What a couple of weeks!

I have meant to blog several times in the last few weeks and have just not found the time/motivation to do it. So much has gone on!
Last Saturday my real estate agent called me and told me that my mortgage lender was ready to go through the short sale, as long as I sign a $20,000 promissary note. I would have to pay it over the next 15 years. That money could be a college fund for Isabella, or buy the new car I need, or it could be well spent in day care, diapers, etc. It is just not an option to pay these people that kind of money in this kind of economy. So needless to say, I am currently exploring other options and have seen a lawyer. I have another appointment with him on Wednesday. This likely will not end well. That's probably all I will be willing to discuss in a blog due to the nature of the situation along with my very hurt pride.
This past Tuesday Aaron went to work, just like every other morning. At 6:00AM my phone rang, it was Aaron. He called and told me that his car was pretty much fucked, that he was driving behind a truck and something fell off the truck and hit his car. His car made it to the side of the road and then stopped right away. So, I called work and drove out to get him. When I got there I just about died. In my head I imagined a F-150. No, it was an 18 wheeler. Apparently the guy driving the truck had his breaks fixed the day before, but the asses who did it did not tighten any bolts. Four of the bolts holding the tires on were completely stripped, and he had 4 blown tires. And the thing that fell off this guy's truck was apparently a part of his break or rotor, was about a foot long and about 4 inches wide of pure metal. Thank God it went under his car and destroyed his motor rather than through his wind shield and ruined his skull. A distance of a few feet is probably what made the difference between life and death for him. Not even being over dramatic here, if that thing hit him in the face going 70 miles an hour, he would not have survived that. Good Lord. I wanted to fucking strangle the truck driver, even though it wasn't really his fault I guess. He should have been more apologetic. He should have been kissing our asses. Providing he is telling the truth and it was a shop that did his breaks I know there is no reason to really blame him... but it was his truck that could have killed Aaron. I wanted to take a baseball bat to his face.
On the bright side, Aaron is fine. On the bright side again, I put rental coverage on Aaron's car insurance policy about a month ago... and thank God I did. He has had the rental since Tuesday, which we would have not been able to afford otherwise. I don't know if they have even started working on the car. State Farm is not sending an estimator out there to look at it until probably tomorrow. Not going to work is not an option for him, neither is it for me to not to go to work. Since we have no one here to depend on, I am glad we spent the few extra bucks per month on the insurance. I HATE not having friends or family here to depend on when shit hits the fan. But I digress, that is a whole different paragraph all together.
We have been calling our landlord for the last three week days in a row asking him to send someone over to look at the house. It was very poorly built and flies are able to crawl in and out at their convenience through our shitty, cheap, substandard windows. With a baby coming in 8-9 weeks, I am not cool with flies. Well I am not anyway, but I swear I am going to have a shit fit if I find a fly on my baby's bottle or binky. But I am sick of his bullshit and empty promises, so last night I went and bought caulk for the windows and door sealant for the uneven, shitty, substandard doors. It cost about $27, and I think I will subtract that amount from my next rent check and include the receipt in the envelope to give him the proof. Id that too ballsy? I think not. I think I am sick of this damn house. I think I am sick of asking for things and not getting them. I am sick of being fucked with. I definitely feel like a ticking time bomb over here.
The day after Aaron's car incident he was putting together and baby's bedroom furniture and hurt his back. So there the nursery is, filled with boxes, wood and other crap and most definitely NOT ready for an infant. It is stressing me the hell out! I want the room done! My baby deserves to have her room pretty and ready for her and there is nothing I can do about it. Aaron is working nights this month and is done about 12 hours for each shift he works. Damnit.
