Read at your own risk...

Life

2010-09-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's getting harder and harder with every day to be in Texas. I am far away from everyone and everything I know. I have a baby that almost no one has met, and it kills me that her own family doesn't know her, apart from my mom, dad, step mom, mother in law and brother and sister. While I am SO grateful they have had the chance to meet her, there are so many more to go! Aaron works all the time, so not only do I have none of the comforts of home, but I am alone raising a baby *practically* by myself. Having said that though, Aaron is an excellent father and does tons for Izzie whenever he gets the chance. He adores his daughter, and it makes me love him even more than I did before I had her. :)
One of my friends posted this on facebook, and it made me think so I am going to re-post it and give my thoughts on it.
God sends us what we need just when we need it, sometimes He's early BUT He's never late! Remember that Andrea God will give you what you need to get out of that hell hole soon!

She made me think... maybe why we are here is because we needed to learn something different from the lives we were already living. Maybe we had to be in another environment to get something out of life that God thought we were lacking. So I am going to write a list of all the things I have learned here in hopes that God will read my list, decide we have done what needs to be done, and let us go home!!

1. I have learned how to say goodbye to (almost) everyone I love. It was painful, but I learned that I am strong enough to do it. I might not be happy, but I am surviving. I continue to exist.
2. I have learned that my husband and I are a strong couple that is very devoted to each other. This is one of those situations that will either "make or break" a couple, and it has just given more proof that we are meant to be together. That's a great feeling.
3. I have learned that I can get pregnant, because I did. I also learned what pregnancy is like, and I got the added bonus of high risk pregnancy. Yippee! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, it is the best thing I have ever done. I try not to complain because there are so many out there who can't get pregnant at all, I was one of the lucky ones.
4. I have learned what its like to be a mother and experience the most (in my opinion) powerful bond in the world. I don't care if everyone I know is crying, the ONLY one that is going to make my boobs leak is Isabella! Bonds don't get much stronger than that!!
5. I have learned some Spanish and been immersed in what I can only describe as a different culture.
6. I have learned what it feels like to be a minority.
7. I have gotten experience in pre and post operative nursing, including IV starts.
8. I got my first brown recluse bite here, super! :/
9. Two words: Frito Pie.
10. I learned to maneuver through San Antonio highways and traffic.
11. I have learned how to budget, finally. That lesson was a very tough one to learn!
12. I have never prayed this much in my life. While I have only gone to church once since I have been here, The Big Guy and I converse often. Well, I talk, He listens. I am waiting for a response!
13. I am still learning what it's like to live alone in a new place. Yes Aaron and I live together, but he works so much that I don't get to see him often. Most days I am alone. But when we do have the same days off it's great, we always try to make sure and enjoy our time together. So there's...
14. I am learning how to appreciate the small things. A lot of times those small things are all we get! Having dinner together at home and a half hour of sitting on the couch before one of us has to go to bed is often the only time we get together for a day or two. So our social life has gone from parties nearly every weekend and living close to lots of friends, to mac and cheese on the couch while watching an episode of SNL that is saved on the DVR. But when its all you get, you have to learn to appreciate it.
15. I have learned a little bit about respect here. I never realized it, but people from the North rarely use "Ma'am" and "Sir". Here that is just how you address people. And since I have seen that I will try to raise Isabella to address her elders saying Ma'am and Sir.

OK so I think it goes to show that in 10 1/2 months I have learned a lot. I have had a lot of life experiences here. So, that being said, hopefully God realizes this and decides that we have gone through enough and we deserve to go home. Fingers crossed!!!!

A site I visit... often.

2010-08-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.jarusa.com/daysuntil.htm

It makes me feel better to see the number get smaller every day. Then I use it to update my facebook page. I know it's pathetic. And I can almost guarantee you that you'd do the same thing if you were here!!!

Hello World!

2010-08-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well well well... it sure has been a long time since I have blogged. I have been a little busy with childbirth and a newborn and all. There have been several things I have thought to myself since last time, "Make sure to put that in your next blog!" but now there are so many that I would be on here all night blogging.
In a nutshell, Isabella Maria was born on July 13, 2010 at 4:27 AM emergency c-section. Before I go any further, let me paint a picture. The night before the induction I couldn't sleep. I was too excited. And I couldn't sleep all that day because I kept having visitors, plus I was excited, plus the cramps made me uncomfortable. So by the time all this excitement starting happening, I was spent! They induced me with Cytotec pills to ripen my cervix, which worked somewhat. They started at about 8:30AM and by 3:00AM the next morning (after having some pitocin too) I was dilated ALL THE WAY to 1.5 centimeters. Fun. Contractions suck, but I was lucky. Mine never got worse than period cramps. But it was period cramps that I had essentially all day, which never let up and it became extremely irritating. That and sleep deprivation made for a bitter Andrea.
Around 9:00PM they started the pitocin and Izzie almost immediately started acting different. Her heart rate went way high, in the 170-180 range. She is usually 130-150. It was like that for hours. They had my laying on my right side and gave me fluid resuscitation and 100% oxygen to try to make it better. The nurses assured me that sometimes babies react like this to pitocin and that it was OK. I was terrified. All I kept thinking was I went through so much work to get here, I am AT the finish line, you better not kill her now!! At about 11:00PM they gave me my epidural. When I say "they", I actually mean my co-worker Brady. lol. He was great. Great bedside manner. I felt very comfortable with him. Shortly after the epidural was when I had to lay on my right side, which may have contributed to future problems that I'll get into later.
The epidural went into a vein before it went into the right place, so I wonder if some of the meds (one of which was fentanyl, a potent narcotic) got in my blood stream. I am sure if that happened it was a minute amount. But if you add epidural plus the aforementioned sleep deprivation I felt loopy. Like, dreaming while awake, hallucination loopy. I kept waking Aaron up because I felt like I was dying whenever I started to fall asleep. I remember one of the "images" I had in my mind (my awake dreams, for lack of a better expression) was a combination of Will Ferrell and a teddy bear. Really? WTF!
My doctor came in later to check me and I told him I was scared that I did something wrong to cause this. Then I confessed that I had eaten feta cheese during my pregnancy (LMAO, looking back now he probably thought I was INSANE) and that I briefly had a tick on my neck (EEEWWW) over the weekend. I distinctly remember asking him if I could have gotten a "freaky tick disease" or a "feta cheese disease". Then I laughed because feta cheese disease rhymed. He laughed too. He probably wanted to smother me with my pillow. And I don't blame him. LOL. He assured me that the feta cheese in the US is pasteurized so it was OK, and he thinks the brief tick encounter was OK and in no way contributory to my situation.
He then checked me and saw that after all the meds I was only dilated to 1.5 cm, and with the way Izzie was acting he didn't think it was safe to try to go vaginally. I agreed, and we went ahead and did the c-section. By this point I was exhausted. To put it into perspective, they had to prep shave me (yes down there) and I slept through it. Then my manager wheeled me into the OR (did I ever mention that the hospital where I had Izzie is also the hospital where I work, and I work in Day Surgery? So the people in the OR are my co-workers? Yeah. Fun, huh? My boss and other co-workers saw my junk. Sigh...) I was half awake through a lot of the OR preparation but I remember telling them I could feel my legs and move them, despite being given a spinal dose of meds through my epidural. They said it was OK and that I would kick in soon. I said OK. I also remember being able to feel being prepped with the cold iodine solution.
Next thing I know Aaron is next to me, the blue sterile sheets are up and we're starting the c-section. I said "Ooh, I can feel that". They told me "Yes, you will feel a lot of pressure." But after a few seconds I was like, "Ow, ow ow, it hurts." I kept grimacing and complaining. I felt a hot burn at the same time that I heard the cautery machine go off and knew something was up. I told them I felt burning. They also used utensils like shoe horns to keep the incision open, and I felt it stretch my skin and click into place, complaining while it was going on. I was told if I kept having sensation that I would have to be put under general anesthesia. I told them to keep going because I wanted to be awake, and I wanted Aaron to see his daughter be born. Then I felt pain on my left side and said OUCH!. One of the doctors asked me what I felt, and I told him that he pinched me. No one said anything for a couple seconds, and then I was told again I might have to go under. I told them if they were almost done to just go ahead and do it. It wasn't painful as if I had no medicine at all, it felt like what I imagine it would feel like if I had been operated on my leg or hand after it fell asleep from being laid on wrong. The pain was not as bad as if I was just cut without warning, but it still was not fun. They told me they had only made the skin incision, nothing else had been done yet. So there was no way I was going to be able to make it without being put under, unless I was into severe pain (which I am NOT). I remember telling my boss I was scared, and I think she held my hand. They put the mask on me, pushed on my throat so I didn't vomit and get it in my lungs, and I was out shortly thereafter.
Next thing I know, I wake up to "You have a beautiful baby girl!" from Brady. I try to talk but have an oral airway in my mouth in case I needed to be reintubated. I later learned that I am just FULL of surprises. I was difficult to intubate. They gave me the propofol to knock me out and then couldn't get the ET tube in. They had to use 2 types of blades before they could get my airway in. The prolonged time to intubate me made it so that Izzie was exposed to my medicine, and she was sleepy when she was born. That made her Apgar scores 6 at 1 minute and then 9 at 5 minutes. Turns out she also had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck twice, which was why I wasn't dilating. She was otherwise fine. Poor baby!
After surgery I needed oxygen for longer than was expected, but I was OK. Turns out I was a difficult intubation because, for lack of better explanation. I am fat and more so because of the pregnancy, have a short neck and a big fat tongue. Now am I or am I not the EPITOME of sex appeal? LMAO. (I would like to use this opportunity to say now that I gained a total of 10 pounds during the pregnancy and now am 25 pounds less than I was when I got pregnant so HA! I wasn't that fat, just unfortunately shaped. Not sure if that makes it better...)
I woke up in the PACU to my manager being my nurse and my coworkers seeing me. It was nice to see friendly faces, even though I was stoned. It must have been weird for them to see a coworker in the place where usually strangers are. But everyone was great. After I was extubated I sounded all hoarse and had to cough, which sucked because I felt like if I coughed I was gonna shoot my uterus out. I remember telling my coworkers that I sounded like a sorority girl that drank and smoked too much. LOL. I shouldn't have been allowed to talk after all those meds!
Then FINALLY I got to see my baby. She was so little and cute. Aaron was holding her. She was all wrapped up in a blanket with a little hat. She looked just like her daddy! Now she looks more like me, but not in the beginning! :)
OK so much for not blogging much. Izzie has been asleep for the last hour and I am going to quit being a fool and go lie down until it's time for her next feed.
In short, Isabella is wonderful, healthy, beautiful and a joy to have. She was worth every poke, prod and tear. I would do it for her all over again without hesitation. I suppose I will do it one more time so I can have a second child. But two is my max, unless I get a multiple pregnancy. Pregnancy does not like my body, although I loved being pregnant.
OK seriously, lying down now!

Final Thoughts on Pregnancy

2010-07-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

In a week from today I will be in the hospital being induced so I can have my little girl. Time has FLOWN by! I know I thought it would take forever to get here, and now I can definitely say that I was wrong.
It's kinda funny how many emotions I am experiencing right now. I am SOOO excited to meet my baby, see what she looks like, kiss and hug her, etc. I am scared for the labor. I am scared of the responsibility of being another person's eyes and ears for the next however many years of her life... because I am petrified of hurting her. I have wanted this for so long and have finally been blessed with it, but still I am nervous about it. I am a little sad too, because in a way I don't want the pregnancy to be over. I mean, I know I can't live this way forever (and I certainly don't want to either, haha!) but I will miss having her so close to me. I imagine what it will be like when they take her away to weight and measure her, and give her a quick health assessment and it makes me sad because I want to have her with me for those first few minutes. As of right now I know her better than anyone else in the world. Part of me doesn't want to share that. One day I will be her lame ass mom who is embarrassing and so mean and doesn't get it... but right now we're like a little team. I know there will be years of me being cool, and fun, and the best cook ever (poor unknowing soul, haha) but I dread the day when she would rather talk to her friend than her Mom. Am I ridiculous or what? I am literally crying while I type this. Stupid emotional cow. LOL.

Updates on Kiki

2010-06-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

On July 12th I will be getting induced, providing Isabella does not make her appearance on her own before that. That is only 36 short days away! Holy crap! Don't get me wrong I can't wait to meet her, and I can't wait to not be in pain anymore, but seriously... this shit is REAL! LOL. In reality I know it has been all along, but now its coming down to the crunch time. It's really going to happen... and its going to be sooner rather than later. I am going to be in some serious pain very soon. Whether it be ripping vaginal pain or lower abdominal incisional pain... there is no way around it. She's coming out, and it is not going to tickle. But even though I haven't actually even met her yet, I already love her and know that is is worth it any pain that's coming my way. I compare this in a way to when you're getting something waxed and the beautician sticks that warm stuff on your skin and attaches the paper to it. Well, you can't walk around with that thing on for the rest of your life. You have officially hit the point of no return. So even though you knowingly walked into the salon requesting this be done... you still think "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccckkk..." in those moments before she holds your skin taut and RIP! off it comes. But the funny thing is the labor should really be the least of my worries. After that's done, I have a brand new infant who is solely dependent on her father and me. I am a nurse, so I know how to not kill people, (thank sweet baby Jesus) I just hope I don't screw her up in some way. Whenever I make comments on facebook about my concerns people sound pretty convinced that I will indeed not kill or maim my baby. The reassurance is nice. But no matter what people tell me, I am sure I am going to worry. I mean, how can you be a first time parent and NOT worry? It's the biggest, most important job you ever have... I hope that apprehension is a sign of taking it seriously.
I keep having dreams about her. Usually its a baby whose face I do not see, but I dream about holding her. I've had a few labor dreams too, where I go to the bathroom and see blood and know that I am ready to have her, but the pain hasn't started yet. Kinda funny that my brain is not filling out the blanks for me. You'd think my subconscious would try to answer the questions in my mind. Instead it is reiterating to me the things I do not know yet. Like, yep, there is a baby in there. And we don't know what she looks like. And yep, you're gonna have labor pains. But I can't tell you what its going to feel like.
We are just about done preparing for her arrival. This past week we have rearranged the computer room to fit a twin sized bed in there for when our Moms come to visit. We also got the house sprayed for bugs (again) because apparently there is a big flea and tick problem here (yuck) and I don't want to deal with it. So they sprayed the house inside and out. Bear and Harvey are on a pill called comfortis that kills fleas that they take monthly like the heartworm medicine. They are also sporting some new flea and tick collars AND are getting another flea bath on Wednesday. I don't think they have fleas but I also don't want to later discover that I was wrong. The baby's furniture is all put together, clothes are washed, dried, folded and put away, and today I will be cleaning and making her bed. I know her mattress is clean because it is brand new, but it still has to be wiped down with some bleach wipes or else I won't quite be comfortable. I suppose this is all nesting? Now all that is left before she gets here is I would like to rent a carpet cleaner and give the carpet a good once over and get our cars detailed so they are clean for her ride home. Oh, and the birthing class on June 19th, and putting her carseat/stroller combo together soon. My Mommy bag and her diaper bag are both packed too, so we are pretty much ready to go.
We STILL don't have a middle name picked out. Aaron is too damn picky. I like Renee, Joy, Maria, Rose, Grace (but am trying not to steal family names) and Marley. I kinda like Eden and Gianna, too. Aaron hasn't been crazy about any of these, of course. He likes Christine. So do I, but we still aren't completely sold on it. Ugh. The kid HAS to have a full name before we take her home. So that is another thing we are working on.
Until she is born I have to have non-stress tests every Tuesday and Friday, just to make sure everything is OK. I also have weekly doctor appointments and will be having ultrasounds every 2 weeks to check my amniotic fluid index. If she has plenty of amniotic fluid then that is a sign that the placenta is functioning properly. Apparently women with gestational diabetes tend to have problems with the placentas "stroking out" as my doctor put it, and the babies "start dying toward the end of the pregnancy.". So needless to say, bring on the ultrasounds. :)
I am SO incredibly thankful that I could get pregnant, and this has been the best experience of my life, hands-down no doubt about it. But I am beginning to understand why women look forward to the pregnancy being over. I am swollen, my feet and pelvis are sore, I am tired, and I pee constantly.
Last night I think the baby was on my bladder, because I had to pee SO BADLY and it took forever to empty my bladder. I think I could have spit faster than the stream of urine I was able to produce. In the middle of it the stream actually stopped twice and then restarted. It was tortuous! LOL I woke up from falling asleep to TV on the couch, hobbled to the bathroom with only one eye open because I fell asleep in my contacts, and peed for what seemed like an eternity. It felt so unfair- there was SO much in there and my body was so reluctant to let it go. I leaned forward, backwards, sideways, all trying to move the baby off my bladder and let it out. No luck. And of course I didn't close the bathroom door because I was half awake and there was a sense of urgency, so I had to do all this while petting Bear. He loves it when we pet his butt, so I had to pat his ass while trying to relieve the discomfort. I am laughing out loud as I type this now because I can see the humor now that my bladder is empty and both eyes are open... but at the time it was bad sensory overload. LOL. It reminds me of something that might happen on "Everybody Loves Raymond".
I hear the couch calling me. It is time to get off this computer because my feet are swelling more as I sit here, and I feel crampy. Time to relax some more.

What a couple of weeks!

2010-05-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have meant to blog several times in the last few weeks and have just not found the time/motivation to do it. So much has gone on!
Last Saturday my real estate agent called me and told me that my mortgage lender was ready to go through the short sale, as long as I sign a $20,000 promissary note. I would have to pay it over the next 15 years. That money could be a college fund for Isabella, or buy the new car I need, or it could be well spent in day care, diapers, etc. It is just not an option to pay these people that kind of money in this kind of economy. So needless to say, I am currently exploring other options and have seen a lawyer. I have another appointment with him on Wednesday. This likely will not end well. That's probably all I will be willing to discuss in a blog due to the nature of the situation along with my very hurt pride.
This past Tuesday Aaron went to work, just like every other morning. At 6:00AM my phone rang, it was Aaron. He called and told me that his car was pretty much fucked, that he was driving behind a truck and something fell off the truck and hit his car. His car made it to the side of the road and then stopped right away. So, I called work and drove out to get him. When I got there I just about died. In my head I imagined a F-150. No, it was an 18 wheeler. Apparently the guy driving the truck had his breaks fixed the day before, but the asses who did it did not tighten any bolts. Four of the bolts holding the tires on were completely stripped, and he had 4 blown tires. And the thing that fell off this guy's truck was apparently a part of his break or rotor, was about a foot long and about 4 inches wide of pure metal. Thank God it went under his car and destroyed his motor rather than through his wind shield and ruined his skull. A distance of a few feet is probably what made the difference between life and death for him. Not even being over dramatic here, if that thing hit him in the face going 70 miles an hour, he would not have survived that. Good Lord. I wanted to fucking strangle the truck driver, even though it wasn't really his fault I guess. He should have been more apologetic. He should have been kissing our asses. Providing he is telling the truth and it was a shop that did his breaks I know there is no reason to really blame him... but it was his truck that could have killed Aaron. I wanted to take a baseball bat to his face.
On the bright side, Aaron is fine. On the bright side again, I put rental coverage on Aaron's car insurance policy about a month ago... and thank God I did. He has had the rental since Tuesday, which we would have not been able to afford otherwise. I don't know if they have even started working on the car. State Farm is not sending an estimator out there to look at it until probably tomorrow. Not going to work is not an option for him, neither is it for me to not to go to work. Since we have no one here to depend on, I am glad we spent the few extra bucks per month on the insurance. I HATE not having friends or family here to depend on when shit hits the fan. But I digress, that is a whole different paragraph all together.
We have been calling our landlord for the last three week days in a row asking him to send someone over to look at the house. It was very poorly built and flies are able to crawl in and out at their convenience through our shitty, cheap, substandard windows. With a baby coming in 8-9 weeks, I am not cool with flies. Well I am not anyway, but I swear I am going to have a shit fit if I find a fly on my baby's bottle or binky. But I am sick of his bullshit and empty promises, so last night I went and bought caulk for the windows and door sealant for the uneven, shitty, substandard doors. It cost about $27, and I think I will subtract that amount from my next rent check and include the receipt in the envelope to give him the proof. Id that too ballsy? I think not. I think I am sick of this damn house. I think I am sick of asking for things and not getting them. I am sick of being fucked with. I definitely feel like a ticking time bomb over here.
The day after Aaron's car incident he was putting together and baby's bedroom furniture and hurt his back. So there the nursery is, filled with boxes, wood and other crap and most definitely NOT ready for an infant. It is stressing me the hell out! I want the room done! My baby deserves to have her room pretty and ready for her and there is nothing I can do about it. Aaron is working nights this month and is done about 12 hours for each shift he works. Damnit.
Between the car and the house(old house AND new house... PS there are several details I left out of this blog regarding the old house situation because I don't know exactly who reads this and who doesn't... ) I have been under a large amount of stress. Which brings me to the next dilemma. Since there is no explanation why it happened I am wondering if the stress has brought it on. This past weekend we have had storms, including some hail. Aaron called me at about 2AM and told me to pull my car into the car port so my car did not get hit with hail if we had any. So I went out there quickly, half running because it was drizzling and only one contact was working (fell asleep in them again) and I couldn't really be on snake/tarantula lookout. (They may not be in my yard, but I do NOT want to risk it. YUCK.) I pulled my car up and went inside to go back to sleep. I made a pit-stop at the bathroom and noticed a spot of bright red blood. It was about the size of the tip of my pinky finger. So no it was not big but it was enough to scare me. So I called the OB department at the hospital where I worked and they told me to come in. I was there for a couple hours and they sent me home saying everything was fine and they don't know what the bleeding was from. But I was not in labor, having had no contractions in the 2 hours I was on the monitor. The baby looked fine, I was fine besides being a little dehydrated. I had no ketones in my urine, which is good because ever since the gestational diabetes started I have had ketones. So hopefully that means I am on the road to having more controlled sugars and will stop losing weight. (So far I have lost 8-10 pounds, which the doctors are not happy about.)
On top of all this, the homesickness is just as bad now as it was when we first got here. It is not getting easier. Sometimes I think it is getting harder. Every time my tummy moves and no one is there to see it or feel it, it reminds me we are here alone and have no support system. When Isabella is born she is not going to know her family. She won't recognize her own grandparents when she sees them, not to mention her aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It breaks my heart. I blame part of the reason why I am not as close to my family up in Michigan to being in England for the first few years, so no one was able to bond with me as an infant. All the other cousins were born and raised up there, and they are all closer to each other than I am. Don't get me wrong, we all love each other, I just didn't grow up up there and there is a difference. I don't want her to miss out like I did because she is so far away from her family, too. I feel like it is starting to affect me. I feel myself pulling away from potential social situations, which kinda scares me. Being a nurse I know the signs to watch out for regarding depression and I sometimes wonder if that is starting to happen to me. I have no idea how it couldn't really... I am isolated most of the time. I rarely see Aaron, and I never see any one else unless I am at work. And I am not particularly close to any of them. They are nice, but they are not my people. It's too different here. I want to go home. I can't say that enough.
I was on the phone with a very close friend tonight who was telling me about how it was so hard for her to juggle all the things she wants to do in her weekends, and how there is not enough time in the day to do all the social things she wants to do. I found it incredibly hard to feel sorry for her. Telling me that is like complaining to a starving person that you burnt the roof of your mouth on your sandwich. Oh, poor thing has so many fun things to do that there is not enough time to do them all. The highlight of my weekend was putting clothes on and going to Wal-Mart. I am not kidding. Well that and seeing Aaron and sitting with him for that half hour before he goes to sleep. That's when I get to cook for him. Yay. Not that I don't want my friend to tell me about her life, but damn. lol. I do want to hear about it. But hearing about all the fun people are having without us just makes me feel forgotten. But I wouldn't want people to not do things because we're not there. I don't know... I can't explain it. All I know is it is probably a lot of selfishness and self pity on my part. But at least I can admit it. I make no promises that it will change. Not till we come home again.
OK reading what I wrote is actually making me feel worse so I am going to quit while I am ahead! lol. I have to be at work at 5:45.... so I better get ready for bed.

What's been going on

2010-04-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

These last couple weeks have been very busy. The days were filled with preparation of going to Michigan for our first visit home since we moved, as well as doctor's appointments, Aaron's car breaking down and trying to find someone in Uvalde who knows what to do with a Mazda, so on and so forth. It was busy, fun, and now wholly depressing since we are back home now and back to the regular grind. I am SO SICK of being ALONE. I miss my husband and our friends and family! Being in a house by myself is NOT how I like to spend my time. I am too social for this life I have now! People tell expectant couples to "live it up" before the baby gets here... but I would like to know how the hell I am supposed to do that when I am in a little town where I only know my co-workers, and they have full lives without extra time to entertain my sorry ass? In addition to this, Aaron and I rarely get to see each other. I cried more about that on our way back to Texas than I did about leaving everybody. The thought of coming back to this empty house while Aaron works just broke my heart. People might think "Oh well go out and make some friends!" Well that would be easier if there was somewhere to go to do that, or if the people in my town and I could both be fluent in the same language. It's not always the case. (Granted yes most young people to my knowledge are bilingual or just speak English...) I want our friends. Our families. I don't want to substitute for other peoples' friends and families. Granted the few friends we have here are great, I am not referring to them. Anyway... I could go on bitching about this for hours. I refuse to call Texas "home" because there is no way that home should be this unhappy. If I talk about home, you can assume I am talking about Michigan. If I talk about where I am now, or where I currently work, sleep, etc., that is Texas. I have tried to be positive, no I am not talking myself out of being comfortable here, no it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you think that it's just because you haven't been here yet! I wanna go HOME. Yes my job and house here are OK... but it's not home. I could have a mansion here and feel just as bad because there is no one to share it with. :(
Anyway... so more fun stuff, on April 20th I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. Yay! A day before I start my vacation I learn I get to poke myself with a needle 4+ times a day AND will likely be on insulin! Waa-Hoo! Throw in only having one car, sitting outside waiting for my husband who got stuck in traffic on his way home from work to pick me and and me ultimately calling a co-worker to pick me up while weeping like a crazy woman, it was a great day. Fabulous. But on the bright side, getting my equipment was pretty easy, 100% free thanks to my insurance, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. I made Aaron poke my finger for the first time, but after that I do it and its fine. I mean, I don't like it, but I will live. My numbers are high... fasting blood sugar should be less than 110 and this morning it was 133... even after a diabetic diet dinner (shit) but at least I am aware of it and am trying very hard (most of the time) to make the right decisions. It's not easy. I bought all this healthy crap yesterday after seeing the dietician. Basically the more fiber I have in my diet the more even my glucose will be. So I bought hippie wheat bread that has 5 grams of fiber per slice in it. It smells like wood, no joke. Opening the bag in the morning to make toast reminds me of being in shop class. But, no splinters yet so I will continue to eat it. She wants me to drink 24 ounces of milk a day which sounds LOVELY... I will happily oblige. Anything that is not water makes me happy!
Well I will blog more later, I have to get in the shower and get ready for my 11:20 OB appt. I have to shave and stuff. Since I am officially in my 3rd trimester I don't know what to expect. But I should at least be prepared in case he has to check my cervix. Ugh I hope not as he is a co-worker... LOL I don't know why I am worried about him checking my cervix when 1. he has already given me a pelvic exam and 2. he will be delivering my child and I will likely shit on his shoes. Ah well. The less amount of times he has to look at my genitals the happier I am.

Just some random thoughts.

2010-04-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

I was listening to my ipod a few days ago and a Marilyn Manson (love!!!) song came on, so I blasted it as loud as my ears could handle. It reminded me of driving to one of my high risk appointments in San Antonio. I found a radio station there that literally played one ass-kicking song after another, and I was BLARING it with the windows down. For a few minutes I didn't think about home, or being sad, or anything negative. I was just loving it! But I kinda giggled to myself when I got out of the car in case anyone happened to be watching. Out of the car with the blaring heavy metal comes an obviously pregnant woman waddling to her doctors appointment. hahaha. I bet it looked amusing.
Then I thought about it. When I have the baby, I won't be able to blare the music when we are driving together, it'll frighten her. Then for a brief moment I *slightly* mourned the loss of that part of my life. I know I will get it back again one day. I know it sounds and is trivial, but lately my jollies are few and far between. In Uvalde we really don't get a radio station that isn't Tejano or static 50% of the time. So when I actually get a radio station that doesn't play crap AND that plays songs I like, I like to play it loud. :) Obviously having my baby and not scarring her for life is worth not playing the radio loud (I am not 15 anymore, lol) but it did make me realize (again) that I will have to lose/neglect certain parts of my personality in order to cultivate another. But I already know that it will be well worth it. Even admitting this makes me feel selfish and horrible. But I guess it's better to realize the limitations of the life I am about to embark on now than to learn because I did something bad, right?
And I am sure that the Wiggles will be JUST as gratifying as the Lest We Forget CD. :)
On a completely different note... I went to Church today for the first time in well over a year. (Bad me.) But hey I went and I enjoyed it. It's an Episcopalian Church that is less than a mile from my house. It was so similar to the Church we were married in back home that it almost made me teary eyed! But I had a good time. Aaron is not a churh-goer, so I did go by myself, but I met my co-worker Shanna and her family there. They were all very nice. It was a good experience and I hope to go back again soon and try to go regularly.
After Eucharist we sat down while the rest of the people went up and we sat in the pews and had some quiet/prayer time. They started playing a song and the first few motes of it sounded like "What if God was one of us?" by Joan Osborne and I almost lost it! It took almost everything in me not to LMAO!!! :)
OK well I am going to attempt to do house work, but more than likely will end up watching TV. Hope you all have a great Easter!

The movies I have seen today.

