way ticket to Heaven.
Ugh. Thinking about it kills me.
Just as I was about to give him his medication he said he noticed that his dog was acting strangely. Shortly thereafter his dog started having a grand mal seizure. Drooling, convulsions that sent him in different directions in the room, it was horrible to see. My old dog Cody was epileptic too, so at least I have seen this before or else I wouldn't be able to handle it. Thing is though, seeing a Lab seize is a little more scary than seeing a Beagle seize. Labs are way bigger and can do more damage. I knew he wasn't capable of hurting anyone, but it was just a little frightening regardless.
So here this man is, on his hands and knees, petting this dog, holding his head, comforting him, and he is disabled himself. There's a disabled man on the floor helping his disabled dog. My God it haunts me. He is a very nice guy, the dog is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. The man was the sweetest, most comforting thing to his dog. It broke my heart because they have each other, they are the only two people (dogs are people too) who live in this house, and they both have health ailments. The man and his dog love each other to pieces, and yet they have to see the other one suffer. It makes me want to cry and wail and stomp my feet. Why does crap like this have to happen? Why does this situation even exist? It's not fair! Talk about kicking you when you're down.
When the whole thing was over, he got back in his chair, kept petting his dog, and began his infusion. In my eyes he was a hero to Rocky. He was there for his dog and what was going on with himself was secondary. The rest of the day we watched a movie while the patient and dog had some snacks and relaxed. I made sure to give Rocky lots of kisses and hugs while I was there.
All I know is despite whatever that man could have possibly done in his life prior to that moment in God's eyes is probably all forgotten now. If God is the wo/man I think/believe s/he is, an action like that is so loving and selfless that he probably just got himself a one way ticket to Heaven.
Ugh. Thinking about it kills me.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
75 Things I Want to do Before I Die.
This was an assignment I had to do in high school. Write 75 things I wanted to do before I die and hand it in for my English teacher, Mr. Koch. (Pronounced Mr. Cook, call him Mr. Cock and he got mad. haha)
I have often thought of re-writing it, so here it goes.
1. Be a Mom.
2. Lose weight and be sexy!
3. Have all my credit card debt paid off.
4. Get a Master's Degree in Nursing Management, or Health Administration, or sell out and get my Nurse Anesthetist Degree for the $.
5. Learn to speak Spanish so I can be a more effective Nurse.
6. Go to Italy and look up the Stanziones that I am distantly related to.
7. Watch 4th of July fireworks from a hot air balloon (but far enough away to there they won't fall in and burn me alive or pop the balloon.)
8. Go to NYC.
9. Run into a particular ex boyfriend while Aaron is with me so he can see how good my life is and let it sink in that his probably blows and that dumping me was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Muahahaha...
10. Go to Disney World.
11. Buy a big farm house in the country and get privacy fencing around a large plot of land so I can have my own Dog Rescue. But instead of adopting the dogs out to families I just keep them all. I couldn't ever give one of my babies away. If I had enough money I would hire people to pick up the dog poop and help play with them so I knew they would be well cared for.
12. Win the lottery so I could pay for aforementioned Dog Rescue.
13. Go on a (safe) nature ride/safari in Africa so I can see the animals in their own natural habitat.
14. Take a vacation in a beach house in New England.
15. Spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
16. Spend a Halloween in Salem MA and see Boston too.
17. Go to another Emeril's restaurant.
18. Buy/rent a van or trailer and travel all over the US and see all the States.
19. Go on a cruise.
20. Be a Nurse Manager.
21. Own a brand new vehicle.
22. Go to Bethlehem.
23. Spend a Christmas at a cool resort at Disney World/Universal Studios with my family and our kids so they could spend Christmas in Cinderella's castle, or something equally exciting.