Between the car and the house(old house AND new house... PS there are several details I left out of this blog regarding the old house situation because I don't know exactly who reads this and who doesn't... ) I have been under a large amount of stress. Which brings me to the next dilemma. Since there is no explanation why it happened I am wondering if the stress has brought it on. This past weekend we have had storms, including some hail. Aaron called me at about 2AM and told me to pull my car into the car port so my car did not get hit with hail if we had any. So I went out there quickly, half running because it was drizzling and only one contact was working (fell asleep in them again) and I couldn't really be on snake/tarantula lookout. (They may not be in my yard, but I do NOT want to risk it. YUCK.) I pulled my car up and went inside to go back to sleep. I made a pit-stop at the bathroom and noticed a spot of bright red blood. It was about the size of the tip of my pinky finger. So no it was not big but it was enough to scare me. So I called the OB department at the hospital where I worked and they told me to come in. I was there for a couple hours and they sent me home saying everything was fine and they don't know what the bleeding was from. But I was not in labor, having had no contractions in the 2 hours I was on the monitor. The baby looked fine, I was fine besides being a little dehydrated. I had no ketones in my urine, which is good because ever since the gestational diabetes started I have had ketones. So hopefully that means I am on the road to having more controlled sugars and will stop losing weight. (So far I have lost 8-10 pounds, which the doctors are not happy about.)
On top of all this, the homesickness is just as bad now as it was when we first got here. It is not getting easier. Sometimes I think it is getting harder. Every time my tummy moves and no one is there to see it or feel it, it reminds me we are here alone and have no support system. When Isabella is born she is not going to know her family. She won't recognize her own grandparents when she sees them, not to mention her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It breaks my heart. I blame part of the reason why I am not as close to my family up in Michigan to being in England for the first few years, so no one was able to bond with me as an infant. All the other cousins were born and raised up there, and they are all closer to each other than I am. Don't get me wrong, we all love each other, I just didn't grow up up there and there is a difference. I don't want her to miss out like I did because she is so far away from her family, too. I feel like it is starting to affect me. I feel myself pulling away from potential social situations, which kinda scares me. Being a nurse I know the signs to watch out for regarding depression and I sometimes wonder if that is starting to happen to me. I have no idea how it couldn't really... I am isolated most of the time. I rarely see Aaron, and I never see any one else unless I am at work. And I am not particularly close to any of them. They are nice, but they are not my people. It's too different here. I want to go home. I can't say that enough.
I was on the phone with a very close friend tonight who was telling me about how it was so hard for her to juggle all the things she wants to do in her weekends, and how there is not enough time in the day to do all the social things she wants to do. I found it incredibly hard to feel sorry for her. Telling me that is like complaining to a starving person that you burnt the roof of your mouth on your sandwich. Oh, poor thing has so many fun things to do that there is not enough time to do them all. The highlight of my weekend was putting clothes on and going to Wal-Mart. I am not kidding. Well that and seeing Aaron and sitting with him for that half hour before he goes to sleep. That's when I get to cook for him. Yay. Not that I don't want my friend to tell me about her life, but damn. lol. I do want to hear about it. But hearing about all the fun people are having without us just makes me feel forgotten. But I wouldn't want people to not do things because we're not there. I don't know... I can't explain it. All I know is it is probably a lot of selfishness and self pity on my part. But at least I can admit it. I make no promises that it will change. Not till we come home again.
OK reading what I wrote is actually making me feel worse so I am going to quit while I am ahead! lol. I have to be at work at 5:45.... so I better get ready for bed.