2010-03-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I got Netflix this week. It is awesome. For $11 a month we can rent one DVD at a time to be delivered to our house and we can watch as many movies as we want on our PS3. This includes Blue Ray movies. Great deal, right? I recommend everyone gets it. It's way cheaper than going to Blockbuster, or even the RedBox if you're forgetful like me. Also, the selection on Netflix is like nothing you've seen before. Blockbuster and Redbox have next to nothing compared to Netflix.
Today I watched a couple of the movies that I know Aaron is not interested in, because he was at work all day. So first I watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. That was gut wrenching. Poor little boys. Hell, poor every single person in that camp. I know this movie was fictional, but I am sure parts of it were accurate, like the way the nazis treat the Jews. Horrible. I can't understand how one man can turn a whole country into hating machines.... Wow. It is sickening. After I watched the movie I did a little research online and one person wrote that it wasn't as shocking to see the humans' ability to hate as much as the humans' ability to be indifferent. How true! You could smell the burning of the dead's bodies for miles, people were ran out of their houses, beaten, starved, shot for no reason, and people were capable of pretending they didn't see that?! I understand that any resistance to the "final solution" or lack of loyalty to the government could earn you a spot in a concentration camp too, but damn. I think I would just leave the damn country and never go back. When I think of stuff like that kind of cruelty, it seems like it should have taken place hundreds of years ago. But no, that happened in the 30's and 40's. My grandparents were alive when that happened. They probably heard about it on the radio. Especially my grandparents in England, since they were so much closer than the American grandparents. That's an assumption, I could be wrong. But going on how little the American media talks about what's going on in the Sudan today, I would assume the American media has always had a tendency to focus on American based issues more than global issues. If I want world news, I watch the BBC. Sad, huh? I am not a huge news buff by any means, but in the morning when I am getting ready for work on Channel 12 in San Antonio they don't seem to talk about anything outside of Bexar County. But if I watch BBC, I hear about global issues. Like I said, no expert over here but that's my experience.
The other movie I watched today was the Stoning of Soraya M. Wow, talk about assuming that kind of stuff happened hundreds of years ago. My Lord. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am to be an American woman. If I lived in Iran or another country like that (that practices stoning) I probably would have been dead long ago. I can't wrap my head around the fact that women are really, seriously seen as inferior in other places of the world. I guess that just shows how naive I truly am. I probably have no friggin clue what its like to actually suffer. Well thank God for that.
I wanted to put something on here that I got from The Global Campaign to Stop Killing and Stoning Women. http://www.stop-killing.org/home
"In the Iranian Penal Code, a married woman has no right to divorce, a privilege which is reserved for the husband. Women have no custody rights of their children after age seven; as a result, women who can obtain a divorce by proving their husbands are either abusive or an addict, choose not to do so fearing the loss of their children. A man can marry up to four wives simultaneously, and may establish a sexual relationship with any other single woman through a temporary marriage without the requirements of marriage registration, ceremony, or obligation to any possible child that may result. In addition, a woman is legally obliged to submit to her husband’s sexual demands and do her best to satisfy him sexually. Hence if a man is sexually unsatisfied or in an unhappy relationship, he has many avenues open to him to dissolve the marriage and/or satisfy his sexual needs in a temporary “marriage”. However, these legal options are denied to Iranian women, and a woman seeking alternative intimate relationships is, in the eyes of the law, “committing adultery”. "
I have three words to say about this: Oh. Hell. No.

All I know is I am SO thankful to be who and where I am today. Compared to those movies I saw today it could be SO much worse than I could ever ever ever imagine. I need to quit my bitching and be a little more appreciative.

The things people say...

2010-03-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today I was at work taking a well needed rest because I had been on my feet since I got there at 6:45, and it was about 10:45AM. Usually we are slow but I had a patient getting a blood transfusion and I am super cautious when I give blood, so it took a lot of my time.
I was saying how yesterday I worked all day, came home and fed the dogs, went to the post office, spent an hour at Wal-Mart, came home, put the groceries away, cooked dinner and did dishes. I was going from about 6:30AM-6:30PM. In addition to having had a busy day, I am 22 weeks pregnant. I was tired!
I was saying this in our work area where several co-workers were, and one my co-workers informed me that "If you did what I do, you wouldn't be able to handle it." This is the same one who kept informing me in the beginning of my pregnancy that "it was going to be a long pregnancy" and rolling her eyes in disgust at me because I was tired. I have held my tongue for long enough. I am getting pissed now. So I told her that "Well, I guess it's just because I am not as cool as you." A nursing student laughed, and she said "Well, it's not that...I just live in the country, and blah blah blah" and I said "Yeah well that's why I don't live in the country. I don't DO outside." She is usually a nice lady but has no problem saying whats on her mind, and sometimes I think she says it before her mind has a chance to censor it. I think she could tell that she pissed me off, because the rest of the day she was ridiculously nice to me. Well I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you kinda put me in this position in the first place. If I am made to feel the need to defend myself, damnit I am going to! So I did!
Not even a half hour later, I was trying to squeeze my pregnant (and fat) ass in between a woman's (who I really do like) chair and a counter so I can get to the fridge and get another patient of mine some crackers. I said "Oh wow, this belly is taking up a lot of room." She found it necessary to tell me that "Well, you took up a lot of room before..." Really. You said that, huh. OK. Let it be known I NEVER EVER EVER make sure to tell people I know (or don't for that matter) that they are fat. Because I am no longer 6 years old, and that part of my brain that recognizes "rude things to say" and "polite things to say" developed. (Saying this reminds me of the time my Mom and Dad took my brother and me to Old Country Buffet and Brent said, pointing "Hey look at that BIG FAT GUY!!!" Yeah, I don't do that. But I digress...)
Later, when I was in the staff lounge at about 1:00PM eating lunch, our housekeeper and I were talking and she was giving me her point of view on how some people treat her as if she is inferior because she is a housekeeper, and that this is one of the reasons why she is going to school... so she doesn't have to clean up after people like that anymore. I have never treat her like that, we get along well, and I don't understand why someone would be like that. But anyhow... toward the end of the conversation she said to me "Well you and I are the two most imperfect people here, so you understand what I mean..." or something to that effect. I smile and say some socially acceptable response like "Uh-huh" or something like that... but on the inside I am thinking WTF do you people think I AM??!?!?!!! I never realized people had such shitty opinions about me! Before today I didn't realize I am seen as a lazy, fat leper! How funny, I had no idea. All this time I thought I was fucking fabulous... only to find out that indeed I am seen as the opposite of this. OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Oh, AND in the 5 months and 11 days I have lived here I have now been pulled over twice and got a parking ticket for blocking the sidewalk in the front of my house, which was written at 1:45 IN THE MORNING. I need to get back to Detroit, where there is real shit going on and no one cares if I am going 38 in a 30, even though I am approximately 500 feet ahead of the sign that says SPEED LIMIT 35 MPH. By the way, the cop that pulled me over pulled a U turn on the street, he was previously going about 35 mph himself, all just to give me a written warning and inform me of where EXACTLY the speed limit turns from 30 to 35. Seriously? Really? We live in a town where there are DEFINITELY illegal aliens, drug dealers (being so close to the border, of course it's ALL OVER) and KNOWN murderers (from what I am told) and you want to pull over a pregnant nurse on her way to work at 6:45 in the morning TWICE within about 3 months AND ticket me. OK, it all makes sense now. I am a threat to society. With my border patrol husband, my frightening self, and our paid on time bills, I am dangerous. Well, I MUST be since they are so concerned with me and not with the other criminals in town. Hey at least I know. :/
Well, having said that I am going to get ready for bed. I have a busy day of threatening the well-being of all in my town while I drive to work tomorrow and tormenting my co-workers with my lazy, fat hideous self. I need to get out of here.

The Name Game.

2010-03-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about middle names for the baby. With a long first name like Isabella and a three syllable last name, I think the middle name should be a one syllable name so its not overkill. Maybe a two syllable name if its a short name, like for example Renee.
So I would like some suggestions on middle names. Here are the ones I think sound good with Isabella.

-Jean (my American grandma's middle name) (Oh and PS my English Grandma's name is Mary Isabel so Isabella is practically a tribute! And that's awesome because she is the sweetest little soul to ever live.) I like this one but it is not my favorite and I think Aaron said no... but whateva.
-Grace (I love this one but it's our niece's middle name. We should't name thieve like that.)
-Taylor (My Mom's maiden name.)
-Renee (this is one of my oldest and best friend's daughter's middle name and she is a wonderful kid. So that would be cool too. :) )

People like to suggest things like Marie, Maria, Ann, etc. and those are so not me! There's nothing wrong with them, I just don't want to use them.
I was thinking it would be cool to give the baby's middle name a Texas influence... so I looked up the names of wild flowers that are indigenous to Texas. They were either long names or things that sounded ugly like Spiderwort or Rosinweed. OK, I kinda liked Primrose a little bit.... but it's weird and too long. Then I thought of Star, since this is the Lone Star State. But is that too hippy? Or does it sound like a hooker/stripper name? That is SOOO not the kind of name I am going for. I'm trying to think of a baby name, not a stage name!

This child sure does love my cervix. Feels like she is trying to kick or dig her way out. Sometimes it's a cute little reminder of her existence, and sometimes I feel like she is mad at me. Seriously child, why are you doing this to me? That is a sensitive place to be harshly prodded, from either direction. lol. It made me laugh today because it was like she was working out, about 12-15 kicks within a minute or two, then nothing. Nothing from her for an hour or two. Then she'll give the occasional nudge. Is that how all fetuses are? Or is mine a weirdo? Usually once a day I have a few minutes of hyper child, and then the rest of the day is occasional nudges, bumps etc. Either way, even if it hurts, I love it!
OK I feel like poo so I am going to lie down. Having stomach cramps like my body is trying to work on a barf. NOT cool. Now I feel a little hot and sweaty and have done absolutely nothing to feel this way. Great. Here's hoping its just from my guts being rearranged by the uterus and nothing more sinister. I don't have the PTO for sinister viruses.

Newest thoughts...

2010-03-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

My latest facebook update was "Only 1 year, 2 months and 6 days till we can request a transfer back home. :) Is it bad that I am starting the countdown now?" I put this up here because I just went on realtor.com looking for rental homes in Belleville and Livonia. It scared me that the house I liked the most in Livonia in our price range wants a credit score/before they will consider you for the house. Don't these people get that the reason a lot of us are renting is because we had to lose our first house? Ugh. I have a feeling this is going to haunt me for a long time.
Aaron told me this weekend that his 2 years of service he has to put in before he can request a transfer started May 23, 2009 (when he started training) and NOT October 19, which was his first day on the job in Carizzo Springs. I was ELATED!! That (hopefully!) cuts 5 months off this sentence we have here! He could not have told me this news at a better time. It was a Sunday and we decided to go out to lunch, and I barely even wanted to go. The sadness of being here was getting to me. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and just stare at the wall. So instead of having 19 months now there are only 14. It's still a long time but it was a relief when I really needed it. It makes it seem easier to be here. :) But this is no guarantee... it only means he can request a transfer, it doesn't mean he'll get it. But there's hope. Turns out there are 4 places in Michigan in which he could potentially get transferred. Listed in order of my preference they are:
1. Detroit.
2. Port Huron.
3. Gibraltar.
4. Sault St. Marie. (I hope I spelled this right!)
Random thought here... I renewed my nursing license for the state of Michigan today. It lasts 2 years only, but I hope to be back in Michigan by then.
I want sooooo much to be able to go home. I know these blogs must seem like a broken record. But seriously if it doesn't have to do with going home back to my friends and family or Izzie, I am probably not thinking about it.
Rather than continue to battle with my wonderful yet not very um... house work friendly husband, I put an ad on Craigslist.com today looking for help with yard work and a housekeeper. I am offering $10/hr for the housekeeper and $15-20 per visit for the yard work. Does that seem fair?
OK even though I am not tired I need to do the dishes and get ready for bed.
Shit. Forgot to cook Aaron's dinner. Must go. :)

Evil woman.

2010-03-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

I think they wrote this about me.
What I wouldn't give right now for a large glass of red wine, a cigarette and maybe an Ativan. I feel like I am going crazy! I am not even going to get into what pissed me off so bad because 1. I am so sick of dwelling on it, but I have no life so I have TONS of time to think about it. and 2. it would just be rude to the party involved because I am having a hard time censoring myself.
All I know is pregnancy makes me a bitch. I think I might start wearing a shirt to warn all who come near. And maybe instead of getting a sign on my fence that says "Screw the dogs, beware of the crazy bitch in the house!" I could literally, very literally, beat the shit out of someone with a shovel right now. I am sure this is not healthy, and most definitely not Christian of me. But Good God. To those of you who have been pregnant, you probably understand. To those of you who will be pregnant, beware. To those of you who have impregnated someone, may God be with you. If your woman is anything like me, just 1. do as you're f*cking told, 2. invest in a good helmet and 3. do as you are damn well told, just in case you missed it the first time.
This might seriously be an only child here in my womb. I hope I forget all about this craziness and convince myself to do it one more time.

Little Mommy... the old version and my version

2010-03-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was at our local grocery store getting some stuff and I (of course) went through their limited baby stuff. I have decided that with every paycheck I am going to pick up the baby a little something so when she is here there will be (hopefully...) less stuff to stress about financially. At least for a few minutes. So far I have just gotten some body wash, a pack of diapers and a nose aspirator... but hey it's a start! I still have 20 more weeks to get stuff! But so far besides that, a few books, a couple toys and a laundry basket the poor child has nothing. The room still has boxes in it. We need to get a move on!
Anyhow, so I see the childrens' books and stop. The first one I see is a cute little Golden Book called Little Mommy. It starts off cute as a button. "This is my house and I am the mommy. My children are Annabelle, Betsy and Bonny. They are good little children and do just as I say. I put on their coats and they go out to play. (This is the bullshit part here...) Billy is daddy; he works in the city. He has a new car, isn't is pretty?" Those are the first few pages. It goes on and on about how this Little Mommy cooks and cleans all day. "I do the dishes and sweep the floor and wipe fingerprints off the door." It basically teaches female children that girls cook and clean and take care of children while the man works. Oh. Hell. No. Decades of women have not fought for equal rights for me to buy this shit book in 2010! I would like to rewrite the book. Ahem..
My name is Mary, and this is my condo. In the garage you can see my new Honda (close enough shut up this is impromptu!)
I am not married, I do not need a man, but if I change my mind I know I can.
This is my 10th floor corner office for all to see, and above my desk is my college degree.
After work sometimes I go to the martini bar but if I decide I don't want to the gym is not far.
I love my condo with a view of the city. This is my pool boy, isn't he pretty?
Lovely to look at, not much to say. I sip my mimosa while he works away...
I didn't settle, and I answer to no man. Instead of my dishes, I work on my tan.
Loving my life, I might marry one day. Until the right one comes along I'll continue to play.
If the day comes when I will be wed, I will have some things to be said.
I will not pick your dirty socks off the floor. I work too, do your own chores.
My job is JUST as important as yours. And don't let me catch you flirting with whores.
You have no idea how lucky you are, to have a woman with a career, job, brain AND a car.
And if perhaps you forget, on your ass you must go. When it comes to that shit, the only answer is NO.
THE END.

LMAO!
I swear to GOD if I receive that book as a gift for my daughter she will never so much as see it. I will print off what I just wrote and read it to her first. If she wants to be a stay at home Mom, that's great and honorable. Stay at home Moms work their asses off, non-stop, for no pay and it is hard, and probably very rewarding all at the same time. Hell, I wouldn't mind doing it now. However, I don't want my child to read this patriarchal bullshit thinking she needs to find a Prince Charming, or that she has no other options other than to be a mother and wife. I was told often as a child that I could grow up to be anything I wanted to be and that being a girl had nothing to do with what I could and could not achieve. My mother also taught me very young to never be in a situation where I had to depend on someone else. She would say to me, "Andrea, never depend on..." and I would say "a man". She learned the hard way, and Thank God we both refused to let that happen to me.
Well I am surprised to see that this blog went from a baby shopping experience to a bra burning feminist pow-wow! LOL. I never considered myself a feminist... maybe I just learned something about myself?
Anywho, I am coming down with a cold and need to go to bed. Hope you enjoyed my first Golden Book that I wrote. Maybe I should look into writing empowering childrens' books for the children of feminists? LMAO!

Lonely Friday Night...

2010-03-05T16:46:00.000-08:00

Came home from work today after a busy week at work... with nothing to do. Nothing to do to unwind. No social outlets. Aaron is at work and won't be home until 9PM at the earliest. I watched all the good shows on the DVR already. I should be cleaning the house or something but I want to relax because I have been tired all day and my ankles are a little swollen. My options are looking a little crappy.
If I were in Michigan I would be talking to one of my friends on the phone, likely making plans to go to someone's house, or have someone over for a little while. Not much, but its something. And its a hell of a lot more than I am doing here. I feel so lonely here. Apart from Shanna at work I have no real friends here. :( While Shanna is very nice and we get along great, we both have husbands, she has a 4 year old son and one on the way. She's busy. And I know I will be soon enough too. I just hate feeling like there is no real support for us out here. Aaron has no friends to speak of here either. We miss our friends. I would KILL to go over to a friend's house and sit in their smokey basement, play poker and listen to the radio. All that time I took it for granted assuming I would always have that. Sigh.
I am SO happy that my little one will be here in just a few months, and I am very happily married to a wonderful man. I know I am lucky. But can it seriously be too much to ask for to take my baby, husband and dogs and go back home WITH our nice jobs? Must I really live 1600 miles away in order to make it? We're financially making it now, and thank God for that. But in other ways like socially, and to an extent emotionally we're drowning out here. My child is going to grow up not understanding what friends are because she's never going to see us with any. :(
I used to think that I could never miss any place like I miss England. I love shopping in the streets of Durham, and I love looking at the sheep on the green hills in Esh Winning. It's beautiful there. I love the food, and the TV shows, even silly things like candy bars and drinks that you can't get in the States make me miss it. Sometimes when I think of it I get a passing heart flutter and then it sinks just a little, because I want to be there so bad and I know I can't. I think of my family there and miss them all so much. I often wonder if I will see my Grandma again before she passes away (she is 94 after all...). But then I think of home and it blows it out of the water. Yep. The stupid ass commute to the the University of Michigan, and the horrible parking situation there, the assholes on the roads that can't drive, the rude people and their 37 children at Wal-Mart (they are here too, I am just thinking of the Wal-Mart by my old house.), Vernors, Olga's Kitchen, Mini Eggs, 95.5 (the radio stations here are SHIT), restaurants other than fucking MEXICAN, cold weather (no I still don't miss snow but I am willing to live in a fucking Igloo if that means I can come home...), bonfires and a Labatt Blue with good friends... I can go on and on and on... This is more than a little heart flutter and sink. This is a heart ache and crash. I hope it gets better when I am back to my normal amount of hormones. And if you notice that a lot of this has to do with food just keep in mind this is a blubbering pregnant woman here and really I would do without the food for some HUMAN INTERACTION.
I just want to go home. I miss my family and friends. So much more than any of you realize. This fucking sucks all day long and I want to go back!

Funny Texans

2010-02-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

One day this week while sitting at work my co-workers and I were talking about our favorite way to eat chili. (I know, exciting.) Apparently people down here put Fritos in their chili and top it with cheese and call it Frito Pie. Sounds yummy, huh? They will even sell it at football games by opening a small individual sized bag of Fritos and pour some chili on it. Yum. I need to go to a football game down here. :)
The day after we talked about this, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to tell them all how damn funny their accents are. When they say Frito Pie it sounds like "Free-TOE Pah". LMAO!
My friend Shanna kept repeating it because she couldn't hear it in her voice. After telling her that her accent is not that strong at all, our co-worker Donna walks into the room and sits down. I whisper to Shanna to ask Donna to say Frito Pie because she has a THICK accent. What does she say? Free-TOE Pah. She and I both about fall out of our chairs laughing our asses off! Maybe it's not funny to read but MAN do I wish you could have been there to see it and hear it for yourself. :)
I work with another woman named Dana, whose accent is SO strong that sometimes I mistake what she is saying for something else. For example, when she would call our co-worker Wayne it would sound like she is saying "wine". LOL
When I (finally) get to come home I am pretty sure I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it here at least a teeny bit. The people here are cracking me up! I work with a little lady named Bennie, who is in her early 60's and I swear she makes me look old. She was telling us a story about how she caught a rooster to give to one of our general surgeons, Dr. Watkins the night before. Yes, she had a rooster in the back of her truck to give to the doctor. And that doctor wears cowboy boots to work. And BIG belt buckles from rodeos. :) I swear to you Michiganders it is a different world out here! But not always bad. Don't get me wrong, I would leave in a heartbeat to come home because I am SO homesick, but the people are so incredibly nice.
OK, gotta go. Off to the fish fry at the local Knights of Columbus Hall. We might not be good southern folk but we can pretend. :)

Cletus Update

2010-02-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

As of Friday I am 18 weeks pregnant. I feel fine apart from the occasional (weekly) headache (which I desperately try in vain to keep as a headache and not progress to a migraine) and getting more tired again. I assume the fatigue is due to my hemoglobin dropping. At my last blood draw on Feb. 3rd I am down to 8.6. Dr. White said he wants to keep me above 8. I think it is probably lower than that now because in the last week or so I am more tired than I have been. It feels like my first trimester again. People always say how good you're supposed to feel around this time. I think you're all liars! haha. Just kidding. But seriously, since my second trimester started I have felt worse. Oh well. 22 short weeks and this is all history anyway!
The most exciting part of the story is this... I was sitting at work yesterday and I felt (what I believe to be) the baby kick for the first time! I felt something that I would compare to little fingertips (not the baby's, that would be creepy. lol.) very gently tickling the inside of my tummy. It was over almost as quickly as it begun, but it was definitely there. I have had a couple confirmation tickles today as well. So either I have a wonderful, growing baby or a HORRIBLE case of worms. LOL.
Feeling Cletus move makes this even MORE real now. Not that is wasn't before, but now there is an actual reason behind the ever growing gut. I don't just feel fatter anymore. I feel like there really IS someone in there. It's making me do a lot of thinking too.
1. It's crazy that you can begin to love someone before you ever even know them. I feel so privileged that I get to know this person from the beginning, before anyone else gets to know it. When the world sees my baby for the first time with their eyes, they are seeing someone I have known for months. What an advantage a mother has when compared to the rest of the world!
2. I worry that I am going to be a crappy mother. Waiting for baby to get here is like waiting to meet your new boss. You hope it goes well from the start and that there is no awkwardness. Although I am sure there will be much awkwardness because this is me we are talking about here. :)
3. Even though this little person will come out completely defenseless and dependent on Aaron and me, how come I am a little scared of it? I know I must sound like such a loser but I am a little scared. Both of our lives are completely at each others mercy. Cletus will eat when and if we feed her/him (which is a horrible thought, as if I would anything other than what's best for her/him) and I will sleep when and if Cletus feels like sleeping.
Well I am done writing for now. I want to go lay back down on the couch. I only feel the baby when I am very still. And nothing in the whole world is cooler than that little feeling. :)

Things that are pissing me off Volume #2.

2010-01-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I have nothing better to do but clean my house or blog. And my back hurts too bad to clean. Sooo....

The Real Housewives of Orange County: Seeing as how I have no life and it was on because I missed Top Chef (which is good, BTW... saw it for the first time today.) I decided to watch this abomination of a TV show. I learned that money does NOT make the man or woman. All they are is a bunch of petty poor little rich girls that gossip and bitch. It was painful. I almost had to change the channel when their ignorant daughters were talking... all the "ums" and "likes" were burning my brain. I am sure at least one of their parents has to be smart, like their father who probably works his ass off to put those little brats in their Gucci this and Prada that... but you wouldn't be able to tell any of them are smart because they can't parent a child worth a damn. The episode I watched, they had a "Youthologist" come to talk to their "challenging" daughter. Well I think I am going to move to California or wherever the hell these idiots live and be an "Assholologist" to help people that are Assholes become more normal, less irritating people. I am pretty sure that chimps are better parents than these people. I don't care if I am middle class, or lower middle class, or whatever I would be considered, I would MUCH rather live paycheck to paycheck than be as embarrassingly materialistic and painfully dumb as these people are. I can't believe our society flaunts our stupidity by putting people like this on TV. Why can't we have a reality show about people who live in reality? What about teaching Americans about the brave men and women who are currently doing a tour in Afghanistan, or the struggles that middle school teachers face? If it is possible for me to lose more respect for the media, then it just happened.

MORE unsolicited advice about pregnancy! MORE!!! No Cassie not you! :)
There are people at work who just can't help themselves. One saw me walking down the hall with a Coke and said "You can't have that... the Baby..." In a word, BITCHYESIFUCKINGCAN. Here is my proof. And anyone with eyes can read a can of Coke and see that it has 34 mg of caffeine per 12 ounce serving. Yes, I try to have only 1 can of Coke per day. Sometimes I slip and have 2. And if I have a Excedrin tension headache I make sure to not have any Coke because it has a lot of caffeine in it. Let's look at it like this: I quit smoking, I don't come within 3 feet of any alcohol, I avoid artificial sweeteners like the plague, I don't eat soft cheese or lunch meat even though I would love to, I avoid taking even Tylenol even though I am in enough pain daily to make me cry (even though it is safe for the baby I figure it's safer not to)... I KNOW WHAT I CAN AND CAN NOT HAVE AND IF I DON'T KNOW I WILL ASK. Before I got cheese at the deli I made sure it was Pasteurized or else I wouldn't even buy it! Lay OFF me people!!!
Someone also told me that if I sit too much when I am pregnant the baby will have a cone head. *Sigh*. Now, correct me if I am wrong, I am not an Obstetrician, but I am pretty sure that the molding of the head only happens when the baby is in the birth canal, yes? And my 15 week old fetus's head is probably the size of a grape? And I am also pretty sure that my tiny precious little baby is happily swimming in a vast pool of amniotic fluid and no where near going into a birthing position anytime soon... so I rest my case.
This same someone also gave me a horrified look when I told her how excited I was to go to the Chiropractor. "But the BABY!!!" So I don't DIE between now and late July of excruciating back pain that started before I ever got pregnant, since I can't take anything for the pain besides Tylenol and Pez, I am going to an expert who can help me. Unless they know something I don't, like the Chiropractor is going to take the baby out and crack it's back, or I must take a hit of acid before they will see me, what is the harm in a little alternative therapy? It's not like I am going sky diving for God sakes! The worst thing I do is DRINK COKE. NOT DO COKE.
I know people mean well but one day I am going to lose it and scream. I just try to remind myself daily that it is only out of love and concern. But try telling my estrogen and progesterone (and whatever other crazy hormones are running through my veins) that.

So this didn't piss me off but it was funny so I must share. Aaron did something really funny and made me laugh HARD at him yesterday. I ran to the bathroom because apparently all that laughing made me feel like I was going to pee out the teaspoon of urine in my bladder that I had produced in the last 5 minutes since my last bathroom trip. So I am in the bathroom, LMAOing it up, while I pee, and tears start to run down my face because I am laughing so hard. Then, for reasons that I can't understand or explain, my laughs turn into sobs and in 5 seconds flat my good mood is shattered and I am crying for ABSOLUTELY no reason. This makes me laugh more, which makes me cry more. WTF???!?! Are you kidding me right now. Then, sobbing and with an empty bladder, I go to Aaron, crying, to tell him that I am crying and I have no idea why. He looks at me rightfully as the crazy bitch that I am.
Pregnancy is wonderful and weird as HELL!

Freaky Thumb AKA "Non-Bendy"

2010-01-29T15:38:00.001-08:00

My thumb on my right hand does not bend. It never has a day in it's little life. I went to an orthopedic specialist when I was about 6 and it turns out my thumb's tendon is under-developed so it never had the strength to bend it. It looks a little freaky... have you ever seen a thumb with no creases?! It's bizarre I tell you. I am used to it. When I was a kid it was a topic of conversation. Kids enjoy showing off their hidden talents like being able to flip their eyelids inside out, but I was almost always the coolest, as mine was a congenital abnormality that no one could learn how to do. In my teenage and young(er) adult years it felt like something to be ashamed of, so I hid it as best I could. Hell, I didn't even tell Aaron until we had been together for about a year because I was scared he would break up with me for being different. LOL. I am so melodramatic at times, its not like it's my leg or neck that doesn't bend. Lord.
Once in a great while, I will be going about my day, doing countless insignificant things and I will see my left thumb bend and think to myself "OH MY GOD! I DID IT! IT BENT! MY THUMB CAN BEND!" And then I realize my Non-Bendy is on my right hand. The first couple times it was quite a let down! After that I laugh at myself, call myself an asshole or some other insult equally fitting, and go on about my day.
Recently, Aaron and I were sitting on the couch and he was showing me some sign language that he learned because his first girlfriend was deaf (I am sorry, if he can look past a girl not having one of the 5 basic senses, why in the HELL would he care about a thumb?? Stupid girl...). I realized that I was not able to do some words/letters because of my thumb.
This made me wonder, half kidding, half honestly curious... does my non-bendy mean that in the sign language community I would be considered to have a speech impediment? LOL
Just wanted to share this. It almost feels like I came out of the "mild, insignificant congenital abnormality closet". LOL. I hope my baby can bend everything. You know how new parents count all their kids digits? I will be bending mine. :)

Obsessed with listening to the heart beat.

2010-01-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

I think I blog about silly little things because I can't just call or talk to my friends like I used to be able to. I like to get it all out, even if no one is really listening/reading. haha.
Last night I tried listening to the baby's heartbeat and thought I found it but was not sure. But I heard a while lot of what I can only imagine is fetal movement on the doppler. I was laying on my side with the hand piece definitely not moving because I had it firmly on my belly and was resting that hand on my leg. I know it wasn't because I was moving it. But I heard tons of "whoosh" noises, so I think it was Cletus swimming around in there. I know once I was with a nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and we heard a whoosh and she said it sounded like fetal movement. :) SO based on that I think that's what it was.
Today when I came home from work I listened for Cletus again and got him/her almost right away. Heart rate ranged from 150-168. I have never seen it as low as 150 before! It has always been 160 or higher.
If I had to guess, I would say this baby is going to be a girl, it will be born August 1st or 2nd, and it is going to be very energetic! Let's see if I am right! Only time will tell.