24. Go to Stratford-Upon-Avon.
25. Renew our wedding vows on the shore at Bamburgh Castle
26. Have a meeting with a real psychic/medium like Rebecca Rosen.
27. Get another tattoo. Not sure what or where, but I know I want more.
28. Take a cooking class.
29. Go Christmas Shopping in New York City.
30. Spend a New Year's Eve in Times Square.
31. Write a book.
32. Go to Christmas Eve Mass in the Durham Cathedral again.
33. Have a large collection of angel figurines. I already have a couple.
34. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
35. Take an Alaskan Cruise. This is separate from #19, by this I meant a Jamacian-or-something-to-that-effect Cruise.
36. See the set of Coronation Street. They used to do tours of it!
37. Learn to speak Italian just because I love the way it sounds.
38. Have an unlimited shopping spree in Rogers and Hollands and Tiffany.
39. Take a globe, close my eyes, spin it, put my finger on a spot, then go there. Except for like, Iraq. F that.
40. OK so I can't think of anything else right now. I will put more on here when I think of more!
I have often thought of re-writing it, so here it goes.
1. Be a Mom.
2. Lose weight and be sexy!
3. Have all my credit card debt paid off.
4. Get a Master's Degree in Nursing Management, or Health Administration, or sell out and get my Nurse Anesthetist Degree for the $.
5. Learn to speak Spanish so I can be a more effective Nurse.
6. Go to Italy and look up the Stanziones that I am distantly related to.
7. Watch 4th of July fireworks from a hot air balloon (but far enough away to there they won't fall in and burn me alive or pop the balloon.)
8. Go to NYC.
9. Run into a particular ex boyfriend while Aaron is with me so he can see how good my life is and let it sink in that his probably blows and that dumping me was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Muahahaha...
10. Go to Disney World.
11. Buy a big farm house in the country and get privacy fencing around a large plot of land so I can have my own Dog Rescue. But instead of adopting the dogs out to families I just keep them all. I couldn't ever give one of my babies away. If I had enough money I would hire people to pick up the dog poop and help play with them so I knew they would be well cared for.
12. Win the lottery so I could pay for aforementioned Dog Rescue.
13. Go on a (safe) nature ride/safari in Africa so I can see the animals in their own natural habitat.
14. Take a vacation in a beach house in New England.
15. Spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
16. Spend a Halloween in Salem MA and see Boston too.
17. Go to another Emeril's restaurant.
18. Buy/rent a van or trailer and travel all over the US and see all the States.
19. Go on a cruise.
20. Be a Nurse Manager.
21. Own a brand new vehicle.
22. Go to Bethlehem.
23. Spend a Christmas at a cool resort at Disney World/Universal Studios with my family and our kids so they could spend Christmas in Cinderella's castle, or something equally exciting.
24. Go to Stratford-Upon-Avon.
25. Renew our wedding vows on the shore at Bamburgh Castle
26. Have a meeting with a real psychic/medium like Rebecca Rosen.
27. Get another tattoo. Not sure what or where, but I know I want more.
28. Take a cooking class.
29. Go Christmas Shopping in New York City.
30. Spend a New Year's Eve in Times Square.
31. Write a book.
32. Go to Christmas Eve Mass in the Durham Cathedral again.
33. Have a large collection of angel figurines. I already have a couple.
34. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
35. Take an Alaskan Cruise. This is separate from #19, by this I meant a Jamacian-or-something-to-that-effect Cruise.
36. See the set of Coronation Street. They used to do tours of it!
37. Learn to speak Italian just because I love the way it sounds.
38. Have an unlimited shopping spree in Rogers and Hollands and Tiffany.
39. Take a globe, close my eyes, spin it, put my finger on a spot, then go there. Except for like, Iraq. F that.
40. OK so I can't think of anything else right now. I will put more on here when I think of more!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
So annoying
Yesterday I took a pregnancy test when I got home from work. It was negative. So OK fine, I go about my day.
Well I had forgotten to throw the negative test away. So when I went to the bathroom to shower last night before bed I pick it up to throw it away... then I look at it, it's POSITIVE. Hours later this tests looks different.
The other tests I took this week (I buy them at the dollar store, so I will take them as often as I feel like and not feel bad, haha) bled and caused weird lines on them after I read them as negative too. But this one looked different. Kim, it looked JUST like the one you had in November that you showed me. A very faint line, but a line nonetheless.
So this morning I took another one to see if it was true and that I really am pregnant. Nope. No go. Big fat negative.