What's been going on

These last couple weeks have been very busy. The days were filled with preparation of going to Michigan for our first visit home since we moved, as well as doctor's appointments, Aaron's car breaking down and trying to find someone in Uvalde who knows what to do with a Mazda, so on and so forth. It was busy, fun, and now wholly depressing since we are back home now and back to the regular grind. I am SO SICK of being ALONE. I miss my husband and our friends and family! Being in a house by myself is NOT how I like to spend my time. I am too social for this life I have now! People tell expectant couples to "live it up" before the baby gets here... but I would like to know how the hell I am supposed to do that when I am in a little town where I only know my co-workers, and they have full lives without extra time to entertain my sorry ass? In addition to this, Aaron and I rarely get to see each other. I cried more about that on our way back to Texas than I did about leaving everybody. The thought of coming back to this empty house while Aaron works just broke my heart. People might think "Oh well go out and make some friends!" Well that would be easier if there was somewhere to go to do that, or if the people in my town and I could both be fluent in the same language. It's not always the case. (Granted yes most young people to my knowledge are bilingual or just speak English...) I want our friends. Our families. I don't want to substitute for other peoples' friends and families. Granted the few friends we have here are great, I am not referring to them. Anyway... I could go on bitching about this for hours. I refuse to call Texas "home" because there is no way that home should be this unhappy. If I talk about home, you can assume I am talking about Michigan. If I talk about where I am now, or where I currently work, sleep, etc., that is Texas. I have tried to be positive, no I am not talking myself out of being comfortable here, no it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you think that it's just because you haven't been here yet! I wanna go HOME. Yes my job and house here are OK... but it's not home. I could have a mansion here and feel just as bad because there is no one to share it with. :(
Anyway... so more fun stuff, on April 20th I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. Yay! A day before I start my vacation I learn I get to poke myself with a needle 4+ times a day AND will likely be on insulin! Waa-Hoo! Throw in only having one car, sitting outside waiting for my husband who got stuck in traffic on his way home from work to pick me and and me ultimately calling a co-worker to pick me up while weeping like a crazy woman, it was a great day. Fabulous. But on the bright side, getting my equipment was pretty easy, 100% free thanks to my insurance, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. I made Aaron poke my finger for the first time, but after that I do it and its fine. I mean, I don't like it, but I will live. My numbers are high... fasting blood sugar should be less than 110 and this morning it was 133... even after a diabetic diet dinner (shit) but at least I am aware of it and am trying very hard (most of the time) to make the right decisions. It's not easy. I bought all this healthy crap yesterday after seeing the dietician. Basically the more fiber I have in my diet the more even my glucose will be. So I bought hippie wheat bread that has 5 grams of fiber per slice in it. It smells like wood, no joke. Opening the bag in the morning to make toast reminds me of being in shop class. But, no splinters yet so I will continue to eat it. She wants me to drink 24 ounces of milk a day which sounds LOVELY... I will happily oblige. Anything that is not water makes me happy!
Well I will blog more later, I have to get in the shower and get ready for my 11:20 OB appt. I have to shave and stuff. Since I am officially in my 3rd trimester I don't know what to expect. But I should at least be prepared in case he has to check my cervix. Ugh I hope not as he is a co-worker... LOL I don't know why I am worried about him checking my cervix when 1. he has already given me a pelvic exam and 2. he will be delivering my child and I will likely shit on his shoes. Ah well. The less amount of times he has to look at my genitals the happier I am.

Just some random thoughts.

I was listening to my ipod a few days ago and a Marilyn Manson (love!!!) song came on, so I blasted it as loud as my ears could handle. It reminded me of driving to one of my high risk appointments in San Antonio. I found a radio station there that literally played one ass-kicking song after another, and I was BLARING it with the windows down. For a few minutes I didn't think about home, or being sad, or anything negative. I was just loving it! But I kinda giggled to myself when I got out of the car in case anyone happened to be watching. Out of the car with the blaring heavy metal comes an obviously pregnant woman waddling to her doctors appointment. hahaha. I bet it looked amusing.
Then I thought about it. When I have the baby, I won't be able to blare the music when we are driving together, it'll frighten her. Then for a brief moment I *slightly* mourned the loss of that part of my life. I know I will get it back again one day. I know it sounds and is trivial, but lately my jollies are few and far between. In Uvalde we really don't get a radio station that isn't Tejano or static 50% of the time. So when I actually get a radio station that doesn't play crap AND that plays songs I like, I like to play it loud. :) Obviously having my baby and not scarring her for life is worth not playing the radio loud (I am not 15 anymore, lol) but it did make me realize (again) that I will have to lose/neglect certain parts of my personality in order to cultivate another. But I already know that it will be well worth it. Even admitting this makes me feel selfish and horrible. But I guess it's better to realize the limitations of the life I am about to embark on now than to learn because I did something bad, right?
And I am sure that the Wiggles will be JUST as gratifying as the Lest We Forget CD. :)
On a completely different note... I went to Church today for the first time in well over a year. (Bad me.) But hey I went and I enjoyed it. It's an Episcopalian Church that is less than a mile from my house. It was so similar to the Church we were married in back home that it almost made me teary eyed! But I had a good time. Aaron is not a churh-goer, so I did go by myself, but I met my co-worker Shanna and her family there. They were all very nice. It was a good experience and I hope to go back again soon and try to go regularly.
After Eucharist we sat down while the rest of the people went up and we sat in the pews and had some quiet/prayer time. They started playing a song and the first few motes of it sounded like "What if God was one of us?" by Joan Osborne and I almost lost it! It took almost everything in me not to LMAO!!! :)
OK well I am going to attempt to do house work, but more than likely will end up watching TV. Hope you all have a great Easter!

