My Dream

I had the craziest/best dream today. (No, I don't say today because I sleep all day because I am a lazy bum, I work nights.) I dreamt I was in labor with Aaron's and my first child.
In the room was myself (obviously), Aaron (again), Kim, Autumn and Cassie. Sorry I drug you into it, Cassie! haha. Weird that no parents were there. Well I suppose they could have been, I remember more than anything a lot of chaos, people running around the room, a doctor putting on his gear very quickly, bright lights, me moaning loudly. I remember saying that I wanted an epidural, but Cassie told me that I couldn't because I was crowning. The awesome part was I remember that in my dream I was a sweaty, painful mess but I didn't feel any pain. Too bad it won't be like that when I am really in labor!
I pushed briefly, then had the baby. It was a little girl. I can see her cute little face in my head. I saw her perfectly in my dream. She had dark brown wavy hair that clung to her head and a cute little button nose. She was quiet and sweet and loved when I cuddled and fed her. She took immediately to breast feeding and that made her the happiest. In my dream I was SOOOO happy she was there, and walked with her and talked to her and stroked her soft hair.
Later in the dream I asked Aaron questions about labor because I didn't really remember anything. He said labor lasted about a minute (YEAH RIGHT. LOL) that it was so quick I barely made it to the hospital. I pushed one time and she was there.
The only other parts of my dream were weird. Autumn had the baby for a minute, and two other people were with her in a Jeep and they were all smoking. I was IRATE. I yelled "Why are you smoking in front of my newborn baby?" Autumn said that it was OK because she wasn't by it. They had my baby laying face down on the back seat of the Jeep with the top down. The sun was beating on her bare skin, all she had on was a diaper and a nightgown. Then one of the other girls that was in the Jeep smoking (someone I actually went to Nursing School with, that does not smoke in real life) was calling me a bitch for yelling at them for smoking around the baby. I was pissed. That part was stupid.
The dream was what I expect to be very realistic, apart from the labor going so quickly. I was walking around with her and once realized she was cold because her little feet were mottled and I felt horrible, like the worst Mom on Earth and that this poor child was stuck with me for a mother. I assume all first time Moms are like this. That's what the first time Moms at the hospital are like. =)
When I woke up I was happy because it was such a nice dream, and at the same time sad because it was just a dream. I loved that baby so much! It was like I was absolutely infatuated with her. I could have stared at her all day long and not gotten sick of it. Now I want that to be a reality. =(
Here's hoping it happens soon!!

Randomness

Here I sit in the stable vent unit at work. It is almost 3AM and I am SO tired I can barely stand it. But, I am getting holiday pay. So I will deal with it. I can do anything for 5 more hours, right??
It is funny, I thought I was paranoid about being pregnant BEFORE I started trying. Even worse now. I have pretty horrific PMS. Well actually, PMDD. Every month I get EVIL (unless I am on my meds, which are designed to help with the PMDD, which I kinda forgot to keep taking and now the half life of the med is gone so this month I am screwed), sore, hard, swollen boobs, bloating and nauseated. Well, pretty much all of those can be symptoms of pregnancy. Now that I actually WANT to get pregnant even though physically and mentally I am miserable there is a small part of me that is excited. I have taken 2 tests, both of which have been negative, but I don't think I am even due to start my period yet, so those aren't yet necessarily definitive. If I do this to myself every month this is going to be a very emotional rollercoaster type of thing for me. But how can a woman trying to conceive not feel like that? Ugh.
A friend of mine recently told me that a woman really isn't a woman until she has had a child. I SO do not agree with that. I almost felt it was a small dig in a weird way. She is not at all the type to be like that, but she has a kid, and I don't. What would you think? I think I am a real woman regardless if I use my uterus for it's intended purpose. So I might not have a kid (yet) but I do have a career, husband, loving family and friends, 2 fabulous dogs and a house. So bam. Don't know what made me think about that enough to write about it, but there ya go.
My poor step sister Sarah and her boyfriend's apartment got broken into in Alma, MI a couple days ago. They were both home, IN BED. Thank GOD the people weren't the killing type. Just the stealing all your shit type. I hope they get caught.
And my last random thought of the day. I am a lazy bastard. I can't seem to get myself off my couch on my days off and be productive. I would rather lay around then clean my house. I mean, I still do, but I have to battle myself to do it. Why? I so want to keep my house and car nice, but the effort I must put forth to do it seems soooo taxing. Is everyone else like this or am I as lazy as I thought?
OK, if I don't stop myself I am just going to babble on here all night for something to do. Hope everyone has a better Labor Day then I am having!