My Lazy Weekend

2010-01-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's going to be a very lazy weekend but that's OK, I am welcoming it with open arms. For example, I have been sleeping on and off since about 11PM last night until about 3:30PM today. How incredibly wonderful is that?! Hey judge if you want, but I plan on being sloth-like for as long as I can until Cletus gets here and puts my life in a tailspin.
Aaron is working nights all weekend and next week, so I am basically spending my weekend alone. It sounds worse than it actually is. I got used to being alone when Aaron was in New Mexico for training, so now I am actually quite comfortable that way. I get to watch what I want to watch on TV, stay in my jammies all day, and do rude things like burp without having to worry about grossing out company. :)
I was going to do some grocery shopping today, but now I don't feel like it so I think I will pick up Chinese for dinner and go to the store tomorrow instead. I think that sounds reasonable. But crap, I have no Coke or bottled water, so I will have to stop by the grocery store. Ugh.
It is insane to me that I have had the AC on in January. The cheap bastards who built my house put NO screens on the windows, so when it is 75 here it gets hot in my house, and there's really no other way to cool it down except for turn on the house fan and/or AC. I think Aaron and I are going to put up some screen doors though, so we can at least leave the doors open when we want. That is one of many things wrong/irritating with this house and I am very excited to move back home so this house can be a little memory. I say little because the house is so damned little.
Anyway, as of yesterday I am 14 weeks pregnant! Time is flying by. So exciting! In a few weeks' time I will be able to feel my baby kicking. I can't wait for that. I am in maternity clothes but still look nothing other than just fatter than usual. That's getting old.
So real news here. Still pregnant, still living in Texas, still want to come home. I need to travel more of this state though, I bet there's a WHOLE lot more than the tiny bit I see. Texans are very proud people, and I owe it to the state and to them to find out why. So far I am not too sure. I don't do cattle, and I don't do Mexico (can't, too dangerous per my hubby unless we fly in and go to a resort) so there's not a whole lot for me to do here. But the people are very nice. My co-workers and boss are very nice. So yes the people are friendly but I left lots of friendly people to come here, so I need to find more to make me happy here. I really am sick of bitching about wanting to come home. I know people tell me that at last I have Aaron with me, which is completely true and I don't know what I would do without him. But I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too. We lived 20 minutes away from a border, why couldn't he work there? Then I wouldn't be destroying my credit by doing a short-sale on my house, I wouldn't be pregnant 1600 miles away from anyone who I am close with, and I wouldn't have to worry obsessively about tarantulas.
OK, done bitching for today. Getting in the shower so I can try the new Chinese place in town tonight. :)

Today sucked.

2010-01-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep last night, so I have been tired all day.
I found a weird lump last night so I went to the doctor to have it seen, and no worries everything is fine, but for whatever reason I wept uncontrollably for about an hour because of this. The nurse practitioner told me that it seems like that baby is good and healthy because it's affecting Mom's moods so much. Ha. Thanks lady. She had a student with her, an NP student, who works with me. So not only did she see my weep like a child, she got to see my weep like a child in a paper gown while I told her I was sorry but she couldn't stay in because it was too personal. Ugh shoot me.
I went back to work and a patient called me a little girl. I am 29. Not that I want to look my age or anything, but chances are if I am assisting with your blood transfusion I am indeed an adult. Just sayin'. THEN he had the audacity to ask my co-worker if I am pregnant. OK, so I am... but I am not far enough along to be showing! Why are people asswipes? How can you NOT tell the difference between uterus and chub?! Granted I am convinced the uterus is already pushing the chub out more... it's harder to suck my gut in. I think it's just difficult to suck in uterus.
When I went to the doctor's office it said I gained two more pounds since the last time I was there on the 6th. I think that contributed to my weepiness. I figured out then that I have gained 5-6 pounds since I got pregnant. Total bullshit. However, I figured it all out. I'll give my breasts a pounds between the two of them. They are full! I'll give my uterus itself a pound between the growth of it and the amniotic fluid. Extra blood flow is probably another half pound, the baby weighs a half ounce, and the other 3 pounds and 7 1/2 ounces is the baby's bad attitude. Hey, anyone that moves around that much during an ultrasound has got to be a rebel!
Oh, and I brought my crying fit back to with me and everyone had to say aww and pat the silly crying pregnant girl. Don't get me wrong I am so glad they care, just for whatever reason when I am upset and people hug me it makes it worse and I cry more. I don't know why. Oh, and Dr. Watkins heard me call myself an asshole. I actually think that is amusing though. :)
OK I am sore and stiff from being constantly on edge today, so I am going to bed. Hope tomorrow is better!!!

Update #1 on Cletus.

2010-01-12T17:31:00.001-08:00

And by this I mean Cletus the Fetus. Yes, until I find out it's a girl or until this baby is born it will be known as Cletus. :) heh heh heh I hope this kid has a good sense of humor, or at least is a good sport!
So I am officially 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My due date is July 23rd, which is awesome because that is my Father's birthday. If I can actually manage to have the baby of the 23rd I will be his favorite child for LIFE. :)
My second doctor's appointment was January 6th, last Wednesday. I have gained three pounds, which is interesting since the baby only weighs a half ounce... but nevermind...
I had a nurse come in the room and tell me we were going to listen for the baby's heart beat. I thought to myself, "cool, because I can never hear it at home!" She can't find it. But then she sends in someone else to find it. She can't find it either. I think really nothing of this because I think I am only 10 1/2 weeks along and it is still pretty early. However, Dr. White tells me that this is "concerning because at 11 1/2 weeks we should be able to hear the baby by now." He told me this after the third person, a nurse practitioner with previous OB experience, comes in and listens for a long time and can't hear the baby either. (However, we did hear a big WHOOSH noise and she told me that sounded like movement. That FLOORED me that a person that small can make noise inside me and I am completely oblivious to it!)
So of course I start to feel nervous, as I am sure anyone would be. Hey if the doctor tells me I might have reason to worry then I am about 3 seconds away from a nervous breakdown.
Eventually (after he takes care of an emergency patient) he comes back in the room and begins the ultrasound. I'm a little nervous but trying to keep my composure. A few seconds after he puts the (for lack of a better term, I assume...) wand down on my belly he says "Oh my God there's three in there!" I said "WHAT!" and then he just giggles. Awesome. I love that I have a slightly smart-ass doctor. This is the same doctor that tells me before my Pap smear last month to "not worry, he did this once before and it went fine." and after asking if my breasts were sensitive just before the breast exam made a mention of mashing them. LOL. I seriously could not have an high strung doctor for something like this. I mean, lets be reasonable. In all likelihood I am probably going to end up pooping on this guy's shoes... I need to be able to laugh with him.
So after my brief heart attack I learn there is actually only one child, and it is doing something that looks like break dancing in my uterus. It was the most amazing, hilarious thing I have ever seen. Dr. White said "You're going to have one energetic child." LOL. He almost couldn't even measure him/her because it was so active. It was hard to get a good view to measure! Dr. White kept saying "come on Munchkin, just slow down for just one minute!" And yes, I cried a little bit. I didn't boo-hoo it up but I did need a tissue. It was a huge relief to see my baby not only alive but thriving. I think if something was wrong it wouldn't be busting a continuous move in my womb. I saw this little person actually do a flip. A flip! I made a person who has two arms and legs and can flail! I don't think this will ever, ever get old or boring. :)
Yeah, I love being pregnant. I know what I am about to say sounds weird, but I am still going to try my best to put it into words. Being a grown up, you know what all your bodies functions are. You know what your legs do, and your hands and eyes, etc. And then you get pregnant and you learn what else your uterus (and breasts, and their magical vein making capability) does. Sure we all know the usual functions, but WOW can it do more. It is amazing to learn about your body more when you thought you knew it all already. It is all so new. I am only 12 weeks pregnant, but I definitely feel different already. I have a fullness in my lower abdomen. It has become uncomfortable to lie flat on my belly. It feels like I am squishing myself. If I stand up too fast after tying my shoes, or if I stretch in a certain position I feel my round ligaments stretching, which is NOT my favorite feeling in the world. It's amazing and fun, and I hope that every woman that wants to experience it for herself gets to at least once.
One more thing before I go watch American Idol and laugh at the audition... last night Aaron and I heard Cletus's heart beat for the first time ever last night! It was so cool! There was no mistaking that rapid heart beat for mine. It was 160 beats per minute and just sounded like it came from something little. On the doppler my heart beat sounds like whoosh, and the baby's sounded like a little *bip*. :)
I don't even know the little stinker yet and I am already falling madly in love with it!

Feed Me!

2010-01-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

We are trying to plan a long weekend home in Michigan in late April. And I am almost as excited for the food I will be eating in Michigan as I am to see my friends and family. I have plans of all the places I want to dine...
1. Olga's Kitchen... I want a basket of snackers with extra cheese! And an orange cream cooler while I am at it.
2. Bahama Breeze... I want the chicken with the lemon butter sauce and sweet mashed potatoes and yuca fries. Damn.
3. Buca di Beppos for some gnocchi... Mmmmm.....
4. MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD!!!!! I want some falafel and real homemade hummus so bad it hurts! Ooh and some fattoush salad. Gotta get all this at Fattoush Village in Livonia.
And... to wash it all down... Vernor's. Please and thank you.

I am thinking of all this food that I can't have and it gets me angry. :/ We have diddly squat in the house because I have been too busy napping to go to the grocery store. I had Long John Silver's for dinner because the baby wanted mercury... uh I mean fish. hahaha Don't worry this is the second time in my pregnancy I have had any fish. But because of my poor choices this afternoon I can and will not order out. I can't afford to gain 50+ pounds with this baby! However my poor choice was glorious!

I wish I could quit thinking about food. I would say my appetite is increasing for sure now. The last few days I eat the normal amount of times but every time has been 100% of all meals, and side salads, and stealing from Aaron... this kumquat sized little goober gives me the appetite of a big brawny man!
I should be ashamed to tell anyone this but it is so gross that I have to tell. This morning all I could think about was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and fish. Not together, but I knew I had to have both of those today. So I had a little roll with some PB&J on it and a big glass of milk, and maybe 2 hours later... Aaron came home with my fish. Good GOD!

Things that are really starting to piss me off.

2009-12-25T10:07:00.001-08:00

Warning: this is an INCREDIBLY BITCHY blog. If you feel like you're having an overly-sensitive, easily offended day please don't even bother reading it because if you comment to me and piss me off I swear to God I will lose my shit on you. :)

OK, so sorry this is not a particularly festive blog subject, but I am home alone on Christmas Day while my husband is at work so I think it is slightly fitting. I have the WHOLE DAY to do pointless stuff like blog instead of celebrate my favorite holiday with my husband... Yes I am bitter.
This blog was originally going to be titled "Things about Texas that Piss Me Off", but now I am going to extend it to global proportions. Hey why not? It's not just Texas, it is a whole lot of stuff.

1. Homesickness:
I want to go home. I am sick of being gone. It would be easier to be gone if it were in a place that wasn't so damn foreign feeling. There are tarantulas, scorpions, wild hogs and cacti out here. Does that sound normal? Or homey? Not to me. Palm trees are NOT synonymous with Christmas to me. AND Aaron recently explained to me (after I dig it out of him... I say this because getting the full story from him is similar to a fecal impaction, you have the dig the shit out of him piece by piece...) that in 2 years Aaron is eligible to put in for a transfer. Not he will automatically be granted it... no, at that point he can ask for one. And it doesn't mean we will get it. This is BS. I promise to not bitch about Michigan as much anymore. Now that I have been gone and I have learned a little bit of what else is out there, I realize now what I had. I prefer the Midwest part of the country to the Southwest.

2. Peoples' "advice" about pregnancy:
I am not claiming to know it all. I will be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn about life. I know this! But WHY oh WHY does everyone who comes into contact with me that knows I am pregnant accidentally mistake themselves for a perinatologist? I have been told "you know, you should cut back on your sodium intake when you're pregnant", and "you should exercise when you are pregnant", and "only one pop a day, because any more is too much caffeiene" (which is bullshit, the upper limit of daily recommended consumption is 200 mg of caffeine a day, and a 12 ounce Coke has 35mg), and "You should drink lots of water now..." and, my personal favorite "You need more iron if you're anemic for your Thalassemia." Really? I need more iron? Do you really want my spleen to rupture?! You callous bastard.
I know I don't know everything, but I am pretty sure that I went to college for SEVEN YEARS and THREE of those years were spent in a Bachelor's Degree Nursing Program! I am pretty sure I went to one of the best Nursing Schools in the State of Michigan. I am almost positive I spent 7 weeks busting my ass in an OB clinical where I had to teach women what to do when they took their babies home. And, to top it all off I have been a practicing RN now for 4 years and 5 months. So I think it is safe to assume that I know basic things such as recommended sodium consumption, the basic physiology of a woman's body and a basic knowledge of own disease processes. I for now on will make it a general rule that I will offer NO advice on pregnancy to anyone unless I am asked. I will do this because 9 times out of 10 unsolicited advice has been an insult to my intelligence and I will give others the same courtesy. Please remember that I have wanted to be a Mom for years. Just because I couldn't get pregnant doesn't mean I haven't been looking into it all these years. I came into this condition as a well informed woman. If you want something really badly, don't you read about it, learn about it because you're interested in it? Well that is exactly what I did. That is why I am easily offended when told something a 12 year old knows. I DID THE RESEARCH PEOPLE.
Having said that, if I ask you for advice that is a completely different thing! If I want to hear what you have to say then I am not going to harbor negative feelings towards you. Promise. Well, almost promise. These hormones are kicking my ass!
3. People who put their dogs in the back of trucks.
This kind of stupidity unfortunately runs rampant down here. Animal life is not valued here like it is where I came from. They leave their dogs in cars all the time. I have watched a couple dogs almost plunge to their deaths out of moving trucks. If I could rule the world for one week... those people would be SCARED! How stupid do you have to be? Really? Do people not comprehend that dogs aren't able to reason why you shouldn't jump out of a moving vehicle? There should be a new rule. You HAVE to be smarter than your pet. If you are not then you are not allowed to have one. Good GOD. Would you put your 3 year old in the back of your truck?! Then don't put a dog in it. I think this is fairly simple logic. Please let me know if you disagree and let me know why, because I can't fathom this.

OK I have more to say but I am honestly sick of bitching for right now. Thank GOD! It is tiring to be this bitter. As happy as I am that I am pregnant and that I am finally going to be a Mommy, I am sooooo looking forward to feeling like I am in control of my emotions again. I know this can only happen when I am no longer pregnant. I don't want to wish it away, I want to embrace every single day of this pregnancy. But I do not want to embrace the... anger/moodiness/whatever-the-hell-you-call-this anymore.

On a brighter note, Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful, fun, peaceful day! I know that can't even sound genuine, but it honestly is. ;)

Pregnancy Hormones.

2009-12-08T14:02:00.001-08:00

Yeah... they're a bitch.
I was at work today and Wayne (the recovery nurse who brings has laptop to work and we listen to Christmas Carols) played something on youtube called The Pink Glove Dance. It is about promoting breast cancer awareness. And for whatever the hell reason, it made me cry, at work. Seriously. It's not even fricking sad! If you want to see it click here.
As embarrassing as it was, thank God there is a 13 or 14 week pregnant girl there named Shanna who knew EXACTLY what I was going through and we had a good laugh about it. All I could say in between sobs and laughter was "I'm an asshole", "stupid baby" and "Breast cancer is sad". Jesus. I have 33 more weeks to go. This is going to be a bumpy ride.
But I am still grateful for it, no matter how unreasonable and swollen I become.

Humor knows no language.

2009-12-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

At my job now, a lot of my patient's primary language is Spanish. A lot of people speak some English, but you always run into the few people now and again who can't speak any at all. I really want to take a Spanish course, but have been told it may not be that helpful. The Spanish taught in most classes is Traditional/European Spanish, and what is usually spoken here is a mixture of Spanish and English. One of my co-workers Bennie called it "Tex-Mex", and said that she grew up speaking that but it someone talks to her in real Spanish she can't understand some of it. So... I guess I will just get some CD to learn Spanish and not devote a lot of time or money to it right now, since it may not be that big a help.
Anyway, there was a patient I talked to on the phone while I was training in the pre-operative department. This is how the conversation went.
Me- Hi, this is Andrea from Uvalde Memorial Hospital, I am calling to speak to Mrs. So-and-so regarding her procedure on December 3rd.
Patient- blahblahblahblahblah (for some reason I could hear her fine but couldn't make out what she was saying)
Me- I'm sorry can you please say that again?
Pt- blahblahblahblahblahblah
Me- What?
Pt- blahblahblahblahblahblah
Me- Habla Ingles? (or however you spell it...)
Pt- No.
Me- Oooooooooohhhhh... OK.....
We both start busting out laughing at this point. You probably had to be there, but it was hilarious.

So, this week I was working in pre and post op, so I got people ready for and (kinda) recovered them from their surgeries and procedures. I was told me next patient didn't speak any English. I didn't put two and two together.
So she comes in, and most of the stuff that needs to be discussed was done by Bennie (our Spanish, Tex-Mex speaking nurse, whose sister BTW makes the BEST TAMALES EVER.) and then I do the small stuff for her. I learn she can understand some English but can speak very little. Like, she can say "yes, no, it's OK", that about covers it.
I look at her wrist band to make sure it's correct, and ask "Su namo es?" (Remember I know very little Spanish so I probably butcher it, but this nice lady knows what I mean) and she says her name. Then I ask her for her birthdate and she says "blahblahblahblahblah". I continue to keep looking at the wrist band and say "Ooookaaaayyyy...." and again, peals of laughter. :)
I just think its so funny that you can not understand what the hell the person next to you is saying, but then humanity kicks in and you can laugh about it. She knew what I was asking, and I know what she was telling me, but neither of us really had an idea of what the actual words meant. It was just so funny. I know it's probably not to you and I am cool with that but I had to blog about it because it's funny to me! I guess that's all that matters! :)
In other news, my first OB appointment is this Wednesday. Aaron is leaving work early so he can go too in case theu do an ultrasound or listen for a heartbeat. He's such an excited Daddy-to-be... and it's the best feeling ever. :D
Every night when we're laying in bed we say good night to each other, and then I tell him the (insert the name of the small thing the same size of the baby is) here loves him, and he always says he loves it back. :) First it was a poppy seed, then an orange seed, and now we're up to a blueberry! It's crown to rump legnth is 7-9mm.! I put 7 and then 9 dimes in a stack to see how big my baby is now, and it's about the size of my fingernail. Awww!!! I can't freaking wait to meet my little blueberry! :)
OK enough for now. Have a good weekend.

Quick but awesome update.

2009-11-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

Hello All!
Sorry it has been so long since I have gotten on here. I STILL don't have internet access at my house until Thursday. I am at the library in Uvalde to pay some bills and do a little Christmas shopping, so before the kick me off I thought I would get on here and update you.
Texas is nice! It's been in the 60-70's (with the exception of this rainy, cold week in the 40s-50s) since we have been here. Aaron and I are both enjoying our jobs. Thank God! I would be PISSED if we relocated just to be angry and miserable.
The girls at my new job are very nice. The job is a little slow at times, being a rural day surgery unit, but I am still learning things and appreciating the new slower, less stressful lifestyle.
And now, for the biggest news EVER. I took my first cycle of Clomid on October 21. Ovulated November 4th. And got a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST on November 15th!!! Thank God! I am soooo incredibly happy that I can't even begin to describe it. The closest thing I can think of is to want something for Christmas... really REALLY bad but you already know you can't afford it and you just know you're not going to get it. Then, on Christmas morning you open a little box under the tree with your name on it that you weren't expecting and *WHAM* there it is, that little thing you've been coveting.
Due to the PCOS I am not out of the woods. I have a higer rate of miscarriage then most women because of this. Some people might think I am crazy for telling everyone already (I am only 7 weeks and due in the end of July) but you know what, if I were to (God forbid) lose this baby, it doesn't make him/her mean any less to me. I am going to celebrate this gift from God as much as possible, enjoy every minute of it (sore boobs, peeing all the time, serious fatigue, a sense of smell that a Bloodhound wound envy and mood swings like I don't know what) because it is a HUGE gift and I am incredibly lucky to have it. I just pray everything stays good and healthy. I quit smoking in October, do not drink a thing, quit taking the meds I was on for PMDD, sleep all the time, try to limit my caffeine intake, take prenatals vitamins and my metformin religously, in short I am doing everything possible to make this a healthy pregnancy. The only things against me are the extra weight and the PCOS, one of them being out of my hands entirely. Damnit if women can smoke crack throughout their pregnancies and have healthy babies, surely I, as a tubby woman, can have one as well, right? I am sure my developing embryo would rather have a heaping helping of Cheez Whiz (what I have been craving since last night... don't know why... but whatever, I like it anyway!) than a little cocaine, right?
Another thing, since we conceived on Clomid, who knows how many little stinkers are in there! There could be multiples in store for us. I say bring it on, lets just do this! Don't get me wrong if we had 5 or 6 in there I think I would have a panic attack, but twins would be just fine.
I am not a particularly religous person, but this experience completely reaffirms my faith. I know I have mentioned the Big Guy in here a few times, and I think for a great cause. If I, a reproductively challenged woman gets pregnant as quickly as I did on my first cycle of the least medically invasive treatments possible, someone simply HAS to be helping me out.
Well I better go before the lady at the desk screams "Number 3 your time is up!"
Thank you all for reading, I hope you're all well, and stay tuned for my baby adventure! :)

T minus 6 days and counting!

2009-10-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

I occasionally freak out realizing that this move really IS going to happen. Aaron IS going to graduate. We ARE leaving Michigan. On the 11th our lives are going to totally change. And it is noon on the 5th. Wow. Maybe I am being too dramatic... but I think not. We are doing a lot of big changes.
My last day of work at the University of Michigan was this past Friday. It was a really busy day so it flew by, but still a little emotional for me. My co-workers couldn't have been sweeter if they tried. On Thursday we ordered out, and they gave me a present... beautiful jewelry hand made by one of my co-workers Sheryl. They were all beaded jewelry, different patterns, all black and silver. Some of them had very faint pink beads too. They were all beautiful! Sue made me some awesome greek chicken lemon rice soup which was amazing. Seriously good stuff. Tina brought a Chocolate Lover's Cake. I felt very loved!
On Friday Deb (my manager) gave me a cute little stuffed monkey in a U of M tee shirt and U of M pen. She has been saying for months that I am not leaving, and she is mad at Aaron. hahaha. I in turn told her that if I ever find out I am coming back my replacement must be sabotaged!

March 9, 2010- Wow I found this unfinished blog and realized I never finished it. haha. Well, here it is now. :)

2009-09-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend. My friend Erica and her daughter Jenna stayed at my house on Friday night. We hung out, watched TV and movies, and had a little garage sale at my house on Saturday morning. It was so fun.
Saturday Erica's husband Tom kept Jenna and the other two kids (Dylan and Ian) so Erica and I could time just us time. It was honestly the first time we had no kids with us since she got pregnant with Jenna in 1998! (Well, apart from when her Dad was in the ICU, the kids weren't there the first time we went there.) It was awesome to have some time with just the two of us. I love her kids, they are sweet and funny, but it's nice to have grown up time, too.
We went to Mark and Jason's birthday party and had a good time. We got to watch Stevie's weird neighbors fight for over an hour in the front lawn. I was so embarrassed for them. They were two white guys, calling each other honky (sp?) and also the N word. The first one was just stupid, they are both white. And the second name was stupid for the same reason, but it pissed me off just to hear them say it. I hate that word. It's disgusting. I know I have a rotten ass mouth, but even I have a limit. I mean come on people, get some standards.
We watched their stupidity for a while, but when they actually started physically fighting we called the cops. It took them about 15-20 minutes to get there, which from what I heard is good for Westland cops. A couple times I chanted "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!". I don't think they heard it though. It was mostly for my own amusement though. I didn't want the fight to come over to where we all were. None of us wanted to get involved but we did enjoy the show. There were people in their driveways watching. I am surprised we didn't make popcorn. LOL
Today Erica and I slept in a little, and then played around on the computer looking up people we used to know on facebook and myspace. Being dissatisfied with that since we really didn't find anyone we knew, we looked on OTIS and the sex offender registry... and found an ex boyfriend of mine. So now, two of my ex boyfriends are sex offenders. YUCK. One (Jason) went in for rape and aggravated sodomy, as well as beating the girl (his girlfriend at the time) that he raped and assaulting a police officer. I knew about him years ago. The one I found out about today (Will) was a guy I dated in high school. He lived a couple hours north of where I lived then. I actually broke up with him to start dating the one that beat and raped his girlfriend. The one I found today was actually convicted for Criminal Sexual Conduct - Third Degree (Multiple Variables). Frigging sicko.
How do I attract these men? And thank you God for not letting me be one of their victims. I dated Will when I was a senior in high school and then dated Jason for a year and a half after him, but most of the time he was in Korea for the Army.
So that makes reason # 512 why I am lucky to have Aaron. He is not a sexual deviant! :)
OK I need to get back to life and do something productive.

Progesterone levels and Labor Day

2009-09-07T11:04:00.001-07:00

OK, so the two aren't related. But I do want to talk about both of them. So on Friday, 7 days after my + Ovulation test, I had my progesterone level drawn to see if it is a good level and to see if I actually ovulated. Although I haven't received any word on this from the MD office yet, different people on the TTC Boards on www.whattoexpect.com say that my level was good. Makes me happy! My level was 30. From what I gather, 10-15+ is acceptable for ovulation. Clomid is a MIRACLE drug. Now I just need to take Clomid when I am with Aaron so I can actually have sex and try to get pregnant.
***
My friend Brandi invited me to go camping with her for the Labor Day weekend to their Family Labor Day Weekend (FLDW) trip. So my dogs and I went Saturday afternoon. It was a beautiful wooded area somewhere in between Cadillac and Ludington. Her husband's family has made it their tradition to go there for the last 12 years, and they do a great job making it. The cook, Jose, is a great friend of the family and makes all the meals for the people there, which is anywhere in between 50-80 people a year. They have a talent show, field day and night time hide and seek game planned for everyone (13 years old +) there on the property, which is somewhere in between 20-30 acres. It's a family oriented place and it seemed like a lot of fun, so I wanted to go! We got there at 5PM on Saturday and we were home by Sunday at 2PM. However I had every intention on staying until Monday morning or early afternoon. The dogs had another agenda.
The dogs (well, Bear) was ridiculous. He screamed when I was not there with him. We gave each dog a bone, a pull toy, a big bowl of fresh water in the shade, right next to my new fun little tent (courtesy of the birthday money my Dad and step-mom gave me), and he still wailed like a baby when I left. After about 10 minutes of me no longer in his sight and he stopped. Every single whimper, bark and cry was painful for me. He was sad. :(
At one point earlier in the evening on Saturday I commented to Brandi on Bear snarfing down the sticks and leaves, saying it looked like anxious behavior. I should have just seen that and known I should have not brought them and just went home. I guess I was mistaken about thinking they were having fun. I thought they would like being outside in the forest. Most dogs do. Not mine. Nope, I am not sure my dogs even realize they are dogs. I think they might think they are human. After all they do sleep in bed with me and Aaron and have just as much right to be on the couches and love seats as we do... in my opinion. Anyhow, I am getting off topic...
My anxiety increases as the sky gets darker because of that tent. While it is located around about 10-15 other tents, it is still in the forest in the pitch black. I am not scared of the dark, but I am definitely scared of monsters and other things that lurk in the dark. So, me + 2 dogs + small tent in the middle of nowhere + alcohol and an overactive imagination =me laying in my tent afraid all night. Because of this my friend's step-daughter graciously lets me and my canines stay in her tent with her. This relieves me greatly. :)
Because of their (well mostly Bear's) behavior Brandi and I had the dogs with us most of the time. 99% of the other dogs there were happily sleeping in front of their tents and campers, but mine had to act like babies. They were with me most of the time because I couldn't handle hearing them be upset (don't go telling me how I can't do that with kids... I already know. I will baby my dogs because they will never grow up and need to get a job. If I am ever responsible for raising anything with poseable thumbs then I will definitely lay down the law.) and figured the other people shouldn't have to be inconvenienced because my dogs won't shut up. Other dogs there were definitely barking too, and during the day it didn't matter. But Bear and Harvey barked at night too, and I felt bad. So I figured it was better to just have them with us. I even tried to take them with us for hide and seek, but that proved to be a bad idea. Walking with 2 dogs in the dark while trying to successfully hold a drink and a flashlight was very difficult. They also tend to pull at times, making the walk that much more interesting. Needless to say they did not stay long.
Let's fast forward. After drunken hide and seek I get the dogs because Bear is crying. We're sitting at the camp fire, and later I decide to go to bed. Me and my boys curl up in the camper to sleep. They actually fall asleep way quicker than I do, and I have no idea why because I am the one who had 5 bottles of delicious Mikes Hard Lemonade and Labatt Blue. Anyhow, the sleep is not restful. I woke up about once an hour, either being cold or having a sore hip from the less than optimal mattress. If I rolled over one of the 2 dogs would whine because I rolled over and was no longer spooning them. (Seriously.) In the middle of the night I get the brand new sleeping bag Brandi let me borrow and wriggle into it and get all warm and toasty. An hour or so later I wake up to Bear gagging and then puking, on the very camper bed we slept on.
They get down off the bed and I search all over for said vomit. Can't find it. I get off the bed and put my shoes on so I can put them out, still searching for the puke. Did he just have a wet burp or something? I can't be sure, I can't find the evidence. Then, I move the sleeping bag to keep searching. The reason why I couldn't find the vomit was because I ROLLED OVER ON IT IN THE SLEEPING BAG. It was a massive, reeking pile of sticks, twigs, leaves and only God knows what else. I think I described the scent to Brandi as what one would imaging Satan's taint to smell like.
So after I properly dispose of all that grossness and a little sitting with the last of the drunk people at the fire, we sleep in my car until about 8:30. We're on the road again by 11AM.
On the bright side, I got to see Brandi and her family, who I love dearly. :) And I am pleasantly surprised with how well the boys did with the car ride. Let's see they do going to TX. :)
OK well it is time to lay back down on the couch. I am going to get as much relaxing time as I can today before back to dreaded work in the AM.

OK... I need to calm down.

2009-08-28T05:05:00.002-07:00

In my last post I said that I hope I have something awesome to say in the next blog... well I already do!
I got my LH surge after taking the Clomid! FINALLY!!! I am ecstatic that it finally happened. :D
Well if I don't get off the computer and get ready for work I will be late.... again.
I just wanted to share my latest nugget of joy!

(PS- I am not going to lie, I feel crampy on my left side... and it kinda sucks ass. But I guess that's just me making an egg. My ovaries are working against their will! Muahahahahahaaa....)

Good old fashioned emotional purge.