I know that is says readings after 10 + minutes are not accurate, but damn. I have taken a LOT of pregnancy tests and none of them had ever looked like that. Last night I was so excited I felt like a kid at Christmas. I was too excited to go to sleep. Now I have to go to work tired and NOT pregnant.
Boo.
Well I had forgotten to throw the negative test away. So when I went to the bathroom to shower last night before bed I pick it up to throw it away... then I look at it, it's POSITIVE. Hours later this tests looks different.
The other tests I took this week (I buy them at the dollar store, so I will take them as often as I feel like and not feel bad, haha) bled and caused weird lines on them after I read them as negative too. But this one looked different. Kim, it looked JUST like the one you had in November that you showed me. A very faint line, but a line nonetheless.
So this morning I took another one to see if it was true and that I really am pregnant. Nope. No go. Big fat negative.
I know that is says readings after 10 + minutes are not accurate, but damn. I have taken a LOT of pregnancy tests and none of them had ever looked like that. Last night I was so excited I felt like a kid at Christmas. I was too excited to go to sleep. Now I have to go to work tired and NOT pregnant.
Boo.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Doctor Appointment with Reproductive Endocrinology
Ah...
Finally, someone who took it all seriously. Finally, a doctor who made more than just a passing, fleeting comment about my fertility (or lack thereof). I talked to two doctors and one nurse today whose primary goal is to see that I become a mom. I didn't feel like a bother to them. It was nice. But what they told me wasn't so much.
First, they want to rule out PCOS and metabolic disorder. Hmmm. Didn't a doctor already tell me I was out of the woods for PCOS. Yes, a doctor who does not have the tools or the knowledge to do so. She tested my hormones and sure, they were all within normal limits. But since I hadn't had a period in 3 months, there is no way to tell what part of my "cycle" I was in, which basically rendered those levels (as well as the time I took out of work AND 2 pokes) useless. Thanks. I appreciate it. While I am at it, thanks for the false hope I had for the last month that everything was really OK. The only good thing she did for me was make me have a medicine induced period and refer me to someone who knows what they are doing.
So in a nutshell, here is the plan:
If I don't either have a positive pregnancy test or a period on my own by beginning of Feb. then I have to take more meds to induce another period, then on day 2 of my period I have to have a fasting glucose test done, as well as all the female hormones AGAIN. (Yes, all the tests I have already done... all over again.) In addition to this they are running genetic tests for cystic fibrosis since Aaron and I are both European descent. That is just a blood test, but THANKS for making me think of something that 1. most Caucasian people don't even think about when trying to conceive and 2. giving me a WHOLE NEW THING to worry about. Then, AS IF that wasn't enough, on March 5th I am having a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography. AND... they want to do a semen analysis on Aaron. So there ya go, a whole reproductive workup. Oh yeah, and I have to consult with a dietician, which can really only be a good thing. I hope my insurance can cover all this...
So I spent a part of my morning crying and being scared. Pap smears just about send me flying off the table because for whatever reason they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I had a nurse practitioner ask me after a Pap a couple years ago if I was a victim of sexual abuse because of how much pain it was for me, because usually "only women who have been traumatized have that kind of reaction." No, the only one traumatizing me is the bitch with the speculum and the mascara wand who is shoving it in the os of my cervix! A Pap is only scraping the cervix, and with this test they are going to go straight through my cervix. OH MY GOOD GOD I AM SCARED. AND, they give nothing for pain control. No, wait, I am sorry. They wrote me an order for f*cking Motrin, so my fallopian tubes do not vasospasm, therefore messing up their images. It has nothing to do with my comfort. They say it should just feel like a pinch. Well, they just say "a little pressure" when they do my Pap and that makes me just about jump off the table. It feels like electric shocks going up my body. I bet they're right though... just a pinch. I wish you could see my face as I type this. Yeah right just a pinch.
I am so disheartened by all this crap. Why can't I just have sex and get pregnant like you're supposed to?! Why does everything have to be such a pain in the ass for me? I know, I am probably blowing it out of proportion right now, but whatever. My blog, my feelings.