The movies I have seen today.

Aaron and I got Netflix this week. It is awesome. For $11 a month we can rent one DVD at a time to be delivered to our house and we can watch as many movies as we want on our PS3. This includes Blue Ray movies. Great deal, right? I recommend everyone gets it. It's way cheaper than going to Blockbuster, or even the RedBox if you're forgetful like me. Also, the selection on Netflix is like nothing you've seen before. Blockbuster and Redbox have next to nothing compared to Netflix.
Today I watched a couple of the movies that I know Aaron is not interested in, because he was at work all day. So first I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. That was gut wrenching. Poor little boys. Hell, poor every single person in that camp. I know this movie was fictional, but I am sure parts of it were accurate, like the way the nazis treat the Jews. Horrible. I can't understand how one man can turn a whole country into hating machines.... Wow. It is sickening. After I watched the movie I did a little research online and one person wrote that it wasn't as shocking to see the humans' ability to hate as much as the humans' ability to be indifferent. How true! You could smell the burning of the dead's bodies for miles, people were ran out of their houses, beaten, starved, shot for no reason, and people were capable of pretending they didn't see that?! I understand that any resistance to the "final solution" or lack of loyalty to the government could earn you a spot in a concentration camp too, but damn. I think I would just leave the damn country and never go back. When I think of stuff like that kind of cruelty, it seems like it should have taken place hundreds of years ago. But no, that happened in the 30's and 40's. My grandparents were alive when that happened. They probably heard about it on the radio. Especially my grandparents in England, since they were so much closer than the American grandparents. That's an assumption, I could be wrong. But going on how little the American media talks about what's going on in the Sudan today, I would assume the American media has always had a tendency to focus on American based issues more than global issues. If I want world news, I watch the BBC. Sad, huh? I am not a huge news buff by any means, but in the morning when I am getting ready for work on Channel 12 in San Antonio they don't seem to talk about anything outside of Bexar County. But if I watch BBC, I hear about global issues. Like I said, no expert over here but that's my experience.
The other movie I watched today was the Stoning of Soraya M. Wow, talk about assuming that kind of stuff happened hundreds of years ago. My Lord. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am to be an American woman. If I lived in Iran or another country like that (that practices stoning) I probably would have been dead long ago. I can't wrap my head around the fact that women are really, seriously seen as inferior in other places of the world. I guess that just shows how naive I truly am. I probably have no friggin clue what its like to actually suffer. Well thank God for that.
I wanted to put something on here that I got from The Global Campaign to Stop Killing and Stoning Women. http://www.stop-killing.org/home
"In the Iranian Penal Code, a married woman has no right to divorce, a privilege which is reserved for the husband. Women have no custody rights of their children after age seven; as a result, women who can obtain a divorce by proving their husbands are either abusive or an addict, choose not to do so fearing the loss of their children. A man can marry up to four wives simultaneously, and may establish a sexual relationship with any other single woman through a temporary marriage without the requirements of marriage registration, ceremony, or obligation to any possible child that may result. In addition, a woman is legally obliged to submit to her husband’s sexual demands and do her best to satisfy him sexually. Hence if a man is sexually unsatisfied or in an unhappy relationship, he has many avenues open to him to dissolve the marriage and/or satisfy his sexual needs in a temporary “marriage”. However, these legal options are denied to Iranian women, and a woman seeking alternative intimate relationships is, in the eyes of the law, “committing adultery”. "
I have three words to say about this: Oh. Hell. No.

All I know is I am SO thankful to be who and where I am today. Compared to those movies I saw today it could be SO much worse than I could ever ever ever imagine. I need to quit my bitching and be a little more appreciative.

The things people say...