2009-08-27T19:34:00.001-07:00

Here's a word to the wise... a word I can only wish someone would have shared with me a few weeks ago. Don't take clomid when you are in the middle of several life altering events. As if it's not hard enough already! In all honestly though, I don't know if I can blame the mood swings, insatiable ferocious appetite and inconsolable crying fit I had on the meds, or the fact that my life is upside down right now.
The clomid has just reminded me one more time that my body isn't working the way it should. The ONE thing I want to do more than anything else, that other people can do without trying, is the one thing I can't do. Ugh. Pisses me off. And then I wonder if I am not ovulating because of all the stress going on. Another piss off. I should not have taken it!
All I know is one day when I FINALLY have a child, it better not be an asshole! It better an awesome kid. I have gone through enough BS already. That future child/follicle/sperm in New Mexico owes me.
Anywho... it finally hit me on Sunday that I am moving. I was driving to my dad's house for dinner and I got a little misty-eyed. So I dabbed at my face and thought I was done. Then... out of no where, I started wailing. Like I watched my dog get hit by a car wailing. I sat in my car in front of my dad's house crying like a little bitch for a good 5 minutes before I called him and asked him to come out and talk to me. I couldn't act like that in front of my brother and sister, or my step-sisters and their SOs. So he came out and talked to me while I cried my eyes out, and the tears turned into a choking panicky feeling, and I started to hyperventilate. Badly. My face from my cheek bones to my chin were tingly like my face fell asleep. What freaked me out though was when I was getting dizzy and the base of my skull felt weird. Then the nurse part kicked in and thought uhhh... that's where my brain stem is... and it feels fuzzy. Bad sign. Stop it. In order to stop I had to breathe into my hands.
I think my poor, sweet Dad shit himself just a little when I had my little fit. He's the best guy ever though... couldn't ask for a better Dad. Leaving him is going to kill me. And here I go with the water works again. Damnit!
I will miss going to his house for dinner and having talks about the different things to has cooked or wants to cook (the man loves food, this is where I get it from!), and talking about old times that makes him laugh so hard that his face turns red and he stops making noise. Brent and Brianna and I have decided that is our favorite thing to do together is hang out with Dad so we can get him laughing like that. Seeing him laugh like that makes us all so happy, and makes us crack up too... I need a tissue. And a cigarette. Damnit!
We'll be leaving for Texas two days before my sister's 13th birthday. Reason # 531 why this move sucks and Reason #660 why I am going to weep all the way until we get to Little Rock.
But, on the bright side... I have a job interview lined up for a job at the Uvalde Memorial Hospital. Two of their directors called me. The second one that I talked to today told me that all of the directors of nursing are going to be there, so we can discuss where I want to go. Wow. A little intimidating, huh? haha. But this hospital only has 66 beds in the entire place. So it's not like there will be TONS of people there. I don't think...
OK well I need to go to bed. I need sleep so desperately and for some reason I keep denying myself of it. Can't shut my brain off to sleep unless I am sitting at my desk at work. Strange.
OK, night all... I hope the next blog I type has lots of good news, like I am pregnant, gainfully employed in Texas and took a strange liking to extreme heat and large bugs.

Stressed.....

2009-08-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

I talked to Aaron this morning and he told me that he should be done with his Spanish class on October 8! This is great because I don't have to wait as long to see him. But it is horrible because I just lost a month of planning time. Shit!
So I called in to work for tomorrow. Here's the list of why:
1. I have about 8 houses in Uvalde TX that I have to call on and arrange appointments to see the houses.
2. I have to find a U-Haul truck or something like that and book it... fast!
3. I have to apply for more jobs in Texas so we can eat and stuff.
4. I have to apply for a Nursing License in Texas ($200... ugh).
5. I have to get my brakes and rotors done because when I drive it sounds like metal on metal when I brake and it really freaks me out!
6. Hair needs cutting.
7. Need new tags for both cars.
8. Need to mail Aaron his phone so we can actually talk daily and use Verizon instead of pay extra for a pay as you go phone...
9. PACK.
10. Not to mention... I have to figure out what to do with my house... because I can no longer afford it AND fund the move to Texas... isn't that special?!
F*******CK!

It's times like these that I am glad I am not a drinker... because if I was I would be drunk as hell.

PS- I am also in the middle of my first cycle on Clomid. While I have not experienced any psychosis that I was warned about, I doubt it's helping anything. I have been having some cramps for most of the night. That's just wonderful...
OK, I am exhausted. I am going to bed. I hope I wake up with a brain full of answers!
Another PS- Any party I planned to have on the 22nd at my house is officially OFF!

Nicki came to visit!

2009-08-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

Nicki and her daughter Hope left last night. We had a great visit. Wednesday night I picked them up from her cousin Norma's house. After that we drove around Belleville so Nicki could see how much it changed. She could barely recognize it! We past our old high school, which does look the same. We passed the old house that she grew up in, and that was sad. They put a little pond in the front yard, and took the pool out. They put an addition onto the back of the house for a hot tub which definitely looked cool but made it soooo different from the place we used to hang out all the time! We went past where we took our old art classes too, and from the looks of it the house is now abandoned. Either that or they REALLY need to work on that house!
Thursday we went to the Lenawee County Fair. Her cousin was there working for a Christian club of some sort, he is a member. It was me, Nicki, Hope and their cousin Amy. We had fun. It was kinda in the middle of nowhere and we had to drive an hour to get there, but it was interesting. There were a lot of farm animals. I saw some of the strangest things ever there!
1. A horse with crystal blue eyes. They were gorgeous!
2. A goat almost ate my hair when I leaned in to talk to him and pretend to kiss him. (I loved the animals and really did want to kiss a few of them. But they smelled like ass, so it was easy to refrain.)
3. A cow with fuzzy ears! He had long hair on his ears, it looked like he had earmuffs on. lol. He almost licked my face. I was again, acting like I was going to kiss him and he went in for a sneak attack. If I learned nothing else that say I learned that cows have freakishly long tongues. I was several inches away from his face and he almost got me. Weird.
4. The fattest rabbit EVER. He was so friggin' fat that he had chest fat that his head laid on and rested there. It was like he had never eaten anything but Whoppers in his whole life. Not to mention he was long as hell. He was seriously the size of a Beagle. WOW.
5. OK this just shows my sophomoric sense of humor but... There was a goat that was in his pen and he apparently had a hair ball. So, he started coughing, HARD, and he definitely shit himself. Lucky for him he's a goat and probably would have done it in a few minutes anyway, so I doubt he was self conscious. But his butt happened to be facing Amy and me, and we about died laughing. Nicki pretended to not know us then. LOL.
6. Conversation between Amy and me as we were walking into a cow barn, all their butts were facing us:
Amy: We need to be careful, cows kick hard and when they poop they can shoot it out far!
Me: That's disgusting.
Then we simultaneously look to our left and look at the cow we are walking by. This particular cow was, uh... cocked, locked and ready. Either he JUST got done going to the bathroom or was JUST about to go. Either way it was not pretty, and we didn't want to wait to see which one it was. We ran. Laughing.

I saw more shit that day than anything else. Seriously.

Friday I had to work. Boo! But Friday night after work I picked up Nicki and Hope from their cousin's house again and we hung out and watched TV and had some much needed catch up conversation.
Saturday we went to her cousin's house for lunch because more family was there that time, and they had to see them. Thank God I have known her forever or else I would have been so uncomfortable. It was Nicki, Hope, Me, (the rest is all her family) Aunt Marge, Uncle Rex, Norma, Lonnie, Amy, Megan, Onsby, Julia and their three kids. Even though I barely knew most of them they were all very warm and inviting. I felt very comfortable. :)
That night we went to my Dad's house and he got to meet Hope. She is seriously one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen! Her personality is the best, too. She is smart, funny and so, so loving. She would tell me all the time "Andewa ( pronounce it And-oo-wah, haha), I love you." And "I love you to the moon and back." Ugh. I miss her so much already!
Saturday night we watched Twilight... come on, Nicki had to see my new boyfriend (haha)! She liked it. :) Of course she did.
On Sunday we went to Frankenmuth. We were broke so we didn't go to Zehnder's but we walked through all the shops. Hope got her face painted. I'll post pictures when I friggin learn how to.
Nicki is 50% Chippewa, and there just so happens to be a Chippewa Memorial in Frankenmuth in one of the parks. So we got to go to that, it was nice. Small and hidden, but nice. I think it meant a lot to Nicki to see it. She doesn't know all that much about that part of her background.
Then I dropped them off at her cousin's house last night so they could drive back home with Marge and Rex this morning. I cried like a little bitch when I had to say bye to Hope! It went something like this:
Me- OK Hopie, gimme a hug, I have to go home.
Hope- I go wif you?
Me- No baby, you have to stay here with Mommy so you can go home in the morning. (sniffle, wimper)
Hope- Why?
Me- So you can see your Daddy.
Hope- Is your nose running?
Me- (peals of laughter) Yeah, probably.
Kisses, hugs, more crying, put the baby down, say good bye, leave the house as fast as I can.
It was so much easier to say bye to Nicki this time than it was last year! Probably because it was so much harder to say goodbye to Hope than it ever had been to say bye to Nicki.
I want to keep her!
OK, it is about time for bed. I am exhausted. Plus I have only had one cigarette today and I am trying really hard to not run to my car and get a pack.

Nicki is coming to visit!

2009-07-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

My friend Nicki, who lives in VA, is coming to Michigan this week. I am so excited! I saw her last summer for literally a day when I went to VA for a family wedding. Besides that though I haven't seen her since 2004. So it will be great to catch up.
And, she is going to have her 3 year old daughter Hope with her, so I can finally meet her little girl! I can't wait!
I am going to try to get a day off work this week if I can, so I can spend a little more time with them. I found out that she is definitely coming earlier today, so having notice to try to get the time off was not exactly an option.
Today we celebrated my dad's birthday at his house. We had steaks on the grill, it was damn good. Then after that my sister Brianna and I went to see 'My Sister's Keeper.' I cried like a little girl. I honestly probably cried for half of the movie. It was good though. And I am glad I got to see it with her. The little goober made fun of me for literally sobbing in the movie theatre but it was still worth it. :)
I love what that my relationship with my brother and sister is getting better and better as we get older. We have a lot of fun together. We laugh a lot. It's a relationship unlike any other. I have nothing else to compare it to. I love those two so much. How our lives came together was definitely not an ideal situation, but at least we got something good out of it- each other.
OK... total change of subject.
I really, REALLY want to keep working on the book ideas I have. However, everything I write usually sounds like a giant pile of garbage. It is irritating. I have stories in my head, and in there they sound like good ideas. As soon as I start to type the words, the story lose it's fluidity and it turns into mechanical He said: blah. She said: blah pile of crap. I don't understand it. Maybe I am creative enough to think of OK ideas to write about but not talented enough to be a good story teller. I know I can't tell a joke to save my life... maybe this is the case. That pisses me off. I want to be good at the things I am interested in/enjoy doing!
OK, I am tired, my contacts feel like they are glued to my eyeballs, and I have to work in the morning. See ya'll later.

My letter to Jermaine

2009-07-25T21:03:00.001-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. First of all, every single opinion I have of you is a direct result of your actions. I didn't pull this all out of thin air. I formed these feelings and opinions over the years watching her confidence and well-being dwindle away while she stayed with you.
At first you were charming, as you men tend to be. She was besotted with you. You were warm, affectionate, caring, all the things you were supposed to be and all the things she deserved. In the beginning I actually defended you.
I know that she, like all girls can fabricate things in her head, making them worse than they actually are. I gave you the benefit of the doubt more times than anyone should. Each time you ended up proving me wrong and her suspicions correct.
Over time this changed, the fun and newness of your relationship with my friend faded. I know there were several factors that contributed to this. With every relationship the spark can fade a little over time, and I don't blame you for that. That's natural. I do, however, blame you for not trying harder. Relationships are hard work. I know I shouldn't expect you to know what hard work is, since I don't think you have had many experiences with it. You tend to avoid responsibility and work like the plague. And if you don't believe me, talk to the mother of your child that you don't support. I am sure she will agree with me.
You made her actually believe that she deserved your bad behavior. She must have believed it on some level, because I can't explain why else she would have stayed with you for so long.
To my knowledge you never abused her physically. That's good for you. I can assure you your life would be much more grim than it already is if you had. I don't know how because I know I am no match for you in the physical sense. But I strongly outweigh you mentally and would configure something to hurt you badly. Between me and her family and our friends... lets just say it would have been gravely dangerous for you. I promise you that. And never forget that.
Even though you never laid your hands on her you hurt her like no other man ever has. With your words and your actions you made her feel so low and useless. How dare you?! She was easily the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you shit on her. I don't understand it. Someone like you would be very lucky to be with a woman half as good as her.
You took advantage of her in every way you could. You used her, you lied to her, you stood her up, you called her names, you treat her like she was less than human. You made her cry countless times. She missed out on so much in those two years because of you. You sucked the strength and life out of her. Before she got with you she was a very strong woman. By the time she left you she was stripped of her strength that defined her and became a vulnerable shadow of her former self. You robbed her of her confidence that has taken her so long to get back.
What gets me so mad is she never deserved any of it. She never did anything but treat you well. The times she was bad to you was a reaction to you treating her bad. I know this, do not deny it. You just did it because you could. If you turned the energy you spend being manipulative and cruel to people into something useful you could be a successful man. But I won't waste my time talking about the man you could be because you will never exert that energy for something useful. You will never accomplish anything good, it is not in your nature.
I really despised your facade of friendliness whenever I was around you. I know you didn't like me. I don't blame you, I kept trying to talk your girlfriend into leaving you. I used to get so angry when I would see you because I would automatically smile and say hi to you as a reaction, because that's what I do when I see all people that I know. Then my brain would catch up and realize what my body did and get pissed because you were not worth the energy used to make the fake smile. I think about it often that if I run into you again I hope I can overcome the nervousness and not smile and say hi but just stare at you blankly.
And if you're wondering why I would be nervous about you being around me, refer to the night I was in your driveway at your mom's house in her car, and your car was parked behind hers blocking us in the driveway. My God you are so lucky I didn't tell my husband about that until months later. You have absolutely no idea how incredibly lucky you are.
I know that she told me about your dad dying when you were young, and how she figures that is where so many of your problems come from. While I am very sorry you had to go through that I am sorry for the loss of your father, I got news for ya buddy... life's not fair. Everyone has obstacles to overcome. Everyone has bad things happen to them. Those things don't define you. How you react, learn and grow from them defines you and makes you who you are.
I see people go through worse than you imagine at work. Then, they get better and continue with their lives and do great things. What's your excuse? Why weren't you capable of that. Here's the answer. You ARE capable of it and you choose not too. You are so weak.
I hope that the hate that I feel for you now will fade into indifference. I know that I am not completely indifferent to you yet because I get mad when you call her and bother her. But in some aspects I am actually indifferent. For example, I do not care if you live or die. Maybe one day when I mature more I will be able to pity you. That's really how it should be. But I am not there yet.
In conclusion, you are such a waste of a human being. Such a colossal failure. You have cost my friend, whom I love dearly, an immeasurable amount of suffering. She didn't deserve it. There is nothing you can do to repair it but leave her alone. Never talk to her again. Never see her again. That is the best thing you could do for her.
You're a disappointment to all who know you. You are a burden to the world. I am not overexaggerating. You truly do no good, apart from maybe make your friends laugh. But they are bound to be as useless as you are. I doubt the company you keep now can be any better than you, because real people wouldn't put up with your shit. Your family doesn't even spend time with you.
I wish I could tell you that I wish you the best and to have a nice life. But I can't. I just wish you would go away.

My playlist makes me laugh!

2009-07-13T20:28:00.000-07:00

I was listening to my MP3 player on the way home from Kim's house tonight and it just kinda amused me. On my playlist is Aerosmith, Michael Buble, Lady Gaga, the Twilight Soundtrack (don't judge it is AWESOME), Tone Loc, Guns and Roses, Black Sabbath, Marilyn Manson, Eve, Bob Marley and others.
If nothing else I have a wide range of interest in music. LOL
Soon to be on there is Madonna, Dixie Chicks (don't tell anybody) and Missy Elliot. haha.

Ooh and Kim I want to burn some that Sail song from the Lionel Richie CD!

Update on the Myspace drama. :) Renamed.

2009-07-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

Haha, so my friend emailed me back and said, "Yeah I have no idea what happened, I lost a lot of my friends on here, send me another request." So it looks like it was no more than another instance of me over reacting. I do it often.
And where in the hell are all the mosquitoes coming from? I kill at least one a day in my house! Mother effers!
My first day back to work after the three day weekend was today and I am very upset to be back already. I need a vacation! A loooong one. Like, 3 months. Speaking of needing things, I also need someone to buy my house, to lose about 80 pounds and an ipod nano. I would be a much happier girl if all those things happened.
After I finish watching Twilight again (for the ninth time... Good Lord) I am going to work out, shower, then go to bed. I just can't help myself. I love Robert Pattinson. He doesn't know it yet, but he's going to be my boyfriend. ;)

MySpace Politics

2009-07-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

I recently had an old friend (lets call him Bob) find me on myspace that I had not spoken with in probably, 7 or 8 years. It was very nice to get reconnected to Bob, catch up on things, etc. We had a few long phone conversations. It was cool.
However, my husband did not like it. And I don't blame him. I found out something quite interesting about this friend of mine and waited for him to come clean with it and he never did. I was waiting for Bob to tell me where he had been all these years. Another friend and I were searching on the Michigan OTIS, goofing around to see if we knew any people in prison (we actually did- scary) Bob being one of these people. Since he was in for armed robbery (holy crap!), I think the honest thing would be is to admit it to me. We were at one time very close. He was one of my best friends in high school.
Despite what he did I was willing to look past it and still be at least friends who occasionally talk. I don't know his side of the story, and even if he did do it (which he must have, right?) I think the chance of him doing something stupid around me is probably very low. Am I stupid? Naive? Quite possibly. But it is hard to think one of my friends was capable of doing something that bad. So I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. And once people have served their time, they should be given a clean slate? Maybe?? Under certain circumstances?? I dunno. There's a whole lotta gray area here.
So we talked on myspace a few times, and he was friends with a couple of my friends. I am not on myspace much now, because I am indeed a grown woman with a career... and plus I like facebook more now. LOL. Yeah, don't let me fool you into thinking I am "beyond" social networking websites. But I hadn't hear from him in a while so I shot him an email. Never heard back. OK, we're all busy, I understand. A couple months later I send him another email inviting him out to the festival I am going to today and gave him my cell.
I checked myspace this morning to see if he read the email I sent him. He did. So I went to send him a comment on his page and say hey are you going today? And then myspace said to me "You must be one of this person's friends to leave a comment."
Hence the reasoning behind this entire blog. Why do people take myspace and fb so seriously? Just because I don't talk to you often on there because I have a real life doesn't mean I am ignoring you. Damn people. There should be a box people have to check when they start one of those websites so it can warn the rest of the normal people.
It should look something like this:
I will be:
A.- Not at all offended if you don't contact me often on here because it's a website and I understand it is real life.
B.- Somewhat offended you don't contact me often on here because although it is a website it is one of my favorite ways to communicate with friends and family.
C.- F*CKING PISSED if you don't contact me often on here because this is as important as any other aspect of my social life! This is my life and don't you rob me of it!

For future reference... if I am not on myspace or facebook often it's not because I don't have warm fuzzy feelings for you, it's because I have to do things like cook and clean and work. OK?

Not sure what to call this one...

2009-07-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

I feel this need to write even though my life is, at this point, particularly boring. Sorry for those of you who feel compelled to read this. haha.
I have been thinking about writing a book. I have talked about it for years. I had a... for lack of a better word... "interesting" childhood and this is what sparks the idea for the book. It is a fictitious piece of writing inspired by true events that happened to me and my family. One day I was thinking about it and was like, "WOW- wouldn't this shitty situation be even more horrific if events A,B and C were thrown in too?! Now that is something I can write about!" And *poof* there was the idea.
Now I just hope I can commit to it and actually do it. I have lots of ideas for things and never follow through with them.
Although no I take it back, life is not entirely boring right now. On July 1 Kim had my second niece, Violet. She is adorable! I am actually going over to Kim's house ASAP to help out/pick up dinner/visit/whatever needs to be done. I am only blogging right now because I just fed the dogs and now they have to be outside for their obligatory post-feeding poo. I do not want to come home to two dog piles in my kitchen. Hardly appetizing.
So Aaron has been gone for almost 2 months now. It is still hard. I am getting used to sleeping on my own, but I miss the companionship. I miss his laugh. I really resent having to get a step stool or a pair of tongs to reach the cereal on the top shelf. He was really handy that way. I still shriek like a little bitch when I see a bug, and miss his bug killing expertise dearly.
On the plus side to being alone though, dinner time is very easy. I don't think I have cooked in two weeks. lol. Dinners often consist of food from the local middle eastern restaurant, or soup, or toast with peanut butter and jelly. And no I am not destitute. I am lazy! I find I actually eat less with Aaron here. Weird. I SO thought it would be the opposite.
Well the dogs are probably done, so I should go. I want to snuggle my newborn niece.

A few random thoughts.

2009-06-15T04:37:00.000-07:00

I am so tired this morning. I had a surprise visitor knocking on my door at quarter past twelve, after I had already been lying in my bed for over an hour. While I love the friend who came to visit me, I do NOT love the time he chose. Now I am f*cked for work this morning. I was laying in bed after he left too awake to go back to sleep. Not to mention he scared the SHIT out of me.... I live alone and when someone knocks on your door and gets you out of bed at Midnight it is scary. Well at least it was for me last night! I called Autumn and woke her up because I was scared! LOL OK I need to get over this. It's done.
I have been thinking of ways to embrace the desire to lose the weight. Then it occurred to me as I was looking at some thin, slender girl and being mad at her for her that there is no reason to get mad at her. She obviously made a decision. You can't have it all. You can't be thin and eat what you want. That thin girl probably never eats half the crap I do. She's probably miserable because she never gets to taste anything good. Well, I would rather that kind of miserable then being miserable because you're fat and feel disgusting and unhealthy. So then I realized I have to make a decision. Either way you're gonna be miserable, which way do I want to be miserable? Either because I am fat or because eating now sucks because all the food tastes like cardboard and garbage. I am trying to stick to my decision to be miserable for the latter cause.
I did NOT do a good job of that this weekend. I blame that on hormones and craving to eat chips and dip all weekend. It was FAB but I know it was so bad.
On Saturday I signed up to be a Mona Vie distributor. I have not ordered the juice yet but as soon as I can afford to I will. If anyone is interested in learning about it let me know. :)

Twilight

2009-05-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

So a couple months ago my cousin and I watched it. I LOVED it. I was with her over Memorial Day weekend, we watched it again. Oh my God. LOVE. So I went out and bought it the next day. I have watched it twice this week. And I am reading the book. Help me.
I feel silly because people say it is geared for teenage girls, but hell no it's NOT. Edward Cullen is way too smoldering hot for teenagers. Uhhh.... I probably shouldn't watch it anymore. I am a married woman. Yet that movie... uh you just gotta watch it. Kim said that vampires shouldn't sparkle. He could roll around in a pile of dog shit and look just as delicious as he does sparkly. And what's my favorite thing ever? Diamonds! If a man looks encrusted in jewels it's all the more reason to love him. :D
Robert Pattinson is probably one of the most painfully sexy people I have ever seen in my life. Painful. Frustratingly, painfully gorgeous.

Don't even feel like blogging.

2009-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the PMS... maybe it's the whole situation coming to a head in my life... I think it's likely a rotten combination of the two. Aaron left for training today. I am probably not going to see him again for 6 months.
I should have known I was going to be an emotional wreck when I cried at Kroger because I saw ham steaks and those are one of his favorite things. I shoulda known...
I came home tonight after Kim's Baby Shower talking to Aaron on the phone. I could feel myself welling up and figured, OK lets get this over with now. I was dreading going through the house and seeing his things so I just went through every room and looked at it to get the heart sinking feeling out of the way. I didn't cry. I wailed like a child. I am not sure why. It's not like he freaking died!
The way I feel now is like the way I felt after a particularly horrible break up with a guy I dated in college. I was a mess for weeks. I cried at everything. It was a total surprise break up. I thought we were doing great, but apparently not. haha.
Anyway... I saw his stuff he left in the shower, lip quivered. I saw his slippers in the bedroom, it only got worse. Then I thought about what it's going to be like to lay in bed tonight and hug his pillow and smell him on it and that precisely when I started crying like a 5 year old who dropped their ice cream cone on the floor at the fair. Needless to say I have set up camp on the couch in the basement until I am ready to go handle it all. WTF. I wish I would start my f*cking period already people. If this is what I am like the whole 6 months he is gone I am going to need some intervention.
We've been apart before, when he went to Iraq for a year... but this seems just as hard even though it's MUCH better circumstances. Before we weren't even engaged for half of the time he was gone, and now we have been married for 2 years and living together for over 3... I don't even know what to do with myself. It's depressing.
So tonight I will sit on my couch, cry and eat cheesecake for dinner. I don't even care enough to have a real meal. Plus the leftover cheesecake sounds damn tasty. And no one is here to stop me. haha.
Hopefully my next blog won't be so obnoxiously... um.... emotional/pathetic/lame as this one. :(

No BFP for me!

2009-05-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

Due to the whole Aaron leaving for Texas on May 17 and us moving in November we are going to quit trying to get pregnant. It sucks but it makes the most sense. Well since he will be gone in about 2 weeks it kinda puts the whole trying aspect to a screeching halt so that kinda made the decision for us! No but seriously as long as I'm not pregnant right now I have to kinda keep it that way until he gets done with training and we are living together again.
If I were to get pregnant now that would suck so bad for both of us. All the housework and moving to me, the pregnant one. He would miss out on his first child's ultrasounds and first kicking, etc... and God forbid if I were to miscarry. That would screw him all up with training and the academy because all he would want to do is be here with me.
So of course this is the responsible, mature thing to do. But if I were to find out I was pregnant I would still be ecstatic. I would get to be a Mommy! AND then I would know my girlie bits are working! Double Yay!
While I am on the whole subject I suck SO bad at temping. Every day is practically a different time. But I am sorry I am not getting up early to take my temp so it's at exactly the same time every day. Fertilityfriend.com says it hasn't detected ovulation but I think it's wrong... I think I might have last week. :) We'll see in a few weeks I guess!
Hmm... if I am pregnant now I hope the multiple beers and shots I had last night don't touch the little stinker. I usually don't drink anymore at social things because we are TTC, but hey the party was at my house and for my husband before he leaves for 6 months... drinks were in order for me. And I figure even if I do get pregnant this month, s/he hasn't even implanted yet. So no guilt.
OK I am starving and have much stuff to around this house before my Mom gets here tomorrow. :)

Texas Bound!

2009-04-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well it's official... Aaron got his offer to join the Border Patrol... and he is going to be stationed in Carrizo Springs, Texas.
I haven't been to Texas since I was like, 5 when I would do day trips El Paso for shopping when we lived in Clovis NM. I have no freaking idea what to expect. Well yeah I do, I expect men with big belt buckles and tight jeans, in trucks with Confederate Flags on them going "WOOOOO". And cows, and tumble weed, and Hank Hill.
Does anyone know about Texas? Am I right? Am I a Michigander that is going to have a complete culture shock in 6 months? Fill me in!
Aaron leaves for training on May 17... so from there it is just me left to get the house ready then out it up on the market. Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk....

Something cooler than an Easter Basket!

2009-04-12T05:59:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning to none other than a period. YAY!
I know, how many women can say they're honestly happy about getting a period!? But this is a GREAT step for me! It means I ovulated! According to my new "cycle", I ovulated around probably the end of March. So only after about 3 weeks of being on glucophage. That shit is magic, I swear!
I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am hoping it happens more often (lets say, every 28-35 days) so I can have a little Lamorand.
I was literally hopping up and down in the bathroom with the biggest smile on my face. You would have thought I won the lottery. :)
So maybe there is hope after all...
:D
Ecstatic!

Unfortunately this is probably a good sign.

2009-03-28T14:33:00.001-07:00

I feel evil. No, I don't think you get it. Evil. EEEVILLL. Like, leave the room, don't come in to my eye sight without either a dazzling compliment or ... actually no. Not even that, and chocolate makes me sick now, so that won't even sway me. I am glad I don't have the balls to act out the images in my head. I would be in big trouble. I don't want to kill anyone, but I do want to yell at people until they cry and/or crack a dining room chair across someone's back. Damnit.
I am trying SO hard to let it pass. But as soon as I feel it going away, I see something that pisses me off all over again.
As bad as this is to go through, and as ugly as it could be, deep down I know this is good because it probably means my body is absorbing my hormones again. Unfortunately the hormones that make me feel like a sociopath are the same little nuggets of joy that will help me ovulate and ultimately, conceive, so I really can't complain too much. This ugly, vile attitude I feel is probably estrogen, progesterone, or a cyclone whirl mix of the two coming back into my blood stream in the amounts that I should be having. God, one can only hope. Because if I feel this livid for NO DAMN REASON it will only be bad.
Yeah I have been moody over the last few months occasionally even though I wasn't having periods, but this is above and beyond. I hope this means I am "back to normal".
Ugh.
I feel like if I open my mouth and speak it will sound like Reagan from the Exorcist.

My observations about Lent

2009-03-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

So this year for Lent I gave up fast food and regular pop. For the most part I have done well, but I have slipped a few times. Yesterday I stopped and got a beef and cheddar (no fries because I figured it would be better than a cheeseburger from McDonalds. To me, Arby's is the Cadillac of fast food, it IS fast food but it's not as shitty as McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King. I had to eat something so I could take my meds. I was on 23 going up to visit my family for the weekend. Can't eat a salad in the car now can I? So that was bad. But I think God gets it. The ONLY time I have had regular pop is when it was the ONLY thing to drink and I take as little as possible. I am trying.
A woman from my work has been giving me things from her church lately. I like it though, I think I approached her about it, so it's not annoying. Last week she left a little black book on my desk that has daily 6 minute reads, and you read one section a day through all of Lent. I have really enjoyed it, and it has made Lent make more sense to me. I realize now it's a time to try to be closer to God through denying yourself things you would usually have. Through your "suffering" you should be seeking God, not bitching because you can't have jelly beans because that is what you gave up. By reading it I have realized calling yourself a Christian and actually BEING a Christian are two very different things. I believe in God very much and pray and think about Him more than I probably let on, but even with that I still do not lead a very Christian lifestyle. So this year I have trying very hard to do more than just give up pop and not eat meat on Fridays and I am using this time to reflect on God and my relationship with Him. It's just what I needed too. I can't really explain what it's doing for me, I guess the best way to put it is it is giving me comfort I wouldn't otherwise have. Different from the comfort and love of my husband, family and friends. I am very lucky to have a life blessed with people I love, it's just something other than that. Anyhow, I am rambling about something that probably few people wish to read, and that's fine. :)
My last pondering thought for the day is this... am I judgmental or do I just vocalize my thoughts? At what point does it go from an opinion to a judgment? So for example, if last night there was a woman at a bar who was wearing a horrific outfit from the 60's. I asked the people at the table if they thought she had lost a bet. lol. Now is this a judgment or a joke/opinion? I personally think it's amusing either way, bad or not. This is also something I am trying to work hard on during Lent, as well as swearing. I swear like a sailor and I should try to curb that before I have babies.
OK well I am going to dinner and a movie with my cousin Yasmine to celebrate her birthday. She is honestly one of my favorite people in the world... I love her.) :)

Goober and Clyde.