I hope to God more now than ever before that I am pregnant before this all happens to me so I don't have to go through it. I know that damned test would be a walk in the park compared to what childbirth is. But just as much as I am afraid of the pain, I am angered and disappointed in what it all signifies. My body potentially failing me. I just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself up with the biggest fluffiest blanket I can find and hide from the world.
And if one person leaves a comment on here saying "Well, there's always adoption!" I am going to scream. Yes, I know, and it would be an amazing thing to adopt, but this isn't the issue right now. If I have to yes I will. And I will love an adopted child very much. But I want to give my husband and I our own biological child. I want to make a baby with him and see ourselves in him/her and know that little person exists because two people loved each other so much. I want to feel a baby kicking from the inside, not the outside for once.
Ugh. The whole world feels gray to me today. I am going to bed.
Finally, someone who took it all seriously. Finally, a doctor who made more than just a passing, fleeting comment about my fertility (or lack thereof). I talked to two doctors and one nurse today whose primary goal is to see that I become a mom. I didn't feel like a bother to them. It was nice. But what they told me wasn't so much.
First, they want to rule out PCOS and metabolic disorder. Hmmm. Didn't a doctor already tell me I was out of the woods for PCOS. Yes, a doctor who does not have the tools or the knowledge to do so. She tested my hormones and sure, they were all within normal limits. But since I hadn't had a period in 3 months, there is no way to tell what part of my "cycle" I was in, which basically rendered those levels (as well as the time I took out of work AND 2 pokes) useless. Thanks. I appreciate it. While I am at it, thanks for the false hope I had for the last month that everything was really OK. The only good thing she did for me was make me have a medicine induced period and refer me to someone who knows what they are doing.
So in a nutshell, here is the plan:
If I don't either have a positive pregnancy test or a period on my own by beginning of Feb. then I have to take more meds to induce another period, then on day 2 of my period I have to have a fasting glucose test done, as well as all the female hormones AGAIN. (Yes, all the tests I have already done... all over again.) In addition to this they are running genetic tests for cystic fibrosis since Aaron and I are both European descent. That is just a blood test, but THANKS for making me think of something that 1. most Caucasian people don't even think about when trying to conceive and 2. giving me a WHOLE NEW THING to worry about. Then, AS IF that wasn't enough, on March 5th I am having a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography. AND... they want to do a semen analysis on Aaron. So there ya go, a whole reproductive workup. Oh yeah, and I have to consult with a dietician, which can really only be a good thing. I hope my insurance can cover all this...
So I spent a part of my morning crying and being scared. Pap smears just about send me flying off the table because for whatever reason they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I had a nurse practitioner ask me after a Pap a couple years ago if I was a victim of sexual abuse because of how much pain it was for me, because usually "only women who have been traumatized have that kind of reaction." No, the only one traumatizing me is the bitch with the speculum and the mascara wand who is shoving it in the os of my cervix! A Pap is only scraping the cervix, and with this test they are going to go straight through my cervix. OH MY GOOD GOD I AM SCARED. AND, they give nothing for pain control. No, wait, I am sorry. They wrote me an order for f*cking Motrin, so my fallopian tubes do not vasospasm, therefore messing up their images. It has nothing to do with my comfort. They say it should just feel like a pinch. Well, they just say "a little pressure" when they do my Pap and that makes me just about jump off the table. It feels like electric shocks going up my body. I bet they're right though... just a pinch. I wish you could see my face as I type this. Yeah right just a pinch.
I am so disheartened by all this crap. Why can't I just have sex and get pregnant like you're supposed to?! Why does everything have to be such a pain in the ass for me? I know, I am probably blowing it out of proportion right now, but whatever. My blog, my feelings.
I hope to God more now than ever before that I am pregnant before this all happens to me so I don't have to go through it. I know that damned test would be a walk in the park compared to what childbirth is. But just as much as I am afraid of the pain, I am angered and disappointed in what it all signifies. My body potentially failing me. I just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself up with the biggest fluffiest blanket I can find and hide from the world.