Today I was at work taking a well needed rest because I had been on my feet since I got there at 6:45, and it was about 10:45AM. Usually we are slow but I had a patient getting a blood transfusion and I am super cautious when I give blood, so it took a lot of my time.
I was saying how yesterday I worked all day, came home and fed the dogs, went to the post office, spent an hour at Wal-Mart, came home, put the groceries away, cooked dinner and did dishes. I was going from about 6:30AM-6:30PM. In addition to having had a busy day, I am 22 weeks pregnant. I was tired!
I was saying this in our work area where several co-workers were, and one my co-workers informed me that "If you did what I do, you wouldn't be able to handle it." This is the same one who kept informing me in the beginning of my pregnancy that "it was going to be a long pregnancy" and rolling her eyes in disgust at me because I was tired. I have held my tongue for long enough. I am getting pissed now. So I told her that "Well, I guess it's just because I am not as cool as you." A nursing student laughed, and she said "Well, it's not that...I just live in the country, and blah blah blah" and I said "Yeah well that's why I don't live in the country. I don't DO outside." She is usually a nice lady but has no problem saying whats on her mind, and sometimes I think she says it before her mind has a chance to censor it. I think she could tell that she pissed me off, because the rest of the day she was ridiculously nice to me. Well I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you kinda put me in this position in the first place. If I am made to feel the need to defend myself, damnit I am going to! So I did!
Not even a half hour later, I was trying to squeeze my pregnant (and fat) ass in between a woman's (who I really do like) chair and a counter so I can get to the fridge and get another patient of mine some crackers. I said "Oh wow, this belly is taking up a lot of room." She found it necessary to tell me that "Well, you took up a lot of room before..." Really. You said that, huh. OK. Let it be known I NEVER EVER EVER make sure to tell people I know (or don't for that matter) that they are fat. Because I am no longer 6 years old, and that part of my brain that recognizes "rude things to say" and "polite things to say" developed. (Saying this reminds me of the time my Mom and Dad took my brother and me to Old Country Buffet and Brent said, pointing "Hey look at that BIG FAT GUY!!!" Yeah, I don't do that. But I digress...)
Later, when I was in the staff lounge at about 1:00PM eating lunch, our housekeeper and I were talking and she was giving me her point of view on how some people treat her as if she is inferior because she is a housekeeper, and that this is one of the reasons why she is going to school... so she doesn't have to clean up after people like that anymore. I have never treat her like that, we get along well, and I don't understand why someone would be like that. But anyhow... toward the end of the conversation she said to me "Well you and I are the two most imperfect people here, so you understand what I mean..." or something to that effect. I smile and say some socially acceptable response like "Uh-huh" or something like that... but on the inside I am thinking WTF do you people think I AM??!?!?!!! I never realized people had such shitty opinions about me! Before today I didn't realize I am seen as a lazy, fat leper! How funny, I had no idea. All this time I thought I was fucking fabulous... only to find out that indeed I am seen as the opposite of this. OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Oh, AND in the 5 months and 11 days I have lived here I have now been pulled over twice and got a parking ticket for blocking the sidewalk in the front of my house, which was written at 1:45 IN THE MORNING. I need to get back to Detroit, where there is real shit going on and no one cares if I am going 38 in a 30, even though I am approximately 500 feet ahead of the sign that says SPEED LIMIT 35 MPH. By the way, the cop that pulled me over pulled a U turn on the street, he was previously going about 35 mph himself, all just to give me a written warning and inform me of where EXACTLY the speed limit turns from 30 to 35. Seriously? Really? We live in a town where there are DEFINITELY illegal aliens, drug dealers (being so close to the border, of course it's ALL OVER) and KNOWN murderers (from what I am told) and you want to pull over a pregnant nurse on her way to work at 6:45 in the morning TWICE within about 3 months AND ticket me. OK, it all makes sense now. I am a threat to society. With my border patrol husband, my frightening self, and our paid on time bills, I am dangerous. Well, I MUST be since they are so concerned with me and not with the other criminals in town. Hey at least I know. :/
Well, having said that I am going to get ready for bed. I have a busy day of threatening the well-being of all in my town while I drive to work tomorrow and tormenting my co-workers with my lazy, fat hideous self. I need to get out of here.

The Name Game.

I have been thinking about middle names for the baby. With a long first name like Isabella and a three syllable last name, I think the middle name should be a one syllable name so its not overkill. Maybe a two syllable name if its a short name, like for example Renee.
So I would like some suggestions on middle names. Here are the ones I think sound good with Isabella.