2009-03-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, after I left the RE's (Reproductive Endocrinologist's) office, I just wanted to run away. But then I realized that I am taking my problem (my ovaries) with me. No matter where I go, there they are. So in my head I imagined these two little green gross looking things with eyes, (my perception of my bum ovaries) that resemble a cross between an almond and the Squidbillies. (If you don't know who they are, you HAVE to google them.) Two sad little reject ovaries with pathetic little eyes, goofy teeth and the occasional random hair sticking out of it's little ovary face. It kinda made me laugh. I would find the ability to make a joke out of a disease. Ah well. I am still quite upset about it, but thankfully I learned at an early age how to not stay sad for long consecutive periods of time. There is the occasional comic relief. I assume it's a coping mechanism. Well whatever it is, I am glad I have it! I'm not fooling myself, but at least I am not constantly depressed.
So tonight I drew a picture of my two ovaries and named them Goober and Clyde. I was slightly amused by this. Now there's a face to the name(s). :)

So you all might find this part cheesy...
I was looking for a quote to use for the name of my blog, something along the lines of, laugh so you don't cry... something to that effect. Then I came across Nat King Cole's song "Smile" and it is perfect. It is EXACTLY how I feel. So of course I have to put the lyrics here. And NO I am not doing this to be like some little weird emo kid. That shit annoys the hell outta me.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

update

2009-03-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

My doctor's appointment was yesterday and yes, it is official, I have PCOS. I saw my cyst filled ovaries with my own eyes. Well, not in person, that would be bad, but on the ultrasound screen. PS- If you ever have to have a saline infusion sonohysterography thing and someone tells you it doesn't hurt you tell them they are a F*CKING liar, because YES IT DOES.

I am so angry. And sad. It makes me mad because there is no one to blame. It's no one's fault, yet I have to deal with a world of crap now. I will be on Clomid in 4 or 5 months time if I don't get regular periods with just the glucophage.
On the bright side though, I love my reproductive endocrinologist. She is such a sweet caring woman. She actually enjoys what she does and it shows. I got lucky to get her. And she is very pro-active. She has a plan in store for me and I don't think she'll stop until I have a child. :)
I am scared. I am trying to remind myself this is not a death sentence or anything like that, but I can't help but feel like I am grieving a little. I am grieving the loss of my fertility, in a sense. There is no guarantee I can have a baby. I do have one friend who has PCOS and she said she felt the same way I do. And now she has a beautiful 2 month old daughter. I will remember them often during all this BS.
I have been doing some research: women without PCOS have a 15-20% chance of miscarriage. Women with PCOS, 45-50%. Women with PCOS also have a higher risk of gestational diabetes, high blood pressure during pregnancy, blood clotting issues (that could cause a clot in my placenta and cut off the blood to a baby, killing it...), premature births and high birth weight babies than women without PCOS. So even if I DO get pregnant, the worry is not over. Even though I know the news could be worse, I could have uterine cancer or something equally nightmarish, it's still bad news.
This diagnosis almost makes me feel like less of a woman. I am a woman for one thing, to reproduce. The one thing that my body was MADE FOR I may not even be able to do. Women who can't read or write and live in a friggin van down by the river can still get knocked up. People who have no reason bringing offspring into this world can make a hobby of it, while people like me have to go to infertility specialists and cry and go through painful procedures and take medicine just to try to get that chance.
I said it before, and wow does it hit me like a ton of bricks now. THIS is the thanks I get. I played by the rules (mostly) all my life. I went to school, graduated, went to college, got a degree, met a great guy, fell in love, got married, got a good job, got a 401K, bought a house, and this is how I am repaid for doing the right thing. Maybe I should have slept around, rob people, did drugs and not go to college. Then I would probably be a mother of 4.
OK I have to go get ready for work. I will feel sorry for myself more later.

Blood work

2009-03-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

I had my blood drawn yesterday in preparation for the big test this Thursday. My doctor is a U of M doctor, and I work for U of M, so I have access to my labs. Each one pops up one by one, and I look at the results. Fasting glucose was OK. 2 hour post prandial glucose was OK too. Good. FSH was OK, estradiol was higher than it should be for this time in the month, but I don't know what that means. SO for the most part, my workup is unremarkable, which is good. Then, my insulin comes back. Normal is 1-21. Mine was 56.6. Looks like I am insulin resistant. I'm not a doctor, so I am not sure, but that's definitely what it sounds like. And insulin resistance is a hallmark sign of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Well isn't that just fabulous.

On the bright side, I may be wrong. I may get another diagnosis on Thursday. I highly doubt it, but I could be wrong. But all the signs pretty much fit the bill. If the doctor says I do not have PCOS I may even go for a second opinion, it seems that unlikely for it to be something other that PCOS. And on the other bright side (is there one when you're about to be diagnosed with the number one reason for female infertility?) at least now I KNOW what the hell is going on. That is probably why I have gained 30-40 pounds in the last 2 years. That is why the skin on my arms looks different. That is why I do not have periods. Maybe now something can be done to fix it? Now maybe I can get pregnant??

Ugh. Who knows. I will put up another blog later in the week after I have my appt.

Seriously?

2009-02-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

Since last Monday I have been having shitty luck. It is starting to piss me off... bad. Here's the details.

I like to think of myself as an optimist. Really I do. I know I am a very lucky person in the grand scheme of things.

Last Monday- my filling falls out of my tooth and I have to have an emergency tooth extraction. The silver lining: at least I found a dentist near my house that I really like that took me that day. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Wednesday- I get a sore throat, which turns into a cold. I have to call in Thursday because I am sick. The silver lining: I was feeling back to my old self by this Tuesday, and thank God I have a job where I can call in sick. I accrue 16 hours of PTO a month. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Saturday- I was at a party, feeling like crap, when it finally hit me. *I AM PROBABLY MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I AM LEAVING ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE.* I proceed to spend the rest of the time I am there crying uncontrollably and leave without saying goodbye, which is SO not my style. The silver lining: I won't be leaving until I sell the house, so I am practically guaranteed more time with these awesome friends of mine. AND, thank God we have the opportunity to find a better job for my husband when thousands of people are losing theirs. Yes, we are lucky. So OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
Last Sunday- Our washing machine starts banging loudly and acting possessed in our basement. It is broken in the middle of a load. We have tons of laundry to do. The silver lining: My sister in law lives 8 miles away and she graciously lets us use her washer and dryer when we need it. AND we have a warranty on our washer until October 2010, so it will be fixed at no charge to us. OK, at least I am trying to look at the bright side.
This Tuesday- I am on my way to work, and I start my car to heat it up... my tire is flat. Motherf*cker. I have to call AAA to get them to put my spare on (no, I don't know how to do it myself and as long as I have a husband or a AAA membership I have no intention on learning. And no you can't talk me out of it...) then I sit in Discount Tire for 1 1/2 hours waiting for my tire to get fixed. And I shit you not, as I get out of my car I stand up and almost scream in pain because I pulled a muscle I didn't know I had in my nether-regions. My God I didn't know you could have a pain like that and not be on your period or crowning. It was horrible. Thank God it subsided after 600mg of motrin and a Coke. The silver lining: Discount Tire patched the 2 holes in my tire for free, and I was not in trouble for coming in to work 2 1/2 hours late. I am still trying to look at the bright side.
Wednesday-Today- My husband tells me that he is reenlisting for 6 years in the National Guard, which sucks. But, on the bright side, he is going to get a 15K bonus if he passes the PT test... by March 1. Thanks to President Obama there will be no more reenlistment bonuses after March 1, 2009. But I am thinking to myself, WOW- we can pay off our credit cards and be in a MUCH better financial situation! AWESOME!!!!! Alas, he was not able to run the 2 miles in less than 17 minutes. That sucked. I feel bad for him though because he tried as hard as he could. I am not at all disappointed in him, I am proud of him for trying. In his defense he had NO warning. The same day he found out about the test he went and did it. The silver lining: Well, at least no one took 15K away from us, right?? There has GOT to be a bright side, right?
Today- We got our tax return info back today and we're not getting half of what we expected. Son of a BITCH. Now we can't buy the treadmill we wanted OR pay off the small (ha) credit card. The silver lining: Our good friend Jessica is going to redo our taxes and see if she can find something was missed last time. I think at this point the bright side is a bad, bad place.

So... today I played the lottery. LOL. I figured hey, what the hell? What's the worst that could happen? NOT WIN? LMAO after this week who gives a shit. But on the bright side, if my luck turns around this would be a GREAT pay back for all the bullshit I went through these last couple weeks. And I would LOVE to help out my family and friends by paying off their mortgages, cars, whatever else they needed. Oh and PS I would go to England and live it up. :)
Hey, dreams are free...

Oh PS- while all these things are happening I am having another medicine induced period which makes me feel like ASS. AND the big test is Thursday. I am terrified to think of what the result could be. If I am infertile I will find out that day at the meeting afterward with the doctor. I was told at my last appointment to bring someone with me, because I could potentially get really bad news, and that the test is humiliating because you're sitting on a table, spread eagle, with saline leaking out of you and it feels like you're peeing on the table. Yay, I can't wait. :/

Randomness: Aaron is sitting next to me as I type this and he is playing the guitar and singing for Harvey. He has played most of his regulars... but Bob Marley's Redemption Song is having a tranquilizing effect on Harvey. He actually had to lie down in the middle of the song because he literally could not hold his eyes open any longer. Before Harvey was sitting intently right in front of Aaron watching him play. It was sweet. We have to get a video camera and tape Harvey and Aaron and their Daddy-Doggy bonding time. :)

Arizona or Bust?

2009-02-21T00:42:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I do not feel good at all. I am on lots of meds, including half a vicodin for the unrelenting sore throat and general muscle soreness that is accompanying this cold from hell. Oh yeah, AND I had a tooth pulled this week too. This week has been kinda crappy. At least right now it doesn't feel too bad. I am getting a little sleepy though. So if blog is goofy, it is because I am blogging on meds.

Last May Aaron applied for a position with the Border Patrol. With his background we figured hey, great job, good pay, no worries of layoffs, we can't go wrong?
Last week Aaron got a phone call from someone in Washington DC that said his application was completely processed and it looked good, now we are just waiting for the final/official offer. HOLY SHIT. This job will definitely move us out of state, to the Mexican Border. He put his preference in for Tucson Arizona. The man from DC is talking to the hiring center about our house, he will hopefully find a way for us to get out of our mortgage so we can move. We simply can't afford to go to AZ and pay for our mortgage here too.
I know virtually nothing about Arizona. I just googled different stores I go to, and yes, they have a Target, Kmart and 13 Walmarts. However, no Meijer or Kroger. Where will I buy food? I talked to the lady from the Chamber of Commerce there, and I think she thought I was a dumbass. I asked her if there were scorpions. Heh, she was like, "Yes, honey, we live in the desert." I act cool like, oh, OK... but inside I am freaking out. DESERT? People really live in deserts? I used to live in New Mexico when I was a young child but 1. I lived on an Air Force Base, and 2, I moved to Michigan before my 6th birthday and I have been here ever since. I remember having grass in New Mexico. All the pictures of houses for rent I see in Tucson just have dirt, bushes, gravel... no grass. I guess that is cool for someone who doesn't like to mow the lawn (i.e. Aaron and I). But if I see a scorpion I will definitely, without a doubt in my mind either shit myself or scream. I am leaning toward a little of both. I don't like creepy crawlies. Oh and PS- she said they have Black Widows there too. Great. Fan-f*cking-tastic. Every time I have been bitten by a spider in the past I end up in the ER due to the swelling of the area that gets bitten. So why don't we add a spider with poisonous venom into the mix. Awesome. Will I need an epi-pen? :/
On the bright side when I was looking for houses for rent, they have a WHOLE lot of new houses for rent, bigger than our current house, well kept (at least it appears that way on the 'net...) for hundreds less than we pay for our mortgage now. I mean sure, we could get one that costs more, but that would just be stupid. Plus, I like the thought of making more money than we do now and spending less to live than we do now. It won't make up for being essentially alone in a strange place, but at least maybe we can get in a better place financially, which sounds great.
The thought of being without my families (my own and Aaron's...) and our friends is depressing as hell. I don't want to miss my sister grow up, or Sadie and Juniper (that's what I will call her until I know what her real name is). I love my job, I like my house, I have great friends that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world... and there's a really good chance I am going to leave it all. Sounds horrible. But at the same time, with the economy the way it is, passing up a job in the Border Patrol could very well prove to be the biggest mistake we ever made. AND, if we have the opportunity to get out of our mortgage and just rent again and not have all the worries home-ownership entails, that would also be a huge blessing. I just hope all our friends and family keep that in mind and instead of making us feel guilty for leaving they wish us well instead. :( And I hope they all move with us too.
Don't you all want to live in the desert with me? Cue in Sam Kinison's stand up comedy "YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING DESERT! IT'S SAND!" LOL.
So, can anyone tell me anything about Tucson? Have you ever been there? Would you live there? What parts should I avoid? Which hospital should I try to work in? Are they nice there? Will I be a minority being non-Hispanic? (better known as pasty white girl) Fill me in!
OK, I think it's about time for me to flop on the bed and get some much needed rest. So friends, please consider moving with us. It'll be fun! It'll be an adventure! Please don't make us do it alone!! :(

Dentist from Heaven

2009-02-17T04:17:00.000-08:00

So, I was at work yesterday training a patient how to administer her own home antibiotics and out of nowhere I feel something big in my tooth. It's huge filling was coming out. Grrreeeeaaattt. This tooth is, believe it or not, a baby tooth. I have two spots in my mouth where adult teeth buds never formed, so after the baby teeth came out, all I have after that is a toothless gap. Yuck.
This filling is GINORMOUS. I basically had no tooth left when it came out. So after teaching patients about antibiotics I go back to the office, google dentists in Livonia (why Livonia I don't know, I just did. However I live in Westland. Whatever.) I find this one called Concord Dental Group, I like their website, they have evening hours 2 days a week, and they're only a few miles from my house. I called them, they can take me that night for an emergency appointment. YAY! Someone can fix my mouth!
I get there, fill out the health questionnaires, and one of the questions was "Are you scared of being at the dentist's office?" or something to that effect. Well this little pebble of a tooth is very sensitive, even if I just touch my tongue to it. In addition, my teeth are very sensitive to cold and hot, so why wouldn't they be sensitive to everything else? Even with cleaning visits my hands are so tight on the armrests that my knuckles are white. So I said yes.
They were SO receptive to that! After we made the decision to pull out the baby tooth, they gave me topical numbing mouth gel, a continuous mask of nitrous oxide (awesome!) and headphones playing music from the 70's. Very trippy with the nitrous, it kept me entertained in my head. Very cool choice. The worst part was the numbing, that hurt bad. Usually, like before a filling they only shoot up your gum on the outside. No, this time I got a shot there AND in my hard palate. Even being squirrely from the nitrous that STILL hurt.
There were, however, thought I had while wearing the nitrous nose piece that made me LOL to myself in the chair. I was the only one in the room. They put big aviator style goggles on me and then the nitrous, which came in a pointy, gray nose piece. When they started to numb me I thought that I probably looked like an aviator mouse who had a stroke and it was all over. I was laughing to myself. What a dork.
I will finish this later when I have more time, I have to get ready for work now!

Haunting Memory

2009-02-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

I can't go into too much detail about it because it is about a new patient I have. He's a nice gentleman, and I was in his home a few weeks ago giving him an intravenous infusion as part of my new job as a home infusion nurse. This person has health issues that impair his range of motion.
Just as I was about to give him his medication he said he noticed that his dog was acting strangely. Shortly thereafter his dog started having a grand mal seizure. Drooling, convulsions that sent him in different directions in the room, it was horrible to see. My old dog Cody was epileptic too, so at least I have seen this before or else I wouldn't be able to handle it. Thing is though, seeing a Lab seize is a little more scary than seeing a Beagle seize. Labs are way bigger and can do more damage. I knew he wasn't capable of hurting anyone, but it was just a little frightening regardless.
So here this man is, on his hands and knees, petting this dog, holding his head, comforting him, and he is disabled himself. There's a disabled man on the floor helping his disabled dog. My God it haunts me. He is a very nice guy, the dog is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. The man was the sweetest, most comforting thing to his dog. It broke my heart because they have each other, they are the only two people (dogs are people too) who live in this house, and they both have health ailments. The man and his dog love each other to pieces, and yet they have to see the other one suffer. It makes me want to cry and wail and stomp my feet. Why does crap like this have to happen? Why does this situation even exist? It's not fair! Talk about kicking you when you're down.
When the whole thing was over, he got back in his chair, kept petting his dog, and began his infusion. In my eyes he was a hero to Rocky. He was there for his dog and what was going on with himself was secondary. The rest of the day we watched a movie while the patient and dog had some snacks and relaxed. I made sure to give Rocky lots of kisses and hugs while I was there.
All I know is despite whatever that man could have possibly done in his life prior to that moment in God's eyes is probably all forgotten now. If God is the wo/man I think/believe s/he is, an action like that is so loving and selfless that he probably just got himself a one way ticket to Heaven.
Ugh. Thinking about it kills me.

75 Things I Want to do Before I Die.

2009-01-29T14:32:00.000-08:00

This was an assignment I had to do in high school. Write 75 things I wanted to do before I die and hand it in for my English teacher, Mr. Koch. (Pronounced Mr. Cook, call him Mr. Cock and he got mad. haha)
I have often thought of re-writing it, so here it goes.

1. Be a Mom.
2. Lose weight and be sexy!
3. Have all my credit card debt paid off.
4. Get a Master's Degree in Nursing Management, or Health Administration, or sell out and get my Nurse Anesthetist Degree for the $.
5. Learn to speak Spanish so I can be a more effective Nurse.
6. Go to Italy and look up the Stanziones that I am distantly related to.
7. Watch 4th of July fireworks from a hot air balloon (but far enough away to there they won't fall in and burn me alive or pop the balloon.)
8. Go to NYC.
9. Run into a particular ex boyfriend while Aaron is with me so he can see how good my life is and let it sink in that his probably blows and that dumping me was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Muahahaha...
10. Go to Disney World.
11. Buy a big farm house in the country and get privacy fencing around a large plot of land so I can have my own Dog Rescue. But instead of adopting the dogs out to families I just keep them all. I couldn't ever give one of my babies away. If I had enough money I would hire people to pick up the dog poop and help play with them so I knew they would be well cared for.
12. Win the lottery so I could pay for aforementioned Dog Rescue.
13. Go on a (safe) nature ride/safari in Africa so I can see the animals in their own natural habitat.
14. Take a vacation in a beach house in New England.
15. Spend a St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
16. Spend a Halloween in Salem MA and see Boston too.
17. Go to another Emeril's restaurant.
18. Buy/rent a van or trailer and travel all over the US and see all the States.
19. Go on a cruise.
20. Be a Nurse Manager.
21. Own a brand new vehicle.
22. Go to Bethlehem.
23. Spend a Christmas at a cool resort at Disney World/Universal Studios with my family and our kids so they could spend Christmas in Cinderella's castle, or something equally exciting.
24. Go to Stratford-Upon-Avon.
25. Renew our wedding vows on the shore at Bamburgh Castle
26. Have a meeting with a real psychic/medium like Rebecca Rosen.
27. Get another tattoo. Not sure what or where, but I know I want more.
28. Take a cooking class.
29. Go Christmas Shopping in New York City.
30. Spend a New Year's Eve in Times Square.
31. Write a book.
32. Go to Christmas Eve Mass in the Durham Cathedral again.
33. Have a large collection of angel figurines. I already have a couple.
34. Spend a Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
35. Take an Alaskan Cruise. This is separate from #19, by this I meant a Jamacian-or-something-to-that-effect Cruise.
36. See the set of Coronation Street. They used to do tours of it!
37. Learn to speak Italian just because I love the way it sounds.
38. Have an unlimited shopping spree in Rogers and Hollands and Tiffany.
39. Take a globe, close my eyes, spin it, put my finger on a spot, then go there. Except for like, Iraq. F that.
40. OK so I can't think of anything else right now. I will put more on here when I think of more!

So annoying

2009-01-28T03:54:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I took a pregnancy test when I got home from work. It was negative. So OK fine, I go about my day.
Well I had forgotten to throw the negative test away. So when I went to the bathroom to shower last night before bed I pick it up to throw it away... then I look at it, it's POSITIVE. Hours later this tests looks different.
The other tests I took this week (I buy them at the dollar store, so I will take them as often as I feel like and not feel bad, haha) bled and caused weird lines on them after I read them as negative too. But this one looked different. Kim, it looked JUST like the one you had in November that you showed me. A very faint line, but a line nonetheless.
So this morning I took another one to see if it was true and that I really am pregnant. Nope. No go. Big fat negative.
I know that is says readings after 10 + minutes are not accurate, but damn. I have taken a LOT of pregnancy tests and none of them had ever looked like that. Last night I was so excited I felt like a kid at Christmas. I was too excited to go to sleep. Now I have to go to work tired and NOT pregnant.
Boo.

Doctor Appointment with Reproductive Endocrinology

2009-01-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

Ah...
Finally, someone who took it all seriously. Finally, a doctor who made more than just a passing, fleeting comment about my fertility (or lack thereof). I talked to two doctors and one nurse today whose primary goal is to see that I become a mom. I didn't feel like a bother to them. It was nice. But what they told me wasn't so much.
First, they want to rule out PCOS and metabolic disorder. Hmmm. Didn't a doctor already tell me I was out of the woods for PCOS. Yes, a doctor who does not have the tools or the knowledge to do so. She tested my hormones and sure, they were all within normal limits. But since I hadn't had a period in 3 months, there is no way to tell what part of my "cycle" I was in, which basically rendered those levels (as well as the time I took out of work AND 2 pokes) useless. Thanks. I appreciate it. While I am at it, thanks for the false hope I had for the last month that everything was really OK. The only good thing she did for me was make me have a medicine induced period and refer me to someone who knows what they are doing.
So in a nutshell, here is the plan:
If I don't either have a positive pregnancy test or a period on my own by beginning of Feb. then I have to take more meds to induce another period, then on day 2 of my period I have to have a fasting glucose test done, as well as all the female hormones AGAIN. (Yes, all the tests I have already done... all over again.) In addition to this they are running genetic tests for cystic fibrosis since Aaron and I are both European descent. That is just a blood test, but THANKS for making me think of something that 1. most Caucasian people don't even think about when trying to conceive and 2. giving me a WHOLE NEW THING to worry about. Then, AS IF that wasn't enough, on March 5th I am having a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography. AND... they want to do a semen analysis on Aaron. So there ya go, a whole reproductive workup. Oh yeah, and I have to consult with a dietician, which can really only be a good thing. I hope my insurance can cover all this...
So I spent a part of my morning crying and being scared. Pap smears just about send me flying off the table because for whatever reason they hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. I had a nurse practitioner ask me after a Pap a couple years ago if I was a victim of sexual abuse because of how much pain it was for me, because usually "only women who have been traumatized have that kind of reaction." No, the only one traumatizing me is the bitch with the speculum and the mascara wand who is shoving it in the os of my cervix! A Pap is only scraping the cervix, and with this test they are going to go straight through my cervix. OH MY GOOD GOD I AM SCARED. AND, they give nothing for pain control. No, wait, I am sorry. They wrote me an order for f*cking Motrin, so my fallopian tubes do not vasospasm, therefore messing up their images. It has nothing to do with my comfort. They say it should just feel like a pinch. Well, they just say "a little pressure" when they do my Pap and that makes me just about jump off the table. It feels like electric shocks going up my body. I bet they're right though... just a pinch. I wish you could see my face as I type this. Yeah right just a pinch.
I am so disheartened by all this crap. Why can't I just have sex and get pregnant like you're supposed to?! Why does everything have to be such a pain in the ass for me? I know, I am probably blowing it out of proportion right now, but whatever. My blog, my feelings.
I hope to God more now than ever before that I am pregnant before this all happens to me so I don't have to go through it. I know that damned test would be a walk in the park compared to what childbirth is. But just as much as I am afraid of the pain, I am angered and disappointed in what it all signifies. My body potentially failing me. I just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself up with the biggest fluffiest blanket I can find and hide from the world.
And if one person leaves a comment on here saying "Well, there's always adoption!" I am going to scream. Yes, I know, and it would be an amazing thing to adopt, but this isn't the issue right now. If I have to yes I will. And I will love an adopted child very much. But I want to give my husband and I our own biological child. I want to make a baby with him and see ourselves in him/her and know that little person exists because two people loved each other so much. I want to feel a baby kicking from the inside, not the outside for once.
Ugh. The whole world feels gray to me today. I am going to bed.

Crazy Pants

2009-01-17T04:55:00.001-08:00

So... turns out there is this weird guy on blogspot.com who thinks its necessary to tell you you're going to hell if you don't share EXACTLY the same very narrow minded and unaccepting views as he has. I saw him messing with my friends, so I made a comment to him on one of their blogs.
I woke up this morning to find 24 new comments on my latest blog that I posted days before I ever commented about him. At first I was going to erase them but then as I was reading them they became quite comical. So I am going to save them for your gawking pleasure if you want to see it. Just go to my last blog and read the comments.
I will say this about him, I think it's great that he has such a love for God. I wish more people did. But, I also love God and I don't go around harassing people who don't, or who do but just have different beliefs than I do. I think about 95% of Christians agree with me here when I say that he is NOT helping out God or Christianity because he is promoting hate and intolerance.
I know if I had a problem like drug addiction or anything else bad, I could go to the woman who married Aaron and I and she would accept me and try to help me in any way she could. She really IS a follower of God and would try to help. If I emailed Crazy Pants and asked him for help he would send me links to websites that tell me to be afraid that I am going to hell for eternity. How is that helping? Would Jesus do that? NO. He would probably hug me and tell them that no matter what, he loves me.
I know nothing I say or blog will change this person's point of view, and that is fine. That was not my intent. But I HAD to blog about it for the sheer WTF factor of it all.

A little nugget of wisdom/info/whatever I have for him and anyone else like him is this: Love the sinner, hate the sin.
If you truly think that someone is doing something wrong, chastising them for it will not improve their behavior.
***I am SOOOO not saying this because I want this person's acceptance! I'm just sayin is all.***

He said in a couple things that he is a saved Christian. All jokes and irritation aside, I am glad for him. But if he is trying to get others closer to God by doing what he is doing, he is actually causing much more harm than good.

PS- If I keep getting harassed by him on here I am going to copy and paste this blog as well as every comment I have ever gotten from him and send it to the blogspot.com/google administrators and try to get him booted off of here. This is not a threat, it's a promise. Pick your battles, buddy.

Aaron's first gig and then some little extra crap.

2009-01-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

So, Aaron's first gig on his own with My Trivia Live was Monday. Jessica and I went to support him, as well as the managers for My Trivia Live. He was (understandably) nervous. It was at the Quarter Bistro in Ann Arbor. If you have never been there, it's a higher scale restaurant, that I doubt would have signed up for My Trivia Live if they really knew what it was about. Don't get me wrong, MTL is fun, but that's just it. This "bistro" is so stuffy, and their rich, snooty clientele basically turned their noses up to it. It really pissed me off.
One of the girls there that Aaron went up and talked to, offering her to play looked at him and said "You're not from Ann Arbor, are you?" BITCH! No he's not... he unlike you was not a trust fund baby and had to work for everything he had! Asshole.
Ooh that pissed me off.
And then there was a woman there, a few chairs down the bar from the first bitch, that was scuffing and squawking because he didn't know how to pronounce the names of the 19th century novel characters. They weren't normal names, like Ann of Green Gables. They were all funky, the easiest one being Mowgli (sp?) from the Jungle Book. She said " He can't even prounounce them!" I was so pissed at that point that Jessica was trying to relax me and we went out for multiple cigarettes. I stared her down with a "I'm-going-to-jump-over-this-bar-and-punch-your-teeth-down-your-throat" look until she looked back at me. And instead of getting shy or nervous and looking away, like I usually do when I am trying to intimidate someone (haha) I kept staring her right in the face. I think she got the point. That was the last I heard from her apart from her telling the whole bar that it was her friend's 50-something-th birthday. Bitch, get yourself another glass of chardonnay and shut the hell up before I go Westland on your ass.
But on the bright side, Jessica and I won 2nd place, which was a $20 gift certificate to Quarter Bistro. AND I won the little game where you get a shirt or whatever. He asked for the first person to give him a receipt from a department store, and it was me. Having a messy purse paid off for once! :)

On another note... a little bit more on my TTC journey. :)
This week I started taking my basal body temps. I am a cold bitch! The highest temp I have had was 97.1, and the lowest was 96.3. Every morning when I first wake up I get stressed about it because I want to make sure I do it right. Since I am just waking up, nothing makes sense, I am confused, whatever, but I have managed to get a temp every morning and scribble it down in a little notebook that is sitting on my bedside table. A mornings ago I woke up with a tight grip on my thermometer. Apparently in the middle of the night I thought it was time to take my temp... I am not sure how long I had had the thermometer in my hand. I think an hour or two. It was kinda funny to me. This morning I kept having little mini dreams that I was taking my temp and forgot to write it down. So by the time I actually did take my temp, it felt like it was the third this morning that I did it. It's probably not interesting to you guys, but to me it is slightly amusing.

Tonight I am going to the Red Wings Game with Aaron, Kim, Mark and Jesse. I am so excited! I hope it doesn't go too late though, I want to get a good night's sleep. When did I turn into an old lady? Yeah, and I hope they have prune juice smoothies there too... can't let that arena food get me irregular. haha.

OK, I have to get back to work now. Have a good day!