And if one person leaves a comment on here saying "Well, there's always adoption!" I am going to scream. Yes, I know, and it would be an amazing thing to adopt, but this isn't the issue right now. If I have to yes I will. And I will love an adopted child very much. But I want to give my husband and I our own biological child. I want to make a baby with him and see ourselves in him/her and know that little person exists because two people loved each other so much. I want to feel a baby kicking from the inside, not the outside for once.
Ugh. The whole world feels gray to me today. I am going to bed.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Crazy Pants
So... turns out there is this weird guy on blogspot.com who thinks its necessary to tell you you're going to hell if you don't share EXACTLY the same very narrow minded and unaccepting views as he has. I saw him messing with my friends, so I made a comment to him on one of their blogs.
I woke up this morning to find 24 new comments on my latest blog that I posted days before I ever commented about him. At first I was going to erase them but then as I was reading them they became quite comical. So I am going to save them for your gawking pleasure if you want to see it. Just go to my last blog and read the comments.
I will say this about him, I think it's great that he has such a love for God. I wish more people did. But, I also love God and I don't go around harassing people who don't, or who do but just have different beliefs than I do. I think about 95% of Christians agree with me here when I say that he is NOT helping out God or Christianity because he is promoting hate and intolerance.
I know if I had a problem like drug addiction or anything else bad, I could go to the woman who married Aaron and I and she would accept me and try to help me in any way she could. She really IS a follower of God and would try to help. If I emailed Crazy Pants and asked him for help he would send me links to websites that tell me to be afraid that I am going to hell for eternity. How is that helping? Would Jesus do that? NO. He would probably hug me and tell them that no matter what, he loves me.
I know nothing I say or blog will change this person's point of view, and that is fine. That was not my intent. But I HAD to blog about it for the sheer WTF factor of it all.
A little nugget of wisdom/info/whatever I have for him and anyone else like him is this: Love the sinner, hate the sin.
If you truly think that someone is doing something wrong, chastising them for it will not improve their behavior.
***I am SOOOO not saying this because I want this person's acceptance! I'm just sayin is all.***
He said in a couple things that he is a saved Christian. All jokes and irritation aside, I am glad for him. But if he is trying to get others closer to God by doing what he is doing, he is actually causing much more harm than good.
PS- If I keep getting harassed by him on here I am going to copy and paste this blog as well as every comment I have ever gotten from him and send it to the blogspot.com/google administrators and try to get him booted off of here. This is not a threat, it's a promise. Pick your battles, buddy.
I woke up this morning to find 24 new comments on my latest blog that I posted days before I ever commented about him. At first I was going to erase them but then as I was reading them they became quite comical. So I am going to save them for your gawking pleasure if you want to see it. Just go to my last blog and read the comments.
I will say this about him, I think it's great that he has such a love for God. I wish more people did. But, I also love God and I don't go around harassing people who don't, or who do but just have different beliefs than I do. I think about 95% of Christians agree with me here when I say that he is NOT helping out God or Christianity because he is promoting hate and intolerance.
I know if I had a problem like drug addiction or anything else bad, I could go to the woman who married Aaron and I and she would accept me and try to help me in any way she could. She really IS a follower of God and would try to help. If I emailed Crazy Pants and asked him for help he would send me links to websites that tell me to be afraid that I am going to hell for eternity. How is that helping? Would Jesus do that? NO. He would probably hug me and tell them that no matter what, he loves me.
I know nothing I say or blog will change this person's point of view, and that is fine. That was not my intent. But I HAD to blog about it for the sheer WTF factor of it all.
A little nugget of wisdom/info/whatever I have for him and anyone else like him is this: Love the sinner, hate the sin.
If you truly think that someone is doing something wrong, chastising them for it will not improve their behavior.
***I am SOOOO not saying this because I want this person's acceptance! I'm just sayin is all.***
He said in a couple things that he is a saved Christian. All jokes and irritation aside, I am glad for him. But if he is trying to get others closer to God by doing what he is doing, he is actually causing much more harm than good.
PS- If I keep getting harassed by him on here I am going to copy and paste this blog as well as every comment I have ever gotten from him and send it to the blogspot.com/google administrators and try to get him booted off of here. This is not a threat, it's a promise. Pick your battles, buddy.
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