-Jean (my American grandma's middle name) (Oh and PS my English Grandma's name is Mary Isabel so Isabella is practically a tribute! And that's awesome because she is the sweetest little soul to ever live.) I like this one but it is not my favorite and I think Aaron said no... but whateva.
-Grace (I love this one but it's our niece's middle name. We should't name thieve like that.)
-Taylor (My Mom's maiden name.)
-Renee (this is one of my oldest and best friend's daughter's middle name and she is a wonderful kid. So that would be cool too. :) )

People like to suggest things like Marie, Maria, Ann, etc. and those are so not me! There's nothing wrong with them, I just don't want to use them.
I was thinking it would be cool to give the baby's middle name a Texas influence... so I looked up the names of wild flowers that are indigenous to Texas. They were either long names or things that sounded ugly like Spiderwort or Rosinweed. OK, I kinda liked Primrose a little bit.... but it's weird and too long. Then I thought of Star, since this is the Lone Star State. But is that too hippy? Or does it sound like a hooker/stripper name? That is SOOO not the kind of name I am going for. I'm trying to think of a baby name, not a stage name!

This child sure does love my cervix. Feels like she is trying to kick or dig her way out. Sometimes it's a cute little reminder of her existence, and sometimes I feel like she is mad at me. Seriously child, why are you doing this to me? That is a sensitive place to be harshly prodded, from either direction. lol. It made me laugh today because it was like she was working out, about 12-15 kicks within a minute or two, then nothing. Nothing from her for an hour or two. Then she'll give the occasional nudge. Is that how all fetuses are? Or is mine a weirdo? Usually once a day I have a few minutes of hyper child, and then the rest of the day is occasional nudges, bumps etc. Either way, even if it hurts, I love it!
OK I feel like poo so I am going to lie down. Having stomach cramps like my body is trying to work on a barf. NOT cool. Now I feel a little hot and sweaty and have done absolutely nothing to feel this way. Great. Here's hoping its just from my guts being rearranged by the uterus and nothing more sinister. I don't have the PTO for sinister viruses.

Newest thoughts...

My latest facebook update was "Only 1 year, 2 months and 6 days till we can request a transfer back home. :) Is it bad that I am starting the countdown now?" I put this up here because I just went on realtor.com looking for rental homes in Belleville and Livonia. It scared me that the house I liked the most in Livonia in our price range wants a credit score/before they will consider you for the house. Don't these people get that the reason a lot of us are renting is because we had to lose our first house? Ugh. I have a feeling this is going to haunt me for a long time.
Aaron told me this weekend that his 2 years of service he has to put in before he can request a transfer started May 23, 2009 (when he started training) and NOT October 19, which was his first day on the job in Carizzo Springs. I was ELATED!! That (hopefully!) cuts 5 months off this sentence we have here! He could not have told me this news at a better time. It was a Sunday and we decided to go out to lunch, and I barely even wanted to go. The sadness of being here was getting to me. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and just stare at the wall. So instead of having 19 months now there are only 14. It's still a long time but it was a relief when I really needed it. It makes it seem easier to be here. :) But this is no guarantee... it only means he can request a transfer, it doesn't mean he'll get it. But there's hope. Turns out there are 4 places in Michigan in which he could potentially get transferred. Listed in order of my preference they are:
1. Detroit.
2. Port Huron.
3. Gibraltar.
4. Sault St. Marie. (I hope I spelled this right!)
Random thought here... I renewed my nursing license for the state of Michigan today. It lasts 2 years only, but I hope to be back in Michigan by then.
I want sooooo much to be able to go home. I know these blogs must seem like a broken record. But seriously if it doesn't have to do with going home back to my friends and family or Izzie, I am probably not thinking about it.
Rather than continue to battle with my wonderful yet not very um... house work friendly husband, I put an ad on Craigslist.com today looking for help with yard work and a housekeeper. I am offering $10/hr for the housekeeper and $15-20 per visit for the yard work. Does that seem fair?
OK even though I am not tired I need to do the dishes and get ready for bed.
Shit. Forgot to cook Aaron's dinner. Must go. :)