1-1-09

2009-01-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Last night was fun. A lot of us got together at Stevie's house and talked, hung out, played poker, and basically just made asses of ourselves. 1 1/2 bottles of champagne and about 6-7 jello shots later, oh yeah and a beer, and I am proud to say I did NOT wake up with a hangover! WOOHOO! I think I found the cure. Eat some chili and a sloppy Joe before bed and all should be well. Yes, I know I am lucky. This NYE was kinda, um... interesting for me. I looked at it as hopefully (!!!) the last time I celebrate the New Year without a child. I really REALLY hope to be a Mommy or at least a Mommy-to-be by this time next year.

2009 will hopefully be a great year. I feel bad saying it because 2008 sucked for SO MANY people, but it for the most part was good to me.
We got Harvey in January. Our one year wedding anniversary was in April and we went to Chicago to celebrate, which was awesome. My Mom and Aunt Sheila came over in May to visit for a week and a half and we went to Chicago again and it was SO much fun! Sadie had her first birthday, Aaron and I went to Universal Studios for a week in Orlando and had a great vacation together, I went to Virginia for a family wedding and saw my family whom I haven't seen since 1996 when my Grandpa died AND I got to see my friend Nicki that I haven't seen since 2004, I got to meet Cassie and Carl, who I have heard about for years and finally got to know them and they are really fun, Kim met Mark and fell in love and now they're blessing us with a new niece/nephew, I made new friends in Jessica and Damien and we have a lot of fun together, I got a new job that is awesome, we had a good Christmas and to top it all off, New Year's Eve went without a hitch. (Holy run-on sentence!!! My English teacher from middle school would have KILLED me for that. lol)
I know I am looking at the year with a glass half full attitude, because there are a lot of bad/sad things that happened too. We lost a friend way too soon, Dawn House on January 3rd. Aaron's Uncle Al died in January too. My great Aunt Julia passed away in May. So did his Grandma, Monica Houff. They will all be sorely missed. Also a lot of our friends lost their jobs, and a few went bankrupt. A couple of them even lost their homes due to the crap economy. It makes me feel bad to be happy for myself when so many people that we care about have passed or are suffering.
But I have hope for 2009... we will have a new President that will *hopefully* not fuck things up more than they are already. Aaron and I resolved to eat healthier, start working out again and quit smoking again. I have smoked a little recently, (unfortunately) because Aaron has been and I caved in and wanted a few. But I KNOW I HAVE to quit because we are really trying to get pregnant.

Oh yeah... speaking of which (caution: girly body period talk)... my Dr. put me on meds to make me have a period so I can get pregnant... and it came yesterday. And OH MY LORD did it. My body hasn't had a period since September and now it is PISSED. Oh the pain! This morning I was laying in bed with my arm around Aaron's side and got up because I realized I started digging my nails into his stomach a little bit because it hurt so bad. Poor guy, he shouldn't get clawed because I am in pain. It feels like my body is trying to get revenge on me for taking the pills. Like, OK, you want a period? Here ya go bitch! And yes, I know, one should not personify one's uterus. But I am sorry, it felt like the pain was coming from the depths of Hell. I was laying in bed thinking to myself hmmm... this pain is amazingly awful. What number would I score it? Meningitis was a 10 out of 10. That is the worst pain I have ever had so I compare all runners up to that. That is the only thing I have ever used a 10 for. Even when I ripped my effing toenail in half of the wheel of Kim's bed when she was in labor with Sadie that wasn't a 10. It was like a 6 or 7. I think I have a rather good pain threshold. The cramps this morning were a 6, more or less. They were as bad as running to a hospital bed with a puke bucket wearing flip flops and hitting your toe so hard that it ripped the nail in half and made the skin tear open and bleed. Good God. I am glad I have something to compare it to for those of you out there reading this who have never been "blessed" with a uterus.

OK, I am going to quit rambling on here and clean my house before my cousin gets here later today.

Hope you all have a great start for 2009!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to write a quick little blog to you all to wish you all the best. I hope you all get what you want in your stockings, that you have a delicious meal while being surrounded by your loved ones and your spirit is touched by the whole reason this day even exists... Jesus. OK, I am done with my sappiness for now.
And on New Years Eve, I hope you get several jello shots, beers and bottles of champage and laugh until you pee your pants a little. :D

I am so excited for Aaron to open all his stuff, he got everything he wanted this year. Not that this is all about presents, I know there is a bigger reason for it all... but seeing him happy makes me happy. God I am a sappy shit! LOL

OK I am about to get the hell outta work so I can watch a Christmas Story and decorate decorations with my familia.

Update on the girly parts

2008-12-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

Hello All,
Looks like I probably do NOT have PCOS... this is probably all caused by rapid weight gain... thank you night shifts! I am now working on losing it so I can get cute and pregnant. :) Thanks to all for your kind words and thoughts. I appreciate them.
Now I would like to say how I hate snow. I hate driving in it. We are supposed to get up to 10 inches tomorrow. 10 INCHES. WTF? I hate snow.
I would rather it rain. Ugh.

I have SO much to do before Christmas. I can think of at least 6 different gift I need to get people, and not one damn thing is wrapped. Not ONE DAMN THING. I suck at this.
PS- If you didn't see our Christmas cards, they are great. I will have to ask someone to put a copy on the net for me.
PPS- If someone will record Coronation Street for me I would be forever in your debt. Seriously! I MISS IT. That would be a great Xmas gift for me. And Cheap.
OK gotta go do some chemo.

Update and probably some bitching too...

2008-12-11T02:47:00.000-08:00

Hello,
I have been pretty busy getting adjusted to the new job so I haven't been online much. But I love my job! It is great to have essentially the same schedule as most of the people in my life. I sleep at night, am awake during the day with the rest of the world, and I do a LOT of walking at work, actually more than when I worked on 6. Well, not always but often I walk back and forth from Main, to Mott, to Med Inn, Cancer Center and back. But it is good exercise. :) My co-workers are very nice and have been very welcoming to me. We all get along well. I really couldn't ask for much more.
Well, I have had some not so nice discoveries, too. Be warned, if you're weird about hearing/reading about period stuff, read no further.
I haven't had a period since September 3. After multiple negative pregnancy tests I went to the doctor and had some blood work done. My thyroid is OK, as is my glucose, but apparently my follicle stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone are off, which from what I am told is indicative of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Needless to say I am sad, scared, and pissed the hell off.
So, this is the thanks I get for doing it all right. I go to high school, graduate, go straight to college, get a good education and dependable, respectable career, graduate, get married, buy a house, set up a 401K, have 2 decent cars in the driveway for us, and *BAM*. You're fucking infertile. Well, maybe not. So OK, *BAM*, best case scenario you'll need to be on meds to stimulate ovulation to get pregnant, or you'll have to learn how to shit money so you can pay for in vitro fertilization. BULLSHIT. Or I will have to pay ass loads of money so I can adopt someone else's kid. While I am over here worrying about the THOUSANDS of dollars I may have to come up with in order to be a Mommy, let me take this opportunity to say that it is free to get knocked up in an alley in Detroit while smoking crack. Those kinds of people can get pregnant, but I may not be able to. Cue in Alanis Morrissette's "Isn't it Ironic". It PISSES ME OFF that people who have no business getting pregnant seem to make a hobby of it while I would be a good Mom and I may not even be able to.
On the bright side, this explains the unexplainable weight gain. I hope it get be corrected, along with my bum ovaries.
I feel defective. I am made a woman so I can reproduce. Is there a consollation prize for not being able to use these ovaries for their obvious intent? Will someone make them into bronzed matching paper weights for me? It is all just very unfair and painful.
Granted, I may be *slightly* over reacting because I haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor. That comes Tuesday. But I am a nurse, and I see the evidence right in front of my face. If I don't get diagnosed with it then I will be COMPLETELY surprised, and elated.
Updates will be up when I find them out and can stomach typing them.

Leaving 6

2008-11-07T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well, Wednesday night-Thursday morning was my last shift I had at 6 Mott. It was a nice, relaxing shift. I had a good assignment, sweet patients and caring parents. One of my patients was having some complications with a kidney transplant he was actively rejecting and because of this (well, at least I think because of this...) he was in a lot of pain. I was trying to comfort him the best I could and his mom said "You're Good." I assumed she was talking to her brave little 7 year old boy. I agreed with her and said "Yes he is,". She said, "No, you... you're a good nurse. Thank You." It was a bittersweet moment. I was happy and proud to have helped this little boy and in turn pleased his worried mother. But at the same time I was sad... when is the next time I will have a patient like him? When will I get to truly be a patient advocate again?
Another patient I had was a spinal fusion, but only 2. Usually kids with that surgery are 10+. I went in his room to give him pain medicine and he was crying because his dad went to the bathroom and he was alone. So I sat next to his bed and rubbed his forehead and hair and he fell asleep almost immediately. When is the next time I will be able to comfort a scared baby like that? I mean, the things I am talking about aren't big deals in nursing, they happen often. Well yes they are big deals, it is important to do them, but it can be a regular occurrence. But the fact that I am walking into a new job full of everything unknown on Monday, and probably not get the chance to do those things anymore, scares and kind of upsets me. Will I have the chance to participate in/embrace those aspects of nursing? Those things to me are the essence of nursing, nursing at it's most basic and necessary, the human aspect.
Even though I rarely talk about it, I consider myself to be extremely lucky because for the last 3 1/2 years my job gives me the opportunity to truly help people. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to comfort a child in pain. It is so fulfilling to have an infant patient who has no parents with them(it happens often) and have a night time feeding. Holding that little baby and rocking him/her back to sleep is so comforting. In those moments, everything is OK for us both. They are safe, I am relaxed, we're both happy. Now the reason I like that so much might be because I want a baby so damn bad. Not sure. I get paid to do what feels right and what interests and amazes me at the same time. How lucky is that?! I truly LOVED my job. If I could have had the same schedule as Aaron and stay there, maybe I would have never left. But I had to do what was right for my marriage and the continued growth of my career.
Well one thing did happen to remind me that sometimes not being on 6 can be a good thing. There was a patient there with epidermolysis bullosa and she had the worst case I have ever seen, even in books. This poor kid was basically there to die. I watched her for a minute while her nurse went to the bathroom and I just about shit my pants. They said she looked bad, but I guess just words didn't prepare me for what I saw. My Good God. She looked dead. But not normal dead, like if you or I died at this moment. No, like scary movie, special effects dead. Her disease process had overtaken her body so badly that there was no normal skin on her. The only way I could tell she was still alive was my watching her chest rise and fall as she breathed. It hurt to look at this poor kid.
Kids like this, paralyzed kids with trachs and vents, and child abuse cases are the 3 main things that really piss me off. Why does this have to happen? Why does God allow this? I understand people have to die, but why in the hell does anyone have to suffer like that? Ugh. But at least not working there anymore means I will not see stuff like that, well at least not as often.
In the morning when I was leaving I was holding back tears the best I could. It was so hard to leave everyone I have worked with for the last 3 1/2 years. Some of those people have been there from the beginning for me and helped me learn and grow as a nurse. They are more than just my co-workers, they are my friends too. I will miss them so much! I felt very loved too, we had a potluck for my last shift AND we went out last night to celebrate. It was a very fun night out. A lot of drinks and laughs were had by all. Maybe they like me as much as I like them. :)
OK I think I am done having my pity party. Leaving my first nursing job ever was a momentous occasion for me, I suppose. But now it is over and done and I have to dry my eyes, put my big girl panties on and get on with it.

PS- my manager said that if I change my mind I always am welcome back on 6. That is incredibly good to know. Like training wheels for my new job! :)

Bitter!

2008-11-02T01:50:00.001-07:00

Aaron and I had a good day yesterday. It was the 5 year anniversary of the day we met. We spent the day being lazy as slugs, watching TV and taking naps periodically throughout the day and getting some cheap pizza for dinner. It was nice to lay around with my hubby and be lazy together. :)
In the morning we had an AT&T cable guy come to our house and install cable. We have it now for 30 days free to try it. It is better than WOW or Comcast! We love it! Well, I love it apart from one thing. It doesn't have CBC. There is no longer a way for me to watch my all time favorite show, Coronation Street. I am PISSED! And the last episode I saw that was on Friday, Vera friggin died! She popped her clogs right there in her chair in the loving room, and Jack came back from the Rovers after a quick pint and found her dead. Poor guy. And they were just about to go to Blackpool. Ugh. I choked back the tears.
I have been watching Corrie since the summer of 2006 on a regular basis. I watched it a lot when I was a kid because of my mom. I didn't like it a lot then, but I love it now and could honestly cry. I would give up Grey's Anatomy AND Nip/Tuck for my Corrie!!!
I am now scrambling to find a place to watch it so I don't miss anything. I tried www.cbc.ca, but they only let people in Canada watch their TV shows online. No matter that I live 30 friggin' minutes from the border to Windsor! That just proves to me that Canadians are bastards that have no love for me... even though I came from the same place they did. Jerks. Sorry if you're Canadian. I am bitter right now. I am sure that any Canadian readers of this blog are indeed not bastards.
Any English websites I have been to for some reason make my ISP crash every time I try to watch an episode online. I am going to have to see if anyone can fix this. What the hell people?! Who do I have to f*ck around here to get to see my favorite show???
So, if there are any loving, sweet people out there reading this who love me, who get CBC and have a DVR, would you please record Coronation Street for me? It comes on Monday-Friday at either 7:00 or 7:30PM and lasts a half hour. I will in turn make you cookies, rub your back or do whatever you want... within reason.
So apart from searching the internet in vain looking for a place to watch Corrie and calling AT&T threatening to drop their services if I can't have my favorite show, today has been a good day...

Feeling a tad sorry for myself.

2008-10-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

Instead of sleeping happy in my bed I have been awake for hours. I WAS EXHAUSTED all day yesterday. So I woke up about 3AM and have been up ever since, watching the Discovery Health Channel, which happens to be my favorite.
I have my myspace's playlist playing in the background, and to be honest it is kinda depressing me. I LOVE the songs I have chosen for it, but some of them have a lot of meaning to them, or they remind me of things I can't have. OK, so Lean like a Cholo has no true deep meaning, but I love it. LOL. The songs remind me of my youth, or England, or my English family, my friends that I can no longer see on a regular basis because we're all wives and moms and homeowners and full time workers, or my American Family that only miles and steep gas prices keeps me from.
I know, I am still pretty young, but when I refer to my youth I refer to the part of it that I know I can never have back. No responsibilities, no true worries, no career yet... I don't really want to go back there, but the carefree fun we had was just... amazing.
I miss England so much. I haven't been there in 3 1/2 years. It is so beautiful, the weather is perfect (for me anyway), it's just different than here. You'd have to go there to see it. And no, I am not talking London. London is nice, but not the same. I would love to go there and have a ball, but that's not what I miss. All big cities have a lot of similarities, at least in my experiences. The real stuff to see is north of London. Durham, Newcastle, the Lake District, the hilly, green countryside dotted with lambs and farms. I keep looking online at ticket prices and nearly crying every time, about $3000 per person. At that rate I will never get there before my grandmother passes away, and that breaks my heart. I really want Aaron to meet her. Unless I learn how to shit money I just don't see it happening. I have twin cousins that I have never met. At any given point I am without half of my entire family. If I am here, I have not one member of my mother's side of my family. If I am in England I have not one member of my dad's side of my family. It sucks. So no matter what I do, I will ALWAYS be missing out on my family's lives.
Having said all that though, I have a lot of be thankful for. I am healthy and am married to and in love with a good man who loves me very much, we both have jobs and are capable of paying our bills, we don't go without any necessities, we have friends and family we love very much, not to mention I have the most beautiful dogs on the face of the Earth. And hopefully very soon I will have a bun in the oven. I guess it is true that no one is ever truly happy. Well hopefully this is just me being premenstrual and moody. I am 18 days late, after all. 8 HPT later, I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. Ugh.

Flu Shots are Evil.

2008-10-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

I got my flu shot at work on Friday night. It barely hurt to get it, and I was convinced in my head that all the people that I have heard complaining about how their arm was sore for days were big wimps. I pride myself on having a decent/good pain tolerance. (Once I had a dentist look at me weird/concerned during a procedure and ask me if I was OK, and I said yes, that I felt pressure but it did not hurt. Then she said "Wow, you must have a high pain threshold." But I digress.) Well I don't know if I do anymore.
I am wondering now if I am having a reaction to the vaccine. Before I got it the paperwork said that if I have a severe egg allergy do not take it. Well I have never considered myself "allergic" to eggs, but (sharing a LOT here...) they make me poop. Like stomach cramps, pain, sweating, etc. Not a pretty thing to go through. I can eat things with egg as an ingredient but eating eggs for breakfast will cause that to happen. So maybe that should have been a red flag to the nurse... uh I dunno. Nurses are worried about everyone else but themselves. We typically have a "I'll be fine" attitude.
Anyhow, I shrugged off the egg thing as I signed the paperwork and rolled up my sleeve for the big ass needle. For the rest of the shift I felt OK. I did get really tired on the way home and fell asleep in my car in my DRIVEWAY for a few minutes, but I have done that before and therefore can't entirely blame that on the shot. However, I have not been awake for longer than a 2-3 hr. stretch since then. Also, my arm is swollen at the injection site. It is red and looks like either an angry pimple or bug bite. I occasionally feel dizzy. It is not hard to breathe, but I often find myself taking larger than normal breaths, like how one does right after you first wake up in the morning after a full night's sleep. (At least I find for the first few minutes after I wake up that I still breathe deeply like most sleeping people do.) My body aches, I think I am getting a fever despite having taken 2 excedrin an hour ago (can't find my damn thermometer... ugh) because I feel hot and sweaty even though the most taxing thing I have done is eat toast and type this. In addition to all this, my whole left arm (where I had the damn evil poison) feels weaker. Sometimes I get shooting pains in those fingers. No, I have never had tongue/mouth/throat swelling or wheezing, so I know it is not an anaphylactic reaction.
WTF? Am I dying? Are all these things normal? Am I just a huge wimp? Lemme know what your experiences have been with this.

I want my mom. :(

Can the election be F*CKING over now, please?

2008-10-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am sick of the commercials with the scary voices saying shit like, "Can America take another 4 years?" or whatever. Don't the candidates know we MAKE FUN of those commercials and they sway virtually (I assume, if not completely) NO ONE? Or are they so far removed from the people they are supposed to represent that they can't grasp normal American living?
I don't want to watch a debate. I don't want to listen to people who, in reality, probably don't give two shits about us, preach from their podiums about how they are the answer to all our problems. It is going to take MORE THAN ONE MAN to fix Americans' problems! It is also going to take more than 4 years to fix them.

*Let me say now that before you read any further, I am the first one to admit I don't know much about politics. Me writing this does not mean I want to get in a pissing match with anyone! I am not arguing that I know more or better than anyone else, just voicing my own frustrations. Please feel free to respond, but I don't want to argue...*

After reading more about candidates from other parties, I think they suck too, one in particular whose views actually contradict the Bill of Rights! Seriously? Sure, if you're 35+ and a natural born citizen of the US you can run for Presidency... but just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Another guy I don't quite get is Baldwin. It just seems like he is a little out of touch with reality when it comes to 100% of American businesses owned by Americans. Does anyone else see the problem here? Sure, it's a great idea, but come on now. I live in a very diverse part of the country, where there are a lot of people from other backgrounds, who are undoubtedly business owners. So we are going to take away their businesses from them? How many Americans are in the position to be able to make all their bills, let alone buy a business? I have a problem with someone saying this country is ONLY for Americans. Because if that is the case, we should ALL leave unless we're NATIVE American. How many of us can say "Yeah, I am American, with an English/Irish/Scottish/Dutch/Italian/Indian/Asian/African/Arabic/you get the point background". I know I wouldn't be here if that were the case. I can only assume his Doctrine is his best case scenario/ideal picture of what would happen in a perfect world. Today we are SO far from it that he would seem out of touch with reality if he thought he, or anyone else, can honestly accomplish that in four years.
While the Green Party has some good points http://www.gp.org/tenkey.shtml, I disagree with their nonviolence value. Well, to be honest I actually DO agree with it, but I think it is ridiculous to try to accomplish in the world we live in today. When there are savages in other countries who want to kill us, we need to be able to stave off their attempts and put them in their place.

OK I think I am done now. I need to go back to sleep so I can work tonight. Blah.

Life Change for the Better!

2008-10-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

Hello!
It is with GREAT JOY that I write this blog. I got a NEW JOB!!!!!
Starting Nov. 10 I will be part of the Training Team for HomeMed at the University of Michigan. YAY! Here is a copy of the posting to give you a better idea of what I will be doing:

Market Title: Registered Nurse
FLSA: Non-Exempt
Hours/Week: 40 hrs/wk
Shift/Hours/Days: Days, Monday - Friday
NOTE: Day shift between the hours of 9:00 to 5:30 with occasional Saturday rotation.

To provide nursing care, assessment, evaluation, training and monitoring to an assigned patient population (inclusive of pediatric and adult) requiring home infusion and durable medical equipment prior to hospital discharge and in the outpatient clinic setting. To provide nursing advice and consultation to nursing and other health team staff along the continuum of care. Triage problems as they arise with home patients. To train and serve as a preceptor of nursing and others assigned to Home Care Services. To participate in health team activities.
Job Requirements: (I erased the obvious ones, like 'must be a nurse, etc. etc.')
Direct care with all types of vascular access devices (i.e.: PICCs, midlines, implanted, tunneled), wound care and oxygen patients.
In-depth recent experience in patient education (i.e.: self care, disease state management).
Note: Role will require cross training to both the Hospital staff role (in-hospital setting) and the Home Infusion visit staff role (patient home). Occasional on-call.

So basically half the time I will be in the hospital teaching people how to use their central IVs, like how to infuse meds, etc. The other half of the time I will be in people's homes infusing medicines like IVIG and Chemotherapy.
I will be either on call or will be working at the Clinic every 6th or 7th weekend. I am not sure which one yet, it depends on which team they put me on. We rarely work any holidays AND get reimbursed for every mile driven in our own vehicles! If we drive over 1200 miles a month, we get a company car. Not permanently, I think it is just for driving for work. But still!!! How awesome is that? They really treat their employees well as far as I can tell.

Here is my Pro/Con List:
PROS:
-It is a change! I have been working on the same floor for 3 years and 5 months, it would be nice to learn something different.
-This is a step in the right direction for my career. I would one day like to be a manager, and home care is where it's at right now. (Baby Boomers getting older, sicker, etc., home care is probably one of the highest growing nursing fields.) This experience in home care will only help me.
-There is really no room for growth where I work now. I have asked numerous times to be a preceptor or to have extra work to do to help the floor and I never get it. There are 80+ nurses on our floor, and all those positions are already filled. I would have to wait until everyone else doing those jobs leaves before I would get a chance to do it. And even then, it is not definite that I would ever even get it! See how this is going?
-I would be working the same shift as my husband, for the first time EVER since we have known each other! That will be awesome, I will be able to see Aaron EVERY DAY!
-A more normal schedule will make it possible for me to have a life; go to the gym more, see my friends more, and have every weekend off for my kids when I one day (hopefully) have them.
-I will make more money. Right now I work 36 hrs a week, and with this position I will be back up to 40 a week. It doesn't sound like much, but it equals out to more than the bonuses I got working nights. And in this economy especially, every little bit helps.
-I met my co-workers already and they are really nice. Everyone was very welcoming and hopeful that I would get the job. (I met them all before I accepted the position.)

CONS:
-I will miss the 6Mott Girls (and the couple boys, too). I have been there for a long time and have developed some really good friendships. They are what has kept me there so long, I would have left already if I worked with a bunch of B-words.
-I will be driving more. But half the time I will get reimbursed for the gas I use, so hey I can't complain too much!
-I have to get to the U really early to get a parking spot unless I want to spend $700 a year on parking. I have to be there by about 7:15AM to get a parking spot in the orange lot and take the bus to the hospital. That does suck but at least then it means I will have time to take a nap in my car/put my make-up on/read/visit 6Mott before I go to work. So it is not all bad! :)

I am very happy and a little sad. But I already made an agreement with my boss that I can always come back if I decide I don't like it. That makes me SO comfortable to know that I have a plan B if I need it. :D

This means there is definitely some celebratory partying in order! I will make the appropriate plans as soon as I know if it is a BFP or BFN this month!

Convince me!

2008-10-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

There is less than one month until Election Day.... and I STILL don't know who to vote for.
If they would let me do my debate it would be perfect. But since I doubt it is going to happen... if any of you are die hard Obama/McCain supporters, respond to this blog and tell me why you're voting the way you are. Maybe it will sway me one way or another. And no responses like "I am voting for Obama because McCain is old," or "I am voting for McCain because Obama is a douchebag,", I want REAL reasons.
OK cool.
Thanks.

Response from Victoria's Secret

2008-10-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Andrea,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding animal testing. We appreciate your concern.

Victoria's Secret does not test its products on animals, nor does it request any of our third party manufacturers, or anyone else, to perform such tests on its behalf. We utilize ingredients in our formulations that are known to be safe and we do not ask the supplier of those ingredients to perform any such tests on animals. Most importantly, we rely on human testing to ensure the safety of our products.

Also, Victoria's Secret does not use any animal byproducts in its formulations where the animal is either slaughtered or harmed in any way. However, we do condone the use of animal derived products where the animal is not harmed such as lanolin, milk and eggs.

If you need further assistance, please reply to this e-mail or call anytime.

Victoria's Secret is committed to providing an exceptional experience for our customers. Andrea, we look forward to the opportunity of serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

Erica B.
VictoriasSecret.com Customer Service

Visit www.VictoriasSecret.com
Phone 1.800.475.1935 or (outside the U.S.) 1.937.438.4197
Fax 1.937.438.4290

Response from Johnson & Johnson

2008-10-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

Andrea Lamorand
UNITED STATES

Dear Andrea:

Thank you for contacting Johnson & Johnson. It is always important to hear from our customers and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

The ingredients in our companies' nonprescription skin and hair care products have been proven safe historically, so instead of using laboratory animals to assess the safety of these formulations, the companies perform a number of predictive tests in humans. Any new ingredients, however, would require appropriate safety validation that might include laboratory animals.

Otherwise, as health care products manufacturers, Johnson & Johnson companies have a responsibility to assure the safety of its products for intended use and in the event of accidental misuse. The primary means of providing this assurance continues to be the judicious and ethical use of laboratory animals and in vitro (test tube) tests.

Johnson & Johnson companies use numerous in vitro or "alternative" methods in testing new compounds and new product formulations. In fact, the companies presently use more than 160 different alternative tests in research, and we are spending more than $92 million each year in using and developing non-animal tests. Ultimately, however, testing with a minimum number of animals is necessary to fully assure safety.

The companies use as few animals as possible, mostly mice and rats, and when safety is established, new product formulations are no longer tested. We use tests other than the classical LD-50 -- such as the "limit dose method," which requires one-fourth or fewer laboratory animals. During eye safety tests, our formulations are so mild and gentle that there is no need to restrain animals, and for skin irritation studies we rely heavily on human volunteers or non-traditional tests that require fewer animals.

While there presently is not a single validated alternative test that can fully replace whole animal testing, Johnson & Johnson companies are committed to seeking alternatives through internal efforts as well as by supporting studies at outside research facilities. As alternative forms are validated, please be assured that Johnson & Johnson companies will take the lead in implementing them in its testing programs.

To learn more about our policies, we invite you to see more information on our website:
http://www.jnj.com/community/policies/animal_testing/animal_testing.htm

Again, thank you for your interest in Johnson & Johnson.

013029261A

Response from Proctor and Gamble

2008-10-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Here is a copy of the email I got from them:

Discussion Thread
---------------------------------------------------------------
Response (RightNow Administrator) - 10/02/2008 01:14 PM
Thanks for contacting us about our policy on research involving animals.

P&G has ended animal testing on all our finished consumer products except when required by law. We use non-animal alternatives first. We only use research involving animals when there are no other reasonable options.

In our Healthcare business, we're focused on developing innovative medicines that improve people's lives. Current regulatory standards require animal research while developing these medications. It's our policy to use the minimum number of animals necessary while working toward our goal of the reduction and replacement of animals. We continue to identify screening techniques that are acceptable to global regulatory groups to take the place of animal tests in the earliest phase of drug discovery.

Through our pet care and nutrition products, we help dogs and cats live longer, healthier lives. We feed our foods first to dogs and cats to help us develop nutrition that delivers true health benefits to millions of pets worldwide. We make sure the dogs and cats we work with receive the best care. We treat them as if they're our own pets. They are adopted into loving homes or placed in our retirement facility when their help is no longer needed. At the same time, we're working hard on alternatives to find even better ways of getting these results and eliminating the need for additional research with other animals.

We'd rather use alternative test methods. Not only is the use of animals avoided, but reliable alternative tests generally cost less and take less time than animal research. We'd like to be able to eliminate animal research on ingredients in consumer products altogether, and we're making progress. We've invested over $190 million in alternatives, making us an industry leader. We've helped develop over 50 alternative methods and have shared our work in over 300 scientific publications. We're also working with the FDA and respected animal welfare groups, such as the Humane Society of the United States, to work on reforming regulations and validating alternative methods. To learn more about what we're doing to reach our goal, please visit our website:

http://www.pg.com/science/animal_alt.jhtml

For additional information about alternatives, visit the following websites:

http://www.biorap.org (Biological Research for Animals & People)
http://altweb.jhsph.edu/ (Alternatives to Animal Testing site)
http://www.hsus.org/ (Humane Society of the United States site)
http://www.ampef.org/ (Americans for Medical Progress Educational Foundation)

We hope this information is helpful.

P&G Team

Vegetarianism.... is it for me?

2008-10-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

I frequent the PETA website. However, I recently found out I literally CAN'T join due to my husband being in the military and his inability to associate with groups like that because they say he is not allowed. So, I guess I will stick to signing petitions and emailing the bad guys asking them not pass laws that promotes cruelty, etc. It kinda stinks, I would like to be a part of an organization that helps the lives of animals. But at least this way I don't have to feel bad about not donating money. I can't. :/
So I have been eating meat. It's worse than quitting smoking. Literally every bite I take makes me feel bad, but sometimes I need it. Need. But when I don't get that need for it I abstain. Like last night, I made tacos for dinner. I made ground beef for Aaron and had no desire whatsoever to eat any of it. And I made refried beans for me, which were fabulous. Those, some Spanish rice, tomato, onion, low far sour cream, taco sauce all on top of tortilla chips and I was a happy girl. I didn't miss the meat at all. But every so often I have to have it, and I listen to my body. I figure eating less meat is better than eat meat daily, right?
I still try to buy only cruelty free products. I have shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotions, perfumes, laundry detergent and fabric softener, dish washer soap pellet thingees, hand soap, and dish soap all picked out that is cruelty free. SOme of it is a little more expensive, but I would hope to God that if I was a bunny, or a dog or something else furry and cute that the people who rule the world would find it in their hearts to pay a little more to secure my safety. I only buy free range eggs too. Hey even if I do have the occasional burger I am still making an effort.