The bad part of being a nurse.

There's a little girl, about 3 or 4 years old, who has been coming to my floor of the hospital since she was probably around one or so. She has a chronic condition is basically fatal in infancy or early childhood. She is a very sweet, smart, funny girl who loved to dance and take walks through the halls. She has two parents that love her to peices, they are very proud and doting parents.
One of the nurse's aides ran into the Dad this morning on her way to work and told her that their little girl is in the ICU and probably will not make it through the day. That was surprising news to all of us, we didn't even think she was sick, she wasn't in to see us at all.
Well, I made the decision to go see her after work this morning before I went home. I decided I was going to because another patient who was always with us died on the 8th, and I didn't see him before he died and I regret it. It was my last day of work before a mini-vacation and I was in a hurry to get out of there, so I thought I would just see him when I came back to work a week later. He was in the PICU for a kidney and liver transplant, so I was hoping/expecting to see him when he pulled through and was on our floor again. After all, he always pulls through. Even though he was on ECMO, I assumed "oh, he will come out of it". Well unfortunately the next time I had a chance to "visit" him was at his viewing on the 15th.
Anyway, I visited the little girl on my way home and it was HORRIBLE. I forgot how bad it is to see kids in the PICU like that. I worked in a PICU at Children's in Detroit so I know what it's like, but since I don't work on that intensive of a floor anymore I guess I just don't think about it that much. I was only there for a couple minutes, long enough to give them my number (in case they need anything since they live close) and to stand there and awkwardly look for the right thing to say, while in my head paying my respects. I am not a cryer at work, but it took absolutely everything I had to not cry until I was out of the room. As soon as I was down the hall and out of sight I pretty much cried like a little bitch. It's not cool to see that. As I am sure you can imagine.
On my way to my car I couldn't get out quick enough. You know the scene of Grey's Anatomy when Christina gets stood up at her wedding, or the scene in the SATC movie when Carrie gets stood up at her wedding, and they want their dresses off immediately like it's burning their skin? Well that's kinda like how I felt when I was trying to get out of the hospital. The elevator couldn't come quickly enough. I hated feeling like the crying people I see often in the halls at work. I would rather be the nurse, when it's sad but doesn't penetrate into more than the poker face "work me". I hated that the parents of other sick children saw me crying. I am not sure why. I just re-read those last three sentences and wonder what a psychologist would say if I told him/her that... Hmmm... Food for thought...
I also felt mad at God. I do NOT like to feel like that. Even though I don't really go to Church I feel like God has a strong presence in my life, even if I don't talk about it. It's a me-Him thing I suppose. But come on? What God lets that little girl suffer? What God would allow those parents to go through the misery of watching their child be sick and then die? All I could think of was that it was complete bullshit and I was angry. I can't even begin to comprehend the anger and pain her parents must feel. They have to watch her die and then have her funeral, and then go home after it's all done and see their house, with her bedroom and everything she owned. Shoes at the front door, probably toys in the living room... ugh. I am pretty sure that if I had a child die I wouldn't be able to handle it and I would end up being an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. I have panic attacks over my dogs' health problems, if my child died... no. I would be done. So would Aaron.
I have since calmed down and am not angry at God anymore. There must be a reason, even if we don't understand it. All I know is I hope it's a good reason.
I hate blogging about stuff like this because when people read it they probably feel obligated to comment on it. I feel so much better to get this stuff off my chest though. I am not sure why writing it helps, but I am glad it does. Maybe I can get her out of my mind for more than 5 minutes when I am awake now. Here's hoping.
Something kind of interesting... I looked up her condition and there are 60 known cases of it. I have taken care of 2 children with it. Wow.
Next post will be something happy!