In case you're curious, here are the brands of stuff I use now that you can find at every day stores like Wal-mart and Target that are cruelty free.

-Tresemme Shampoo and Conditioner
-Bath and Body Works (OK this is a mall store, whatever.)
-Lush- everything there is cruelty free... mall store again. So sue me.
-Method (they have laundry stuff, hand soap, furniture polish etc.)
-Simplicity (fabric softener, dishwasher soap pellet thingees and laundry soap.)
-Wal-Mart Brand now has a cruelty free laundry soap, Mandarin Orange scented. It is CHEAP!!!!
-Victoria's Secret products claim to not test "finished product" on animals... I am not sure what this means and I am going to try to find out.

I just emailed Tresemme, Johnson and Johnson, Victoria's Secret and Proctor and Gamble asking them if they conduct animal testing for their products. I plan on blogging their responses for you.
Just in case it is needed, the reference # for the P&G email I sent is: '081002-001876'

And no, they were not rude, accusatory emails. They were simple and to the point. An example is this, written to Victoria's Secret.

Hello,
I have recently read on different bottles of body spray I purchased from you that it says "Finished Product not Tested on Animals". What exactly does that mean? Does it mean that individual ingredients are tested on animals?
If so, does it cause them pain? What does your company actually do to these animals? Please respond to this email with specific answers so I can be an informed consumer making sound decisions.
Thank You.
Sincerely,
Andrea Lamorand

OK, I think I am done with this animal stuff for now. I don't know what to call it. Helping, crusading (haha), whatever it is I have to put it on hold so I can take a nap before work tonight.

I will keep you all posted on what I find out!

I want to moderate a Presidential Debate....

2008-10-01T08:21:00.001-07:00

This is why.
I have heard of different debates/Q&A sessions that have taken place with McCain and Obama. I heard one was a religious group which would totally have McCain's back, and then tomorrow I heard there is one by a person called Gwen Ifill, who is writing a book called "The Breaktrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama". It is due to come out on January 20, 2009. Now we can all tell who this next debate will be favoring.
I think that is BS!!! Debates should favor neither party. It should favor trying to answer American's question of who is best to run our country for the next 4 years.

Here is my solution:
Get someone who has no real affiliation with either party. A NORMAL, AVERAGE AMERICAN. Since it is my damn idea, me. I want to do it. I for the life of me can't decide who to vote for. And, I am sick of hearing people say "Well, DUH... the choice is obvious..." because NO it isn't. I am a self-proclaimed moderate. I see both points of view of both parties but am not committed to either one.
I think it is safe to say we are all TERRIFIED to have another Bush-like president. That makes me not want to vote for McCain. But having said that, I do not like Obama's view on nuclear warfare, well maybe I do now, but at one point, before the likely flip-flop... (probably when he was being honest...) I didn't agree.

So, here's the plan:
A simple stage, 2 podiums, the moderator (ME) and every American TV station who cares to be there. But, as much as I hate to say it, MTV and VH1 must be there. If we want people to vote, we have to think of the demographics and lifestyles of many voters. We want everyone to vote, but isn't it just a little bit scary to think of the average 20 year old (clueless) American voting? I want everyone to vote, because it is our right to vote. However, almost more importantly, I want people to be informed voters. This election is important!!! May the best man win because a knowledgeable country elected them!
There is more to my plan. I want no questions submitted by any special interest groups, or by either party. In fact, I want no questions submitted period. Any question I am going to ask them is going to come from my own head. Not even questions from the audience, who could be a radical right or left wing nut, thus possibly foiling my attempt at having a NON-BIASED debate.

Questions will begin with: please identify your religious beliefs/affiliations. I say that ONLY because a lot of people think Obama is a Muslim, which he is not. No this is not to sway people away from one candidate or toward another, but only to educate the American people. Some people I KNOW will not vote for a Muslim person at this time due to the way the world is. I want to give both parties a fair chance.
After that, I want to say to each person "Mr. McCain/Obama, what is your stance on:"
Abortion
Taxes
Drilling for oil on American Soil
the American Economy (and what do you plan to do about it)
the Foreclosure Crisis (and what do you plan to do about it)
Gas Prices (and what do you plan to do about it)
Education
Health Insurance
Poverty
The war in Iraq
Terrorism
Stem Cell Research
the Banking Crisis/$700B
Social Security
College Funding for Students
AIDS Epidemic
World Hunger (and what do you plan to do about it)

OK so since I am an average American I am willing to take suggestions on questions. But that's it. I am bound to be forgetting some issue that is undoubtedly important.

Here are the rules of the debate:
1. Each candidate will have 2 minutes to answer each question.
2. If the candidate starts talking in circles trying to avoid the question, he will get The Gong. and be asked to please cut the bullshit out of his repertoire.
3. Instead of commercial breaks there will be guest appearances by musicians, comedians, celebrities, all doing it for FREE. Out of the goodness of their heart for t he American people. No payments from either party. This will keep the attention span of the American People. Instead of saying "change that horse shit Bobby!!!!" they'll be saying, "OK, well I will watch it until I see Katy Perry, then I will change the channel." At least this way there is a shot at educating the population. And sure, there will be the assholes who just TiVo it and skip the debate part. Chances are those people won't be voting anyway.
4. There will be no funding from anyone except from McCain and Obama. They must split the costs for the studio and for the employees doing the audio-visual everything. All the guests will be there on their own free will, no need to pay them. Since I am an average American and therefore have no money falling out of my ass, they'll have to fly me out to where ever it is and my hotel. I don't need any extra payment though. Talk about taking one for the team.

So there is my solution to the debate BS.

DISCLAIMER: I do not know much about this stuff. Really I don't know much about much. My "novel" idea of how my debate will be (funding at least) may actually be how all of them are. I indeed know I may look like a total ignorant asshole. I am cool with that. Feel free to leave me comments telling me that if you like. But just a heads up, I'm not going to feel dumb about it. So don't try to talk down to me and have that "I'm smarter than you" attitude about it. It won't get you anywhere except maybe in my next blog entitled "Why (INSERT YOUR NAME HERE) is an Asshole."

Driving Home Thoughts about Queen and stuff.

2008-09-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from work this morning and was just in a really good mood. Even the crazy traffic jam on 94 didn't piss me off, which is very rare for me. (Usually I am the type that becomes 10 feet tall, bulletproof and bitchy as soon as I get behind the wheel.)
The sun was shining, I was wide awake, the weather was prefect and cool, and I was listening to my Queen's Greatest Hits CD, which I LOVE. It is a good day. Queen is one of those bands that inspires me and makes me think. I wish I was alive when Queen was a new and up and coming band, I would have loved to have seen them in concert and seen Freddy Mercury alive. When I listen to his music and voice it makes me think of the theatrical style most of his music had. It was so full of energy. I feel it was, and still is today, one of a kind. I can imagine the songs of that CD being in a play similar to Grease. Something with a lot of dancing, bright colors, singing, something glamorous and theatrical...
When I listen to Queen I think of Freddy Mercury a lot. I feel bad for him in a way. He was gay, but obviously didn't feel like he could be open about it. Maybe I am wrong, maybe he just didn't want to divulge his private life details. Either way, I am sure in that time he probably battled with coming out or the lifestyle, like people even have to now.
In his song Play the Game there is this one part of it that almost sounds like advice to his listeners:
"This is your life
Don't play hard to get
It's a free world
All you have to do is fall in love
Play the game - yeah
Everybody play the game of love."
And I wonder if it was really to the listeners, trying to empower them to live for themselves and get what they want, or to himself.
On a slightly different subject... I recently started reading the book 'And the Band Played on' about the discovery of AIDS and the politics behind it, etc. It is an awesome book. It is tragic though. Reading it is kind of like watching the Titanic. You just want to scream to all the men in the bath houses "USE A CONDOM!!!!" because you know how it is going to end. But reading that book makes me think of Freddy's (and so many other men that were first infected with the HIV virus in the late 70's and early 80's.) lifestyle that he must have lead; decadent, carefree, (in ways... I realize homosexuality came with and still does come with huge prices to be paid, unfortunately...) flamboyant, fun, risky, and in the end what caused the world to lose a great singer well before his time.

While on the way home I heard the song "You're my Best Friend". It is one of my favorite Queen songs. I had originally wanted it to be the song we danced to for our wedding party at the reception, but I am glad we chose another song. When I hear this song I always think of Aaron. It's a really good way to describe the relationship we have developed over the years together (5 years as of November 1 since we met. WOW). I actually got a little teary eyed listening to it because it totally sums up everything I feel. I know, I know. Gag. But really, I am so thankful to have him and our marriage that sometimes I do get a little nauseating. Despite the fact that sometimes he drives me nuts (and I drive him nuts too...) I have NO idea what I would do without him. In case any of you reading this do not know the words of the song, here they are. :)

You're My Best Friend
Written by John Deacon

Ooh, you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooh, you make me live now honey
Ooh, you make me live

Oh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
(Ooh) Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

Ooh, I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you (still come back to you) [OK, this is NOT one of my side notes.]
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl (OK, so he is not a girl, but you know what I mean...)
I'm happy at home (happy at home) [ditto]
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you, to help me forgive - oo oo ooh (well actually he doesn't help me forgive, but he does make me laugh and lift my spirits, all while planning the ultimate demise of whoever pissed me off!)
Ooh, you make me live now honey
Ooh, you make me live

Oh, you're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the thing
I really love the things that you do
Oh, you're my best friend

Oh, ooh, you make me live

I'm happy (happy at home) [again]
You're my best friend
Oh, oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
You, you're my best friend

OK, so I think I am done with my little outpouring. I need to go to bed since I have to work tonight.
So maybe I am just tired and thinking WAY too much about stuff, but I took the long way home from the MVN office and was in a traffic jam, it was either think or sleep. ha!

Stupid People Shouldn't be Allowed to Talk.

2008-09-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

I went to dinner to Chili's with a couple friends tonight. It's the weekend, we're all happy to be out and have fun together, everything was going very well.
Until the waitress came. (Don don don...) She said, practically verbatim: "Hi, my name is Jamie and I will be taking care of you today. The menus are over there, and (clincher here, while looking at me) she said: FOR EVERYONE BUT YOU WE HAVE DRINK SPECIALS... I stopped what I was doing, looked at her and said "EXCUSE ME?" And she stopped dead in her tracks, started stumbling over her words, looking very uncomfortable. BITCH!
So let me paint a little picture for you. I am wearing a black tank top with black matching cardigan over it, with black capri/gaucho pants. I am in a booth, and since I am short my chest is basically sitting on the table. Now unless I seriously underestimated myself, I don't thinkthat I am pouring out of the booth, nor do I have that special pregnancy induced "glow". To try to cover her tracks a second later she says, "Did I use to work with you? You look familiar. Oh, I thought you were someone else, I am so embarrassed." Bitch no you didn't. You are trying to cover up the fact that you are an IDIOT and thought I was pregnant by trying to "confuse" me with another person who obviously was pregnant. Good try. I was born at night, not last night.
I will be the first person to admit it, I am overweight. However, my gut is a fat girl gut, it does not in any way resemble a protruding uterus. Unless you actually can get a muffin top from a growing fetus, I am confused about this mistake. And while this girl wasn't what I would call fat, she had a pooch herself, which I graciously ignored throughout the evening. I should have told her I was about as far along as she was. With a food baby.
We almost left. I am appalled, and so were my friends. We spent the rest of our time there cracking jokes about all the things we could have, and probably should have, said to her. I almost felt bad for her toward the end, actually questioning if she had a closed head injury. She was either a victim of a head injury or seriously the MOST IGNORANT WOMAN ON EARTH. It was painful to listen to her talk. I am sure having an audience of three people looking at you in disgust doesn't make you exactly comfortable, so I supposed it could have been the fact that she was mortified and just hoping the ground would open up and swallow her whole.
In the end we left, but not before leaving an adequate tip. Usually I tip 20% or depending on the service received. She obviously got what she deserved in our eyes.
I am not going to let her ruin my night though. I will sit my fat ass on the couch, watch TV and enjoy the company of good friends. Oh yeah, and go to the gym in the morning.

My Dream

2008-09-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

I had the craziest/best dream today. (No, I don't say today because I sleep all day because I am a lazy bum, I work nights.) I dreamt I was in labor with Aaron's and my first child.
In the room was myself (obviously), Aaron (again), Kim, Autumn and Cassie. Sorry I drug you into it, Cassie! haha. Weird that no parents were there. Well I suppose they could have been, I remember more than anything a lot of chaos, people running around the room, a doctor putting on his gear very quickly, bright lights, me moaning loudly. I remember saying that I wanted an epidural, but Cassie told me that I couldn't because I was crowning. The awesome part was I remember that in my dream I was a sweaty, painful mess but I didn't feel any pain. Too bad it won't be like that when I am really in labor!
I pushed briefly, then had the baby. It was a little girl. I can see her cute little face in my head. I saw her perfectly in my dream. She had dark brown wavy hair that clung to her head and a cute little button nose. She was quiet and sweet and loved when I cuddled and fed her. She took immediately to breast feeding and that made her the happiest. In my dream I was SOOOO happy she was there, and walked with her and talked to her and stroked her soft hair.
Later in the dream I asked Aaron questions about labor because I didn't really remember anything. He said labor lasted about a minute (YEAH RIGHT. LOL) that it was so quick I barely made it to the hospital. I pushed one time and she was there.
The only other parts of my dream were weird. Autumn had the baby for a minute, and two other people were with her in a Jeep and they were all smoking. I was IRATE. I yelled "Why are you smoking in front of my newborn baby?" Autumn said that it was OK because she wasn't by it. They had my baby laying face down on the back seat of the Jeep with the top down. The sun was beating on her bare skin, all she had on was a diaper and a nightgown. Then one of the other girls that was in the Jeep smoking (someone I actually went to Nursing School with, that does not smoke in real life) was calling me a bitch for yelling at them for smoking around the baby. I was pissed. That part was stupid.
The dream was what I expect to be very realistic, apart from the labor going so quickly. I was walking around with her and once realized she was cold because her little feet were mottled and I felt horrible, like the worst Mom on Earth and that this poor child was stuck with me for a mother. I assume all first time Moms are like this. That's what the first time Moms at the hospital are like. =)
When I woke up I was happy because it was such a nice dream, and at the same time sad because it was just a dream. I loved that baby so much! It was like I was absolutely infatuated with her. I could have stared at her all day long and not gotten sick of it. Now I want that to be a reality. =(
Here's hoping it happens soon!!

Check it out if ya wanna

2008-09-11T07:10:00.001-07:00

OK so I am not going to email people like the site tells me to and ask for people to sponsor me/this cause. But I will put it up on blogs. I think that is fair enough.

http://my.yesonprop2.com/page/outreach/view/20-20/Lamorand

If I have the money to spare I am going to do it!

Baconator

2008-09-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I had one.
I am a shitty vegetarian. I actually almost cried last night when I made the decision to have one. I wasn't even hungry. But I NEEDED MEAT. I am not even kidding. It was a craving like I have never ever had before. I am blaming it on the period I am just getting over, the hangover from my party Saturday night and the nazi bastard trainer that kicked my ass at the gym Saturday afternoon. Yesterday I seriously couldn't walk up or down stairs. I had to scoot on my butt and crawl.
And today for dinner I had fish and chips. Yep, fish. I don't care. I HAD to have it. My body needed to eat meat. I think I am over it now. I think I can go a few weeks now without slipping up again. So I guess I am going to one of those vegetarians that slips up now and again. It sucks, I wish I could do it full force, but damnit I don't like tofu, and soy weirds me out. I will vow to only buy free range/cage free eggs, and never eat at KFC, and adopt all future pets, not purchase from pet stores, and buy from companies that don't test on animals whenever possible, and eat meat as little as possible. I will try as much as possible to be an animal friendly person as much as I can. But come on now, that cow, pig and fish that nourished my protein and iron deficient body last night and today were already dead. It's not my fault... right? Listen to the guilty vegetarian wannabe try to justify herself. :(
But I have to say, that burger and fish were SO good. I totally feel like shit, but man, it's worth it. There is something inside me that is satiated now. Agh.
You know how on vampire movies there is always one that is torn with his blood sucking ways, that tries to not feed off the blood of unsuspecting people, only to give in to it later because he has to? I can soooo relate to that. Ugh, I suck.

Curves and why they are Bitches.

2008-09-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have a Curves membership that I never use. Why? Because I am lazy and an asshole. I have no reason NOT to go, I just don't like it, music sucks, etc, but should have gone anyway because I need to lose weight and because I am paying good money for the membership.
However, they opened a LA fitness 3 miles away from my house and I REALLY want to join that. They have a pool, sauna, hot tub, elipticals, treadmills, lots of classes, etc, and it is the same amount as Curves. So I wanna do it! I literally have to pass the road it is on to go home in the mornings from work. Finally! Something I might actually stick with!
I have been putting off getting an account there because I (thought) I was paying on Curves until next month, when my membership can be cancelled after the year contract. However, today I find an old message on the phone from Curves saying to please call as soon as I can. So I call them, assuming they are going to say "Where the hell have you been?" No, they tell me there was something wrong with my card and they haven't been charging me since March. I think, Sweet, I am about to get off light. No, they say that even though I haven't been going, and they haven't contacted me to say there was a problem with my card, they say I owe $150 plus a $50 cancellation fee if I want to quit early.
So, naturally I got pissed. I have no problem paying it, but if it doesn't go through the first month, your dumb ass better call me back and tell me there is a problem. Don't call me 6 months later and tell me I owe you a shit load of money.
So, this lady told me more than once that I should take responsibility for my finances. Bitch! That is the wrong thing to say to me. We might not be rolling in the cash, but damnit our shit is paid! We might not be able to have lots of extras, but we aren't delinquent in anything either. I made sure to tell her that we may not have tons of money, but my mortgage, 2 car payments, 2 credit cards and student loans are all paid off and in good standing. She was like, that is none of my business, you're telling me too much information. Well guess what wench, if you're going to accuse me of something I didn't do and question my character over the phone, you're going to hear me defend myself over the phone. I was SO offended.
She even said to me, in quite a bitchy manner "Didn't you notice that it wasn't coming out of your account every month?" To which I replied No, I assumed you did what you were supposed to do and take the money I owed you. That's why I did direct deduction, so I didn't have to think about it. If it didn't work, why didn't you tell me 6 months ago?!??!?!
The woman I was talking to and I had a heated arguement for about 12 minutes, according to the timer on my phone. At one point I was basically just screaming at her. She tried to end the phone call, but I don't even know if I gave her the chance. Then after it all I was said to her, "Sorry for yelling at you, but I am really mad this really caught me all off guard." She responded with (finally, almost verbatim.) "You don't have anything to be sorry for, I am being completely out of line. I am really sorry. I don't feel good and I am having a really bad day and I am taking it out on you." Finally. Something that came out of her mouth that made sense!
At one point we were both acting like assholes. I was like, "You don't have to worry about me coming back there or joining again, because I won't!" All she said was "Fine!" and things of that nature. To be honest, thinking back I didn't hear a lot. When I get that angry I kinda lose control, tunnel vision etc. Wow. The Army should recruit me for combat. Just put me on the phone with that woman first and I will be set! LOL
Let me say this, I have no problem paying my bills. But if you decide to not charge me for 6 months, and then ask for it all back at once and basically call me irresponsible when YOU'RE the company, NOT me, that pisses me off. BAD. Sure, I should have noticed I suppose, but as long as everything balances out the way it should then I don't. But more than I should have done something, they should have been a responsible, and financially sound company and contacted me the first month they couldn't collect funds from me. I asked her why didn't she try to email me, or call me, or send me a letter? All she said was, "we don't use email addresses." Way to beat around the bush and NOT assume responsibility, bitch. I also remember telling her that if she didn't have documentation of all the months they tried to call me and get no response that she could basically hang it up. And also that I would get statements from Verizon proving they did NOT call me.
The phone call ended with both of us apologizing, and her taking care of everything and just deleting my account. That's a good idea, since most people would have told her to kiss their asses and not pay anyway. So, I owe nothing, and am now trying to put it all behind me. Oh yeah, and I am trying to find a constructive way to get rid of this adreneline-induced rage out of my system. Maybe I will go to LA Fitness after this blog, join up and kick someone's ass? Hmmm... it's an idea.
Part of me wonders if she just said fine it's all taken care of so I don't drive up there and kick her ass. LMAO.

Opinions are welcome here! I am curious what you guys would have done in this situation? And, correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't their lack of collecting a payment or contacting me basically count as a breach of the contract and negating it?

Randomness

2008-08-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in the stable vent unit at work. It is almost 3AM and I am SO tired I can barely stand it. But, I am getting holiday pay. So I will deal with it. I can do anything for 5 more hours, right??
It is funny, I thought I was paranoid about being pregnant BEFORE I started trying. Even worse now. I have pretty horrific PMS. Well actually, PMDD. Every month I get EVIL (unless I am on my meds, which are designed to help with the PMDD, which I kinda forgot to keep taking and now the half life of the med is gone so this month I am screwed), sore, hard, swollen boobs, bloating and nauseated. Well, pretty much all of those can be symptoms of pregnancy. Now that I actually WANT to get pregnant even though physically and mentally I am miserable there is a small part of me that is excited. I have taken 2 tests, both of which have been negative, but I don't think I am even due to start my period yet, so those aren't yet necessarily definitive. If I do this to myself every month this is going to be a very emotional rollercoaster type of thing for me. But how can a woman trying to conceive not feel like that? Ugh.
A friend of mine recently told me that a woman really isn't a woman until she has had a child. I SO do not agree with that. I almost felt it was a small dig in a weird way. She is not at all the type to be like that, but she has a kid, and I don't. What would you think? I think I am a real woman regardless if I use my uterus for it's intended purpose. So I might not have a kid (yet) but I do have a career, husband, loving family and friends, 2 fabulous dogs and a house. So bam. Don't know what made me think about that enough to write about it, but there ya go.
My poor step sister Sarah and her boyfriend's apartment got broken into in Alma, MI a couple days ago. They were both home, IN BED. Thank GOD the people weren't the killing type. Just the stealing all your shit type. I hope they get caught.
And my last random thought of the day. I am a lazy bastard. I can't seem to get myself off my couch on my days off and be productive. I would rather lay around then clean my house. I mean, I still do, but I have to battle myself to do it. Why? I so want to keep my house and car nice, but the effort I must put forth to do it seems soooo taxing. Is everyone else like this or am I as lazy as I thought?
OK, if I don't stop myself I am just going to babble on here all night for something to do. Hope everyone has a better Labor Day then I am having!

The bad part of being a nurse.

2008-08-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

There's a little girl, about 3 or 4 years old, who has been coming to my floor of the hospital since she was probably around one or so. She has a chronic condition is basically fatal in infancy or early childhood. She is a very sweet, smart, funny girl who loved to dance and take walks through the halls. She has two parents that love her to peices, they are very proud and doting parents.
One of the nurse's aides ran into the Dad this morning on her way to work and told her that their little girl is in the ICU and probably will not make it through the day. That was surprising news to all of us, we didn't even think she was sick, she wasn't in to see us at all.
Well, I made the decision to go see her after work this morning before I went home. I decided I was going to because another patient who was always with us died on the 8th, and I didn't see him before he died and I regret it. It was my last day of work before a mini-vacation and I was in a hurry to get out of there, so I thought I would just see him when I came back to work a week later. He was in the PICU for a kidney and liver transplant, so I was hoping/expecting to see him when he pulled through and was on our floor again. After all, he always pulls through. Even though he was on ECMO, I assumed "oh, he will come out of it". Well unfortunately the next time I had a chance to "visit" him was at his viewing on the 15th.
Anyway, I visited the little girl on my way home and it was HORRIBLE. I forgot how bad it is to see kids in the PICU like that. I worked in a PICU at Children's in Detroit so I know what it's like, but since I don't work on that intensive of a floor anymore I guess I just don't think about it that much. I was only there for a couple minutes, long enough to give them my number (in case they need anything since they live close) and to stand there and awkwardly look for the right thing to say, while in my head paying my respects. I am not a cryer at work, but it took absolutely everything I had to not cry until I was out of the room. As soon as I was down the hall and out of sight I pretty much cried like a little bitch. It's not cool to see that. As I am sure you can imagine.
On my way to my car I couldn't get out quick enough. You know the scene of Grey's Anatomy when Christina gets stood up at her wedding, or the scene in the SATC movie when Carrie gets stood up at her wedding, and they want their dresses off immediately like it's burning their skin? Well that's kinda like how I felt when I was trying to get out of the hospital. The elevator couldn't come quickly enough. I hated feeling like the crying people I see often in the halls at work. I would rather be the nurse, when it's sad but doesn't penetrate into more than the poker face "work me". I hated that the parents of other sick children saw me crying. I am not sure why. I just re-read those last three sentences and wonder what a psychologist would say if I told him/her that... Hmmm... Food for thought...
I also felt mad at God. I do NOT like to feel like that. Even though I don't really go to Church I feel like God has a strong presence in my life, even if I don't talk about it. It's a me-Him thing I suppose. But come on? What God lets that little girl suffer? What God would allow those parents to go through the misery of watching their child be sick and then die? All I could think of was that it was complete bullshit and I was angry. I can't even begin to comprehend the anger and pain her parents must feel. They have to watch her die and then have her funeral, and then go home after it's all done and see their house, with her bedroom and everything she owned. Shoes at the front door, probably toys in the living room... ugh. I am pretty sure that if I had a child die I wouldn't be able to handle it and I would end up being an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. I have panic attacks over my dogs' health problems, if my child died... no. I would be done. So would Aaron.
I have since calmed down and am not angry at God anymore. There must be a reason, even if we don't understand it. All I know is I hope it's a good reason.
I hate blogging about stuff like this because when people read it they probably feel obligated to comment on it. I feel so much better to get this stuff off my chest though. I am not sure why writing it helps, but I am glad it does. Maybe I can get her out of my mind for more than 5 minutes when I am awake now. Here's hoping.
Something kind of interesting... I looked up her condition and there are 60 known cases of it. I have taken care of 2 children with it. Wow.
Next post will be something happy!

Just in case you didn't already know...

2008-08-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

Aaron and I are trying to have a baby.
I have actually been off birth control since February... and lemme tell ya.. if I would have known it would have taken this long I would NOT have worried all those years before I got married. HA!
Between Feb. and now we have just been not preventing, so now we've decided to make a more official "go" of it and try. So I will really try to pay attention to when I'm ovulating, you know, all that stuff. I am hoping to be like Kim and the first time I look at a penis at the right time of my cycle I conceive. However I am not expecting it!
There is a girl at my work who is also trying to get pregnant who has the same LMP day as me... interesting to see what will happen there. Will we get pregnant at the same time? Will one of us conceieve way before the other one and leave the other one in the dust? No, it is not a competition, but you know what I mean. She already has a couple kids, at least we know she is fertile. I am hoping I am but no real proof yet!
We have been waiting for the perfect time to start trying, but then a day or two before my birthday we were in the car going to trivia and I had a realization... I told Aaron, "I am almost 28! I am done with waiting... I am ready to start trying now. I am close to 30!"
So yes, the timing may not be perfect. But people tell me that if you wait for the right time, or until you get that new car, or new whatever then you'll NEVER be ready. You just kinda gotta go for it. So we are going for it. I assume it will take a while to get there anyway, so we have the months we are trying to conceive to tie up any loose ends we have.
But the things we already have going for us... we have a 3 bedroom house. In that respect we are ready. We have a place for the kid to sleep. We both have jobs, cars, health insurance, etc. so the baby would have all needs taken care of. The rest will I am sure fall into place. We will both make sure anything else that is not taken care of will be resolved before I go into labor. :)
With that being said, I have to go to get ready for work. Blah. I am sick of working.

It's my own damn fault...

2008-08-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

My 2 dogs, Bear and Harvey, are fabulous. I love them dearly. But sometimes they drive me nuts. And it really probably is my fault...

For example:
When I come home from work, I have to go in the basement and let Harvey out of the kennel and get them both in the upstairs with me... even if that means nearly pissing myself because I have to go so bad. Because if not... they will scream in disapproval that I am home and they are not up my ass. So, rather than hear them be sad, I suffer (albeit briefly), take care of them first and then see to myself. They would be in NO harm to have to wait for me to go to the bathroom first, I just can't handle them being upset.
After I get them from the basement they give me tons and loves, and I give them some back as I walk up the stairs with my legs crossed. Then, while I use the bathroom, they are both in the bathroom with me, I have to pet them. Again, I suppose I don't HAVE to, but they are so excited to see me, and I am happy to see them. It seems like rejection if they can't have the first couple minutes with Mommy, right?
Then, after I use the restroom I either get in the shower, or if I am too tired wash my face and do all the night time stuff to get ready for bed. This morning was a get-in-my-pj's-and-screw-the-shower-till-later morning. But by this point all three of us are my in little bathroom. I either am so tired or so used to the situation (not sure) that I actually go in the HALLWAY to put my pajamas on just so I have a little more room, since the dogs are practically burrow into my ass. I am trying to get my first leg in my pjs when I accidentally knee Bear in the head because he come out into the hallway to be closer to me while I was getting ready. Thank God there wasn't much force to it, although he deserved a nudge I would have hated to hurt him!
I thought getting a second dog would eliminate Bear following me everywhere I go. I thought (blissfully unaware) that the dogs would occupy themselves and leave me alone for a little bit when I was doing boring things, like laundry. Nooo.... this is not the case. Now when I do laundry and go back and forth between my laundry chute and laundry room in the basement I have not one, but TWO dogs following me. Why are they following me? Are they trying to learn how to do laundry? Is there something they can accomplish from this? Does it make sense why I am blogging this?
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They are my Babies. But sometimes I wonder what the difference is between them and real children. Well, apart from copraphagia.
They make me want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes... but they love me unconditionally. You can see it in their eyes when we come home from a long day of work. I always get sad when I pull out of the driveway at night for work and I see them both look out our front window and watch me drive away. We (Aaron and I) love them unconditionally too. :)
OK, enough sappiness about dogs. I am going to bed now. Gotta work again tonight!

Update on Meatless me

2008-08-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

It was been 7 whole days since I last ate meat. My conclusion... it's not really as shitty as I thought it was going to be!
What sucks is shopping, really. I like to buy quick things for lunches. I was pissed at Hot Pockets... they have ONE flavor without meat. 4 cheese pizza. I am sure it is good, but even their lean pockets don't have anything devoted to alternative diets! Geez! I have a feeling that Morningstar Farms and I are going to be best buddies.
Eating out can also suck, depending on where you go. Tonight we are going to go to Al-Ameer for my b-day dinner, they have a vegetarian section. Yay!
Going green (haha) has made meal time a little more fun. I have to put thought into my meals now. And didn't really realize it before but meat on some level has always grossed me out a little bit. Guess I just ignored it before. Guess I had to so I could keep eating it.
Some things I have realized:
1. Vegetarian fried rice from Chinese places= Good.
2. Mushrooms are running f*cking rampant in veggie foods and they must be stopped!
3. If a mushroom is even in my mouth, I gag.
4. Beans are good...
5. Tofu feels like a cooked sponge. EEEEW.
I have known #3 to be true for some time but the theory was retested a few days ago on veg. fried rice. I couldn't even taste it, but I felt something SO gross on my tongue, and then there I went with the wretch. Since I can't make myself eat one due to the gagging, my theory is that I am probably deathly allergic to them and that is my body's only defense mechanism.
OK well I want to blog more but I have to go.

Sluts

2008-08-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I went the party of a good friend whom I have known since 1999. He has this party every year, everyone attends, it is a good time. Like always, Aaron and I went. Nothing unusual there.
Well, there were a couple women there that I had never met before. Someone had to know them, so they were friends of some of my friends somehow. At first I thought nothing of it, it is not unusual for there to be new faces at parties. We're a friendly bunch of people and new people are always welcome.
One of them was definitely on the prowl... hey more power to her. She didn't mess with my husband so I am not concerned. What people do is their thing, I usually don't really bother myself with it. In my younger years I was a little judgemental and I have tried to get over that. I am happy to say I have done very well with it.
However... there was this one woman whose actions were appalling. OK, she may be a nice woman, she may have good qualities... but at this point I don't even care. She conducted herself like a common slut. She was DYING for any... ANY male attention she could get. I saw her leave the party a couple times with a guy and come back a while later, tousled hair and the back of her shirt dirty and crumpled. She had the nerve to look ashamed. Bitch, if you're ashamed of what you're doing... DON'T DO IT. Or at least be a little more inconspicuous!
Not 10 minutes after she came back the SECOND time from leaving the party to get hers, I saw her lift her shirt for two more guys. Now she had double the attention, at once. Are you KIDDING me?! I was sitting in eyeshot of it all and I obviously got up and walked away.
Now if some of you are saying, "if you're not concerned with what other people are doing, why did you know when she left? etc. etc." There are two reasons for this. 1. It was not a huge party. After a few hours of being there and looking at people you can tell when people are missing. 2. After a while it became a source of entertainment for Autumn and I... watching stupid people act stupid is fun. We made a drinking game out of it. When someone acted a fool in front of us we clinked our glasses and took a drink. No exaggeration we went through 2 fifths of Malibu. LOL!!!
Now, if someone I know was acting like this it would be a different too. Is that a double standard? Maybe. But I don't care, my friends are more like family to me... pretty much no matter what they do I am going to accept them and love them as they are. Plus, they would be among friends that they know they could trust. Sure, it would probably not be in their better judgement to do it, but whatever. At least it is not a room full of complete strangers doing all this to/with them.
I don't blame a girl/guy for having sex. If you want to have sex, do it. We're all adults here. It's a natural thing to want to do. But if it comes to a point that you're embarrassed by your own actions, maybe you need to do a little self-reflection and make some life changes. Or maybe take a brush with you to your next romp in the hay in a back yard or car. LOL
People wonder why there is a pornographic industry that dehumanizes/objectifies women... because there are dumbasses out there who will let them! Like this one!
OK, I am done now. I have exercised the demons!

You May be Right... I May be Crazy...

2008-08-14T06:57:00.001-07:00

My love for animals and a preoccupation for their rights has been leading me to do progressively bolder things.
It used to be I would just donate the occasional dollar to the save a homeless dog thing at PetSmart when I would buy food or treats for Bear. Then we adopted Harvey, which truly opened my eyes to the plethora of homeless, sad, scared, hungry, defenseless animals there are out there. Then I started trying to get more involved with Last Day Dog Rescue, the rescue that brought us Harvey. Now it is starting to snowball. As soon as I can afford it (AKA my Birthday money... how pathetic AM I?) I am going to donate to PETA and become a member.
And... here's the clincher.
I am going to try out vegetarianism.
GASP!
I have actually been thinking about it for a while now. I have seen my belief system go in this direction for some time but knew I would have to attempt this when I was ready. It feels like a big commitment to me. I didn't want to cut out my biggest protein source when I could be getting pregnant, or when I wasn't sure I could put my 100% into it. It's a lifestyle change and I wanted to take it seriously.
But with all the stuff I have been reading, researching, learning... it feels right to begin this now.
Yesterday I signed a pledge from PETA to be vegetarian for 30 days. Doing it made me actually commit to something I had always wanted to try anyway.
Actually making the decision was kind of interesting in a way, because of the new things I now have to take into consideration. There are a couple things to figure out. Will I be an ovo-lacto vegetarian... meaning will I eat cheese and eggs? The answer to that is a big fat hell yes. I realize I need some kind of protein, more than friggin' peanut butter. So yes, cheese and I will still be an item. I can reduce the chances of animals suffering for my nourishment by getting free-range eggs and maybe umm... I dunno, organic milk?

According to www.reference.com...
A lacto-ovo vegetarian is a vegetarian who does not eat beef, pork, poultry, fish, shellfish or animal flesh of any kind, but is willing to consume cheese, butter, yogurt and eggs. Lacto- means "milk" and ovo- means "egg".
In the Western world lacto-ovo vegetarians are the most common type of vegetarian. Generally speaking, when one uses the term vegetarian a lacto-ovo vegetarian is assumed. Lacto-ovo vegetarians are often well-catered to in restaurants and shops, especially in Europe and metropolitan cities in North America.

Some lacto-ovo vegetarians who are motivated by ethical reasons may avoid fertilized eggs as well as caviar, feeling that both involve the killing of beings or torture and exploitation of source animals. They avoid cheese that contains rennet and yogurts that contain gelatin as these two things involve killing.

The very thought of caviar makes me want to vomit. I think I can find it in me to give that up too. I didn't even know what rennet was, so I looked it up and took the liberty of copying and pasting the info that I found from the same site here:
Rennet, substance containing rennin, an enzyme having the property of clotting, or curdling, milk. It is used in the making of cheese and junket. Rennet is obtained from the stomachs of young mammals living on milk, especially from the inner lining of the fourth, or true, stomach (abomasum) of milk-fed calves.

Wow. I am glad I already ate before I read this. I felt a quasi-wretch with that one. If I would have KNOWN this had to happen for some cheeses to be made, than maybe I would have given that up years ago. YUCK. In case you're also wondering where you can get rennet free cheese, here is a veggie forum that can give you some pointers. http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=46149
Maybe one day I will be able to be vegan. As of right now this is not an option. To me, the thought of being a vegan is like the equivalent of a Muslim woman deciding to wear the hijab. It is the ultimate proof of your devotion to a set of beliefs. While I think that sure, they are both great ideas in theory, and I admire people who are capable of doing it, I am not ready for anyhing like that yet. My vegetarianism is SOOOO in its infancy.
So, you might think this is a good thing to do, you might think I'm an idiot. But when it all comes down to it, I feel good about the decision I have made. According to www.peta.org I can save over 100 lives a year by not eating meat. That makes me feel so much better to know that. And it is actually quite sad to think that since I have started eating meat regularly, lets say since 1982, when I was two years old... approximately 2600 animals had to die for me to sustain my fat ass. Wow. 2600 lives to nourish ONE.

Here is the video I watched that made me make the final decision to try it out, if you want to see it. It is pretty graphic, be warned.

Watch more videos at PETA.org

I will keep you all posted about how going veg affects me. I wonder how much I am going to miss it? I was never a HUGE carnivore, but I probably still ate meat in some fashion almost daily. Well, so far the last time I ate meat was Tuesday night and so far so good. No meltdown yet! The biggest obstacle I assume will be around my period. I usually crave beef then. God, I sound like a vampire.

OK, well I have written all this after getting home from a 12 hour shift. I am SO ready for bed now. If you actually read this whole thing you are a trooper! :)

Damn am I going to miss bacon.

KFC- to eat or not to eat?

2008-08-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

So for a while now I have heard about www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com and chose to not look. Partly for selfish reasons, I like their food! Also partly because I know if I watch it I will probably never eat chicken, or any other kind of meat, again.
Well, I finally made myself go there, I am just sickened. I want to forward it to everyone in hopes that it affects you all the same way. Not to sound all after school special, but... If enough people care and act on it, then something will change and these animals' lives will improve. I tried to put the videos in this post but the site wouldn't let me.
I don't know how the people that work there can sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to do that job for one second. Hell, while driving home from WV I saw a homeless dog on the side of road, all skinny and friendly and I cried all the way to Ohio!
I hope you will go to the site and see for yourself...

Old Blogs so I can erase my second blogspot account

2008-08-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

I used to have another blogspot.com account but I never use it anymore. Here are the old posts I had on it. I will put them here so I don't lose them... but I do want to erase the old account. I hope I am not doubling up on the old blogs I am posting. Hmmm I will have to double check that. For some reason I just can't erase my old blogs. This is probably why I still have every nursing school paper I have ever written. I guess I just value my thoughts. :) Probably because I have so few of them. LOL

This week
Hello! Since Aaron had to leave for National Guard Annual Training this morning, we made a point of spending some time together before he left. Thursday we had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack in Ann Arbor because they were having a fundraiser for Mott. 10% of what we spent went toward building the new hospital. It was good!!! Then Friday we went to the Simpsons Movie, which was funny! After that we spent a grueling 1+ hrs looking at paint for the new house at Home Depot, and then out to dinner again. Good LORD there are a lot of paint colors out there. And if any of you are creative or anything and have cool ideas, please let us know. Right now we are wishing that we could afford an interior decorator... at least for paint. We want a deep burgundy wall color for our bedroom but can't figure out a way to do it without making the room all red and boxed in feeling... grrr.....Picking out paint for the "baby room" is exciting because even though we aren't even trying to have a baby yet, it is proof to me that we will soon enough! It is exciting! I want nothing more than to be pregnant. We know it isn't quite the right time yet, but I can't wait for the day when all of a sudden it IS the right time!Anyhow, it stinks that Aaron has to be gone for 2 weeks but hopefully I will be so busy packing and preparing to move that time will fly by...PS- if any of you reading this are on this site to blog too, can you please tell me how I am supposed to put pictures up here, and how I can put my friends' blogs on the right hand side of the page like other people do? I don't know how to do that yet, but I would like to! Thanks much! :)
Posted by andrealamorand at 4:55 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Friends and Support
This won't be an incredibly long post, I would just like to say how blessed we are for having the friends we have. I sent out an email about our new house to the Phi Sigma Pi alumni listserv and got literally 10+ different people emailing me back within 24 hours to congratulate us. It is just a good feeling to know that even if you don't see them as much as you would like, there are friends out there who care about you and would be there for you in an instant. Even years later I can still say that joining Phi Sigma Pi was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It DEFINITELY changed my life for the better. =) I love and miss my brothers!!PS- for those of you who don't know already, I met Aaron through Chris Szabo, a Phi Sigma Pi alumni. His Halloween Party in 2003 is where we met. :)
Posted by andrealamorand at 11:01 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Nickelback
Last night we had an opportunity to go to the Daughtry/Staind/Nickelback concert at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit. My dad had bought tickets for my brother to go, but at the last minute his friend stood him up so my brother didn't want to go after that. So... we went. It was a good time, apart from the HALF HOUR BATHROOM LINES. Nickelback puts on a great show, I definitely recommend going to one of their concerts if you have a chance. All the bands were great. I am glad we went! I think they overfilled the place though, because the bathroom lines were ridiculous! I had a girl come up to me and beg me to let her go in front of me in the bathroom line. She offered money and everything, and I told her the only thing she could offer me that would be worthwhile was a pair of dry pants, because I would need them if someone else was in front of me in line. I think there was swearing involved, there was NO way I was letting that girl cut in line. LOL Andrea with a full bladder is NOT very nice. Now I feel bad for the girl but she needed to do the time like I did. Who knows, it might make her devekop a little character? muahahaha....
Posted by andrealamorand at 5:29 AM 0 comments
Labels: music
Monday, July 16, 2007

First Post
Hello!I thought this would be a good way to catch everyone up on what is going on in our lives. 2007 has definitely been the best year of our lives. April 21st Aaron and I got married, it was such a beautiful day! The weather was perfect, we had our friends and family with us celebrating, the day went off (almost) without a hitch! Then our honeymoon in Universal Studios was after that, and it was a blast. I recommend EVERYONE go there!Shortly after we got back, Aaron got a new job, a good job! He has been there for just over 2 months now. On May 2nd, Aaron's sister Kim gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Sadie Rose. She is happy and healthy, and we couldn't ask for a better neice! I swear the little girl's smile is addictive! =)And as if we needed anything else to make this year go great, Aaron and I will be closing on our FIRST HOME in about 3 weeks! YAY!!!!! It is 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom ranch in Westland, within walking distance of Hines Park. And it has a fenced in back yard for our dog Bear, which is fabulous. Watch out for an invitation for a cookout, we don't know when it will be yet but we know we want to have one to celebrate our new house. =)Well this is about all I have for now. Thanks for reading, hopefully it didn't bore you to tears, ;) and we will be sure to blog about any news we have!!
Posted by andrealamorand at 11:30 AM 0 comments
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Back!

2008-08-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well the trip to Virginia was a lot of things. Fun, refreshing, relaxing, interesting, family oriented, all those things I needed.
We rode down in a rented van. It was my Dad, his wife/my step-mother Laura, my brother Brent, sister Brianna and me. We drove down there Thursday morning after I got off work and stayed over night in a hotel in Marietta, Ohio. It is the town just before the bridge to West Virginia. If you ever get the chance to go to Marietta, do it! It is a little, old fashioned, stereotypical Midwestern American town. Stereotypical in a GOOD way, though. It was pretty, nestled in some hills, with a big lake, and a foot bridge, old fashioned shops with some really cute antiques and gift shops, and a pasta shop from out of this world! Awesome flavored stuff there! They also have a soda museum. I know, it sounds lame. But the inside is a 1950's themed soda shop. They have tons of memoribilia there, everything is for sale if you want it. Very cool place. If I take the same route to VA again I will definitely stay there or at least visit again! Marietta reminded me of the type of town that Steven King would use as a setting for a horror story. Everything is hunky-dory, then BAM!- alien invasion or something to that effect.
We got to WV on Friday. It is SO beautiful there. The tree covered mountains and fresh air are such a change from flat, busy, grey Metropolitan Detroit. We stayed in Bluefield Virginia for the next two nights. Well, my family did. I stayed with Nicki on Friday night. While we were in Bluefield we visited the mausoleum where my grandfather and several other family members are laid to rest. (At first I had buried there, but they aren't really buried at all. What is the correct term?) It was the first time my dad and I had been there since my grandfather passed away in 1996. It is a beautiful place. However, the stench was horrific. I can only imagine it was the stench of deteriorating bodies, unfortuately. It's too bad, it really did take away from the visit/mourning with my family members. There was also a gnat in there which grossed me out, because they have a rule of no fresh flowers, only fake. I can only imagine what drew that little guy there, which is disappointing and gross since I have family there. But the worst part was seeing my Dad cry and stand on his tip-toes to touch the plaque with his father's name on it. He just barely got it with his fingertips. I would have let him stand on my back if he had to. Anything to comfort him and hopefully make it hurt less... although I doubt anything would really help that situation. It hurt to see him upset, but what was even worse for me was thinking that one day I will have to visit him like that. I swear I am going to die when he dies. It will break my heart. I can't imagine the world without my dad. Mortality sucks.
On a (very slightly) brighter note, I got to see and take pictures of the headstones of my great grandmother and grandfather, as well as an uncle that died the day he was born and a great geat uncle. It sounds kinda morbid to want to see it in a way, but it is my family's history. Out of respect I should go there. I never got to meet any of them, so it was not really sad.
OK Seriously on a brighter note, I got to see my old and very dear friend Nicki. I have known her since 5th grade. I got to meet her new husband (I couldn't make it down for the wedding because I was in Nursing School) and see her house. I unfortunately didn't get to meet her 2 year old daughter Hope. I really wish I could have, she is a beautiful little girl! Nicki is 50% Chippewa, and her daughter looks just like her.
The family wedding was great! A little awkward at first... I am walking by people waiting for them to recognize my Dad, because I definitely can't put the names with the faces! I met a few of my dad's first cousins as well as a great aunt. I also met Elaine, the woman that married my cousin (well 2nd cousin if you want to get technical) Mark. The little bit I got to talk to her, she is very nice. Stressed, since it was her wedding day, but nice. My family is all hilarious and crazy. It was such a great feeling to have them come up and give us all big hugs and be so welcoming even though we haven't seen them in 12 years. It is nice to know that we could just land on one of their front porches one day and be welcome in their homes. I really need to go back down there again and visit more often. :)
The wedding was outside in the front lawn of her parents' house, which was an old dormitory from a teacher's college back in the day. They live in the moutains, so that house must have been old as hell! The pictures I have of the ceremony are beautiful -- a very happy bride and groom underneath a little flowery arc with big green mountains in the background.
Well, if you actually read this whole damn thing, WOW. I could barely write it. haha. In closing, my mini vacation was great! I want to go back down there soon and bring Aaron so he can see why I say I want to move there.

See Ya!

2008-08-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

Just letting y'all know that in the morning I am leaving town for a few days! I, along with my Dad, step-mom Laura, and siblings Brent and Brianna are going to Virginia for a family wedding. Our cousin Mark and his girlfriend Elaine are tying the knot and we are going to be there for it.
I am so excited to go! I haven't been to VA to see my family since my grandfather died in 1996. I went there in 1999 for my friend Nicki's first wedding. It has been too long since I was down there. :) I can't wait! It is so beautiful and peaceful, very different from this place. I am sure I will not want to come home and will kick and scream all the way back up!
We leave Novi as soon as we can after I leave work, and then will slowly make our way down south. We will be staying the night in a hotel in southern Ohio Thursday night and then ge to VA Friday morning and stay until Sunday morning. Then Sunday morning we will do the same thing back up. I personally would rather drive all day and get to VA on Thursday and then leave Sunday afternoon, but hey-- it's a free trip so who the hell am I to complain?? The parents are picking up the whole bill, even the hotel. Hot DAMN! I am not sure why they want to do it that way but me being the broke ass that I am, I am NOT going to complain! :)
So I am at work and having a somewhat slow night in ther stable vent unit, where the kids with trachs on ventilators are. It is nice, for the most part the babies are sleeping. It has been a frustrating night though, I have had a patient with frightening symptoms and the doctors are not concerned. I am! This is the way I look at it, if this were MY child, what would I want them to do? Well we just had some tests ordered for the morning... so that eases my mind a little. I had the PICU nurses look at the patient too, so I feel a little better. I am a worrier for sure, so at times I wonder if maybe I am making a bigger deal of things than I should. But then I remember this is their lives I am dealing with, and I don't feel so bad for being a worrier.
OK, enough talking about crap that people probably do not care about unless they are nurses too! :)
Don't expect me to write for a while. YAY!

Stealing Kim's Idea of Posting Quizzes

2008-08-06T03:51:00.000-07:00

I thought this was something others may be interested in taking. However I am surprised by my results, as I am left handed, and mathematically retarded. Hmmm....

Are you left or right-brained?
http://tickle.com/quizzes/show/3022
My result: Left-brained
Most left-brained people like you feel at ease in situations requiring verbal ability, attention to detail, and linear, analytical ability. Whether you know it or not, you are a much stronger written communicator than many, able to get your ideas across better than others. It's also likely that you are methodical and efficient at many things that you do. You could also be good at math, particularly algebra, which is based on very strict rules that make sense to your logical mind.

Who should you pick for President?
http://tickle.com/quizzes/show/13495676
My results: Democratic Candidate Barack Obama
Your values are most aligned with those of the Democratic Party. The Democrats advocate for social freedom and free enterprise with Government oversight and intervention. Democrats believe that government should play a role in alleviating poverty and social injustice, even if it requires a larger role for government and progressive taxation. Barack Obama is a junior Senator from Illinois. He is the first African American to be a major party's presumptive nominee for President of the United States.

Harvey and some animal rights things too.

2008-08-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am writing this blog because my dog Harvey is freaking me out today. I noticed about a week ago that he had some frank blood in his kennel when I came home. I freaked out and checked every inch of his body. When I found nothing wrong I just assumed he had cut his mouth on the bone he had in the kennel with him and went on with my life.
Well ever since then every couple days or so I find another small blood tinged stain on the carpet under his kennel. I am trying to not freak out about this. But a couple days ago I wake up to him vomiting in my kitchen, and he vomits up two small puddles of watery blood. I just about DIE.
I feel gut-wrenching horrible about this, but we are REALLY broke, so I didn't take him to the vet until today. He has had no more vomiting to my knowledge, but it is making me worried. What if it became something that in the beginning could have been easily fixed but turns into a life threatening illness? I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that. So at 11:30 this morning he went to the vet.
Basically, the vet was concerned about an intestinal obstruction, but thought he looked way too perky for it to be that. Harvey is walking, playing, eating, drinking, pooping normal little Harvey-poops, happy, and shows no symptoms of anything wrong apart from this freaky puke he has been having. The vet gave me two options, we can treat with medicine for a couple days and see if he gets better, or we can do xrays and bloodwork, which was $200. Seeing how I do not have $200, we go the medicine route for now, which was $93. But that included an examination, a fecal test to check for worms and other undesirable parasites, an injection of pepcid to help his tummy and a 10 day course of antibiotics. Although it is money I can't afford to spend at least we got a lot of bang for our buck.
Best of all, the vet was loving as always and not at all judgemental for my decision to not spend the extra $200 for more definitive tests. I feel horrible that I didn't do it, but trust me if it continues we will be doing it, regardless of our financial situation. He is my baby, I will not see him do without medical treatment that he needs. I can't.
So, we are now trying to rule out partial obstruction, parasitic infection and possible ulcers. Weird, but OK. For the next 10 days my dog will be on antibiotics and pepcid AC, and for the next 3-5 days he will be eating a diet of only boiled chicken and rice to let his tummy settle. Bear has no known tummy issues but is still going to have to eat the chicken and rice, because he will throw a shit fit if Harvey gets that and he gets the regular food. :) Can't say I blame him.
So on a side note... I get emailings regularly from the Humane Society and often sign petitions and forward them to friends. Although it is a small contribution, I like to think I may be making a difference by doing it. So I will put on here the latest thing I have received from them. It is to help farm animals have more humane lives. I suppose the least we can do before we eat the poor things is give them the right to do things like stretch their legs and turn around in their cages. That's something a lot of them can't even do right now. I have NO idea how the sick farmer bastards can live with themselves and see those poor babies like that. My only hope is in their next life they are reincarnated into one of the animals they breed. That would be the epitome of KARMA.
OK, I am stepping off the soap box... for now. Here is the link if you feel motivated to help. I hope you do!
http://allcreatures.hsus.org/

PS- If you are looking for a good vet go to him, they are great!!
Healthy Paws has 2 locations, Westland and Belleville. We have been going to them since we got Bear and we think he is great.
http://www.healthypawsvethospital.com/

I am going to bed now to snuggle with my hubby and dogs for the night. Goodnight!
:)

Why not?

2008-08-03T04:02:00.000-07:00

So I am awake at 7AM Sunday morning, tired but not quite ready for bed... what else to do but blog?
I have nothing of great importance to say this morning, just a few tidbits. Here goes.
I love love LOVE my friends. They are there for me whenever I need them and take me as I am. They're a very accepting group of people. They are genuine, sweet, funny and real. I love having every single one of them in my life. Any of you who know my friends are bound to agree. They are all amazing people.
I feel the pregnancy bug coming back. There were a few months there where I was not concerned about starting a family any time soon and I just wanted to concentrate on having fun. Well, with two trips to Chicago, one trip to Orlando and a trip to Virginia this weekend, I feel like I have taken advantage of this year as much as possible. If were up to me now, I would try to get pregnant this month. But, we have to be responsible (BLAHHHH) and figure out what is going on with the Border Patrol stuff first. I go back and forth on it, but it is relieving to know that yes, the urge is still there, I just managed to shut it up for a while with lots of fun. :) I have some names already picked out... now all I need is a positive pregnancy test.
OK as lame as this blog is I think I am going to stop for now. If I delve into the next couple subjects that are floating around in my head I will be typing for WAY longer than I baragained for!
Goodnight!

Last Night

2008-08-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

Last night was cool. First of all, Aaron and I went to dinner with Kim, Chris and Sadie to DeLucas. It was pretty good. We had fun. Sadie learned how to dance with a fork with a breadstick on the end of it like Benny and Joon. :) She never ceases to amaze me with her cuteness.
After hanging out with the family that night Aaron and I went home and snuggled with the dogs. I took a nap, Aaron went to bed for the night like normal people do. After I woke up from my nap I went to George's house at like, Midnight. He was having a few people over for a bonfire. Naturally, I stopped at Kroger on the way there and picked up S'more fixins.
It was a nice night to be sitting out by a fire. It was pretty. Billy, Little Billy, Dave, George and I sat out and just talked. After a while Bill and Billy had to go home, seeing how Billy is like, 4. Dave went in the house to get a drink and George and I were outside talking when we saw what I at first thought was a firecracker. But no sound went off, and we realized it was not a firecracker at all, it was a friggin shooting star. It was AMAZING. It at first looks like any other shooting star, little white dot, just brighter than any one I had ever seen before. Then it had a LONG bright blue tail or trail or whatever you call the thing that is behind a shooting star. I guess it actually hit the atmosphere and burnt up, causing the amazing colors. It took a few seconds for all the color to dissipate in the sky, which is different from a firework, which the only thing that remains after it burns out is the smoke. It was definitely not that we saw. Too bad Dave had to be inside for it- it was definitely a cool thing to see!
Super Dave came over later. I don't know him but he seemed like a nice guy. I know he did King Bong last year at Szabo's party so he had to be at least somewhat cool! :) Then we all went in and watched the movie Dead Alive. Man, was that a vile, grotesque, gory movie. It was a really, REALLY bad zombie movie from the 80's. Either the director's aim was to make it hilarious, or that was definitely the worst acting I had ever seen. For crap that bad, they had to be doing it on purpose. lol.
So it was a good night. I am going back to bed now. Gotta work tonight.
Blah!

OK last old blog.... #6

2008-07-31T13:22:00.002-07:00

Friday, January 12, 2007
Gastro SUCKS Current mood: crappy Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
OK, so if you get sick easily, you might not want to read this. It isn't all the details, but it sure it is enough if you have a weak tummy.
I am sick as hell. Yesterday I puked at work-- in the fricking vent room. When I left the hospital I couldn't even get further than the Mitchell lot and then I had to pull over and puke more. I felt so out of it that Aaron had to leave work early and pick me up and take me home. We didn't get that far. We went to the VA hospital so I could use their bathroom (more puking...) and by then when I saw myself in the mirror I KNEW something was wrong. We went to U of M ER. Tacoma was my nurse. =) Thank God! By this point Aaron was holding me up because I was staggering. I could barely talk, it was bad. I was in so much pain from my stomach. It was bad. They triaged me and I got right in to Tacoma. I am SO lucky she was there. But at one point I stood up, and there went all the water I drank from the ER bathroom sink. Bastard clerks wouldn't give me any water, so I took care of it myself. I was so dehydrated- I kept telling the triage nurse I was going to die. Needless to say, I got a 3 liter bolus- and only peed 250cc!!!! Good LORD. I was scared. All I could think about was the kids at work with renal problems, and hoped that my output wouldn't get so bad and my kidneys would get so dry that I would have problems from it. I remember I kept asking Tacoma "How come I am on my second liter and I still don't have to pee?" I had ketones in my urine if that tells you anything... and no I am not diabetic.
When it was all over, Tacoma said that when she saw me she got nervous, because I looked really bad. I barely walking into the ER. I just remember starting to open my eyes all the way for the first time in hours when the first liter was almost all the way in. I know it sounds silly to go to the ER for gastro as an adult, but I seriously couldn't even keep water down. Now I know what it is like to be the patient- it sucks. Sorry to those of you reading this what are not in the medical field... but this is an experience I had to blog about!!!
So the moral of the story is- WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS. And don't scoff at the contact precautions signs on patient's doors with gastro. If you don't take it seriously it just might bite you on the ass. I don't know how I got it, I was my hands religiously. I am not better yet either. I am taking zofran every 4 hours (an anti-nausea medicine, which I think I should take soon, I just ate my first real food since yesterday afternoon and I am not feeling too hot...) and feel like I am overdoing it if I walk the whole length of the apartment. This sucks!!!

Best of MySpace Blogs #5

2008-07-31T13:22:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I am officially a grown-up. Current mood: tired and at work!!! Category: tired and at work!!! Life
Yeah, I know. I am 26, I am a grown up. Duh, no big news there. However I don't always feel like a grown up. I would just like to point out what has made me realize it this time.
In the past, things that would make me excited at Christmas were things like makeup, cd's, etc. Granted those things are still very cool to get, but the things that made me the most excited this year were not quite those things this year. This year it was bed sheets, kitchen knife block and (best of ALL!!!) a toaster!! Weird, huh? Last night Aaron and I made a peice of toast, just because we could. We are such losers. LOL. Didn't realize it until I didn't have one, but toasters are important. If you have your own place and no toaster, it just feels like you're camping. Once I even microwaved a toaster streudel because I wanted one. LOL what a loser!!! It was only 3 months without one, but lemme tell ya, I felt it. You'd think I would just go buy one, but we would pretty much always forget about it until we wanted a bagel or something like that.
Hope everyone had a great Christmas!! Best wishes for a very Happy and Safe New Year!